ToughChoices

For me, early recovery has been a wild ride, a swing from one extreme to another. I cared too much, then too little, loved too much, then not at all. I involved myself in every aspect of my alcoholic's business, then, abruptly refused any participation in his life.

I think the pendulum has been slowly coming to rest somewhere in the center.
I don't want to be rash, though my impulses can still be.

I'm feeling particularly thoughtful lately.
When I moved out (Labor Day) - I planned to take advantage of the separation to assess my marriage and determine if divorce was in my best interest.
This isn't a pressing, immediate issue - everyone is getting along well, my child is safe and well-cared for, AH and I are communicating well, and I'm even having some fun! I love my little house, I cherish my privacy, and I am happy with my situation today.
But I don't want to stay here forever.
I miss regular physical intimacy. I miss having a partner who can, reliably, provide some emotional support for me.

AH is still drinking (though I never see it). He knows that I will not live with him while he drinks, and though he says that he wants me to come home, he continues to engage in the behaviors that are keeping me at bay.

I am not angry about this. I didn't move out to get him to quit. I understand the disparity between an alcoholic's words and actions, and I am keeping a careful, open eye on actions.
I have absolutely no desire to live with him if he continues to drink.
I will not do it.

Despite his words to the contrary, he is in no hurry to make any changes.

I guess I'm wondering if I am attempting to control him by giving him a "head's up!" timeframe kind of warning.

Like, "I love you, but I can't put my life on hold forever waiting to see if you'll make decisions that are compatible with a life with me. I know you want to quit drinking, and I know you can do it. But, if you can't do it soon, I need to move on. I will file for divorce in May."

I am prepared for this declaration to have little/no effect on his alcohol consumption, but I feel the need to let him know. So that, in the off chance that he's really just been cooling his heels, thinking that everything's hunky-dory, he'll know that I'm serious about divorce - serious about living my life the way I see fit, not just waiting around for him to figure things out.

When I had this realization, my instinct was to just blurt it out right then. Have some big emotional scene.

But I held back. I'd like some input on this situation before I make any announcements.

Any thoughts?

Thanks everyone!
-TC

denny57

I think it's great that you held back from blurting it out. I always wanted to do that - say it right then and there.

What I did was say this is it, I'm done. What would be the motivation behind saying May?

ToughChoices

The lease on the house that I am renting is up for renewal in May, and I will be finished with the didactic portion of my school work in May (only practicum rotations remaining).

It just seems like a logical, "transition time" - and, frankly, I'm not ready to say "DONE" right now. I just know that I will be.

-TC

denny57

I understand. I think today I would just keep the status quo until May and watch carefully. I tried the other for years, so I really do get where you're coming from.

I went through a little travel journal I kept when a group of us went to Amsterdam for the millennium celebration. xAH spent the time in bars or the houseboat drinking, didn't even come out with all of us for dinner on New Year's eve. I was 42 years old at the time. In the journal I wrote "if not by 45, then definitely by 50 - divorced." I separated at 48 and my divorce was final at 51. So it took me 8 years. Believe me, I understand. ((( )))

ToughChoices

He knew that I was signing a lease for 9 months. We didn't specifically speak about what would happen at the end of that time, though we've talked about it some since.

He's asked me, on several occasions, what needs to happen in order for me to be willing to move back in.
I've told him: Your sobriety for a period of at least 6 months is necessary (though not sufficient) for me to commit to living with you.

If he was sober for say, 3 months, when May rolls around, I wouldn't move back in, but I wouldn't necessarily file for divorce, either.

After typing this, I'm realizing just how much he does know.
I haven't been sneaky about my intentions.
He knows.
He's just not doing.

Well..... at least it doesn't break my heart anymore!

-TC

ToughChoices

Yeah. We're separate in many ways - connected in many others.

I have my own house, my own finances, my own lawyer.

We decorated the Christmas tree together, have Family Movie Night with the kiddo on Fridays, and he bought me tickets for the ballet for our anniversary next week.

My life with him is lovely in many ways, but it's still largely restricted by his need to drink. I feel that restriction - the way it edges me out.

That's the way it is with alcoholism, and it's not what I want forever.

Divorce would mean that I was free to love him as my son's father, as a good friend and a good man. But not as a romantic partner. It would mean that I was free to explore (in good time) the possibility of another partner - one whose day to day choices aren't at odds with my own.

-TC

loner1968

It seems to me, and this is JMHO, that he is living the best of both worlds. there hasn't really been any reason for him to stop drinking.

He has you and he has his alcohol. From what you say it's not enough for you to have him part time and I don't blame you one bit. He seems fine with the whole set-up. You don't.

I wish I could say something more positive to you but I think you deserve to have a full time husband. I'm not sure any kind of time limit would matter to him. I've never been married and I don't have kids. My choice...I just have never been in your shoes. I hope everything works out for you because you seem like a very strong and intelligent woman.

GiveLove

TC, wish I had some new advice, wisdom or insight to share.

I knew that my life would be so much warmer and more fulfilling if I ever found a new partner whose day to day choices more closely matched my own, as you so aptly put it. I didn't need it by any stretch of the imagination, but I wanted it. I knew that as long as there was murkiness between me and XA on the status of our relationship, my integrity would prevent me from finding this person, even if I tripped right over him

But I also knew that anything I gave my XA in terms of a timeline would run the risk of initiating a surgical-strike effort at sobriety just to keep me, a last-ditch effort that would simply set me up for another round of nightmares. That may not be your husband's m.o., but it was my X's.

I too wanted to blurt it out, give him a chance. And I too came to the realization that I'd already been pretty darned clear about what my needs were, and anything I said would only produce artificial results.

