sodetermined

If nothing changes, nothing changes.....if you stick your hand in the fire, it burns, just like the last 500 times.

ToughChoices

I've been thinking about you, Wendy.

How are you doing?

-TC

sodetermined

I'm currently just working very hard at not slipping back into codependent behaviors...b/c he is definitely slipping back into his. Just trying very hard today to focus on me, focus on me, focus on me...and let go of the illusion of control. I made a mistake by letting him come back, and I am mad at myself for it now. I am not ready to ask him to leave, not right now. He's not drinking, but he is only abstaining and pretending to recover. But I'll be da- mned if I'm going to let his bull crap junk affect my progress. NOT THIS TIME.

I'm leaving here shortly to go to Ryan's Christmas Program

Lilyflower

Hugs to you hunny! You sound stronger, don't beat yourself up for taking him back! You have so much more wisdom now than in the past - remember what you have learnt and love yourself and I am sure you will naturally do the best for you.

Much love to you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ToughChoices

Awareness is key.
Prepare yourself for action, and you'll be ready if/when the time comes.
Keep reading and posting and going to your meetings - you'll get where you need to be.

Enjoy the Christmas program!

Hugs to you.
-TC

denny57

Sounds like you know what's what. I'd have a plan.


Enjoy the Christmas program.

Bernadette

I've got to admit - your post title made me wince--and I felt sad.
I've been there soconfused- letting the thing I know is bad for me back into my life. It is such a struggle and my heart goes out to you. I hope you are OK. Can you get to AlAnon at all this week, this season??
Stay true to you and RYAN!!! This might be troubling and hard for him too.
Keep your strength up!
((((((soconfused))))))))
peace & prayers!
B.

prodigal

Christmas can bring back memories of better times. Perhaps that's why you let him back in. You're mad at yourself for making a mistake, but you don't want him to leave. It sounds as if you're going to be wearing yourself out trying to keep his b.s. from interfereing with your recovery.

You have the right to be mad at yourself, if that's how you wish to feel now. However, if you start getting mad at him, just remember that you let him back in and he's gonna do what he's gonna do. It sounds like you are kinda beating up on yourself for taking him back. This has to do with you; it's not about him.

Laden101

Soconfused, I am in a similar situation, although my abf moved out and I want him back. I don't have any idea why I want him back with all of the crap that we've been through other than the huge fact that I LOVE him. I don't know how to let go.

Hope that you get through this and stay on top! Be prepared for anything to happen as others have posted, but sounds like you are doing ok.

prodigal

I found when I let my exAH back into my life for a brief time I was pulling what I call a "Yes, but ...."

I had major codependency issues that I refused to deal with. "Yes, but ..."

I had a sense of being abandoned by my ex. Nobody can abandon an adult; they can leave, but the abandonment issue was my problem left over from my childhood. "Yes, but...."

I was angry that I allowed my scum-sucking ex back in the door once again so he could use me. "Yes, but ..."

When I was angry at myself for doing something I knew I shouldn't be doing I was refusing to look at why I really did it and why I was trying to expunge myself from taking responsibility for my own bad decisions. Another version of the "Yes, but ...."

denny57

How do you think it will affect Ryan? Is this man a good role model? Is it good to play revolving door? What is he learning about being a man?

j0hn0than1964

I agree with Denny on all accounts. we all understand it is hard to break the cycles we can all be caught up in, as there is fear in the unknown. However in this case this is history in the known what can and will happen. You of course know better than us what really takes place while your ABF is there with your family. The concerns about your son are a few, one as denny stated is the role model aspect but just as strong is what does this do to your behavior as well when ABF is around and what and how does your son interpret that. As I am sure you know be careful and be smart, the changes will be better for all of you in the short and long run my dear.

JT

prodigal

I agree with Denny. What about Ryan? Is this the type of man you want as a role model for your son? You took him back, you know it's wrong - but what about your child? He's an innocent victim in this world.

All I can say is, "in the arms of the angels, may RYAN, find some comfort there ..."

FormerDoormat

I wasn't raised in an alcoholic home, but still my sister and I both chose men exactly like my father and my five brothers still chose women exactly like my mother.

From the time I was a child, I remember my father telling me that when you're choosing a life partner, it's important to look at the family dynamics of the man you're considering choosing. The relationship his parents have will likely be the same relationship you'll have with that person because people learn what's acceptable and not acceptable in relationships by watching how their parents interact.

So, perhaps this relationship is working for you now in some bizarre type of way, but it's important to keep in mind that what you accept today, Ryan will accept tomorrow.

If you can't demand better treatment and a better way of life for yourself, can you do it for Ryan?

bearfeet

I can see why you did it, I am thankful each day that my Ex still has the funds to go on with his binge because as each day passes I hope I feel stronger but I know at any weak point should the knock come to the door..... and that terrifies me.

I think you are still more prepared now to make future decisions based upon each and every 'burnt hand'. Do look after yourself and your sons happiness in any way you feel you need to right now.

xxxxxxx