Lost it completely
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Lost it completely
I well and truly lost it night before last.
I have been struggling with being faced with nowhere to go when lease expires, as landlord wants vacant possession in month.
Have been sorting out my gear and packing up, (hateful task) in 30 plus degree temperatures, and not easy with having arthritis, a neuroma on my foot and carpal tunnel in wrist. Also have headache from eyes not focusing due to having had 1st cataract op, meaning different vision in eyes.
Had gone halves in a car with abf, but when I needed it to go to church on Monday night, he wanted to know why I wasn't going with my friend who usually takes me.
Went on about cost of petrol and how we had agreed car was to be used only when no other transport, eg bus or a lift and for trips away.
My friend isn't in town to take me. She is rather busy burying her only son, who suicided last week.
Went to abf's place and got car, and gave him a serve. Early yesterday morning I took it back and left it in his parking space, as I was not in the mood for any "dry drunk" debates.
It was also my father's 32nd anniversary, and I still miss him terribly, and how I wish he were here to give me a hug and tell me all would work out well for me.
Was just leaving my place to get bus to town to see eye specialist, and txt from him asking if I was coming for the car. Thought, "ok will drop off 5 big bags of clothes etc I had culled, at Salvos on way. so went for the car, and got met with "ice age" man, so into car and off.
Got few txts from him, the first to say he wasn't coming to dinner with my grand daughter, husband and me. Next said I had seldom got bus anywhere, had used the car too much and it was just sheer laziness on my part. This from man who has called a cab for a 5 minute walk home, because he was tired, and his back ached. We have only had the damned thing 3 weeks and filled up then, it is still over half full, so either hasn't had much use or has never emptying tank. (I wish). I saw red and let him have earful, as I had been ready for a 5 hour round bus trip.
Last txt said "he didn't want to be around me as I was angry with all facets of my life, and he didn't want blame, guilt or to be called manipulator. I ignored it and turned mobile phone off.
I went to dinner with GD, had a lovely time if you can ignore my wondering just how mad he probably was at me for using car I half paid for, which is registered and insured in my name, without his permission. Drove home a bit afraid he would be hanging round waiting and take off with car.
Now am fearful he will go on a binge, because he is upset with me and also tomorrow is his son's anniversary of being killed in a car smash, driving whilst angry and drunk. The last thing I need is him to drink drive in a car reg to me, and cause an accident or death.
Keep telling myself to trust in God's care and leave it to Him, but so far that isn't been working and I feel everything happening just now is more than I can take. Certainly my depression is worsening despite medication.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest after putting on "happy face" for those at dinner.
I have been struggling with being faced with nowhere to go when lease expires, as landlord wants vacant possession in month.
Have been sorting out my gear and packing up, (hateful task) in 30 plus degree temperatures, and not easy with having arthritis, a neuroma on my foot and carpal tunnel in wrist. Also have headache from eyes not focusing due to having had 1st cataract op, meaning different vision in eyes.
Had gone halves in a car with abf, but when I needed it to go to church on Monday night, he wanted to know why I wasn't going with my friend who usually takes me.
Went on about cost of petrol and how we had agreed car was to be used only when no other transport, eg bus or a lift and for trips away.
My friend isn't in town to take me. She is rather busy burying her only son, who suicided last week.
Went to abf's place and got car, and gave him a serve. Early yesterday morning I took it back and left it in his parking space, as I was not in the mood for any "dry drunk" debates.
It was also my father's 32nd anniversary, and I still miss him terribly, and how I wish he were here to give me a hug and tell me all would work out well for me.
Was just leaving my place to get bus to town to see eye specialist, and txt from him asking if I was coming for the car. Thought, "ok will drop off 5 big bags of clothes etc I had culled, at Salvos on way. so went for the car, and got met with "ice age" man, so into car and off.
Got few txts from him, the first to say he wasn't coming to dinner with my grand daughter, husband and me. Next said I had seldom got bus anywhere, had used the car too much and it was just sheer laziness on my part. This from man who has called a cab for a 5 minute walk home, because he was tired, and his back ached. We have only had the damned thing 3 weeks and filled up then, it is still over half full, so either hasn't had much use or has never emptying tank. (I wish). I saw red and let him have earful, as I had been ready for a 5 hour round bus trip.
