I took the first step and am being attacked by AD
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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I took the first step and am being attacked by AD
I finally took the first step to getting out of my marriage--but I did not go about it the right way.
I opened my own accounts and had my work check moved from our joint account to my new account. Today was the first paycheck that did not go into the account. I told AH I was doing this 2 weeks ago. He had written a check for our son's daycare and it got overdraft charges because there is no money in the account. He has consistently done this--writes checks when there is no money in the account. He thinks that if other checks have not cleared yet that there is still money there. . .thus digging us into an even deeper hole.
I have not posted lately--too overwhelmed. AH quit his job making 60K 3 years ago and is not employed making about a quarter of that but will not look for employment because he "is a musician"--not being an artist I guess I don't understand that there is a difference between being a musician and working as a musician (and not making any money because he won't do any other work).
I want to get a divorce but do not have the money for the retainer and don't have any way to get it but to save--which is why I opened my own account. As long as he has access to my paycheck I will never save a dime.
Also, as my name indicates we have 2 kids--both have something called attachment disorder and PTSD (they were adopted). AH is verbally mean to our older son and to me. When he is mad at other people he will not yell at them but at us. I have had it but feel stuck. I can't afford to move out yet and he won't go. Also, I have to be careful about divorce because the kids really need to stay with me. He had been getting high while taking care of our now 3 year old (who also has attachment disorder and PTSD)--anyway, I guess I am just venting because he just dumped on me--that I have made stupid career decisons. In this economy many of my "career decisions" were made for me as I have been moved from one dept.to another. I am just happy I have a job that pays well and has insurance. I don't like my job--but it is a job so I do it because I need money to raise our kids.
Our older son asked me 2 weeks ago if we were getting a divorce--so he knows things are not good.
How do you transition out of your house with 2 kids when you live with an irresponsible AH without causing the kids damage--or is that impossible?
Thanks.
I opened my own accounts and had my work check moved from our joint account to my new account. Today was the first paycheck that did not go into the account. I told AH I was doing this 2 weeks ago. He had written a check for our son's daycare and it got overdraft charges because there is no money in the account. He has consistently done this--writes checks when there is no money in the account. He thinks that if other checks have not cleared yet that there is still money there. . .thus digging us into an even deeper hole.
I have not posted lately--too overwhelmed. AH quit his job making 60K 3 years ago and is not employed making about a quarter of that but will not look for employment because he "is a musician"--not being an artist I guess I don't understand that there is a difference between being a musician and working as a musician (and not making any money because he won't do any other work).
I want to get a divorce but do not have the money for the retainer and don't have any way to get it but to save--which is why I opened my own account. As long as he has access to my paycheck I will never save a dime.
Also, as my name indicates we have 2 kids--both have something called attachment disorder and PTSD (they were adopted). AH is verbally mean to our older son and to me. When he is mad at other people he will not yell at them but at us. I have had it but feel stuck. I can't afford to move out yet and he won't go. Also, I have to be careful about divorce because the kids really need to stay with me. He had been getting high while taking care of our now 3 year old (who also has attachment disorder and PTSD)--anyway, I guess I am just venting because he just dumped on me--that I have made stupid career decisons. In this economy many of my "career decisions" were made for me as I have been moved from one dept.to another. I am just happy I have a job that pays well and has insurance. I don't like my job--but it is a job so I do it because I need money to raise our kids.
Our older son asked me 2 weeks ago if we were getting a divorce--so he knows things are not good.
How do you transition out of your house with 2 kids when you live with an irresponsible AH without causing the kids damage--or is that impossible?
Thanks.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
I think you did it the right way. TOOO bad for him. He's depending on you for money too much and he will have to get over it. You are lucky to have a job that pays for your insurance for you and your children, so you won't have to worry about that in the future if you are able to get out. That has to be a big relief.
I know for me, my problem is feeling like I need to fix his problems all the time. I do it, until I get so angry that I even half to. For example, when you're feeling bad about something, why should you have to keep trying to make them feel better. Don't we count for anything!?
I guess I'm really angry today.
