TakingCharge999

Wow what a good article, thank you!
I was sad missing the nice ex I knew and now I am angry remembering all the times he was cruel and then "couldnt remember because he was drunk"
He was not even original in his excuses
Im glad I left :>

Barbara52

My xAH never verbally abused me, drunk or sober. He frequently verbally abused his daughters, drunk or sober. I think the alcohol exacerbated the abuse but xAH had anger issues or whatever issues that led to the abuse. THe many time I pointed out that what he said to his daughters was abuse, he totally dismissed it. His daughters eventually just stopped being around him except when they wanted something from him.

DesertEyes

You guys want I sticky this thread?

Mike

FormerDoormat

Yes, Mike, I think that would be a good thing.

guiab

There are 3 scenarios for an abuser and the abused:
1) The abuse declines
2) The abuse remains the same
3) The abuse becomes worse

You can attach whatever possibilities you like here. Lets give them even possibilities and a time frame:
33% chance - abuse declines in a year
33% chance - abuse remains the same in a year
33% chance - abuse becomes worse in a year

Can any trend be sustained into the next year? Everyone is different (and addicts in particular will insist they are the exception), but to be safe for the next year you roll the dice again:
33% - abuse is less, 33% - abuse is same, 33% - abuse is greater.

Where do you want to see yourself in a year? 2 years?

You shouldn't ask what his/her chances are. You should ask what are your chances to be treated and loved the way you and your HP want you to be treated.

KMMK

if you take the rum out of the fruitcake..you still have a fruitcake!
As Freedom 1990 posted..some are aholes long before the alcohol was
in the equation.

Linkmeister

Me too. I'm on my second read of it - I've bookmarked this.

TakingCharge999

Very good question. I don't think so. There are always doormats (like I was) that "love them" and are willing to put up with anything. So why would anything change? For one that is no longer a doormat there are 1000 out there.

Also I have seen recovered people, who were the worst of the worst and now live fruitful lives. It depends on the person I guess... but why would you waste your life waiting for something that may never happen? why not get someone who is not abusive in the first place and there is no "fixing" needed?

I used to dread the idea but now that I have friends and a partner that value me its all very clear. We only have ONE life. ONE.

MissFixit

This is an old post, but I want to add something.

Verbal abuse is a short ride to physical abuse. Mix in an active alcoholic drunk out of their mind and proceed with caution.

beginner

Reading the Emotional Abuse article was sobering (no pun intended!) It hit too close to home than I liked, to be honest. I had so much hope that my husband and I might be able to work things out in the future, but maybe that is unrealistic? I am having a baby in three months time, and so for obvious reasons I want us to be a family. We have only been married a short time, so it makes me want to try harder... but in light of our relationship, I have worked really hard on this relationship - tried relationship workshops and counselling, he's been to Rehab and I just wonder whether there's a point in which you say it's just not working? I have asked him to get help between now and the baby's birth, but how realistic is that even?

When I go to Al-Anon, inahaze, I hear from women who stay with their alcoholics. And week after week after week they talk about what they're not getting out of their relationship. And so often I want to just scream "what are you getting out of it?" It seems to me that they are getting so little out of their relationship - if anything at all. And the rest is so miserable - so why do they stay? I get frustrated listening to their stories, and just hope that one day it will dawn on them as they listen to themselves week after week.

pixilation

In my experience, no. He can go weeks, even months without verbally abusing while drunk, but I can say or do the wrong thing one day, and he'll start doing it again. The latest was when I happened to mention to him that one of the customer's that comes into the store I work at had his wife recently leave him. That night, he was super pissy with me, because I'd told him. Even accusing me of wanting the guy(a 50 something yera old man, while I'm 30-something)

I just took myself to bed and shut the door at that point.

Oops, I didn't realize this was an older post. I should also add that I am in the process of separating from him.

tallulah

Alcohol is not always the problem.. it is not always the reason why someone is abusive. Sometimes they are just abusive and happen to be alcoholics.

I'm not sure the statistics will help. They will give you a whole bunch of numbers but they don't mean anything if you are being verbally abused. The only one that 'counts' is the one you are around.

I lived with an abuser. He was a 'recovering' alcoholic. Little by little he was killing me. Every barbed comment, every 'gaslighting' incident, every little dig etc. was flattening me into the ground.

So you're left with a decision. Do you stay with this man and hope that he changes his abusive behaviour, putting up with everything and anything he throws your way.. or... do you start to take care of you and live a life where his behaviour doesn't colour your life and how you view yourself?

Only you can decide... *hugs*

Learning how

"I lived with an abuser. He was a 'recovering' alcoholic. Little by little he was killing me. Every barbed comment, every 'gaslighting' incident, every little dig etc. was flattening me into the ground.

So you're left with a decision. Do you stay with this man and hope that he changes his abusive behaviour, putting up with everything and anything he throws your way.. or... do you start to take care of you and live a life where his behaviour doesn't colour your life and how you view yourself? "


WOW, isn't that the truth!!!
Went hiking over the weekend, very diffiuclt for me. He offered to help me up a very steep section of trail. Also very diffiuclt for me to take the help, I made the decision to let him help me..... mistake, when we got home he had to make a huge deal out of how he had to help me, how I was such a turtle, not able to even walk up the trail. I was hurt.... I keep doing the same things and suprise getting the same out comes.

Its really not changed, its just not as intense right now. College started in 14 days for youngest.....

jehnifer

I don't know whats normal or acceptable because I have a tainted view of "self expression" based on past experience. As a child I saw my mom rage and even be physical with her kids (not me luckily). So I have tremendous fear of any emotional outburst. So here is my question: What constitutes abuse? What if hubby does not drink - hasn't for over 7 years but goes into a rant about something I did/didn't do right. Frequency is approximately a couple of times a month. Involves put downs like "Oh you think you're the perfect parent, dont you?" and "You're too weak to such and such...", "I tell you what I expect and you never, ever..." and so on. On the one hand I feel its his right to be angry and to tell me what he's upset about. But on the other hand when he raises his voice and cuts me down I don't like it. And the WORST part of all is the LASTING effect it has on me...I literally go into this state of anxiety afterwards that can last several days. And then I have anxiety anticipating when it will happen again. And what will trigger it. Wow. I feel better just sharing this!

What I want to know is: Is what I described something I should just let roll off me? Or do I say its not accaptable...ever...and then...? See, my biggest problem is in thinking that I am overreacting. But yet the anxiety and stomach ache still happens which seems to be something of a signal that I should not ignore. What is your perspective? Honestly.

Thanks.

jehnifer

Also...I forgot to mention that I keep thinking the solution is that I need to work on learning to deal with conflict. I don't know how else to deal with this issue. thanks for listening.

catlovermi

Jehnifer,

That's definitely verbal and emotional abuse. Any words or treatment meant to control you by intimidation or erosion of your self-esteem is abusive.

And self-abuse is when you take it.

While you may get someone like this to change their behavior somewhat, usually they don't change the basic character that drives this type of behavior. If someone treated me like this, I'd remove them from my life. Toxic people poison all those around them, like a rotten apple in a bin of good ones spreads the rot.

And while you may indeed need some third party help in learning to express yourself and get your needs met, and not fear conflict, it does not negate in any way that a toxic person needs to be removed from the horizon. Even if you fixed you, he would still be toxic.

CLMI