Last txt said "he didn't want to be around me as I was angry with all facets of my life, and he didn't want blame, guilt or to be called manipulator. I ignored it and turned mobile phone off.
I went to dinner with GD, had a lovely time if you can ignore my wondering just how mad he probably was at me for using car I half paid for, which is registered and insured in my name, without his permission. Drove home a bit afraid he would be hanging round waiting and take off with car.
Now am fearful he will go on a binge, because he is upset with me and also tomorrow is his son's anniversary of being killed in a car smash, driving whilst angry and drunk. The last thing I need is him to drink drive in a car reg to me, and cause an accident or death.
Keep telling myself to trust in God's care and leave it to Him, but so far that isn't been working and I feel everything happening just now is more than I can take. Certainly my depression is worsening despite medication.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest after putting on "happy face" for those at dinner.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((((((((((jadmack25))))))))))
all will be well for you.
You are ging through a lot of stress and your "Drug of Choice" is to focus on the alcoholic and whether he will be mad about the car, whether he will binge etc.
Can you make a plan, just for today, just for you, and stick to the plan? If you find you are obsessing over him, set the timer and let yourself worry away for 5 or 10 minutes and when it *dings* get up and DO any of the little things you can do to keep your own heavy load moving forward, get back to your plan. Hopefully the "you" stuff will start to edge out the "him" stuff in your mind.
Don't even give the car a second thought- it is half yours and you can do what you want with it half the time!!! that's a lot of time!!
easy does it jadmack- you have a lot on your plate--
peace & Courage-
B.
all will be well for you.
You are ging through a lot of stress and your "Drug of Choice" is to focus on the alcoholic and whether he will be mad about the car, whether he will binge etc.
Can you make a plan, just for today, just for you, and stick to the plan? If you find you are obsessing over him, set the timer and let yourself worry away for 5 or 10 minutes and when it *dings* get up and DO any of the little things you can do to keep your own heavy load moving forward, get back to your plan. Hopefully the "you" stuff will start to edge out the "him" stuff in your mind.
Don't even give the car a second thought- it is half yours and you can do what you want with it half the time!!! that's a lot of time!!
easy does it jadmack- you have a lot on your plate--
peace & Courage-
B.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know how easy it is to reach a boiling point with so much stress on the plate! :ghug
I try really hard to focus on the fact my schooling will eventually put me in a better position financially because as it is, I am 'tied' to my parents because they help me with bills and also paid for the little Nissan I drive.
There are always strings attached to those things, and when youngest AD totaled her car, and I had to hand the Nissan over to her those 2 months she was without transportation, I had to step out of the entire mess.
I will be praying your housing situation will be resolved soon for you and will be keeping you in my prayers!
I try really hard to focus on the fact my schooling will eventually put me in a better position financially because as it is, I am 'tied' to my parents because they help me with bills and also paid for the little Nissan I drive.
There are always strings attached to those things, and when youngest AD totaled her car, and I had to hand the Nissan over to her those 2 months she was without transportation, I had to step out of the entire mess.
I will be praying your housing situation will be resolved soon for you and will be keeping you in my prayers!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Got bit of sleep and at 5am this morning started on bedroom drawers. Threw out stuff I am dumbfounded I ever thought worth keeping, made pile for giving away and another pile to keep. In the bottom of my wardrobe I found a tattered old jewelry box, full of old fashioned and broken stuff I had forgotten I even had. Nearly dumped it, but sorted thru and Glory to God, found a ring I had lost over 5 years ago and have been upset about ever since then. Was I joyful? You bet I was and still am.
Had just finished clearing and cleaning and abf arrived. He sorry for way he had behaved and said he hadn't slept much last night, felt like drinking yesterday and took his anger at the craving out on me. He rang for appointment to see counselor and then came here to apologise to me. (1) for being so domineering about our car, it was nitpicking and stupid. and (2) for not remembering my Dad's death, as it is 2 days before his son's and he should have known it would have me feeling down and been more understanding. That's a first.
