Life is not fair - and I'm really bummed today!
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Life is not fair - and I'm really bummed today!
Well, after doing all the things I need to do for me while living w/my AH, life is still not working to my advantage. I am at a complete and total loss, and I am so depressed right now.
You all know my saga of AH, his court ordered treatment, continuous drinking, cops bringing him home instead of DWI's, cops refusing to put him out of the house even tho I have an order, etc. Anyway, AH is still unemployed and actively drinking each and every day, more on the weekends. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I understand that. I am in therapy with the director of the chemical dependency program that AH attends 4 times a week (and get this - 4 times a week, and he still passes the breathalyzer!). I have notified them and told her about his constant drinking, but until he "fails" a breathalyzer, which he is required to take each and every time he goes there, there is nothing they can do about it. Of course, AH thinks that my therapy w/her is a "conflict of interest" cause it's "another set of eyes on him" and doesn't want me to mention his drinking (of course not - why else am I there?????). He met w/the psychiatrist last Monday (with me there) to discuss being put on campral. AH admitted to drinking the entire weekend, so psychiatrist said it wasn't good medicine to give it to him till he was 2 weeks sober. Anyway, AH had to go back yesterday. Told the psychiatrist that he's been doing good, hasn't been drinking and would prefer not to be put on campral if he can do it himself. Pyschiatrist said "that's what I needed to hear" and was happy he was doing so well (WTF????). Today was AH court date for compliance (has to go once a month). The center notified the court that AH relapsed and was increased to 4 times a week. AH was nervous about court today, I told him not to be since he will have them conned. AH was so excited that everything went "great" in court today, not a word about any relapses, nothing!!! He was so excited, that instead of his one on one therapy tonite, he went there right after court today so he can promptly start drinking (he doesn't have group till tomorrow night) and is well on his way to being drunk already (at 11 a.m. this morning!!!!). So after me working all day, I gotta go home to that. And yes, I did have an attitude w/him on the phone, can't help it. Each level I turn to try to protect me and do what I need to do for me, and let everyone know what's going on w/him, is not helping me any at all. It's almost as if he's laughing in my face, he can't be put out of his own house according to the law, court's aren't caring if he "relapsed", his treatment center knows but "what can they do???", it's like ha in my face. I now I have to eventually leave my own house, I know that. I am giving up alot, a house, credit rating, etc. I need to make a plan, cause to be honest, I thought my order of protection against him banned him from drinking in the house, I thought that if he did drink it was automatic jail time (since that's what the DA and judge did say), I thought I could still have what is rightfully mine, and he can leave, which obviously isn't the case. To top it all off, I had a wonderful friendship with my older sister for over 18 years, shared all kinds of confidences, she was my best friend, and I thought it strange that she has not responded to my calls or e-mails in about two months. Now I find out that she has been speaking with my crackhead, ambien addicted, alcoholic sister (who we both cut ties w/along time ago) and somehow, someway they are both against me cause I am a "trouble maker" and always was. And my one sister, the one who was my best friend, betrayed alot of my confidences to the crackhead one. I trusted this sister w/my life, and I got stabbed in the back on that one. My life is not turning out at all the way I'd pictured it, and I've tried to do everything right, and it's not turning out good at all. I used to say no matter what, at least I have good kids, good husband and good family. Now I don't have any of it. My kids hate my AH, nobody is getting together for the holidays, my husband is a drunk who cons me all the time, and my sister betrayed me. I am at such a loss, and so depressed right now. Thanks for listening.
