Difficult time of year.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Difficult time of year.....
I haven't checked in for quite a while. I'm not even sure if some of the folks I used to know are still around here.
My son is the A in my life. He has his ups and downs. He's sober for a while then he's not. When he's not, his attitude goes to heck.
My Dad was killed in a small aircraft accident on September 6th. I've been fighting depression since that time. I was very very close to him and talked with him almost everyday (we were also business partners).
The day after my Dad died, my A son called and started doing his quacking. I told him that I just couldn't talk to him if he was going to behave that way and I ended the phone call. I was just in too much pain to deal with him.
The memorial service was small and quiet....just family.....and held at my Mom's house. Of course, my son didn't show up when he was suppose to so I called him....and woke him up. We proceeded with the service and my son walked in late by about 15 minutes looking like something the cat dragged in.
I didn't let him bother me. I was numb from the shock of the accident and the loss of one of the people dearest to me.
Fast forward to today....... I get a call from my A son. He got laid off and had a fight with his girlfriend and he started going into the "life isn't worth it" routine. I realized that I needed to revisit my friends here at SR and work on my loving detachment. I've let my guard down and haven't been reading my daily readings so I need a good dose of the good sense that I get here.
gentle hugs
My son is the A in my life. He has his ups and downs. He's sober for a while then he's not. When he's not, his attitude goes to heck.
My Dad was killed in a small aircraft accident on September 6th. I've been fighting depression since that time. I was very very close to him and talked with him almost everyday (we were also business partners).
The day after my Dad died, my A son called and started doing his quacking. I told him that I just couldn't talk to him if he was going to behave that way and I ended the phone call. I was just in too much pain to deal with him.
The memorial service was small and quiet....just family.....and held at my Mom's house. Of course, my son didn't show up when he was suppose to so I called him....and woke him up. We proceeded with the service and my son walked in late by about 15 minutes looking like something the cat dragged in.
I didn't let him bother me. I was numb from the shock of the accident and the loss of one of the people dearest to me.
Fast forward to today....... I get a call from my A son. He got laid off and had a fight with his girlfriend and he started going into the "life isn't worth it" routine. I realized that I needed to revisit my friends here at SR and work on my loving detachment. I've let my guard down and haven't been reading my daily readings so I need a good dose of the good sense that I get here.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I'm sorry for your loss but glad to see you are back. I remember you!
I guess there is something about the holidays that makes me sad too. I think its because we are fed the whole idea of how it's a time for families to be together and all that. When you have A's in your family it doesn't matter what time of year it is its still hard. You are missing your dad and that's hard.
I don't have kids so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to detach from your son but you can do it and you have to do it for both of you. For you to have some peace and for him to get the point that he can't act like this anymore.
Just remember everything you have learned and try not to let his antics hurt you. I look at it like this: A's don't really care who they hurt so I try not to take it so personal anymore.
You should stick around here again. I know some of your posts have helped me in the past. Maybe we can all help each other through the holiday stress.
I guess there is something about the holidays that makes me sad too. I think its because we are fed the whole idea of how it's a time for families to be together and all that. When you have A's in your family it doesn't matter what time of year it is its still hard. You are missing your dad and that's hard.
I don't have kids so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to detach from your son but you can do it and you have to do it for both of you. For you to have some peace and for him to get the point that he can't act like this anymore.
Just remember everything you have learned and try not to let his antics hurt you. I look at it like this: A's don't really care who they hurt so I try not to take it so personal anymore.
You should stick around here again. I know some of your posts have helped me in the past. Maybe we can all help each other through the holiday stress.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. I do remember you, and was glad to see your screen name.
I'm also sorry for the way you're son is behaving, but I'm glad you've come back here. I have found that my SR friends have gotten me through every dificult situation that's come up.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm also sorry for the way you're son is behaving, but I'm glad you've come back here. I have found that my SR friends have gotten me through every dificult situation that's come up.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Kindeyes, I could not forget you and I'm so glad you're back with us.
You know what you have to do, it sounds like, so I'll just say that if there's anything I can do to help you find your loving detachment again, just say the word.
Hugs and more hugs
GL
You know what you have to do, it sounds like, so I'll just say that if there's anything I can do to help you find your loving detachment again, just say the word.
Hugs and more hugs
GL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
welcome back home, kindeyes!
i'm sorry for your loss of your dear father.
you are right where you need to be....with us.
you sound as if you know what to do with your son's behaviors, and i understand how hard it must be during your time of grievement and the holidays.
keep posting, ok?
much love coming your way
jeri
i'm sorry for your loss of your dear father.
you are right where you need to be....with us.
you sound as if you know what to do with your son's behaviors, and i understand how hard it must be during your time of grievement and the holidays.
keep posting, ok?
much love coming your way
jeri
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Welcome back, kindeyes!
I to am very sorry for your loss of your father. Losing someone specially close like your dad is so heart breaking. I really feel for you, because in 2 days time it will be my dad's anniversary, and tho it is 32 years since he died I often still miss him so much.
Having your son's behavior intruding on your grieving is hard, but how quick you were to realise that you needed to get yourself back on track with detachment and begin here again for the love and support you need right now.
God bless
I to am very sorry for your loss of your father. Losing someone specially close like your dad is so heart breaking. I really feel for you, because in 2 days time it will be my dad's anniversary, and tho it is 32 years since he died I often still miss him so much.