He then helped move heavy boxes and cartons into garage, and stacked them for me. He said he'd pick me up to go to his place for tea, as I would be tired and not up to walking. SOMEBODY PICK ME UP FROM THE FLOOR.
I spent last 2 hours culling my other closet of clothes, so more gear to give away. It isn't so hot today, but I am tired out and Phew, do I need a shower.
I have at least 2 hours of prayer now, as my dearest friend is in Brisbane burying her son shortly, and our prayer group will be with her in spirit and prayer.
I also must thank God for my healthy, settled and happy children and grand kids and even if I have pain, and a few nasty hassles, WELL HEY, I am alive and breathing.
Thanks Devon and B for your posts and suggestions. I must put more into ME and let him do whatever he must do. At least this time he recognised what he did and why and is sorry for it. Had put him in God's hands just before he quit, and now it seems his HP is working on him and he don't know it - YET. My HP, God works directly to me and thru you darlings at SR.
God bless all
Had just finished clearing and cleaning and abf arrived. He sorry for way he had behaved and said he hadn't slept much last night, felt like drinking yesterday and took his anger at the craving out on me. He rang for appointment to see counselor and then came here to apologise to me. (1) for being so domineering about our car, it was nitpicking and stupid. and (2) for not remembering my Dad's death, as it is 2 days before his son's and he should have known it would have me feeling down and been more understanding. That's a first.
He then helped move heavy boxes and cartons into garage, and stacked them for me. He said he'd pick me up to go to his place for tea, as I would be tired and not up to walking. SOMEBODY PICK ME UP FROM THE FLOOR.
I spent last 2 hours culling my other closet of clothes, so more gear to give away. It isn't so hot today, but I am tired out and Phew, do I need a shower.
I have at least 2 hours of prayer now, as my dearest friend is in Brisbane burying her son shortly, and our prayer group will be with her in spirit and prayer.
I also must thank God for my healthy, settled and happy children and grand kids and even if I have pain, and a few nasty hassles, WELL HEY, I am alive and breathing.
Thanks Devon and B for your posts and suggestions. I must put more into ME and let him do whatever he must do. At least this time he recognised what he did and why and is sorry for it. Had put him in God's hands just before he quit, and now it seems his HP is working on him and he don't know it - YET. My HP, God works directly to me and thru you darlings at SR.
God bless all
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My gosh, pick you up off the floor? I was glad I was sitting down when I read what he did! 
I know you've got a deadline on getting things done for the move, but please try to pace yourself.
I still feel beat up from the stress of finals week during college. I will be so glad when the consultation with the surgeon is over on the 24th so I know what direction I am heading in on the back issues. I don't have the energy right now to NOT pace myself!
Continuing to keep you in my prayers, and your friend in Brisbane is very blessed to have you for a friend! :ghug :ghug
I know you've got a deadline on getting things done for the move, but please try to pace yourself.
I still feel beat up from the stress of finals week during college. I will be so glad when the consultation with the surgeon is over on the 24th so I know what direction I am heading in on the back issues. I don't have the energy right now to NOT pace myself!
Continuing to keep you in my prayers, and your friend in Brisbane is very blessed to have you for a friend! :ghug :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Well, home from a lovely dinner cooked by abf, and have decided no more sorting or work til tomorrow morning, other than clear my bed of papers etc or I will have nowhere to sleep.
I get up and at it early because it has been 23deg overnight and starts getting HOT from 7am. I am talking 30 - 33deg and humidity can be 80%. One benefit is exercise carting gear room to room, and sweating like you wouldn't believe. I drink 4 litres at least a day. If I don't lose weight by the time I am done I will SCREAM.
My friend flew to Tasmania, organised a memorial service for her son, then flew 3000 kms back home for the weekend. Was at Mass on Sunday and actually did the 1st reading as she was rostered to. How she managed it, I and others there do not know. She stayed dry eyed whilst some of us had tears and Father was as bad as us. She has such a strong faith and certainly is an inspiration to me. Monday she flew 1000kms for the funeral and internment today. One service would flatten most grieving people, two would be sheer hell for anyone.
I found out today that a new medication had adverse affects with my AD's, hence my stroppy and explosive mood for the past 2 weeks. They got dumped fast, so hopefully I will be much calmer and happier very soon.