I know for me, my problem is feeling like I need to fix his problems all the time. I do it, until I get so angry that I even half to. For example, when you're feeling bad about something, why should you have to keep trying to make them feel better. Don't we count for anything!?
I guess I'm really angry today.
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Originally Posted by Wife2Kids 
will not look for employment because he "is a musician"--not being an artist I guess I don't understand that there is a difference between being a musician and working as a musician
Originally Posted by Wife2Kids
I want to get a divorce but do not have the money for the retainer and don't have any way to get it but to save.
Originally Posted by Wife2Kids
AH is verbally mean to our older son and to me. When he is mad at other people he will not yell at them but at us. He had been getting high while taking care of our now 3 year old (who also has attachment disorder and PTSD)
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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Dear wife2kids
wow, so much change is going on for you, and it sounds like your world will be headed in a better direction soon, as long as you keep the focus on getting through this time with minimal chaos and anxiety.
If it were me, i'd separate the monies 100% right now. Establish your own checking and savings accounts. If you two jointly pay for certain expenses, then you can still cover your part. If he doesn't have his part, then you can come to whatever decision needs to be made in that case. In some cases, you will not need to do a thing; it'll be his problem. In cases such as child care, the reality is that it may fall to you to pay this expense.
What I'm suggesting is that you stay in reality. The stark realities I hear from you are;
1. He is not working or working to carry his weight. He blames you for making bad career choices. He feels entitled to being supported because he is special and talented. huh?
2. You have had it, but feel stuck. To me, "I have had it" is a complete sentence, and anything after 'but" is an emotional modifier. Feeling stuck may be the fact that you are a level headed, realist. You recognise that you are embarking on a process that has many intricacies. I applaud you for starting.
3. Your AH is verbally abusive. Anyone who is verbally "mean", ESPECIALLY to a child, is a bully. It is always wrong and hurtful, it intimidates and damages the children and you. Maybe this is why you feel stuck. Are you afraid of AH?
4. You need to find out all of your options and you need to get talking to some people right away as far as the divorce, custody, property division etc separation laws where you live, also childcare options for women in transition as well as low income situations.
I went through this myself and it was well worth it. I never ever regret leaving a man who was mean.
Keep us posted, okay?
wow, so much change is going on for you, and it sounds like your world will be headed in a better direction soon, as long as you keep the focus on getting through this time with minimal chaos and anxiety.
If it were me, i'd separate the monies 100% right now. Establish your own checking and savings accounts. If you two jointly pay for certain expenses, then you can still cover your part. If he doesn't have his part, then you can come to whatever decision needs to be made in that case. In some cases, you will not need to do a thing; it'll be his problem. In cases such as child care, the reality is that it may fall to you to pay this expense.
What I'm suggesting is that you stay in reality. The stark realities I hear from you are;
1. He is not working or working to carry his weight. He blames you for making bad career choices. He feels entitled to being supported because he is special and talented. huh?
2. You have had it, but feel stuck. To me, "I have had it" is a complete sentence, and anything after 'but" is an emotional modifier. Feeling stuck may be the fact that you are a level headed, realist. You recognise that you are embarking on a process that has many intricacies. I applaud you for starting.
3. Your AH is verbally abusive. Anyone who is verbally "mean", ESPECIALLY to a child, is a bully. It is always wrong and hurtful, it intimidates and damages the children and you. Maybe this is why you feel stuck. Are you afraid of AH?
4. You need to find out all of your options and you need to get talking to some people right away as far as the divorce, custody, property division etc separation laws where you live, also childcare options for women in transition as well as low income situations.
I went through this myself and it was well worth it. I never ever regret leaving a man who was mean.
Keep us posted, okay?
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Our older son is in school all day and our 3 (almost 4) year old is in daycare full time. As soon as I found out he was getting high I started looking for a place for our younger son to go. He is there until I pick him up after I pick up our 8year old.