You all know my saga of AH, his court ordered treatment, continuous drinking, cops bringing him home instead of DWI's, cops refusing to put him out of the house even tho I have an order, etc. Anyway, AH is still unemployed and actively drinking each and every day, more on the weekends. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I understand that. I am in therapy with the director of the chemical dependency program that AH attends 4 times a week (and get this - 4 times a week, and he still passes the breathalyzer!). I have notified them and told her about his constant drinking, but until he "fails" a breathalyzer, which he is required to take each and every time he goes there, there is nothing they can do about it. Of course, AH thinks that my therapy w/her is a "conflict of interest" cause it's "another set of eyes on him" and doesn't want me to mention his drinking (of course not - why else am I there?????). He met w/the psychiatrist last Monday (with me there) to discuss being put on campral. AH admitted to drinking the entire weekend, so psychiatrist said it wasn't good medicine to give it to him till he was 2 weeks sober. Anyway, AH had to go back yesterday. Told the psychiatrist that he's been doing good, hasn't been drinking and would prefer not to be put on campral if he can do it himself. Pyschiatrist said "that's what I needed to hear" and was happy he was doing so well (WTF????). Today was AH court date for compliance (has to go once a month). The center notified the court that AH relapsed and was increased to 4 times a week. AH was nervous about court today, I told him not to be since he will have them conned. AH was so excited that everything went "great" in court today, not a word about any relapses, nothing!!! He was so excited, that instead of his one on one therapy tonite, he went there right after court today so he can promptly start drinking (he doesn't have group till tomorrow night) and is well on his way to being drunk already (at 11 a.m. this morning!!!!). So after me working all day, I gotta go home to that. And yes, I did have an attitude w/him on the phone, can't help it. Each level I turn to try to protect me and do what I need to do for me, and let everyone know what's going on w/him, is not helping me any at all. It's almost as if he's laughing in my face, he can't be put out of his own house according to the law, court's aren't caring if he "relapsed", his treatment center knows but "what can they do???", it's like ha in my face. I now I have to eventually leave my own house, I know that. I am giving up alot, a house, credit rating, etc. I need to make a plan, cause to be honest, I thought my order of protection against him banned him from drinking in the house, I thought that if he did drink it was automatic jail time (since that's what the DA and judge did say), I thought I could still have what is rightfully mine, and he can leave, which obviously isn't the case. To top it all off, I had a wonderful friendship with my older sister for over 18 years, shared all kinds of confidences, she was my best friend, and I thought it strange that she has not responded to my calls or e-mails in about two months. Now I find out that she has been speaking with my crackhead, ambien addicted, alcoholic sister (who we both cut ties w/along time ago) and somehow, someway they are both against me cause I am a "trouble maker" and always was. And my one sister, the one who was my best friend, betrayed alot of my confidences to the crackhead one. I trusted this sister w/my life, and I got stabbed in the back on that one. My life is not turning out at all the way I'd pictured it, and I've tried to do everything right, and it's not turning out good at all. I used to say no matter what, at least I have good kids, good husband and good family. Now I don't have any of it. My kids hate my AH, nobody is getting together for the holidays, my husband is a drunk who cons me all the time, and my sister betrayed me. I am at such a loss, and so depressed right now. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by queenteree 
Each level I turn to try to protect me and do what I need to do for me, and let everyone know what's going on w/him, is not helping me any at all.
What are your options that having NOTHING to do with him and his drinking?
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I'm so sorry that you are hurting, queenteree.
Have a big hug from Oklahoma!
It sounds like your husband's life and drinking is really out of control.
But his life isn't your life.
It was really hard for me to embrace and believe that.
What do you want for your life?
Can you have a Christmas celebration without your AH?
Can you call your sister and talk to her about your confusion?
It is not your job to convince this man not to drink, to tell his counselors or psychiatrists about his alcohol consumption, or to get him arrested for drinking.
Not your job.
Your job is to live your life the way that you see fit. Whatever he does!
Thinking of you today.
-TC
Have a big hug from Oklahoma!
It sounds like your husband's life and drinking is really out of control.
But his life isn't your life.
It was really hard for me to embrace and believe that.
What do you want for your life?
Can you have a Christmas celebration without your AH?
Can you call your sister and talk to her about your confusion?
It is not your job to convince this man not to drink, to tell his counselors or psychiatrists about his alcohol consumption, or to get him arrested for drinking.
Not your job.
Your job is to live your life the way that you see fit. Whatever he does!
Thinking of you today.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
As long as I continued to believe that controlling him was best for me, I suffered. My life wasn't fair, and nothing turned out the way I wanted it to. Letting go and living my life for me didn't turn out the way I wanted either. It turned out better. Control is an illusion.
L
L
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Denny - you know I always value what you have to say, but I don't get what you're asking, so if you can clarify, I would really appreciate it.
TC - thanks for your imput. I am not trying to make him suffer any consequences of his actions, not at all. I know his drinking is about him. Thing is, when I had the stay away order, I was able to stay in my house, I was able to pay the bills, I knew I'd have a roof over my head, I had my kids and grandkids there all the time, life was really, really good. I worked damn hard for my house, my kids and grands are very comfortable there. Then I, stupidly, allowed that order to be changed to a non-harass order, where he could be in the house, and I seriously thought it meant only if he stayed sober (cause he had been sober a few months and I thought we'd work on our marriage and trusted him). I thought if things changed, and he relapsed, I'd have recourse, and then I can still live there, pay the bills, spend time w/my kids and grandkids, etc. He would be out of the equation. The judge and the DA flat out told him if he didn't complete this program, if he drank, if he got into any trouble at any time, he would go to jail. That is what I head, that is what they said. So that's what I thought. The reason, and the only reason, I did tell the courts, therapists, called the police, was because I don't care if he drinks, I care how his drinking affects ME. I want to live a normal life with my family, and now that he's allowed to remain in the house, drink till his heart's content, and my kids and grandkids won't even come over, that affects ME. Now, even after supporting the household for months all on my own, I have to put up with this. I can't even move during the holidays (we all know nobody moves out of apts. in Dec.!).
