Tina114

Hi all, again,
I seem to be throwing a lot of questions your way since i joined but am very grateful for the help.
This question is further to my post 07-25-2003 regarding Hubby and counselling, he went alone. Just before he left he said he would not be too long maybe about ten minutes, i thought this is a good start he is inside the counseller's head dictating how long he would take at the session, anyway he was about an hour gone and said nothing when he returned, so i waited until the afternoon and asked how it went, OH i think ok he said, i told him everything and about the violence with you and our son, i told him all that had happened and you know what , he said, the counseller said we should go to Marriage Guidance, i said you know i didn't come down in the last shower, you either didn't go or you didn't tell the truth, if it is the truth i am surprised by the counseller as he knows my husbands history, i know it is difficult to know a stranger's situation but i think i am around long enough to know if we need Marriage Guidance. I think he is not very honest right now and is side tracking. What do you think.
I had my session with my own counseller today and i am seeing things clearly and am getting stronger regarding my Hubby, i have been playing his games too long now, i am so so tired of everyones problems and i know it is time to focus on me.
I wish his problems were only Marriage Guidance, am i correct here?
A big thanks to all for your replys.
Tina.

Ann

Tina

I'm not sure I understand your question.

If you are seeing your counsellor and he is seeing his counsellor that is a good thing for each of you.

Why do you think seeing a marriage counsellor too is not a good thing? It would seem to me that these would all tie together, or maybe that is all just too much counselling at once.

Since you both have difficulty working through this together, my guess is that marriage counselling is a better alternative than separating right now. Except for the violence. If you are living fearful for the safety of your family, maybe living separately would be a better solution.

Gee - if I sound confused it's because I am. I guess only you can decide what is right for you. As an outsider I cannot guess which would work best in your circumstance.

So I am sending hugs and prayers that you both can find a workable solution and have happiness again.

Hugs
Ann

Tina114

Ann please excuse me if i have confused the issue. Firstly i am going to my counseller for some time now, hubby never went, he only decided to go after the violence, this one time, my problem with this is that i don't think he was open and honest as why did counseller sugest Marriage Guidance. Please don't think i'm off my head, but to me if he had told about his awful behaviour and constant verbal abuse i would have thought the counseller advise him to have his head sorted out. Knowing hubby as i do i think he only went because he thought i would get a barring order. and i really don't know what story he told, maybe it would have worked out had i been there.
To be honest i am still inside his head trying to fix it but i have this feeling that he was not honest with the counseller.
Really hope you can understand what i'm trying to get accross.
Hugs too.
Tina.

Ann

Tina

Don't mind me - I'm easily confused.

If abuse is happening, to you and/or your children, the first priority should be getting to some place safe. Addiction is a progressive disease and just gets worse and worse until they stop, and he may not stop any time soon.

Also, I have learned to trust my instincts. If your instinct is telling you that he is not being honest with you - then he is probably not being honest with you.

But there is nothing you can do to make him do anything. The only thing you can do is to find support and work a program for yourself, and a 12-step program may save your life - I know it saved mine. If you can find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting, please find the courage to go - it may be the best gift you ever gave yourself.

In the meantime, please stay safe. Focus on you and your children. His promises are only words until he takes the appropriate action to back them.

Hugs and prayers
Ann

Tina114

Thanks again Ann.
I am smiling today, feel better in myself, after all these years i have admitted to myself that i am playing his games and i know that is what he wants. Yes i have put more focus on my sons got involved in their conversations and made some nice meals that we chatted around, NORMAL FAMILY THINGS, guess what? hubby is looking on as if he were hit with a ton of bricks.
I can see now that my times in Alanon were not for me but to see if someone could tell me how i could change this man and also i understand now the meaning of changed attitudes can aid recovery. How do we become so blind and get so caught up in someones head that they become so important that you forget yourself, and you know writing things down do help, i have not done this, so far today it has been a good one my thinking is not confused and i can see what is going on, it's time to work at hands off and work on me, i think the serenity prayer has seen me through this bad time and also like the prayer Footprints i really believe he carried me and helped me not to make hasty decisions, so Ann thanks for the hugs and support, until next time.
Big hug for you too,
Tina.

Tina114

Ann, hubby is five years dry, he was great for about two years after treatment centre, slowly went backwards but didn't turn to the bottle, maybe he can find himself again. My son has just told me that his Dad spoke to him this morning and said to him that he wasn't always a bad person.
Hug,
Tina.

Daffodil

Abuse, is Abuse, is Abuse, Tina, I don't know your story but if you think the violance and abuse doesn't affect your childern I can tell you from my own experience IT does, It will, and it's progressive...

Please try the things suggested in these threads..

Stay safe....Please stay in touch!

Love and prayers from one who cares...

Tina114

Thank you, i know only too well the effect it has on kids, my youngest is in councelling he is twenty four, my oldest tried it but he was not comfortable, maybe not ready, he is too nice can not offend anyone etc etc etc. I did a lot of reading through the years on ACOA, when the problem starts you are not aware that it will have such an impact on your children, i coned mysel in thinking it will sort itself out then you realise you are still stuck thirty years later and trying to fix everyone.
Life was just great for two years after his treatment then slowly the old him returned, to make a long story short i don't sit and listen to his poor me, i am not his Mother i did this for too long, he has the tools and the choices like myself but sadly for me i left my tools somewhere and they got badly rusted.
Don't worry i have things in order if violence starts, i am working very much on me right now to make changes, maybe i became too complasant (wrong spelling). Thank you again for careing and for being here.
Big hug,
Tina.