Having your son's behavior intruding on your grieving is hard, but how quick you were to realise that you needed to get yourself back on track with detachment and begin here again for the love and support you need right now.
God bless
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((( kindeyes)))
Welcome back! I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I'm glad you had other supportive around you to help you thru the grief and loss... unfortunately, if your son is still active in his addiction he has nothing to give anyone else right now.
At least you knew what to do and where to go! I knew I was getting better when I realized I needed help and that I needed to get my butt back to a meeting or here to SR.
More hugs
Cats
Welcome back! I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I'm glad you had other supportive around you to help you thru the grief and loss... unfortunately, if your son is still active in his addiction he has nothing to give anyone else right now.
At least you knew what to do and where to go! I knew I was getting better when I realized I needed help and that I needed to get my butt back to a meeting or here to SR.
More hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My mom passed not to long ago but I was with her and we knew for awhile that it was coming. Still doesn't make it easy but to unexpectadly loose someone is the worst. My father went bowling, suffered a heart attack and died. So hard. Grief is a funny thing you know, when my mom passed, I decided right then, in my heart anyways that I was going to change my life and detach from all the drunkin stuff and I did, it took me about 8 months to really move on it but now I sit back and wonder if my mom wouldn't have left me, if I could have gotton to this point. I mean, I am really detached. I have lot of work, really legal stuff, that I need to deal with and I could care less. I'm probably doing my future harm by sitting back and not caring what my ah is doing or spending or whatever but because of my grief, I don't care.
I guess my point is, we need to care about ourselves and I need to take my own advice and move on with some stuff. I know my mother wouldn't want this and I know your dad is so proud of you for how far you've come in understanding and dealing with your AS. Just keep coming back here. I too read this daily but don't post much...I should thou, it helps me alot.
Anyways, hugs to you, big hugs!
I guess my point is, we need to care about ourselves and I need to take my own advice and move on with some stuff. I know my mother wouldn't want this and I know your dad is so proud of you for how far you've come in understanding and dealing with your AS. Just keep coming back here. I too read this daily but don't post much...I should thou, it helps me alot.
Anyways, hugs to you, big hugs!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Kindeyes,
I am sorry to hear about your dad. I lost both parents to sudden deaths. There are so many loose ends, unfinished conversations, things you wished to do, and a feeling like you just lost a limb.
I recently attended an AA meeting and imagined both my parents up there saying 'my name is...and I am an alcholic' and talking about their struggles. It brought me to tears.
It is very different from loss of someone who was sick or at risk of death - not better or worse, just different. If anyone says 'It must be easier to have it happen so quickly, no need to be sad' you have my endorsement to stomp on their foot. Both of em'.
And really remember to detach from your son. He knows you love him and should know that you love him enough not to enable his addiction.
I am sorry to hear about your dad. I lost both parents to sudden deaths. There are so many loose ends, unfinished conversations, things you wished to do, and a feeling like you just lost a limb.
I recently attended an AA meeting and imagined both my parents up there saying 'my name is...and I am an alcholic' and talking about their struggles. It brought me to tears.
It is very different from loss of someone who was sick or at risk of death - not better or worse, just different. If anyone says 'It must be easier to have it happen so quickly, no need to be sad' you have my endorsement to stomp on their foot. Both of em'.
And really remember to detach from your son. He knows you love him and should know that you love him enough not to enable his addiction.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Welcome back Kindeyes, my deepest sympathies for you and your family. I know how hard it is to have something so tragic happen with a parent. My family just went through a rough time, my dad had a lung transplant. Each moment is so precious. Sounds like you have alot of great memories to hold onto. Glad to see you here again. I'm sure your son will get right back on track, just a small bump in the road. Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Kindeyes))),
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kindeyes. Losing a parent is so life-changing. And regarding the "quacking" of your son and this holiday time, I know what you mean. Just this morning I've received one of THOSE texts, blah-blah-blah, and my serenity gets a little shaken by it. I've come to start to resent it rather than get pulled into it. I think SR has helped me there a lot. I hope you stick around for the TLC you need, Kindeyes
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kindeyes. Losing a parent is so life-changing. And regarding the "quacking" of your son and this holiday time, I know what you mean. Just this morning I've received one of THOSE texts, blah-blah-blah, and my serenity gets a little shaken by it. I've come to start to resent it rather than get pulled into it. I think SR has helped me there a lot. I hope you stick around for the TLC you need, Kindeyes
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I often wondered what you were up to.
So very sorry to hear your dad has passed.
The principles of al-anon and spirituality may help during this difficult time.
They help me all the time when I work them.
I don't have much time right now, but so happy you have come back to share your experience with us.
So very sorry to hear your dad has passed.
The principles of al-anon and spirituality may help during this difficult time.
They help me all the time when I work them.
I don't have much time right now, but so happy you have come back to share your experience with us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 753
I am new here but can tell it is good for you and others that you are back.
So sorry for the loss of your dad - and the ongoing struggle with your son.
Thank you for your post. I have an adult daughter whose depression is one of my deepest sadnesses. It is so hard to know what to do. Posting here can only be good.
So sorry for the loss of your dad - and the ongoing struggle with your son.
Thank you for your post. I have an adult daughter whose depression is one of my deepest sadnesses. It is so hard to know what to do. Posting here can only be good.
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