Paulos

Hi. You all may know me in the site, I'm a chairman of 4 meetings a week at 9pm eastern I just thought I'd share that my mother is an alcoholic who drinks more and more every night... she has had a bad life but I hate seeing her DESTROY herself so much, it's ... tearing me apart and the things she says when she's so defensive makes me cry maybe it IS my fault that she drinks, I am an autistic young man and I attached myself too much to my mother... I'm so screwed because our relationship is suffering due to her alcoholism and my inability to be around her when she's ruining herself.

ICant

I think it is very healthy that you aren't around her while she is drinking. The relationship is suffering because she is drinking, not because you aren't sitting there watching it.

Please be reassured that it is not your fault she drinks. I think every alcoholic says it to their loved one. I used to believe it of my husband until it dawned on me that he was an alcoholic before I met him.

brundle

It is only the person who drinks who is drinks who is at fault not you. Those mean things that she says are just her way of protecting herself and her drinking.... (((((((HUG))))))) here are some hugs...

My mom drinks every night too and she is just really mean...I have learned that it's because she's so disappointed in herself NOT me! When she is being really mean I just stay away and don't talk to her. It's not good to be around people who after you talk to them make you feel sad for the rest of the day so I try to have a friend around to have fun with or who knows my family really well who will call and joke with me when I have to spend any time with her...

Your in my prayers...

Silverberry1331

(((Hugs)))

I completely understand your feelings!

I have been starting my step work, and I am examining the three C's as a part it.
I Didn't Cause...I Can't Cure it....I Can't Control it. Although I don't fully grasp these concepts yet, I find alot of comfort in them. My alcoholic is my husband, and I understand the feeling that perhaps I may have caused this. I thought that maybe if I didn't burden him with my needs or my problems, he wouldn't drink so much. Or I thought if I wasn't so demanding of him, he wouldn't drink. If I could just somehow change magically, he would stop this. I am finding in the three C's that no matter what I do, I am not responsible for the drinking nor the sobriety.

Your decision to refrain from your mother's presence when she is drinking is not a bad thing. It is detachment, as you know. It is a loving act that you are doing for you and for her. You remove yourself from a toxic situation and give yourself self care. I personally found that I acted out when I was around my husband and he was drunk. I have said and done some things that were hurtful out of my anger and desperation. I can refrain from this when I remove myself from him when he is drinking.

You are doing the best thing you can right now...working on yourself. As you know from Al Anon, as you improve in your recovery, the family situation improves even if the alcoholic is still active.

((hugs)) dear friend!

Chrysalis123

Hi Paulos, Thanks for posting. Like everyone else said you didn't cause her to drink. No one has that much power!!! I have had a lot of rotten things hapen to me... for instance my mother died unexpectedly when I was 13. Boy did that rock my world as well as my siblings. They choose to drink because of it... I did not. My X-husband lost a limb in a DUI....wow, was that horrid but it still didn't cause me to drink. Didn't stop him from drinking either. Anyway, the only person you control is you.

I know I am concerned about the alcoholic in my life but I have chosen to turn that over to my and his higher power. In the meantime I am learning all about how to become the healthiest person I can. Alanon has helped as well as certain books. So far my favorite was "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Paulos

Thank you all for your support... it's tough for me to see her destroying herself after I now realize how important it is to live and stay alive... it's ... hurtful to me seeing it, that's why I can't stand being around it, I wouldn't be like that if I was around other people who drank, just my family... :|

Barbara52

I know the pain of watching mom drunk everyday. As hard as it is, separating yourself form her is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. She will or will not drink regardless of anything you do or do not do. Only she is responsible for her choices. All you can do is take care of yourself.