I am supposed to work 6-2:30 (I arranged this so I could pick my 8 year old up from school because of his RAD/PTSD) but am consistently late for work because AH is supposed to take the kids to school and will not drag his butt out of bed. I don't have a place for our older son yet--they do have an after school program but cannot afford it. Our younger son goes to a special daycare because of his RAD/PTSD and it costs close to $1000/month. After school is $430/month.
I am nervouos about not having an attorney that will be able to get the kids to be in my custody--with their issues having them be with him is not an option. The funny thing is he does not take care of the kids for the most part so I would think that he would not care--but he is always concerned how things look so HE would look bad if he did not try to have the kids half the time.
Am I afraid of him? Yes, I am. Is it justified. I am unsure--probably. The fact that he has screamed at me when he is angry with someone else is something that makes me concerned. The fact that he yells at our older son--not OK even slightly and I always tell him to back off in front of my son and then go tell my son that it is NEVER OK for Daddy to treat him like that. Our son has serious issues and his behavior can make you crazy--but when you are an adult you act like one.
He has tried to be intimate with me recently and I declined and he went berserk and he called me a variety of not so nice names.
He was married previously and I know his ex-wife and he stalked her when she left but did not hurt her--physically. I am sure he will ramp up his drinking and drug use--so that also concerns me because he has gotten violent on one occasion--he did not hit me but came close. I told him if he did he would be spending his night in jail and he put his arm down--this in front of our older son.
The more I write the more I think-woman get your behind to the bank and get a loan if you need to, just GET OUT! His reaction to me moving my account has got me scared. I know he is angry because the money will stop flowing--believe it or not--he just emailed me and told me that I ruined our joint account because he expected my check to be there so he wrote checks and the bank had to cover them. He does not see that writing checks when there is no money in the account is not something you do.
OK, now this is weird--he is playing the piano at our 3 year old son's preschool holiday show. I am supposed to pick up our 8 year old from school and go over there. The thing is--he puts on a great act. He is also a church musician so he puts on his angel halo and acts all nice to everyone. The great guy everyone loves--nobody really sees the real him except his drinking and doping buddies--but then again they are the same way.
OK, have to go. I will look into lawyers more seriously tomorrow. If push comes to shove I could probably move in with my sister for awhile--but I am not all that fond of her husband as he thinks he should tell me how to raise my kids. As an aside--my kids are my life. I work where I do so I will have insurance so they will get better. As soon as I get home I take off my work hard and put on my therapuetic mom hat--and it stays on until I leave for work the next morning because my kids wake up at night scared. I leave it on at work because sometimes they need me during the day too.
You know, thank you for asking all these questions. It is making my decision seem less fuzzy and helping me sort out what I need to do.
I am a plan sort of person--so I need to sit down and plan the departure in a way that will be OK for the kids.
Gotta go to the recital--that will be a farce.
I am supposed to work 6-2:30 (I arranged this so I could pick my 8 year old up from school because of his RAD/PTSD) but am consistently late for work because AH is supposed to take the kids to school and will not drag his butt out of bed. I don't have a place for our older son yet--they do have an after school program but cannot afford it. Our younger son goes to a special daycare because of his RAD/PTSD and it costs close to $1000/month. After school is $430/month.
I am nervouos about not having an attorney that will be able to get the kids to be in my custody--with their issues having them be with him is not an option. The funny thing is he does not take care of the kids for the most part so I would think that he would not care--but he is always concerned how things look so HE would look bad if he did not try to have the kids half the time.
Am I afraid of him? Yes, I am. Is it justified. I am unsure--probably. The fact that he has screamed at me when he is angry with someone else is something that makes me concerned. The fact that he yells at our older son--not OK even slightly and I always tell him to back off in front of my son and then go tell my son that it is NEVER OK for Daddy to treat him like that. Our son has serious issues and his behavior can make you crazy--but when you are an adult you act like one.
He has tried to be intimate with me recently and I declined and he went berserk and he called me a variety of not so nice names.
He was married previously and I know his ex-wife and he stalked her when she left but did not hurt her--physically. I am sure he will ramp up his drinking and drug use--so that also concerns me because he has gotten violent on one occasion--he did not hit me but came close. I told him if he did he would be spending his night in jail and he put his arm down--this in front of our older son.
