Need Advice/Help Understanding

Old 12-14-2008, 02:54 PM
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Need Advice/Help Understanding

I need elp understanding why the A (recoverery 4 years) in my life still has to blame everything on me. And still treats me and the kids like crap. I would love to leave him but financially I can't. (Even though hes out of work now too.)

Today is a prime example. We decided yesterday to go today for the christmas tree with the kids (4 kids - 16, 14, 12, & 8). When he got up this morning or should I say this afternoon he acted like we weren't going. And even said so. Then when I told the kids we weren't going today he decided to take his shower and asked why we all were't ready yet. When we got out to the car he started yelling at me because I didn't fill the tire on the car. (He started to on friday night but claims he didn't. That it is now my job. Not his because he doesn't drive.)

We finally got to the tree farm and with him asking me what was wrong. Like he didn't know? I chose to ignore him. At the tree farm I of course picked the wrong way to go - cause he knows best. Then I picked the wrong tree of course. After cutting down the dreaded tree and paying for it I asked if we going in the barn for hot chocolate (we do this every year the kids expect it). He informs us he has to get back home to go work at the neighbors house. Like we were supposed to know he had to work.

Now the tree is still on the roof of the car, he's next door working and the kids have so much tension built up they are taking it out on each other.

Sorry this is so long. And probably makes no sense. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there I feel a little better typing this out.
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Old 12-14-2008, 02:59 PM
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Are either of you "actively" attending meetings--AA for him...possibly Alanon for you (if you want to go)..that is? If he isn't going to meetings--he sounds like what is referred to as a dry drunk...meaning he still has the same behaviors as a drinking alcoholic except there is no alcohol present. Sending hugs to you...
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Old 12-14-2008, 03:05 PM
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Why does bringing the tree in the house have to include him? Can't you and your two teens handle the job without him? He needn't spoil your tree-trimming festivities.

You say you want to leave him and I can certainly understand that. What steps are you taking to position yourself to be able to do that? I found it more productive to focus on actions I could take to improve my circumstances than on what my ex alcoholic boyfriend was doing or not doing. Focusing on him just kept me stuck in a miserable situation.

Why not whip up a batch of hot chocolate for you and the kids and continue your plans without him?
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Old 12-14-2008, 03:12 PM
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Angel, This is the MO of us(ie:me) alcoholics. Nothing is my fault, I am right and everyone else is wrong, and you should know better! I am going through withdrawel and irritable, irrational and miserable. I hate myself but will take it out on everyone around me. I want to feel better so I will make those around me miserable so I dont feel so bad.
I agree with Angelina, you and your children should consider Alanon. If you are finding it difficult as an adult then the children are haveing a more difficult time. The kids could be blaming themselves for what is goin on. If your spouse will not get help it doesnot mean that you should not. In Alanon you will recieve the support of others that have been where you are. Do it for yourself and your kids. You are the first priority, if you are not able to cope you cannot help your kids. God Bless and the best of what you deserve. LOL
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Old 12-14-2008, 05:06 PM
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Some good reading for you: The Dry Drunk Syndrome

Grandiose Behavior is a common trait of the “Dry Drunk”. Grandiosity most often manifests itself through lack of insight and pomposity (pompous) in personal behavior. The person. undergoing a “dry drunk” may exaggerate his own importance at the expense of others. He/she might overestimate their abilities, intelligence and judgment; or live beyond his/her means. In any case, their behavior is markedly unrealistic, and depending on circumstances, it can range from ridiculous to cruel. By referring everything in his/her self, the addict seems to be unaware of the needs and feelings of other people.

A Rigidly Judgemental outlook seems to accompany his/her grandiose behavior. “Judgmental” means that the addict is prone to make value judgments strikingly in appropriate evaluations usually in terms of “goodness” and “badness “. Since he/she is inclined to judge themselves rather harshly in regard to his/her drugging behavior, it is not unusual for others to detect in them deep feelings of personal unworthiness, but they can superficially disguise these feelings by submitting their family, relatives, friends, business associates, and employer to the same rigid system of evaluation that he/she s applying to his/her self. They justifiably feel that they are the least acceptable of critics. This alone is proof enough that their attitude is basically unrealistic, whether or not their judgment reflects some degree of truth.

Tense Impatience describes the addict’s reaction to others, or to life itself. Although this reaction is unrealistic, it relates to his/her desire for immediate satisfaction of their demands. Typically the addict seeks immediate reward for his/her efforts, and immediate release from stress and/or strain. If the sought-after satisfaction is not quickly forthcoming, they reacts by becoming indignant and/or depressed.

Childish Behaviors and attitudes characterize the addict who has shown signs of being impatient, grandiose and/or judgmental. He/she is a child in many respects. They are easily bored, distracted and./or disorganized. They constantly jeopardizes their long-range succes~es by their changing feelings from moment to moment. At any time he/she is likely to pick up their marbles and go home. He/she might be unable to appreciate the aspects of life that mature people enjoy, such as reading, conversation or movies. Their enthusiasm is often juvenile and short-lived. They seem to be constantly dissatisfied with their life.
My AH is one, and I found it unbearable to live with.
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Old 12-14-2008, 07:17 PM
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forget about trying to understand why he acts like he does. it wore me out and down.

now, i would have jumped in the car and went with the kids and had a goood time. let him do his thing all by himself.
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Old 12-14-2008, 08:39 PM
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It is a common tactic of alcoholics to point the finger of blame everywhere except at themselves. Ridiculously common, in fact.

You have the right to build your own life free of this kind of abuse. Your children have the right to a healthy family life, so they don't model your husband's behavior when THEY have families (which, unfortunately, many kids do) He treats you this way because you accept it.

Consider finding an Al-Anon group near you, or maybe even some personal counseling, to help find your way through this to a healthier life for you & your kids. That was a way that I started to create a plan to gain personal power and control over my own life. Good luck, and keep the faith. You can have a better life if you're willing to put the energy and creativity into creating it -- I did, and I'm no superwoman

Strength and hugs
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