Laden101

I have posted just a couple of times on SR, and have found that the feedback is helping me. I am the one that had her son taken from her due to the abf. I am trying to get my son back, just have to jump through the CPS hoops which I am doing. This however is not why I am posting again.
My abf left me a week ago to live with his mom until he could get a place of his own. I hadn't talked to him the first couple of days, but he called me and ended up coming over and spending the whole day and night with me. I have to admit it felt good, but it also felt bad. He went back to his new home and we talked a couple times a day until he came over again after work yesterday. He stayed the night and most of today and now is back at home. There is a lot of little things I can tell you all, but I will try to get to the point. He got paid on Monday and he said he would give me some money due to the fact that 1) i have no income due to the loss of my job, & 2) the bills that i have are bills that we had together. When he came over last night, he gave me $150 out of his $500 (estimating) paycheck. That would only cover one of the necessary bills and leave me with no gas money, no money for dog food, and no money for pellets to keep me warm (arctic blast came through). I got hysterical and just let him have it. I didn't understand why he wouldn't help me more with our bills. To find out, his mother made him pay $200 rent for living there. He has lived there before and never required him to pay rent, so I know she is doing it because she doesn't like me and doesn't want him to be with me. I told him that I felt he was just saying "f@*k Stephanie, i don't live here anymore and don't have to worry about what she is going through and has to deal with." **that is what I am upset and confused about, and questioning myself as to why I still want him in my life** I was so upset to the point of getting sick. Well, we talked about it and didn't really solve anything other then he would try to pay more towards the bills when he had the money. I know there is nothing I can do about it, so I just am trying to deal with that situation a day at a time.

My other situation is that since my abf has been living at his moms, he stays off the alcohol, but he comes over here and has to drink. I asked him if I was the reason he drank and he said no that I am not and that he drinks cause he doesn't know how to cope with things. I on the other hand can't help but think that it is "me" or that it is "us" that makes him drink. I asked him why he is this way and he said it was hard to explain and to read the NA book (he previously had a meth addiction). He also told me that he loved me to death and that I was his best friend and lover. That pulled my heart strings. It got me thinking that maybe it was a good thing he moved out cause if he stopped drinking, then maybe there is hope for us and we can be together in the future for life. Then again I think that if he still drinks when he is around me what is not living together going to really change if we start living together again.

As you all can tell by this lengthy (sorry by the way) post, that I am really messed up and really don't know what to do. Yes, I am severely co-dependent, and Yes reading Co-Dependent No More, but I LOVE this man and I KNOW what he is like when he isn't drinking and he is a wonderful man. I want to have hope that we can be and live together again after we both work on the issues we have. Am I hopeless???

ToughChoices

I don't believe that anyone is hopeless.
But, it sounds like you are deeply mired in an unhealthy situation.

He doesn't drink because of you. He drinks around you because you allow him to do so. Apparently his mother does not allow this.
Perhaps his mother charges him rent, not as a means of sabotaging you, but because he is a grown man, with a job, and grown people with jobs pay to have a roof over their heads.

You are depending on an undependable person to support you.
There is a little but heartbreak in that direction.

Are you able to jump through the CPS hoops if this man is still involved in your life, sleeping your home, etc...? What are the legal ramifications of you continuing to see him?

He sounds like a very confused and broken man, far from hopeless - but a long way from healthy.

Take care of yourself, Laden. I'm glad that you're here.
-TC

Barbara52

Amen! These are very important words. Please read them until you understand them.

If you are going to jump thru hoops to get your kids back, I would think this means it has to be a very real commitment on your part. That commitment probably wouldn't include your ABF living with you as far as CPS is concerned. After all that is why they took them out of what they view as a situation that is not safe for the kids.

You say in so many ways that there is nothing you can do to improve your situation. But that is not true. You have a lot of options just not ones you want to go after at the moment.

FormerDoormat

From what I've read, it seems you're struggling with three problems:

1) You son was taken by CPS.
2) You're unemployed.
3) You're struggling to hold on to a failing relationship with an alcoholic.

I find it's easier if I prioritize my problems so I can resolve the most urgent problems first. So, based on the list above, what is your number 1 priority? And number 2? And number 3?

If I were in a similar situation, I'd focus on my child first, finding a source of income second, and my relationship last. You seem to be focusing on your failing relationship first, a source of income second, and your son last.

Is there anything wrong with this picture? If I can see this, I'll bet the folks at CPS can, too. Have you found an Alanon meeting in your area yet? For many people, it's been a turning point in their lives. Why not give it a try?

Laden101

Thanks for the replies. I can see where it would seem that I am putting my relationship first, but I believe I am not. I am jumping through the hoops that CPS wants, but it takes lots and lots of time to get appointments with counselors and other professionals and I can only do so much in that area. I spend as much time with my son as time allows and speak to him everyday. So it is a situation where I have to just wait.
There are no legal ramifications of him living with me or my son, as far as CPS goes, he has to jump through CPS hoops too and he is doing so. As long has they see both of us doing what they are requesting then they do not have a problem with us living together and him being around my son.

My second priority has been finding a job and my relationship with my abf. I have looked and continue to look everyday for employment, and I even give plasma twice a week for money. I do have a possible job opportunity, I am just waiting for one other person to do a working interview and then they will let me know if I got the job or not. That also gives me a lot of time to work or dwell on my relationship with my abf. I have time on my hands and I am a huge worrier and thinker, so with the time that I am alone or not busy, this is all I think about.

I know that I enable him to drink, but as you know you can't change a person or what they do. I don't like that he drinks at my house, but I can't stop him because I want him to come over. I want him to be a part of my life, just not his drinking. Am I just stupid to think that us living apart will help him become sober and that one day we will be able to live together? I know that our relationship is unhealthy now, but if we take time to work on our problems while living apart, and then work together on our problems as a couple, then why can't this work?

Again, I am sorry for this being so long. I am just confused and have lots of thoughts and questions running through my head.

I appreciate all your thoughts and support. Thanks!

Laden101

FD, I have not gone to an al-anon meeting as of yet. I do want to go to one, but I am unsure of what they are about and I am a bit shy in public. I guess I need some encouragement and information.

Thanks again!

ToughChoices

This is key.

A person is a package: maybe he's got a lovely smile, kind eyes, a wicked sense of humor, some occasional flatulence, a horrible singing voice, and chronic, progressive alcoholism. They're all wrapped up together. You don't get one without the other. Until HE decides to address his alcoholism, it will escalate and create chaos in his life and the lives of those around him.

You can't do anything about his alcoholism. But you can do something about the alcohol - cause it's your house!

If you don't want him drinking alcohol in your house, then you say, "This is my house. There is no alcohol in my house. If you want to drink, you must do it elsewhere."

He may well go elsewhere. It sounds like you know this, and you "put up" with the alcohol so that he'll stick around. It's scary to think that he wouldn't stay with you if he couldn't drink, isn't it? I've been scared like that, too.

But putting up with the alcohol, subjecting myself to that time and time again, eroded my spirit and robbed me of peace.

For me it was a question of which I wanted more: my AH or peace.
They didn't go together.

Laden101

Thanks TC, I understand what you are saying, and I believe I have some more thinking to do. Thanks for the insight!

Freedom1990

My bar of standards got lower and lower and lower over the years with my AH.

I allowed things in my home I never ever thought I would because I was terrified of being alone.

I don't ever want to live that way again, and I will never settle for less than I deserve.