As for my sisters, no, I can't call her and discuss the confusion. I know for a fact she has betrayed my confidences, and there is no confusion. I guess I just don't know what I did to deserve something like that, and it would only create more drama in my already chaotic life.
TC - thanks for your imput. I am not trying to make him suffer any consequences of his actions, not at all. I know his drinking is about him. Thing is, when I had the stay away order, I was able to stay in my house, I was able to pay the bills, I knew I'd have a roof over my head, I had my kids and grandkids there all the time, life was really, really good. I worked damn hard for my house, my kids and grands are very comfortable there. Then I, stupidly, allowed that order to be changed to a non-harass order, where he could be in the house, and I seriously thought it meant only if he stayed sober (cause he had been sober a few months and I thought we'd work on our marriage and trusted him). I thought if things changed, and he relapsed, I'd have recourse, and then I can still live there, pay the bills, spend time w/my kids and grandkids, etc. He would be out of the equation. The judge and the DA flat out told him if he didn't complete this program, if he drank, if he got into any trouble at any time, he would go to jail. That is what I head, that is what they said. So that's what I thought. The reason, and the only reason, I did tell the courts, therapists, called the police, was because I don't care if he drinks, I care how his drinking affects ME. I want to live a normal life with my family, and now that he's allowed to remain in the house, drink till his heart's content, and my kids and grandkids won't even come over, that affects ME. Now, even after supporting the household for months all on my own, I have to put up with this. I can't even move during the holidays (we all know nobody moves out of apts. in Dec.!).
As for my sisters, no, I can't call her and discuss the confusion. I know for a fact she has betrayed my confidences, and there is no confusion. I guess I just don't know what I did to deserve something like that, and it would only create more drama in my already chaotic life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
QT, what I mean is, it looks like you're still allowing him to decide the life you are going to live. I understand that you have supported the household for months all on your own. Doesn't that mean you could do it SOMEWHERE ELSE? I know you love the house; I absolutely understand it. I loved my home, too. I love the new home I have today.
You can survive it all without him in the mix. I believe that, because I've been sharing this journey with you for a long time. I got myself in a whole lot of trouble by trying to cling to what was.
There are ALWAYS other options, always. Dig deep. If your kids and grandkids won't come around, why let HIM rule your life that way? Forget the police, forget the orders, forget it all. What can you, QT, do to set this right?
That is so close to advice I feel sick LOL!!!!
You can do this, QT, I KNOW it.
You can survive it all without him in the mix. I believe that, because I've been sharing this journey with you for a long time. I got myself in a whole lot of trouble by trying to cling to what was.
There are ALWAYS other options, always. Dig deep. If your kids and grandkids won't come around, why let HIM rule your life that way? Forget the police, forget the orders, forget it all. What can you, QT, do to set this right?
That is so close to advice I feel sick LOL!!!!
You can do this, QT, I KNOW it.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thanks all. I guess I'm just really really angry with myself. I mean, I had it all, I had him removed from the house w/an actual "stay away" order, no contact, no nothing. And I was happy, really truly happy. My kids knew it, they knew I did not want to get back with him, that I did love him, but I love me too, and I didn't miss any of the drama and stuff. I was thanking God every day for how he stepped in and for the whole dramatic episode that led up to the whole court/stay away order, etc. Now it's all back to square one, due to my stupidity! He conned me, and I let it happen. I'm stuck till at least after the holidays, and I guess I'm also angry with myself that I'm still working to support the household while he's drunk and unemployed, and calling the shots. Keep the ESH coming though, cause I really need it today. I feel so deep in despair right now. And thanks Denny, your post made me feel much better, it's just that a few short months ago, I didn't have to dig deep, and I blew it! Now it's back to square one again.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Can u change the order again??? Get it to do what it did before?
ugh - (((hugs))) to you Teree....
B
P.S. I just don't know what I did to deserve something like that
Classic codie assumption.
My guess: it has nothing to do w/ anything you really did. Search your own conscience - if you owe an apology or amends make it == otherwise - it probably has more to do with them than you. But I KNOW -- it's gotta hurt. :-(
ugh - (((hugs))) to you Teree....
B
P.S. I just don't know what I did to deserve something like that
Classic codie assumption.
My guess: it has nothing to do w/ anything you really did. Search your own conscience - if you owe an apology or amends make it == otherwise - it probably has more to do with them than you. But I KNOW -- it's gotta hurt. :-(
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