Carina52408

Hi, I just joined this forum and wanted to share my story and see if others have met similar people.
I am 18 years old, my brother is 24. He still lives with us and is addicted to heroin. He has been into drugs since he was 13 and my family members have never believed me. First it was weed, then oxycotton, and now heroin. He physically and sexually abused me for most of my adolescence. Before the heroin he was always a liar, a manipulater, and displayed the character traits of an evil person. Despite all of the pain he has caused my family, he remains the "favorite". My mother (a former alchoholic) is constantly making excuses for him and refuses to acknowledge what he has done to me. I always asked her to stop drinking, and now that she has, she said my brother is the reason she stopped. She has turned to sleeping all day from depression medicine and Tylenol PM now and is suffering from schizophrenia.
My brother has been arrested numerous times for destruction of property, selling drugs, having drugs on him, stealing, etc.
He has court tomorrow for violating his probation and he may go to jail.
Is it wrong that this does not bother me?
He has been in and out of rehab facilities and although I know it works for some people, it does not work for many, including him.
My parents have never given him any boundaries and I believe this is what led to his drug addiction.
Does anyone know of a person like this who changed from jail? No matter what my brother has done to me, I want him to be better. I want him to be a good person and among the flaws in his character, I want him to be clean. I want to see him suceed, and in time I want to be able to forgive him for what he was.
I'm tired of my parents paying so much money to put him in rehab when it does nothing. I'm tired of my brother trying to steal gifts I bought my fiance, a soldier heading to Iraq, for Christmas. I'm tired of having missing DVDs, and I'm so tired of hearing he has stolen yet another piece of my mothers jewlery.
I hope he goes to jail.
Thanks for listening.

Edit / I just realized I posted this in the wrong section, Sorry.

GiveLove

Hey carina,

Sounds like you've been through hell. I'm so sorry all of this has happened, but I'm really, really glad you found us.

It did not bother me when either my sister or my brother went to jail. It felt a little like post-traumatic stress....I was so numb by all the chaos they'd put us through that it just didn't matter to me where they were living. And anyway, at least I would know they had a warm place to sleep and three square meals a day.

Jail scared the bejeezus out of my brother, and it contributed to his current turnaround into sobriety.

Jail did nothing for my sister; she never quit her drugs of choice.

So there's no real pattern I can share with you.

You've been through more trouble and abuse than anyone should ever have to suffer, more than most ever do in their whole life. Have you been able to see any sort of counselor or therapist to talk through any of it? Is there anywhere else you can live, to get away from the nightmare-life with your mom? Where's your dad in all this? Who's your support system there?

Hugs to you from me
GL

Carina52408

Thank you so much for your kind words and sympathy.

I have never been to a counselor of any sort. Ironically, that's what I want to do with my life. I do not talk about my feelings at all. I'm trying to keep my younger sister (aged 14) from going through the same pain I feel. I feel like seeing a counselor would be an awkward situation for someone like me.
My fiance and I had an appartment set up and then he unfortunately got deployed. I haven't seen him in a month and a half and that has been the most difficult part. He is the only person that knows about any of the things that have occured in my home and the only person I open up to.
My father works long hours in the city and has become very desensitized to the entire situation. One moment he will say he agrees with me and the next he is hugging my brother and being extremely nice to him (because my brother cunives him... again) My father has to sleep with his wallet under his pillow and a few nights ago my brother did the lowest thing to my parents and took it.

GiveLove

I saw a counselor for a while when my life was blown apart, and I also have a couple of friends who are counselors.

You know the interesting thing? All three of them ALSO get counseling. They use it to keep clear, keep sane, even to gather new ideas and just talk things out. When you think about it it makes sense: All day long, they just LISTEN. they never get to talk about their own stuff

If you might want to be a counselor some day, I'd honestly consider trying to figure out how to make it happen. Lots have a sliding scale where you pay next to nothing to see them. Plus, it's good practice, even if you go a few times and then critique them ("Hmmmm,nice enough, but not real strong on actual solutions..." ) (yes, I do that too) (is that mean?)

I'm a kid of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and neglect as well, both my parents were alcoholics. My sisters saved me, but didn't bother to save themselves in the process. Maybe you can work on saving BOTH of you.

You can still have any kind of life you want. Sometimes, getting the ugly stuff out of the way early is good, if you can get a little help straightening it all out in your head so it doesn't eat you up.
:ghug3

genrs123

i really relate to your post. my brother is one of my qualifiers. i moved out when i was much younger because i didnt like the enabling that took place despite my brother abusing my parents, and the acceptance of my parents for my brother abusing me. i too felt no matter what he did he was the favorite! and attention towards me was directed towards him, even if it was negative.

one of the hardest jobs i ever had while i was saving to move out was working at a smoothie place for tips, and i put the money in my pillow too. he got that also.

anyway, i am very interested in recidivism levels in prison (and do work regarding this)and it could bring a change. it could be a rock bottom. he could also find education, religion, or support in prison.

