ToughChoices

AH and I, we've got some good stuff. There's a part of me that would like to keep that stuff. There's a part of me that would like very much for him to decide to find sobriety soon, so that we could continue to love each other and make a life together.

But I just don't think that's likely to happen.

He could probably pull together some attempt at sobriety if he thought it would save the day. That's not going to do either of us any good (though his liver could probably use the break!).

So, I think the timeframe is more about giving myself a "finish line" - so I don't get stealthily sucked into a semi-permanent version of my current arrangement. I don't want to fall into the "my life is sometimes fun and not nearly so sad as it used to be" trap and just stay put. Against my better judgment.

I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now.
The conversation will probably arise very naturally at some point in the future, and I will be prepared for it.

GiveLove

As we hear the beautiful silvery clink-clatter-clink of all of these new tools & viewpoints dropping into TC's toolbox. You are indeed a wise woman.

LaTeeDa

I hear ya. We had some really good stuff, too. Two kids together that we both love more than life itself, for example. A lot in common, too. (Much as that pains me to admit, lol.)

In the end, the good stuff wasn't enough for me. The bad stuff outweighed it. It was really hard to give up the good stuff, though. Doing the right thing is rarely easy. My 16yo daughter told me tonight that she thinks I did the right thing getting a divorce--and she loves her dad. My kids help me every day to see how life is a complicated, emotional, troubling, beautiful, amazing, messy, wonderous journey.

Take your time. There is no rush to do what's right. It's not so much where you go, but how you get there that matters.

L

Pajarito

Anvilhead- I love your posts. . .

TC- I feel for you- but I also admire your ability to see things clearly. I'm also a little sad. You seem to have a decent relationship with your AH despite all you've been through. I wish I could say that about my situation. Today I am struggling with how "apart" STBXAH and I really are. I feel like I need to protect myself right now emotionally, so I avoid talking to him, and I can barely look at him. (He brought 2 other women into our marriage- that seems to be harder for me to accept than the alcohol.) It's something I need to work on- letting go of resentments. . . for the sake of dd. I put on a good face for her, but inside my heart feels broken.

Anyway- to address what you are doing- I say take all the time you need. I have, and I don't regret it. I've tried to figure a lot of things out so that I could feel equipped to make the right choices for me. In the year and a half we have been separated I have discovered a lot about myself- the big one being I can't settle for "ok" anymore. It's sad, but each day brings more understanding and acceptance. I'm trying to simply let it be. Peace. . .

Ago

TC, I can't even convey how awed I am by your recovery, slow down dammit, you are going to make us all look bad, we are watching our own little "Yoda" evolve right before our very eyes.

I have so much I want to say....but....

you are doing exactly what is right for you, Time frame or no time frame....

When I listen to "shares" I listen for someone who "has what I want" whether or not they are in a relationship or not, and you have that.

The reverse is also true by the way, something I noticed is a lot of time when people give me "advice" or "opinion" or tell me what I "should do" especially about a relationship they usually don't have a successful one of their own, and most times have never had a healthy relationship, so that factors into my decision making process into who to listen to, I don't care how wise something sounds, IMO if it isn't based on personal experience, it's BS, I find someone who has what I want, then I go where they go, and do what they do and find out how they got what they have.

Personally I think you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and your relationship with this man who is the father of your children is exactly correct, and if he makes the changes necessary to win you back you are in a position to make that transition, and if he doesn't, you have a template to have a loving relationship with him as the father of your children.

So, I'll just say, keep doing whatever it is you are doing, because it's working.

ToughChoices

It's been a long road, Paj. There've definitely been times when I needed to withdraw and protect myself emotionally from my husband.
In some ways feeling more "apart" at this stage would make the divorce process easier (not less painful, but less "up for debate") for me to follow through with.

Perhaps this is the best emotion for you at this moment. Perhaps you are feeling just what you should be feeling.

Have a great day, Paj. Enjoy your therapy session and keep your chin up!

-TC

ToughChoices

Ago -
I am so happy that you are here and sharing.

I feel a great deal of instant empathy and compassion for those who post here. They're hurting, scared - they don't know where to turn. I just want to reach out and hug everybody, to tell them that it's all going to be alright. That they deserve to be at peace.
I felt the same way about you.
Then I found out that you were an alcoholic.

What!

Here you were - a hurting, scared, lovely person - full of hopes and fears and efforts. And you were an alcoholic.

Your stories about early sobriety and the relationship that you were in at the time really gave me a LOT of food for thought.
One can be a good man and an alcoholic. A kind spirit and a selfish confused a-hole (not you, of course, Ago )

My husband is just a man. Good, bad, and ugly.

You've been so helpful in showing me that truth. It's a truth that helps me find compassion, not only for my A, but for myself, as well.

Thanks.
-TC

Pajarito

The session was great- as always. I do feel bad about being emotionally withdrawn, but decided it's what I need to do right now. I am sure it will change over time. STBXAH has been verbally and emotionally abusive. It would be different if he was not "attacking" me. So- I'm ok with what I'm doing.

I do agree that feeling more apart is making the divorce easier- if you can ever call a divorce easy. I've often been appalled that STBXAH has not shown sadness, remorse, fear, or any of the emotions you would think a person mourning over the end of an 18 year relationship would feel. Instead he's skipped right into the arms of the 2nd woman he brought into our marriage. If he was emotional with me I am sure I would be even more confused than I am now. In a way, his blase attitude has actually helped push me along on my path. I'm beginning to feel more grateful about where I am, because I know I'm doing the hard work I need to in order to be healthy. And I could never have done that with him.

I agree with those that posted that there doesn't have to be a time frame. Somehow I believe you'll just know what you need to do when it's time to do it. Take care. . .

ToughChoices

An update:

I suppose the planets were in alignment.
Today AH asked me (again) about moving back in.

I just told him that I would be signing another lease at the end of May - that regardless of what happens between now and then, because of his current alcohol dependence I would not feel comfortable living with him at that time.

I didn't mention divorce, but I did say that living separately from my partner was not in my long-term plan. Though separation works for me today - it will not be the answer forever. He was very quiet, but he didn't seem upset.

I feel at peace with the conversation. It was not weepy or angry, just honest, and I now have a firmer sense of having "warned" him that our current arrangement can not be expected to meet my needs into perpetuity. I feel free to make the decisions necessary to take me where I want to be, when I want to get there.

Thanks for all the insight!
-TC

Ago

I'm so very very proud of you

our lil Gandhi Girl

so proud