Doesn't make it any easier though. Hugs to you, friend. Hoping that a vision of your healthiest road appears to you. I know it will when it's time (this from someone who is NOT a good wait-er).

GrowingPains

Funny -- we're on the same time frame and I went through the very same thing. I started talking about divorce a month or so ago. I wasn't ready to file, but I was beginning to come to the conclusion that I would at some point and felt it was only fair to discuss it with him. Like you and your AH, we are cordial and spent some time together. I feel like the conversations we had softened the blow of when I finally was ready, which was last week.

I was told I would just "know" at some point by others who'd walked this path. They were right.

coyote21

I like the way you stopped your "old" behavior by not blurting it out, leading to a big emotional scene. You held back. I think that's good.

I think maybe that's the three A's working for you. You had your Acknowledgement, now is time for your Acceptance, then perhaps your Action?

I dunno, you are light years ahead of me, just wanted to comment on the holding back thing. Good luck.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

FormerDoormat

Life with my boyfriend was lovely in many ways after I asked him to move out. That's because I felt in control of the situation. I could enjoy his company when he had periods of sobriety (he was a dear man when he wasn't drunk) and I could ignore him when his drinking was out of control.

But eventually I realized that I was short changing myself and short changing him as well. As long as we continued in a semi-attached state, neither one of us was free to move on to a more fulfilling and stable relationship.

Today, I want to live a full life--not one that's half full.

inahaze

Timeframe's don't work, I'm an expert on this matter.

Every split up we've had goes back to his drinking. Don't ask me why I always come back, for the love of God I don't know.

We split up once and he hadn't drank in probably a year or so, right after the split he started drinking, popping pills and had a girlfriend within 3 days(I know because he told me so).

Another split, he told me he wasn't drinking anymore, that it was done and over. Three months later I came back only to find out that he'd been drinking while I was gone. It was an attempt to show me that he could handle his alcohol.

Split another time because of drinking.

Said I was going to splt another time because of his past drinking, but I was torn on the issue. He decided to start drinking more and going to the bars a couple of times a week. I still stayed though.

I've given time frames before in my splits and during the time that I've been w/ him, they just don't work long term.

coyote21

Oops, I think that's Awareness....tried to edit, too late. Oh well, you know what I mean!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

justaboutus

Glad I logged in tonight...

I too was thinking about talking to AH and giving him one last ultimatum (probably the 3432 "last chance") but stopped myself because... just how many times were we going to have this conversation anyway... He's being all nice now and thinks he's doing SO GOOD, and I want to tell him... ok, scream at him that he's not even meeting the BARE MINIMUM.

This is all mind games and manipulation.

Why oh why do I want to keep getting on the merry go round when all it does is make me sick.

ToughChoices

That well may be.
I actually think the arrangement prior to my moving out was preferable to him: I cooked dinner every night, cleaned the house, performed childcare responsibilities, slept with him, kept him company, etc.... and he drank when he wanted to.
Now I see him twice a week - I don't cook, clean, or take care of his business.......and he drinks when he wants to.

Hmmmmm. Is there a pattern here?

My moving out was really not an attempt to convince him to stop.
My decision to divorce will not be an attempt to convince him to stop.

He's an adult in charge of his own life, and he's perfectly capable of deciding whether or not he'd like to drink. He's had personal, work, legal, and medical consequences aplenty, but alcohol is still a risk that he's willing to take.

He is a good man, and I love him.
I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy too. It's just starting to look like those two scenarios aren't going to be happening as "man and wife."

I'm in love with my life, and sometimes I think, "What would it be like to build a life with someone who is also in love with theirs?"

Different. In a good way.

denny57

I'd like to add to my last post. Now I understand what was happening to me was that the longer I stayed the more I lessened my hopes and desires for my own life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and as xAH got sicker, I followed him. What I would never have accepted as normal came to seem perfectly normal to me.

Also, today I feel (and look) 10 years younger than I did during my last 2 years with xAH.

P.S. TC - I like your new avatar; I'm a Schiele fan.

freeflower

Tough choices can I just say all of your posts are so well thought out and you really seem like a wise lady. Your insight is so inspiring. Are you sure your not a writer? You should be, your posts just touch me.
thanks brenda

ToughChoices

Thanks, denny. There aren't many "avatar-friendly" Schiele pieces out there!

Also, to add to your addition....
I don't want to get sicker. I'm fighting to get better.
The resurrection of my hopes and dreams surprised me - thanks for the reminder to hold onto 'em. They'll keep me on the road to health.

-TC

ToughChoices

I'm grinning really big right now, brenda! Thanks for the kind words.

My undergraduate degree is in English literature - I don't work in the field now, but I love to read and write. I appreciate the compliment.

-TC

LaTeeDa

Just a thought. Check your motivation. When I gave my husband a timeframe, it was for me, not him. I was buying time to make sure that I really wanted to do it. (divorce) It turns out that he did get sober within my time frame, but I still wanted the divorce. I gave myself some time to work through my issues and check my own reality. The purpose of telling him my timeframe was to put some space between us so I could think, not to get him to sober up. When the six months was up, and he was sober, we did what you are doing now. Spent time together, worked on reconciliation. It didn't work. But, I was more confident with my decision because I had allowed myself the time to work through it.

So, that is my very wordy way of saying--check your motivation. Do you want time to figure out the right thing to do? Or do you want to give him a "deadline" for getting sober? If it turns out to be the latter, I doubt it will work. If it is the former, it could be a healthy way to get some space for yourself. Only you know the answer.

L