on a brighter note, after my brothers second DUI and he does jail time..., he is now in AA supposedly. my mom now goes to al anon too (not same mtgs as me)- she understands better though i found her reading the big book to be sort of irking when i havent seen her reading co depedent no more etc. but hey shes trying and im glad for that. it takes time and you cant force it i guess. So in answer to question two, YES. i know people who have changed from this, although its hard to say whether the change happened as a result of them going to jail, or a result of whatever bottom they hit that got them to jail to begin with. guess it doesnt matter. the answer is yes! thats nice, right. but it probably is differnt for different people. as someone once told me after my AXBF's first DUI, i thought hed stop drinking (ha) and someone said, well for some it takes one DUI, others, 3, others they might kill a person driving drink but for some people, they just arent going to stop.

anyway, i dont have anything to do with my brother and his behavior towards me has left me feeling nothing short of thankful any time someone or something does hold him accountable, as it may be in your case - my parents did set firm boundaries or have ANY discipline for us... so im glad someone is doing it, he needs to learn to be accountable for his actions the hard way.

so IMHO good for you for being able to detach and not feel bad!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy that maybe his HP is trying to get him to gravitate and bring a change.

anyway, i am here for you if you ever want to talk. keep posting. im sorry youre going through this.

try going to an al anon or nar anon meeting, it might help.

Bernadette

No not a bad person! Not by a long shot - it might mean you are actually a sane person in an insane environment...

Try to let your brother and his problems be just that: his problems - as much as you can. Honestly, you never know, but it sounds like things around you might not change much for the better anytime soon... but things inside you can start to change...today!

You say you want to be a counselor - I am in Nursing School at a Community College right now and the Psych/Counseling Classes have been some of my favorites - I am finding that coming from a dysfunctional (in my case alcoholic) family it is reassuring to study the cold facts of addiction, mental illness, family dynamics - when I am learning about it in school I can detach it from my emotional connections and it gives me good persepective when I apply some of it to my own history....

I ditto the mentions about trying an Alanon/Naranon or Alateen meeting - it's free and you will probably feel a huge relief when you start learning some of the ways you can improve your situation.

Lock up your valuables and take care of yourself!! And your sister is lucky to have you - I wouldn't have survived my childhood without my big sis!
Sending a prayer out to you and your fiance.
:praying
Peace-
B.

embraced2000

carina, honey. i wanted to run to you, gather you up and take you somewhere safe.

i'm so sorry you have had to endure this kind of hell. charges should be made against him for the sexual abuse. it was not your fault. and it does not make you a bad person that you want him out of the house.

have you told anyone about what he has done to you? a school counselor, a minister? they could help you end at least that part of the torture.

i'm very concerned about your younger sister, too. if he did that to you, he has or will probably do the same to her. he is very sick.

many prayers going up your way, sweetie.
jeri

Ago

No

Yes (my sister) also Heroin

I'm hoping it's for the right reasons, not revenge, having a resentment that large is like drinking poison and hoping they die.

The other posts have everything else you need, therapy/counseling/12 step programs saved my bacon as well, these are people who are trained to help you get better, allow your brother his experience, protect yourself, and give up trying to "change" your parents, what a painful lifelong lesson in futility that always turns out to be.

Good luck, and take care of you :ghug

Carina52408

Hey everyone. I am overwhelmed with all of your kind words... each of you have comforted me so much. Just by telling me I shouldn't have to go through something like this I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He had court today, and when my parents walked in the door I asked what happened.
"He's in jail... you happy?" was my moms response.
They are very upset and I feel a surge of guilt again for basically wishing this upon him.
He's going to jail for 25 days, then is going straight to a rehab facility upstate (I live in NY).
My aunt is over now and is comforting my mother. My aunt has my brothers phone and is angry with me because she saw a few choice words I said on a text message to him, after he took my dinner and threw it at me last night. Again, I "instigated" this. Ofcourse.
My sister has her Orchestra concert tonight and my mom is refusing to go because again she is obsessed with my brother. I know it must be a very emotional experience to watch your son being taken away in handcuffs and I pray I never have to go through something similar, but ignoring my sister of something she is really excited for and proud of is really hurtful to her, and though she says nothing, I see her disapointment.
I'm going to the concert in an hour or so and hopefully my Dad agrees to come with me. It has been an emotional day for both of my parents and I've been trying to be supportive and have only mentioned that this is what he needs, not that I feel he "deserves" it... which is pretty hard for me not to say.
My father was telling me when he found out he was going to jail "I'll just run."
The lawyer promised him he would be in jail for a year if he did so.
My parents put him on suicide watch.



Thank you again to each one of you for your kind words and support. It was a pleasant surprise to see people extend their generosity and warmth to such a degree. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers... they are much appreciated.

mle-sober

Carina,

It sounds to me like you have too much responsibility for an 18 year old. And you've handled yourself with grace and courage. You are a good sister to look out for the needs of your younger sister. I bet your friendship with her will be lasting and important to both of you for the rest of your lives. I'm glad you have each other. And as she gets older, she'll be able to return to love and devotion you've shown her. My sisters are so important to me because we've been through so much together.

Hang in there and try to distance yourself from the mean-spirited words of your mother. Her perspective seemed warped to me.

You're doing a good job.