Barbara52

I want to share this for those in here who are in the midst of a relationship with an alcoholic who have children in their homes.

Both my parents were alcoholics. We didn't see my father much because he worked night shift most of my life. We saw him mostly on weekends and holidays.

Weekends and holidays came to mean mom and dad got drunk which usually meant fights. From the time I was very little, somewhere under 5, I knew mom and dad being around together meant drunkeness and anger. Now mom was drunk a whole lot of the time on other days, mind you but that was differnent. Mom drunk on her own was maulding and crying. Mom drunk and dad drunk together was a storm waiting to erupt.

My brothers and I talked about how the victim of the day would get chosen by dad when he was drunk. He always needed a target for his anger.

Most of the time it was mom and she frequently wore the bruises as evidence. Of course she never admitted those bruises were from dad's fists. I guess a polite charade went on and we kids didn't admit to knowing dad had hit her, that we heard it all.

Then of course there were the other times when the vicitm of the day was me or one of my brothers. I don't remember how old I was the first time I was the victim but I suspect it was before I was 10. I don't remember what mom did those times one of us kids were beaten. I have blocked the memories to this day and I'm now almost 54.

I do clearly remember the last time my father hit me. It was Christmas eve and I was 13. He hit me so hard I was unconsicous for a brief period of time. When I came to, Dad was standing over me, ready to hit me again yelling at me about faking being knocked out. I somehow pushed him out of my way when I stood and told him I would call the cops if he came near me, touched me again. I remember the look of shock on his face too. He believed me. He never did hit me again.

Anyway the point of all this rambling story is that from as early as I can remember, Christmas meant drunkenness, fighting, violence, and tears. I have no happy childhood memories of opening presents. I have no memories of a happy family gathering for a shared dinner and Christmas joy (although my older brother tells me they did happen). For me Christmas (and every other holiday for that matter) will always be associated with drunkeness and anger.

Your children see more than you give them credit for. Children are little sponges absorbing everything around them. Even if you don't have the violence in your homes that was in mine, your children are learning from you and your A everyday. They are storing away every incident. They are, underneath it all, wondering what they did wrong, how they caused it. I know I did.

I am now building happier Christmas memories and have been for many years. I love this season of giving and love. But underneath it all, the young girl who hated holidays is still there inside me, hating Christmas because of what it was like back then. Those experiences run awfully deep.

denny57

Thank you for sharing. ((( )))

nowinsituation

B52 - Thank you for sharing how painful those memories are for you. I was one of those people who believed that my children had no idea their Dad was abusing alcohol. (After all, if I didn't know it was going on; how could they?) Over and over on here -- current children of alcoholics and adult children of alcoholics share like you did how much they knew, how much they hurt, and how much they wished some adult would WAKE UP and realize how bad it was.

I woke up, not soon enough; but hopefully averted some of the damage. I have had a couple of more revelations in the last two days that drive home that my children were very aware of what was going on, even though I was deep in denial.

I moved out in Nov 2007 -- my son had graduated high school earlier that year (in May) and had been living out of the house with my brother -- a couple of hours away -- since his graduation. He was going to stay there until he started college in January, but came back unexpectedly right when I moved out. I had not said anything to him about our marital problems; nor had my ex. My brother confided in me this weekend that he asked to come back early (he was working for my brother) because "Mom & Dad are having problems". I still don't know how he knew?

My daughter - age 14 -- told me last week that she will never drink alcohol. She said she has seen enough of how people act stupid when they are drunk; and she doesn't want any part of it. She also said that knowing her Dad is an alcoholic, she doesn't want to take the chance that she will become one.

Of course I think my kids are pretty darn smart, a lot smarter than me. But, they are not any smarter than anyone else's kids. The kids know -- somehow they know.

cem001

I look back at my recent Christmas' (the past 21 years) and with my children. I am one of the lucky ones who doesn't drink. However I stayed (and to this day still in the marriage with a RAH) with an alcoholic through all the BS that they put us through.

My children who are now 17, 15 and 14 have gone from having many Christmas' with their dad flat out passed out and enraged about some stupid thing. You're so right when you say the absorb and know more than what you give them credit for.

I remember that there would be hell to pay if we didn't go to the liquor store to get his "stuff" before they closed.

Although we never had physical abuse the mental is just as bad, and there was plenty of that.

Thanks for sharing, I look back on our lives thinking "you are a bad mother to let your children endure his crap". I'll never forgive myself, but I also can't dwell on it.

We are living for today!

Thanks B52, always love to see your post.

suzieq1972

Thanks for sharing your story.