The more I write the more I think-woman get your behind to the bank and get a loan if you need to, just GET OUT! His reaction to me moving my account has got me scared. I know he is angry because the money will stop flowing--believe it or not--he just emailed me and told me that I ruined our joint account because he expected my check to be there so he wrote checks and the bank had to cover them. He does not see that writing checks when there is no money in the account is not something you do.
OK, now this is weird--he is playing the piano at our 3 year old son's preschool holiday show. I am supposed to pick up our 8 year old from school and go over there. The thing is--he puts on a great act. He is also a church musician so he puts on his angel halo and acts all nice to everyone. The great guy everyone loves--nobody really sees the real him except his drinking and doping buddies--but then again they are the same way.
OK, have to go. I will look into lawyers more seriously tomorrow. If push comes to shove I could probably move in with my sister for awhile--but I am not all that fond of her husband as he thinks he should tell me how to raise my kids. As an aside--my kids are my life. I work where I do so I will have insurance so they will get better. As soon as I get home I take off my work hard and put on my therapuetic mom hat--and it stays on until I leave for work the next morning because my kids wake up at night scared. I leave it on at work because sometimes they need me during the day too.
You know, thank you for asking all these questions. It is making my decision seem less fuzzy and helping me sort out what I need to do.
I am a plan sort of person--so I need to sit down and plan the departure in a way that will be OK for the kids.
Gotta go to the recital--that will be a farce.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Please do whatever you need to do to kepp yourself and your children safe! Contact social services. You may qualify for assistance. Most day care/school will also work with you on fees. Consult with an attorney, often the first meeting is free, or contact legal aid in your area. You do have options. If I were you I would seek them out and use whatever is available.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Wife...
Have you tried talking to your pastor? I am not sure how long you were members of your church, but the church I attended had a fabulous missions team including financial support. In addition, your conversation with your pastor will remain confidential. The emotional support can be comforting.
This may work for you or it may not. For me, it did. Financially, I was fine, but my husband was not, and the church helped him for a while...tried to get him help. they have also help abused women and single mothers and so on. For my friend, it did not, because her church was extremely conservative and her pastor thought it was her place to suffer in silence. So I say proceed how you see best, but if you haven't thought of this, then it might be helpful.
Churches have a great resource system...
Have you tried talking to your pastor? I am not sure how long you were members of your church, but the church I attended had a fabulous missions team including financial support. In addition, your conversation with your pastor will remain confidential. The emotional support can be comforting.
This may work for you or it may not. For me, it did. Financially, I was fine, but my husband was not, and the church helped him for a while...tried to get him help. they have also help abused women and single mothers and so on. For my friend, it did not, because her church was extremely conservative and her pastor thought it was her place to suffer in silence. So I say proceed how you see best, but if you haven't thought of this, then it might be helpful.
Churches have a great resource system...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know it's a difficult situation, but the kids are already being damaged as it is with his behavior in the home. Personally I think the sooner you can get out of there, the better, and you and those children can start to heal. :ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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Originally Posted by Wife2Kids
AH is supposed to take the kids to school but will not drag his butt out of bed.
he does not take care of the kids for the most part
he has screamed at me
he yells at our older son
he went berserk and he called me a variety of not so nice names
he stalked his ex wife
he has gotten violent on one occasion-- in front of our older son.
His reaction to me moving my account has got me scared.
If push comes to shove, I could probably move in with my sister for awhile--but............
As an aside--my kids are my life.
Gotta go to the recital--that will be a farce.
he does not take care of the kids for the most part
he has screamed at me
he yells at our older son
he went berserk and he called me a variety of not so nice names
he stalked his ex wife
he has gotten violent on one occasion-- in front of our older son.
His reaction to me moving my account has got me scared.
If push comes to shove, I could probably move in with my sister for awhile--but............
As an aside--my kids are my life.
