The Family Disease of Alcoholism
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The Family Disease of Alcoholism
From How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics pp 27-30
THE PART WE PLAY
Awareness begins by learning about the family disease of alcoholism. Everyone in an alcoholic relationship – friends, co-workers, family members, as well as the alcoholic – plays a part in the dynamics of this disease. In order to make any changes in our circumstances, we must try to discover the part we play.
In general, alcoholics act, and we, who are involved with them, react. The active alcoholic gets drunk, behaves irrationally or irresponsibly, and becomes the center of attention. Those around him or her react to the drinking and its consequences. In a state of intoxication, alcoholics aren’t worried about the problems their actions are creating; instead, those around the alcoholics worry for them. We believe we must take on the responsibility of doing for the alcoholics what they seem unable or unwilling to do for themselves.
In the beginning, many of us are genuinely concerned and merely want to help a relative or friend who is obviously not well. But as time passes and the situation worsens, we cease to recognize that we have a choice in the matter. In fact, the choices available to some of us in the past were quite limited. Those who grew up around alcoholism or dealt with abuse may have felt forced to take certain actions on the alcoholic’s behalf for the sake of our own safety. Eventually, even when no real danger exists, most of us have come to believe that our help is imperative, whether we want to offer it or not. The alcoholic becomes more and more dependent.
After awhile, we can’t imagine allowing the alcoholic to sleep through another day of work without calling in sick, or allowing another bounced check to be ignored. It becomes more desirable to stay home than to risk another public humiliation. And many of us can’t stand the tension of waiting for the consequences of drinking to manifest; we feel compelled to intervene.
Alcoholics act and we react. No on can tell the drinker anything – he or she calls all the shots. Alcohol fosters an exaggerated sense of confidence and well-being, prompting the drinker to act like a little god with all the answers. At the same time the drinker becomes increasingly irrational. In response, we argue, trying to get him or her to see more realistically. It becomes essential to prove we are right. As time passes, we continue to justify our own positions, yet in the face of the alcoholic’s vehemence, we begin to doubt ourselves and our perceptions. If the alcoholic has told us that the drinking is our fault because we are so noisy or so disobedient, we become compulsively quiet or strive for perfect obedience night and day, regardless of the cost to ourselves. In time, the more confident the alcoholic seems, the more insecure we become. We begin to agree even when we know that what is being said is wrong. We do whatever is demanded of us to avoid conflict, knowing that we never seem to win any arguments or convince the alcoholic that we are right. We lose the ability to say “no”.
The same pattern holds true when the alcoholics in our lives make promises they can’t keep. For example, they promise not to miss another little league game, business meeting or dinner date. They swear that next time they won’t drink, or stay out all night, or get violent. Or they promise to exercise will power. They switch to beer, thinking that beer will have less power over them than hard liquor. Or they throw out all the liquor in the house, only to be so driven by the disease that they are compelled to find some form of alcohol and settle for mouthwash or cough syrup. And again, we react. Forgetting about hundreds of broken promises in the past, we believe that the alcoholics can indeed control their drinking. We decide that everything is going to be different now – better! Denying what our past experience has taught us, we count on these promises with all our hearts. We set ourselves up for almost inevitable disappointment. And then, when the alcoholics fail to control alcoholism a disease which is quite beyond their control, we are devastated, resentful and enraged. We see ourselves as helpless victims and fail to recognize that we have volunteered for that role by choosing to believe wholeheartedly in what we knew from experience would probably not happen.
Those of us who haven’t been associated with an alcoholic in many years can continue to react to alcoholic patterns of behavior as well. The low self-esteem that evolved as a result of past failures and episodes of abuse or neglect persists. For the love and attention we never received in the past, we look to people who are unavailable to us. We avoid conflict, but now we do so with employers, other relatives, or authority figures rather than with the alcoholic. Or we seek out conflict, believing that the best defense is a good offense. If we sense that a confrontation is coming, we create a diversion and pick a fight over some other issue. Many of us become so accustomed to living in chaos and crisis that we feel completely lost in its absence. Consequently, when everything is going well, we sabotage ourselves, creating a crisis. This may make us miserable, but at least we know how to function in such a situation. We may also perpetuate a variety of compulsive behaviors without having any idea what prompts us to do so. The survival techniques we developed while living with the active disease have become a way of life. It may never have occurred to us that there is another way to live.
This pattern also persists in sobriety. Many of us have seen our sober loved ones go through “dry drunks”, periods during which the alcoholic’s behavior in sobriety seems identical to the active drinking days. Naturally, most of us fall right back into our old behavior as well. Even if our loved one is a model of sobriety, fear that the alcoholic might drink, the desire to manage his or her sobriety, unresolved resentments from the drinking days, and personality or lifestyle changes that take place during recovery can also trigger unhealthy reactions from those of us who care about a recovering alcoholic. The disease and its effects persist into sobriety.