Sue

sodetermined

(((B)))

Thank you for sharing this, it definitely touched a nerve or two with me today.

twistedruby

Thank you for sharing that.......
I know that brought things to the surface that you normally don't have "front and center" in your head.


You know about making a list of things to be grateful for ?
I am grateful that I did not know the horror, Misery, and extreme frustration of living with an alcoholic till the last several years. (I'm 55)
(Growing up, I had enough issues with my parents but it didn't involve alcohol or drugs.)

Jokes, especially during the holidays, about drunks and drinking and anything alcohol related Used To Be pretty funny......until my Hub started really abusing the booze and when he wasn't drunk, exhibited "dry-drunk" behavior.
Oh my God, the disrespect is SOO damaging to your core feelings/love toward the person.

Now.... jokes about alcohol, drunks, and/or bars are very rarely funny.......more disgusting than anything else.


Sorry I veered a little off topic there....

prodigal

It's heartbreaking to hear how innocent children are put through hell by one or both alcoholic parents. My cousins grew up in a home with an A mother. The strangest thing was, she would NOT get drunk at Christmas. She'd go on massive benders other times of the year, but not Christmas.

Barb, I'm so very, very sorry you had to endure trauma like that during your childhood. So many innocent kids robbed of even having a childhood with an A for a parent. (((barb)))

My dad had a food addiction, big-time. My mother was mentally ill. Christmas could be okay if mom wasn't going off on some tangent, but it was hit-or-miss. When they broke up, there was no more Christmas. Apparently, mom hated Christmas, along with any other joyous occasion ...

The last decent Christmas I had was in '01. AH wasn't as far gone. Now, I just enjoy the time he's out of the house at work and listen to Christmas carols.

And he was home from Friday evening until this morning on "annnual leave." I refer to it as his "annual Christmas drunk." I detached, but I'm drained and depressed from having to be around a drunk who IS drunk 24/7 when home.
Ugh...

Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men ... I wish that for every one of you. And I know it's a daunting task when A's are part of our lives ...

Bernadette

(((((((B-52))))))))
I've read your post a few times.
Wow.
It brought back memories for me.
It also brought out for me again something I always appreciate being reminded of: that what matters is the REALITY of a situation. Not the pretense - not how I think things should be or look, but how things are. Big Christmas tree and lots of lights and presents, and Mom wacked out with pretending to make everything seem normal, but a parent passed out on alcohol? Not a happy Christmas. Humble tree, meager presents, but warm, sober, loving people, peace, and laughter? That's what really, really counts.

There was one particularly grim Christmas when I was about 9 when Dad ended up in the hospital with a "heart infection." There was a week of horrible arguing when he came home and mom had to care for him and he immediately started drinking again and it came out through the yelling that his stay in hospital was alcohol related. (I was 9 that Christmas so any parents out there who think the kids aren't suffering cuz they are young WAKE UP!!!) And then there were Christmases when yeah my father was lit and/or hungover but there was no screaming, and those were so much better, yet still I walked around on eggshells, not wanting to disturb whatever fragile calm existed, thinking if I could just be "good" maybe there would be no fighting.

I think the utter unpredictability is what did me in as a little girl. I learned in therapy it is where a lot of my control codie issues come from - that unpredictability, that damn lack of consistency - of reliable sanity.....

Barb- I hope you have made some good holiday times & memories for yourself now that you are an adult.... your story really just captured the image of an innocent child caught up in the bad, mad, sad world of an alcoholic family.....ugh I shuddered reading it - but I love that you shared it.

It's ONE thing I LIKE about getting older. I have a good heavy accumulation now of strong new memories - memories of good healthy things, and choices, choices I only learned to make by going to AlAnon and going to therapy and getting the hell out of my unhealthy marriage!!! I am living long enough that the accumulated years of my unhealthy memories no longer tips the scale - because I have worked so hard to try and make a new better and improved normal life! One day at a time.

Peace-
B.

Barbara52

{hugs} I'm sorry you were one of the multitude of kids who lived with the horrors of alcoholism as a kid.

There are a lot of us in here with similar stories and memories. And there is another generation of us in the making right now. THAT is why I posted the short and sweet version of my childhood. Maybe it can help wake up some parent out there who is thinking their kids don't know what's going on, who think their kids aren't being affected by alcoholism because they are too young.

Absolutely!



I started working (and it was work) to build happy holiday memories when I had kids. I still don't get all excited about Christmas really. I love giving gifts, I love having my sons and friends around me. But in many ways, I could as easily celebrate Thursday as Christmas. Well, as long I ignored my deep faith in Christ. {wink}

It is indeed wonderful to be able to out weigh the bad stuff with the good and healthy new stuff. {hugs}