Gotta go to the recital--that will be a farce.
please read the things you wrote when you can fully absorb the reality of your situation. it seems like you are getting some good perspective already.
one thing: since the kids are your life, that is not "an aside". Their safety and wellbeing is front and center, as it should be. You are rational and a good mother.
next, considering everything you said above, push does not need to come to shove, in other words, you do not need to wait for escalation of abuse in order to leave this situation. to wait for push to come to shove is not real rational nor in the best interess of those kids.
please know we all care very much about your struggles and that it is hard right now, but let us know how it goes tomorrow at the attorney
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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I aree.
I would go live with your sister. Plan it out from there. Sometimes it is easier to understand the depth of the situation when you are not in the middle of it.
I would also try to confide in my Pastor. They will understand. I would also try to confide in others too.
Once I started doing this....it made me responsible for taking action KWIM?
I would go live with your sister. Plan it out from there. Sometimes it is easier to understand the depth of the situation when you are not in the middle of it.
I would also try to confide in my Pastor. They will understand. I would also try to confide in others too.
Once I started doing this....it made me responsible for taking action KWIM?
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I thought I had posted last night but must not have hit submit--or made it too long.
Daisy and Silverberry--I currently don't have a church. The last time I had a regular church was when my husband quit that job--after leaving 4 churches in 7 years I just did not want to go back to that denomination--mostly because although we live in a smaller city (300,000) the church community is insular and since AH has worked in this city and denominiation for 27 years and plays around town everyone knows him, thinks he is a masterful musician and I don't really want to hear anyone praise his wonder right now--so before I can even get a word out people ask me if I am his wife and start to rave about what a wonderful person/musician he is (they of course do not live in our house. He is working 10 hours at a church now and the pastor is the same as the pastor from 2 churches ago. AH left that just after getting into a screaming match with that pastor and telling him to F off one day. However the pastor did a lot of soul searching and wanted some sort of reconciliation--so when he saw AH at the bishops convocation asked him to consider taking the job. That is the other thing AH has never had to look for work--people have always called him. He still thinks 2 1/2 years later that he is so great people should just call him and that "work" is beneath him because he is a musician. Even some church jobs of the same variety he left 2 1/2 years ago are now too much work. The pastor where he is now is alson not someone I would talk to. When I made an appt. to talk to him when AH was working for the church where he was pastor the first time he called AH into his office and asked why I was coming in. . .
I have been looking for a new church home. I have been in pastoral counseling after AH left this last job because I felt beaten up by both the church, pastors and congregations when AH left-he did the stuff but they were all full of gossip all of a sudden and treated us like lepers. So I am trying to find another church home for me and the kids and am church shopping (for lack of a better phrase) outside of my denomination (where AH is well known).
Daisy and Silverberry--I currently don't have a church. The last time I had a regular church was when my husband quit that job--after leaving 4 churches in 7 years I just did not want to go back to that denomination--mostly because although we live in a smaller city (300,000) the church community is insular and since AH has worked in this city and denominiation for 27 years and plays around town everyone knows him, thinks he is a masterful musician and I don't really want to hear anyone praise his wonder right now--so before I can even get a word out people ask me if I am his wife and start to rave about what a wonderful person/musician he is (they of course do not live in our house. He is working 10 hours at a church now and the pastor is the same as the pastor from 2 churches ago. AH left that just after getting into a screaming match with that pastor and telling him to F off one day. However the pastor did a lot of soul searching and wanted some sort of reconciliation--so when he saw AH at the bishops convocation asked him to consider taking the job. That is the other thing AH has never had to look for work--people have always called him. He still thinks 2 1/2 years later that he is so great people should just call him and that "work" is beneath him because he is a musician. Even some church jobs of the same variety he left 2 1/2 years ago are now too much work. The pastor where he is now is alson not someone I would talk to. When I made an appt. to talk to him when AH was working for the church where he was pastor the first time he called AH into his office and asked why I was coming in. . .
I have been looking for a new church home. I have been in pastoral counseling after AH left this last job because I felt beaten up by both the church, pastors and congregations when AH left-he did the stuff but they were all full of gossip all of a sudden and treated us like lepers. So I am trying to find another church home for me and the kids and am church shopping (for lack of a better phrase) outside of my denomination (where AH is well known).