Told abf this, and his comment should have anyone involved with addictive people just about hysterical with laughter. He said "good, you'll be back to normal again. It's been murder being around you, like walking on eggshells." Oh, really?
Got off the phone and ran to toilet or I'd have had an accident. Laughed til I cried.
My new neighbour must think she lives next door to a real wacko. Honestly, he had no more than 2 weeks at most off eggshell walking, whilst he's had me doing it for 18 years.
Thank God for a sense of humour, even if it is a bit weird at times.
Thanks to you DeVon, and B, and I will pace myself and if I am getting frazzled will stop and give myself a treat and break for a while.
God bless
I get up and at it early because it has been 23deg overnight and starts getting HOT from 7am. I am talking 30 - 33deg and humidity can be 80%. One benefit is exercise carting gear room to room, and sweating like you wouldn't believe. I drink 4 litres at least a day. If I don't lose weight by the time I am done I will SCREAM.
My friend flew to Tasmania, organised a memorial service for her son, then flew 3000 kms back home for the weekend. Was at Mass on Sunday and actually did the 1st reading as she was rostered to. How she managed it, I and others there do not know. She stayed dry eyed whilst some of us had tears and Father was as bad as us. She has such a strong faith and certainly is an inspiration to me. Monday she flew 1000kms for the funeral and internment today. One service would flatten most grieving people, two would be sheer hell for anyone.
I found out today that a new medication had adverse affects with my AD's, hence my stroppy and explosive mood for the past 2 weeks. They got dumped fast, so hopefully I will be much calmer and happier very soon.
Told abf this, and his comment should have anyone involved with addictive people just about hysterical with laughter. He said "good, you'll be back to normal again. It's been murder being around you, like walking on eggshells." Oh, really?
Got off the phone and ran to toilet or I'd have had an accident. Laughed til I cried.
My new neighbour must think she lives next door to a real wacko. Honestly, he had no more than 2 weeks at most off eggshell walking, whilst he's had me doing it for 18 years.
Thank God for a sense of humour, even if it is a bit weird at times.
Thanks to you DeVon, and B, and I will pace myself and if I am getting frazzled will stop and give myself a treat and break for a while.
God bless
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
He said "good, you'll be back to normal again. It's been murder being around you, like walking on eggshells." Oh, really? Got off the phone and ran to toilet or I'd have had an accident. Laughed til I cried.
Look...you are laughing!! Good for you. A sense of humor is great. Just came back form visiting family and they commented on how great it was to see me really laughing and have a good time again. I am getting healthier and so are you. I like to watch comedies to get me laughing. Atleast, with all we experience living through this, we get moments of comedy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Thanks for checking on me Freedom, and I have paced myself today. I didn't know how many clothes I had until I cleared my robes and sorted them into specific piles. Even found stuff from when I was size 16, that was more than 5 years ago. (((Smack hand))) I got those items in the Salvos bag quick smart, along with a few others that do not suit me.
Daughter brought round about 20 cartons for me to fill up, HOO BOY!!!
Had a bit of quiet time and then to abf's for a lovely dinner.
Am now on site for a quick visit, then feet up to watch an Agatha Christie movie on tv, a "cool" shower and bed after that.
Must add that yesterday I drove the 25 miles to see my grandchildren and enjoyed the time in the pool with them. There was no repeat of the car problem from abf and in fact, he had checked oil, water and tyre pressure for me before I went. Bless him.
Still feel a bit upset at the housing problems ahead of me, but just have to accept that is beyond my control and leave it to God.
God bless
Daughter brought round about 20 cartons for me to fill up, HOO BOY!!!
Had a bit of quiet time and then to abf's for a lovely dinner.
Am now on site for a quick visit, then feet up to watch an Agatha Christie movie on tv, a "cool" shower and bed after that.
Must add that yesterday I drove the 25 miles to see my grandchildren and enjoyed the time in the pool with them. There was no repeat of the car problem from abf and in fact, he had checked oil, water and tyre pressure for me before I went. Bless him.
Still feel a bit upset at the housing problems ahead of me, but just have to accept that is beyond my control and leave it to God.
God bless
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