embraced2000

i've reached a new depth of despair. i don't want to die, but what i'm doing is not living, either.

i've had to surrender my two pets to the animal shelter where i got them because i cannot afford to take care of them properly.

there is no money. i applied for food stamps, something i thought i would never have to do, and was awarded 60.00 per month. wow.

i'm paralyzed mentally. i don't know what to do. i can't work. my health is so bad. the feeling of hopelessness is feeling quite normal. i have worked all my life, and now at almost 56 my health is so poor and even if it weren't, it is so hard to re-enter the job market at my age.

i was fired last august from my job of 12 years because i simply wasn't able to do the job any longer. i can't draw unemployment.

i saw an attorney about disability.....but this isn't really what i want to do. i want to work. such a conflict.

today i drug myself to the doc who is testing me for lupus, ms, and something to do with rheumotoid something or other.

i'm losing my eyesight to diabetes.

i don't know how much more i can handle folks. i'm ready to just give it all up. then i picture my children, grandchildren .

i feel like i need to be in a place where the only decision i have to make is what flavor jello someone will spoon feed me for the day.

i'd like to be able to say i feel desperate, but the truth is, i feel nothing.

i wish i could cry, or scream, or anything. but i can't. i feel calm, yet defeated.

cmc

Jeri,
I'm sorry you're feeling so down and that times are so tough for you right now. When I'm feeling the way you describe I try to remember that things are always changing and I try to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm glad you're going to the doctor.
I don't know you very well but what I do know of you from reading your posts in the past....you have it in you to get past this and get your inner strength and some of your sass back.
I wish I had some answers. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
How about for now, you just keep posting and venting here where you are cared for so very much?

denny57

(((Jeri)))

Was thinking about you this morning. Am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low.

My best suggestion is to contact a crisis hotline. Are you able to go to any face to face meetings? (or force yourself to go?)

queenteree

(((Jeri))) I just want to let you know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you that God give you the strength I know you have. I have been on SR for about 2 1/2 years, and you always gave me such inspiration. Things may look dark right now, but you have your kids and grandkids (that's what always helps me when I'm feeling despondent) who love you. Please just remember, even though it may not seem like it now, that this too shall pass. (((((HUGS))))))

blessed4x

((((jeri)))) Having worked in healthcare (and in a role that was more social worker than nurse) for many years I can tell you that it's okay to take whatever it is you are needing at this time. If being on disability is an option it doesn't mean it has to be a forever option. You are a wonderful, valuable woman and you will be able to repay whatever you are given tenfold.....whether that be in monetary means, or by volunteering, or even coming here and offering your wisdom.

In my experience, it is always the people that need help the most that are least likely to accept it. Your emotional bank account is empty.....let us help you fill it up. This is your time to do the taking, and maybe your lesson in this is to learn to do that very thing.

NYC_Chick

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time ((()))

GiveLove

Jeri,

Blessed is so right. You recall that expression we like here that says we're just going to do "the next right thing" ?

Let's get through this with baby steps (my favorite way to live life!! ) Maybe the next right thing for you is disability. But it doesn't have to be a forever solution....maybe it's just what you need RIGHT NOW, in order to buy your HP some time to open some new doors for you.

Please let us know what the doc's results say. None of the things you mention is insurmountable, and at 56 there is still so much livin' to do.

Hugs to you from all of us :ghug

brundle

embraced2000 I've had to get on disability. I'm 40 and remember a few years ago when I was completely bedridden for several years. I am told I probably have MS and my last Lupus test came back positive. I can tell you that thanks to proper treatment over the last few years I have a much better quality of life.

There really was a time in my life that I thought death would be better and now that's no longer the case. Hang in there. Honestly if it is autoimmune they come in flares and after months they can get better...

Your in my prayers...
Hugs.

embraced2000

i didn't think i could cry, but reading all of your responses moved me to tears. good tears. i'm going in the hospital to a nearby large city for two days for an evaluation...found that out today at docs office. i don't have ins. or anyway to pay, but they have programs for people like me, and most of the billings are dealt with someway.

i'm so weary of this. and then there are all the people that blame "the alcoholic" for wearing me down. i'm so sick of hearing that. i just tell those people that many people get sick who have not been involved with an alcoholic.

from now on, i'm just going to say......that is something i choose not to discuss.

thank you all so much
much love to all
jeri

Barbara52

I can't add to what the others have said. I will keep you in my prayers.

baileyboop

Hugs to you.....I will be praying as well...