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communicat-thank you for pulling out all the truly relevant information from my posts--when it is right there staring you in the face it seems simple. It does not seem so simple when I am living right in the middle of it. I used to be a criminal investigator and am now a regulatory investigator and have always been able to pull relevant information and things that look wrong out of the information I read when I am going over a case. I have not been doing that with my own "case". I remember my oldest sister telling me once that I need to treat myself like one of my clients so I can be removed of emotion and see things clearly--your post helped me do that.
Now I need to sit down and do what I would do for a case--outline exactly what I need to do and how.
There was a blizzard last night and no one will be at work--I only live a 6=5 minute drive away so I think I will head into work and lay it out and then start.
The other thing that I did not mention (that I think muddled things for me) is I really want to go back and get my graduate degree (and stupidly thought AH would be supportive-why I even thought that I do not know). That is also part of the plan--but not right away-however I am going to be 50 this year (but I'm ayoung 50)--I want to get my MSW so I can become an attachment therapist. I already know what to do--just don't have the letters after my name. Our therapist thought I would be great at it and has been encouraging me.
As for accountability about what is going on at home--the attachment therapist know, my boss at work knows (I finally told him 2 weeks ago--he is a very understanding guy and has been wonderful when it has come to me leaving work because of things I needed to do for the kids), a couple people at work know it (some by choice and others not--I work in cubeland where there is no privacy and I am sure some have heard my conversations with AH and others), both my sisters know and to some degree my Dad knows (via my sister)--and I have friends who know. So I will have the emotional support.
OK off to get ready for work
Now I need to sit down and do what I would do for a case--outline exactly what I need to do and how.
There was a blizzard last night and no one will be at work--I only live a 6=5 minute drive away so I think I will head into work and lay it out and then start.
The other thing that I did not mention (that I think muddled things for me) is I really want to go back and get my graduate degree (and stupidly thought AH would be supportive-why I even thought that I do not know). That is also part of the plan--but not right away-however I am going to be 50 this year (but I'm ayoung 50)--I want to get my MSW so I can become an attachment therapist. I already know what to do--just don't have the letters after my name. Our therapist thought I would be great at it and has been encouraging me.
As for accountability about what is going on at home--the attachment therapist know, my boss at work knows (I finally told him 2 weeks ago--he is a very understanding guy and has been wonderful when it has come to me leaving work because of things I needed to do for the kids), a couple people at work know it (some by choice and others not--I work in cubeland where there is no privacy and I am sure some have heard my conversations with AH and others), both my sisters know and to some degree my Dad knows (via my sister)--and I have friends who know. So I will have the emotional support.
OK off to get ready for work
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
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More BS rationalizations, excuses, etc etc to not work. Bottom line; drinking is the number one/numero uno/mantra/religion/God/profession, devout sanctity etc etc.
Sorry. I would ask a lawyer about your options.
Sorry. I would ask a lawyer about your options.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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wife
This post is from the sticky thread "Classic Reading"
Leaving
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Leaving)
its full of practical advice......good wishes!
This post is from the sticky thread "Classic Reading"
Leaving
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Leaving)
its full of practical advice......good wishes!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
okay, here's that complete link one more time. hope it works this time!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 242
Take care of yourself and your kids. Someone said the following to me when I first came on this site years ago: "You choose to have kids; protect them."
I was in a similar situation as you are in now. I had to get a big bully out of my house without too much of a fuss. I succeeded in getting him out and my life has vastly improved. It hasn't been easy, but it is calmer and healthier than ever before.
It seems you are on the right track. Believe in yourself, on your instinct and on YOUR perception of reality. Don't let this man manipulate you into feeling guilty. Keep posting and reach out for help in your community.
What helped me was realizing that people are not perfect and that I could reach out for help in the community, BUT I was in charge of my own life.
I was in a similar situation as you are in now. I had to get a big bully out of my house without too much of a fuss. I succeeded in getting him out and my life has vastly improved. It hasn't been easy, but it is calmer and healthier than ever before.