Unless we friends and relatives choose recovery for ourselves, the dynamics of the disease will continue to dominate our relationships.
THE PART WE PLAY
Awareness begins by learning about the family disease of alcoholism. Everyone in an alcoholic relationship – friends, co-workers, family members, as well as the alcoholic – plays a part in the dynamics of this disease. In order to make any changes in our circumstances, we must try to discover the part we play.
In general, alcoholics act, and we, who are involved with them, react. The active alcoholic gets drunk, behaves irrationally or irresponsibly, and becomes the center of attention. Those around him or her react to the drinking and its consequences. In a state of intoxication, alcoholics aren’t worried about the problems their actions are creating; instead, those around the alcoholics worry for them. We believe we must take on the responsibility of doing for the alcoholics what they seem unable or unwilling to do for themselves.
In the beginning, many of us are genuinely concerned and merely want to help a relative or friend who is obviously not well. But as time passes and the situation worsens, we cease to recognize that we have a choice in the matter. In fact, the choices available to some of us in the past were quite limited. Those who grew up around alcoholism or dealt with abuse may have felt forced to take certain actions on the alcoholic’s behalf for the sake of our own safety. Eventually, even when no real danger exists, most of us have come to believe that our help is imperative, whether we want to offer it or not. The alcoholic becomes more and more dependent.
After awhile, we can’t imagine allowing the alcoholic to sleep through another day of work without calling in sick, or allowing another bounced check to be ignored. It becomes more desirable to stay home than to risk another public humiliation. And many of us can’t stand the tension of waiting for the consequences of drinking to manifest; we feel compelled to intervene.
Alcoholics act and we react. No on can tell the drinker anything – he or she calls all the shots. Alcohol fosters an exaggerated sense of confidence and well-being, prompting the drinker to act like a little god with all the answers. At the same time the drinker becomes increasingly irrational. In response, we argue, trying to get him or her to see more realistically. It becomes essential to prove we are right. As time passes, we continue to justify our own positions, yet in the face of the alcoholic’s vehemence, we begin to doubt ourselves and our perceptions. If the alcoholic has told us that the drinking is our fault because we are so noisy or so disobedient, we become compulsively quiet or strive for perfect obedience night and day, regardless of the cost to ourselves. In time, the more confident the alcoholic seems, the more insecure we become. We begin to agree even when we know that what is being said is wrong. We do whatever is demanded of us to avoid conflict, knowing that we never seem to win any arguments or convince the alcoholic that we are right. We lose the ability to say “no”.
The same pattern holds true when the alcoholics in our lives make promises they can’t keep. For example, they promise not to miss another little league game, business meeting or dinner date. They swear that next time they won’t drink, or stay out all night, or get violent. Or they promise to exercise will power. They switch to beer, thinking that beer will have less power over them than hard liquor. Or they throw out all the liquor in the house, only to be so driven by the disease that they are compelled to find some form of alcohol and settle for mouthwash or cough syrup. And again, we react. Forgetting about hundreds of broken promises in the past, we believe that the alcoholics can indeed control their drinking. We decide that everything is going to be different now – better! Denying what our past experience has taught us, we count on these promises with all our hearts. We set ourselves up for almost inevitable disappointment. And then, when the alcoholics fail to control alcoholism a disease which is quite beyond their control, we are devastated, resentful and enraged. We see ourselves as helpless victims and fail to recognize that we have volunteered for that role by choosing to believe wholeheartedly in what we knew from experience would probably not happen.
Those of us who haven’t been associated with an alcoholic in many years can continue to react to alcoholic patterns of behavior as well. The low self-esteem that evolved as a result of past failures and episodes of abuse or neglect persists. For the love and attention we never received in the past, we look to people who are unavailable to us. We avoid conflict, but now we do so with employers, other relatives, or authority figures rather than with the alcoholic. Or we seek out conflict, believing that the best defense is a good offense. If we sense that a confrontation is coming, we create a diversion and pick a fight over some other issue. Many of us become so accustomed to living in chaos and crisis that we feel completely lost in its absence. Consequently, when everything is going well, we sabotage ourselves, creating a crisis. This may make us miserable, but at least we know how to function in such a situation. We may also perpetuate a variety of compulsive behaviors without having any idea what prompts us to do so. The survival techniques we developed while living with the active disease have become a way of life. It may never have occurred to us that there is another way to live.
This pattern also persists in sobriety. Many of us have seen our sober loved ones go through “dry drunks”, periods during which the alcoholic’s behavior in sobriety seems identical to the active drinking days. Naturally, most of us fall right back into our old behavior as well. Even if our loved one is a model of sobriety, fear that the alcoholic might drink, the desire to manage his or her sobriety, unresolved resentments from the drinking days, and personality or lifestyle changes that take place during recovery can also trigger unhealthy reactions from those of us who care about a recovering alcoholic. The disease and its effects persist into sobriety.