DesertEyes

Hey Jeri, have a big (((( hug )))))

I've been where you are. Several times. It totally sucks to be sick. Then the whole "Insurance machine" justs kicks you when you're down. I got fired the last time I had heart surgery. Took me months to get well enough to be able to work again, but I managed. Another time I spent months on disability before I was well enough to get out of bed. I got thru that one too.

I know. I understand that too. Been there, survived that.

Here's what works for me. I focus on just this minute. I only do what is important this minute. For you that means take care of your blood glucose levels. Just for right now. When you are done with that you look at the next thing that is important. I'm going to guess here, so how about taking care of your feet. Take just one minute to do your regular foot care.

When you are done with all that you do the next thing. Just one at a time. Nothing more.

You have already done many things right. You got the food stamps. You have your docs sending you to a big hospital. All of that is excellent. You have done well.

When you get to the big city grab a phone book and call up the local Al-Anon office. Tell them what is going on and ask them for a ride to a meeting. You will find a small group of people just like the people here in Sober Recovery. People just like you and me.

Jeri, I made it thru much of what you are going thru. You will too. Just focus on what is important right this minute and little by little you will get everything taken care of.

Mike (((( hugs )))))

Still Waters

It is very very hard to move forward and stay positive when your health isn't good, I'll be praying that they can find something to help yours during your evaluation.

Bernadette

Just sending along a (((((HUG))))) and :praying
Peace-
B.

gns

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Freedom1990

I fought applying for disability for a long time, and tried to ignore my health problems. The end result is I am now paying back over 7 grand in medical bills and am over one year into the process of fighting for disability. I have also been in regular therapy for a year now.

I know too well those feelings of hopelessness and despair.

I started setting goals for myself. I turned once again to Vo-Rehab and asked for help in finally completing my college education so I could land a job where I wasn't on my feet all day, which I can no longer do due to my disabilities.

I just finished my first full semester of college, all online.

Please know that I will keep you in my prayers. Start setting some goals, even small ones. Little things like that helped me start seeing light at the end of the tunnel! :ghug :ghug

denny57

How you feeling today Jeri?

FormerDoormat

Sorry I missed this yesterday. There was a post a while back from LTD I think that focused on the phrase "this, too, shall pass." I don't think it was a thread she started, but one she responded to. I wish I could find it because I think you might find it helpful today. I'll do my best to share the basics from memory.

She stressed the importance of living in the now and a lesson she learned from Eckert Toll's book, "The Power of Now." After reading that book, she shared that the phrase "this, too, shall pass" had new meaning for her.

I'm going purely from memory here, but the basic premise was that nothing lasts forever. People don't last forever, relationships don't last forever, good times don't last forever, and most importantly bad times don't last forever, either.

By choosing to stay in the now instead of focusing on the past or something that might happen in the future life becomes much more manageable. For example, when I'm facing a potential job loss or financial difficulties, it's much easier to focus on what I have today. I can tell myself that today I have a roof over my head, today I have enough to eat, today I have a warm bed to sleep in, today I have family and friends who love me. That means that today I'm OK. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here and reassess my situation then and make any changes necessary to take care of myself.

I'm glad you'll be getting a proper medical assessment in the hospital. Until then, I've got your back.

Alphawoman

I'm new here and don't know you but I would like you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm going to turn 57 next week so we're almost the same age. We've got lots more life to live our way so hang in there knowing you'll get through this.
Alphawoman

kermit

Jeri,
I know all to well where you are at, I have rheumoid arthritis, and lupus, it wass hell in the begining, but to tell you the truth I think the disability helped me, I was so sick, so it helped bring in some money, it took some time but I did end up back in the work force. Please do not be ashamed of disability or state aid. It has helped me so much.
Make sure your doctors know how stressed out you are, when I'm stressed out my Lupus is 10X worse.
I'm on a great drug called Plaquenil, I believe it is generic and it treats both Lupus and Rhematoid.
I know your pain and suffering, hang tight and get all the help you need and do not dent yourself anything, disability helped me out so very much noone will think less of you, especialy around here,
Love you and God bless,
Kermmie