It seems you are on the right track. Believe in yourself, on your instinct and on YOUR perception of reality. Don't let this man manipulate you into feeling guilty. Keep posting and reach out for help in your community.
What helped me was realizing that people are not perfect and that I could reach out for help in the community, BUT I was in charge of my own life.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Making the transition to leave my AH wasn't easy,
he made it easier for me by getting arrested and going to jail.
while he was in prison I got a PFA order barring him from the home.
I too worried about taking the children from their home and father
but I realized how much damage was being done to them staying in this
enviroment.
They are happier now,no it isnt always easy in fact it's darn frustating
sometimes,but I love them and do the best I can for them.
Living with a verbally abusive alcoholic was destuctive to their spirits
and mine.
I wish you peace.....
he made it easier for me by getting arrested and going to jail.
while he was in prison I got a PFA order barring him from the home.
I too worried about taking the children from their home and father
but I realized how much damage was being done to them staying in this
enviroment.
They are happier now,no it isnt always easy in fact it's darn frustating
sometimes,but I love them and do the best I can for them.
Living with a verbally abusive alcoholic was destuctive to their spirits
and mine.
I wish you peace.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Bug and video tape your house. I know you don't have a lot of money so you can't hire a private investigator. But I would get him on film getting high with your kids running around in the back ground. It will not be able to be used in court ( I'm pretty sure about that)... But seeing is believing and let him explain away visual evidence! As soon as you get it... Call the cops... drugs are illegal if he gets caught with them in your house or car YOU will loose stuff and be in trouble!
It's crazy! I would have him locked up and get a restraining order. He's out of the house and away from the kids... Do I seem mean? I learned this stuff with my first husband. After I did nothing and everyone suffered. It's just my two cents.
PS!!! I just read the link on the check list for leaving... I have a divorce lawyer and her feeling is I needed (do to the alcohol issue) have #4. Gather important info. already done...(I needed it for one of our meetings; was told to take all copies with me.
#2 Bank Accounts: My lawyer worked with my SSD attorney on my MS case and they had me set up an account of my own. I was told to start taking and hiding $40 a week starting this week. She felt it wouldn't be missed and would help out. In PA (my state) I will get half his income until the divorce but it could take up to 3 months to attach his wages. I need to support myself that long. Just giving some Ideas here...
[B]#5 Moving day[B]This was a big deal to my lawyer: She felt I move out when he was gone leave a note (he should have no idea I'm going); Take everything I want; EVERYTHING; she told me horror stories of a guy who wouldn't give baby pictures back even after being offered $100,000 for them. She told me to move out like I was never going to see my house again. (Really hard...I designed and built my home) She said it was better he be mad and I give things back then I not get back what I want...I'm only taking what I need...he'll still be mad...I hope this helps...
It's crazy! I would have him locked up and get a restraining order. He's out of the house and away from the kids... Do I seem mean? I learned this stuff with my first husband. After I did nothing and everyone suffered. It's just my two cents.
PS!!! I just read the link on the check list for leaving... I have a divorce lawyer and her feeling is I needed (do to the alcohol issue) have #4. Gather important info. already done...(I needed it for one of our meetings; was told to take all copies with me.
#2 Bank Accounts: My lawyer worked with my SSD attorney on my MS case and they had me set up an account of my own. I was told to start taking and hiding $40 a week starting this week. She felt it wouldn't be missed and would help out. In PA (my state) I will get half his income until the divorce but it could take up to 3 months to attach his wages. I need to support myself that long. Just giving some Ideas here...
[B]#5 Moving day[B]This was a big deal to my lawyer: She felt I move out when he was gone leave a note (he should have no idea I'm going); Take everything I want; EVERYTHING; she told me horror stories of a guy who wouldn't give baby pictures back even after being offered $100,000 for them. She told me to move out like I was never going to see my house again. (Really hard...I designed and built my home) She said it was better he be mad and I give things back then I not get back what I want...I'm only taking what I need...he'll still be mad...I hope this helps...