Unless we friends and relatives choose recovery for ourselves, the dynamics of the disease will continue to dominate our relationships.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
RECOGNIZING OUR OPTIONS pp 30-32
Alcoholics act and family members and friends react. Most of the time, we react because we don’t realize we have a choice. It’s automatic. In Al-Anon, we are reminded that we have choices. Just because the alcoholic gets drunk, acts out, fails to meet an obligation, declares that the sky is orange, or makes or breaks a promise, does not mean that those who care about him or her must do what we have always done before. We are not trapped. We have choices.
It’s as if we were holding one end of a rope and an alcoholic grabbed the other end and started to tug. Most of us would react automatically. We would tug back. It never occurs to us that we don’t have to play. If we knew we had options, we might choose to drop the rope. There is no tug-of-war unless both players hold on to their ends. By taking note of what we do in reaction to alcoholic behavior, we can begin to see the choices we are already unconsciously making. Further examination, discussion with other Al-Anon members, and use of the slogans and Steps can help us to discover options we never knew we had. Perhaps we will even decide to drop the rope.
For example, some alcoholics feel guilty about their need to drink and find it much easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Such alcoholics often provoke those around them, trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live or work with them tend to react to this provocation, arguing back, defending ourselves against unjust accusations, making accusations of our own. In the end, the alcoholic gets exactly what he or she was looking for: an excuse to drink. Dry or sober alcoholics sometimes use the same tactics to create a diversion so that everyone’s attention will be drawn away from a topic or situation with which they are uncomfortable. Dropping the rope means recognizing the pattern and choosing not to play the same part any more. We notice the provocative behavior, and we notice exactly what we do in response.
Perhaps the alcoholic provokes by accusing us of being lazy, and we react by playing martyr and listing all the things we do for him or her. In response, the alcoholic resents our self-righteous attitude, and we feel unappreciated and sorry for ourselves. The discussion quickly escalates into an argument that almost always ends the same way – with the alcoholic storming out the door to escape at the nearest bar. Once we are clear about the part we play, we can choose to try a different response. For instance, the next time we are accused of laziness, we might decide to not react. Perhaps we will keep quiet or simply change the subject. We might leave the room or busy ourselves with some task. We may take a moment to acknowledge to ourselves that the accusation is not true, and that it is the disease of alcoholism, and not our loved one, that is speaking. Or, knowing that at times we can be lazy, we might even smile pleasantly and agree. There are no right or wrong responses. Many of us find that it doesn’t matter how we break the pattern, only that we do so.
The alcoholic might not take kindly to this change, especially at first. The alcoholic needs a drink and the only way he or she can take one comfortably is by picking a fight. If the drinker’s first efforts fail because we refuse to play our customary role, he or she is likely to try again. If we become condescending or self-righteous about the new role we are choosing to play, or smug about the alcoholic’s failure to provoke us, we defeat ourselves. Not only will our poor attitudes provide just the excuse the alcoholic is looking for, but they will continue to pit us against at disease we simply cannot defeat. We are powerless over another’s alcoholism. If we continue to engage in a losing battle, there will be no end to the frustration and despair that led us to try this new tack in the first place. We seek real change. It is not our goal to be “right”. It is not our goal to “win”. Our goal is to do everything we can to heal ourselves and our relationships. This takes diligence, patience, and above all, practice.
As we become increasingly aware of the dynamics of the family disease, many of us discover that we have performed a particular function in our family or group. Friends and family members play a wide variety of supporting roles in the family disease, all of which attempt to control the uncontrollable disease of alcoholism and to bring order into the unpredictable and often explosive living or working environment. We don’t realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities. Perhaps we find that our role has been to take the blame whenever anything goes wrong, even when we weren’t remotely involved. Others provide comic relief, serving to create a light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home. And some of us provoke, venting our pent-up frustration and resentment, providing the alcoholic with an excuse to drink, and poisoning ourselves with our growing bitterness.
All of these supporting roles work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to pay his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected.
Alcoholics act and family members and friends react. Most of the time, we react because we don’t realize we have a choice. It’s automatic. In Al-Anon, we are reminded that we have choices. Just because the alcoholic gets drunk, acts out, fails to meet an obligation, declares that the sky is orange, or makes or breaks a promise, does not mean that those who care about him or her must do what we have always done before. We are not trapped. We have choices.
It’s as if we were holding one end of a rope and an alcoholic grabbed the other end and started to tug. Most of us would react automatically. We would tug back. It never occurs to us that we don’t have to play. If we knew we had options, we might choose to drop the rope. There is no tug-of-war unless both players hold on to their ends. By taking note of what we do in reaction to alcoholic behavior, we can begin to see the choices we are already unconsciously making. Further examination, discussion with other Al-Anon members, and use of the slogans and Steps can help us to discover options we never knew we had. Perhaps we will even decide to drop the rope.
