dazednconfuzed

Today I had a meltdown like no other. I couldn't even believe how negative and mean my thoughts have become. I screamed that I hated everyone (which I don't) and blamed everyone for the circumstances I am in. I did this in front of the A, since he's been doing it to me for years and somehow I needed to release the hate that I've come to feel, back at him. I yelled mean and hateful things about the people who have come to take advantage of me over the years, in my weakened and unhealthy state.

Since I met him 13 years ago, my life has gone completely downhill. I lost all boundaries. I have nothing to measure good and bad with. I feel as though I have nothing to lose anymore (which isn't true) but that feeling is really like hitting a bottom of sorts. I fall and hurt myself all the time, but I'm always in pain so nothing really hurts more than the usual. Can anyone relate to that feeling that it doesn't really matter if you hurt yourself?

I believe that I must join Al-Anon and cannot put it off any longer. Does it REALLY help everyone? I'm just so low that I don't know if it's worth scraping myself off the floor to go. I want to believe in something, but at this point I don't even care about Christmas and I NEVER thought I'd feel that bad.

I still can't believe that someone else's alcoholism has destroyed me that much. I just feel so sick and drained ...

embraced2000

hi dazed

yes, someone elses alcoholism can destroy someone else. it beat me down to a unrecognizable blob of human dna on the floor.

al-anon helped me, so did this forum.

how sad i feel that i let my own decisions and choices keep me in an abusive, humiliating, hurtful relationship. i eventually became so sick that i tried to take my own life.

please don't let this happen to you. you have choices. you do not have to live with this. there is beauty, joy, happiness, and bliss on the other side of this hell.

run, run, run to your al-anon. and keep going back.

much love your way
jeri

Bernadette

I was in so much pain when I finally dragged myself into those first AlAnon meetings - I didn't question it anymore - I couldn;t be bothered wondering if it worked for other people or could it work for me! I just FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS. I just kept going and followed the program. And there is for me total truth in the saying "It works if you work it." I listened, I humbled myself I admitted that my best practices and behavior had landed me in a world of hurt and I kept an open mind and tried the stuff that was suggested.

You sound like you're finally sick and tired of being sick and tired! Give AlAnon a try - they say go to 6 meetings before you really decide if it is right for you. I didn't even allow myself that "out" I told myself "B you are doing this and you need to just shut that voice in your brain off that thinks she knows better!"

Good luck-- things got so much better for me after a couple months even of AlAnon.
Peace & Courage-
B.

prairiegirl

Hi Dazzednconfuzed. I had to smile when you said you don't know if it's worth scraping yourself off the floor, not because I thought it was funny but you used the words to describe exactly how I'd been feeling in my relationship of the same length as yours. I did go to Alanon for short periods of time while I was with the A and it did help very much but I kept rationalizing why I should have to go to meetings - it wasn't me that had the problem, it was him.

Like you, I got so resentful and angry I could barely stand myself. Living with the A as long as I did caused me to completely lose myself. We've gone apart now and the good news is I am healing and becoming more myself every day. But for some reason I've been saying I'm going to go to Alanon, but not quite making it out the door. This is the first Christmas without him and I'm still recovering from that sense of being completely drained so I can relate completely to your not caring at all about Christmas or anything else for that matter. I know that Alanon did help me in the past and I know that's where I need to be but for whatever reason I've been resisting.

The other night he called for the first time in 3 months and just that one conversation had me on the floor again. I couldn't believe it. But you know what? It made me realize that I do need those Alanon meetings; I need support through this and that's the place to get it.

I'll make an agreement with you......if you go, I'll go. I know we'll both benefit, especially before Christmas.

dazednconfuzed

I think I really hit bottom with that meltdown. I thought and said every negative thought I could think of and realized that this isn't who I am. This is who I've become through living with the depression and negativity that alcohol brings. I do know the difference and didn't realize it until I woke up this morning.

I'm ready for Al-Anon and I'm ready for healthy thoughts and feelings to come back into my life.

Prairiegirl - I too had thought for a LONG time that I shouldn't need to get help when it was HIS problem, but I've since realized that it's MY problem now too. Although I don't drink a drop myself, I mirror the alcoholic now. I may as well be one myself. I have the hangovers from dealing with the raging and disproportionate thinking from the night before. When I'm supposed to be relaxing and winding down in the evening - the A gets me all wound up so I either don't sleep well or don't get to sleep until well after he's passed out and well after midnight (eventually I ended up in such pain that I'm now on disability).

I have been diagnosed with FM and have come to learn that many things can cause it and stress is definitely one of them. Once you have it, you develop a myriad of symptoms that may not relate to the actual stressor which caused it, but the pain is very real and getting healthy again requires physical, emotional and spiritual attention. When you're focussing on the antics of a needy 6 year old making demands and having tantrums every single night, it is impossible to pay attention to your own needs and eventually you suffer.

With whatever strength I do have, I want to get healthy again and will make that promise to you that I WILL go to Al-Anon and start helping myself again. Thanks Praire - and thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my post and encourage me to head there. I'M GOING!!!

FormerDoormat

No, it doesn't help everyone--just people who are open to being helped. When I was ready to receive help, I no longer needed to ask people if Alanon was helpful. I just mustered up the courage, found a meeting in my area, drove to the location, opened the door, and took a seat.

Sometimes simple acts yield life-changing results.

coyote21

My higher power made me go, a CPS judge. That was almost 3 years ago and I'm still going, axw's been gone almost 2 years, and I'm still going.

I don't think that judge cares if I go or not now. I go for me, it is a blueprint for being the kind of man I've always wanted to be. I'm slowly becoming a good man for myself and my daughter. I owe it to Alanon. Life is GOOD.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

coyote21

YES!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

brundle

Wow... Lots of us are exactly where you are! There are lots of days that I tell myself to keep on keeping on and days that I tell myself to "get out of that bed and get a shower!"

I really believe in Al-anon and the SR (also believe that connection with HP). It really does help. It takes work like all good things...

Hugs

Cynay

Wow... it has been awhile but I always find it so amazing that when I come here and listen ... I remember exactually where I came from and why I need the program in my life.

I know this sounds wrong, but trust me when I say that I pray you really have hit your bottom and you are in enough pain to reach out for help.... that is where I had to be before I was wiling to change my life. One thing I wanted to mention... when you get to Al-anon, read the promises.... hold on them, when you feel low re-read them, when your head is going to explode trying to change the person you have become into the person you want to be then sleep with them.... My higher power, I call God and he does provide... he provided me with the promises to hang on too and a program to help me get there.

I wish for you only the pain to get you there and the courage it takes to take control of your life. But I can promise you, It is so worth it.... and the promises can come true.