Last edited by brundle; 12-20-2008 at 06:54 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Thanks for the link communicat. Being the person who does well with list--I thank the person who put this together--it will have to be modifed to insulate the kids. The one thing I cannot do is leave the kids--they go wherever I go. I started to look for rent to own homes in the same school district. I have started to do many of the things that are on the list and keep all the paperwork at work.
I am going to make an attempt to talk to AH when he is straight--although the same self absorbed person will be there--he just won't be high or durnk. My attachment therapist is being very helpful as far as setting things up so the kids don't fall. It has taken 2 years to get my oldest son to start to trust me--there is a fine line that needs to be walked so he does not go into the "if I am bad like Daddy is will Mama leave me?" thought pattern. On the other hand he knows that I will do what is best for him. He asked me a couple weeks ago "are Daddy and you getting divorced?" The therapist told me to not have this discussion with him until I am just about to walk out the door. I have told him that I will always be honest with him. So I told him I loved him and that if we got divorced it had nothing to do with him (he worries that his behavior causes the arguments AH and I have gotten into--because I have stepped in when AH has gotten verbally abusive with my son). My kids are not easy kids to live with--and I am making no excuses for AH in any way. If anything they need 10 times the patience that other kids need. I have tried to make my son see that although the last 2 years have been rough between the 2 of us (kids with attachment disorder direct the behavior at the mom) that no matter what he has done (and it is hard for some to believe that a then 6 year old child would say and do some of the things he has done to me) I have stuck by him and always will-- and know that what he is doing is not his fault--and that I am proud of all he is doing to get better. Being an 8 year old recovering from PTSD and attachment disorder is grueling--I cannot imagine most adults doing the work he is doing to heal.
I will keep you posted. Christmas will be low key. My family does not drink and we are having dinner at our house--and I won't allow AH to bring booze into the house (if he has it is stashed)--so that means things will be quiet--besides he does not drink when he has to go to church to play and he will be busy. I have already turned down his invitation to join him at his gig for New Year's Eve.
Right now I am concentrating on separating our finances. I found out how much our house is worth and interest rates are going down so that will make it (1) easier to sell our house (2) easier to find a house I can afford and get a mortgage for.
I am going to make an attempt to talk to AH when he is straight--although the same self absorbed person will be there--he just won't be high or durnk. My attachment therapist is being very helpful as far as setting things up so the kids don't fall. It has taken 2 years to get my oldest son to start to trust me--there is a fine line that needs to be walked so he does not go into the "if I am bad like Daddy is will Mama leave me?" thought pattern. On the other hand he knows that I will do what is best for him. He asked me a couple weeks ago "are Daddy and you getting divorced?" The therapist told me to not have this discussion with him until I am just about to walk out the door. I have told him that I will always be honest with him. So I told him I loved him and that if we got divorced it had nothing to do with him (he worries that his behavior causes the arguments AH and I have gotten into--because I have stepped in when AH has gotten verbally abusive with my son). My kids are not easy kids to live with--and I am making no excuses for AH in any way. If anything they need 10 times the patience that other kids need. I have tried to make my son see that although the last 2 years have been rough between the 2 of us (kids with attachment disorder direct the behavior at the mom) that no matter what he has done (and it is hard for some to believe that a then 6 year old child would say and do some of the things he has done to me) I have stuck by him and always will-- and know that what he is doing is not his fault--and that I am proud of all he is doing to get better. Being an 8 year old recovering from PTSD and attachment disorder is grueling--I cannot imagine most adults doing the work he is doing to heal.
I will keep you posted. Christmas will be low key. My family does not drink and we are having dinner at our house--and I won't allow AH to bring booze into the house (if he has it is stashed)--so that means things will be quiet--besides he does not drink when he has to go to church to play and he will be busy. I have already turned down his invitation to join him at his gig for New Year's Eve.
Right now I am concentrating on separating our finances. I found out how much our house is worth and interest rates are going down so that will make it (1) easier to sell our house (2) easier to find a house I can afford and get a mortgage for.
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