For example, some alcoholics feel guilty about their need to drink and find it much easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Such alcoholics often provoke those around them, trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live or work with them tend to react to this provocation, arguing back, defending ourselves against unjust accusations, making accusations of our own. In the end, the alcoholic gets exactly what he or she was looking for: an excuse to drink. Dry or sober alcoholics sometimes use the same tactics to create a diversion so that everyone’s attention will be drawn away from a topic or situation with which they are uncomfortable. Dropping the rope means recognizing the pattern and choosing not to play the same part any more. We notice the provocative behavior, and we notice exactly what we do in response.
Perhaps the alcoholic provokes by accusing us of being lazy, and we react by playing martyr and listing all the things we do for him or her. In response, the alcoholic resents our self-righteous attitude, and we feel unappreciated and sorry for ourselves. The discussion quickly escalates into an argument that almost always ends the same way – with the alcoholic storming out the door to escape at the nearest bar. Once we are clear about the part we play, we can choose to try a different response. For instance, the next time we are accused of laziness, we might decide to not react. Perhaps we will keep quiet or simply change the subject. We might leave the room or busy ourselves with some task. We may take a moment to acknowledge to ourselves that the accusation is not true, and that it is the disease of alcoholism, and not our loved one, that is speaking. Or, knowing that at times we can be lazy, we might even smile pleasantly and agree. There are no right or wrong responses. Many of us find that it doesn’t matter how we break the pattern, only that we do so.
The alcoholic might not take kindly to this change, especially at first. The alcoholic needs a drink and the only way he or she can take one comfortably is by picking a fight. If the drinker’s first efforts fail because we refuse to play our customary role, he or she is likely to try again. If we become condescending or self-righteous about the new role we are choosing to play, or smug about the alcoholic’s failure to provoke us, we defeat ourselves. Not only will our poor attitudes provide just the excuse the alcoholic is looking for, but they will continue to pit us against at disease we simply cannot defeat. We are powerless over another’s alcoholism. If we continue to engage in a losing battle, there will be no end to the frustration and despair that led us to try this new tack in the first place. We seek real change. It is not our goal to be “right”. It is not our goal to “win”. Our goal is to do everything we can to heal ourselves and our relationships. This takes diligence, patience, and above all, practice.
As we become increasingly aware of the dynamics of the family disease, many of us discover that we have performed a particular function in our family or group. Friends and family members play a wide variety of supporting roles in the family disease, all of which attempt to control the uncontrollable disease of alcoholism and to bring order into the unpredictable and often explosive living or working environment. We don’t realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities. Perhaps we find that our role has been to take the blame whenever anything goes wrong, even when we weren’t remotely involved. Others provide comic relief, serving to create a light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home. And some of us provoke, venting our pent-up frustration and resentment, providing the alcoholic with an excuse to drink, and poisoning ourselves with our growing bitterness.
All of these supporting roles work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to pay his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected.
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It's often said that we are only as sick as our secrets. It was such a huge surprise and even bigger relief when I realized I was not alone. Other people lived like I lived... other people knew what my life and circumstances were... enough so that they had written them in a book.
That meant they understood, they had walked this path. And maybe, JUST maybe, I could learn something from their experience, their strength and their hope.
That meant they understood, they had walked this path. And maybe, JUST maybe, I could learn something from their experience, their strength and their hope.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I come from a dysfunctional family as well where roles were played. However, in my family, there was no alcoholism or any type of drug addiction (OK, my parents smoked, but that was it). My mom was sick for a very long time (cancer, 9 years), and certain family dynamic was developed.
I ended marrying an alcoholic, and I wondered why many, many times. Why did I feel this responsibility for his well-being, for his happiness? Why am I still with him? At that time, I knew nothing about codependency. I actually feel liberated knowing that it is OK to put my own needs first. It is perfectly fine to say no. It is not selfish. It is just common sense. Being kind and compassionate is great, but one must be aware that there are people in this world who take our kindness for weakness.
As for the role, I am definitely a "provoker," but I am working on my frustration and my reactions. I have finally realized that yelling and screaming are exactly what my AH wants.
Thank you for posting this! I learn something new every day.
I ended marrying an alcoholic, and I wondered why many, many times. Why did I feel this responsibility for his well-being, for his happiness? Why am I still with him? At that time, I knew nothing about codependency. I actually feel liberated knowing that it is OK to put my own needs first. It is perfectly fine to say no. It is not selfish. It is just common sense. Being kind and compassionate is great, but one must be aware that there are people in this world who take our kindness for weakness.
As for the role, I am definitely a "provoker," but I am working on my frustration and my reactions. I have finally realized that yelling and screaming are exactly what my AH wants.
Thank you for posting this! I learn something new every day.
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