genrs123

i just need to put this out there. today i got mad thinking of his message that said he missed me ( i did send him a message that says i miss you? which was really more me asking what he thought about me missing him then if he missed me. although i guess i didnt clarify that since i was so emotionally irrational at the time). Anyway, he said he misses talking to me he misses seeing me. he misses me . he misses the **** out of me. i responded that although i still need more time, it was validating to know as ive been missing him too.

today i really wanted to write him and say i miss kissing him, i miss holding him, and i miss sleeping next to him. Then i got angry at him for in a sense leaving. i still feel he wanted to break up with me and didnt see us working it out- although i guess that cuold be a doged bullet.

regardless, it hurts today. his next letter asked if there was anyway we could hang out in a relaxed and chill way. that he thought we should be able to be civil. and that the "hands on" approach was the way to go about this. my therapist said (as everyone else did here) that he probably felt guilty. after it FINALLY set in that he DIDNT want to get back together as i keep hoping (and thought somehow the phrase hands on meant in my own sick way), i got ANGRY. i thought, screw you buddy, and your guilt and you wanting to be "friends" im not even going to write back! take that! feel guilty! you should!

but then i remember that i had rgrets about being unloving, negative, etc. unencouraging and that he is sick, and that he is in a bad place. so i wrote him back and said... i dont think we havent been civil =)
and in response to your question, hopefully in the future. cant wait.

i literally cant wait, it makes me anxious. i felt that was a nicer way of saying the truth in a happy way vs. looking fwd to it because i dont look forward to us being friends at all right now. i still wish we were lovers and that he was mine and vice versa.

today is a hard day. i have managed to do nothing except clean my kitchen only to wreck it minutes later when i made a veg. green bean casserole, which i ate about 1/3 of. and thats it.

prodigal

You cannot understand how he can just wish to be "friends" and he keeps stepping over your boundaries. However, in this case, it sounds as if your boundaries are somewhat weak and he's taking advantage of that.

If you don't want to be friends with him at this time, tell him that clearly and in a minimum number of words. That way, there won't be any misunderstanding on his part.

Wishing for what you once were is just that - wishful thinking. Perhaps you should try to find a bit of balance now. Think about the bad times and the good times. But keep them in balance.

What do you miss about him? What don't you miss about him? Asking yourself these questions may give you a little more perspective. It's hard on everyone this time of year. The holidays really take their toll.

denny57

That doesn't mean missing HIM. Those are all verbs I used to comfort myself that xAH cared about me. Today I'm interested in kissing, holding and sleeping next to a healthy person. That's after doing the hard work of getting healthy myself.

Play the tape all the way through. It helped me enormously.

Stubborn1

((((genrs)))))

Barbara52

Are you missing the real him or the dream him?

genrs123

Yes, I said I miss those things and maybe they are a sign of my insecurity or my unwillingness to be alone, but they were the times that I felt loved that I felt OKAY that I felt like we were happy as a couple!!!!!!!!!! Maybe they are just physical, maybe shallow or codependent as you seem to insenuate and youre right im sure, but maybe they were just NICE , SWEET, INNOCENT things that I miss. That I have a right to miss or feel sad over the loss of.

maybe missing those things mean something, like i am codependent, or maybe missing kissing my boyfriend just mean i miss kissing my ex boyfriend. it was nice. really.


I didn’t say these are the ONLY things I miss! These are the things that im sad about having him just leave behind, but again these are SOME things. i don’t think I need to write the list of everything I miss.

well we were together off and on for 8 years. so, i wouldnt say i didnt know him but there was another part of him that he shielded me from. i never saw him, not one time, get messed up not one time. so, the real hm was the dream him. if that makes sense. i could tell the difference between him being sober or not , but not between him being sober or messed up. looking back, he was nodding off at some point and im sure there were drugs involved. and after 10+ years of this, him being 26, he probably doesnt know much of the difference either.

i know that i miss the fact that he knew me better than anyone, could finish my sentences, was thoughtful over things that id like, that he called me every day and that we talked about everything and that he made me laugh more than anyone id ever met. no matter what i said he was just hilarious. ive never found anyone that funny who seemed to love me and invest so much time in me. I miss that no one else has the same taste of music, and that I could talk about any band and explain music or talk about new things we came across. Or bands we saw etc. that I was never tired of being around him (really, this is not just the tapes). I could spend hours with him and not be annoyed. And I usually get annoyed with a lot of other people. He understood me, we shared ideals, I learned from him. I know that there are other smart funny people out there and with enough time I will get to know them and having similar interests in common. I know ive been told her that once im healthy ill draw healthy people to me.

and I know that if I don’t I need to be okay alone.

I know, I know, I know.

But RIGHT NOW I just MISS having him in my life, being close to him, and having the relationship –physical especially in my life. Maybe for my own selfish insecure reasons or not, it doesn’t help me NOT MISS HIM or not be HURT that he abandoned ship on me.

i know i need to work on myself i know that "i cant" isnt an excuse. i know im the "solution" and so is my attitude... that i need to be my own best company

but i am sad. i am tired. i am emotionally exhausted- probably from playing the tapes (maybe not all the way through but definitely trying). i am overwhelmed in my life. i know that means that i need to do something about it but i am depressed and i dont want to leave my bed, i dont want to shower, i basically want to read self help books watch movies and go to sleep but i am 3 weeks behind and failing in school soooo. i know its my attitude and my thoughts but right now i feel terminally stuck and paralyzingly sad.

denny57

Great share, genrs123, thank you.

I was there and I had similar feelings. I spent the first year basically staring at the wall, which my doctor told me was fine to do. But I also worked really hard at moving on with my life after nearly 20 years together.

ALL those things you talk about - it was true for me, too. Same tastes in film, music, books. Same sense of humor. Finish each other's thoughts and sentences. Cooking together, traveling together, working together. All of it - I was there. I was CRAZY about that man. I was also crazy, but that's another post.

I'm here to tell you it does get better - if you work at it. Fake it at first if you have to, but work at it all the same. Surround yourself with people who love you and gently kick you in the butt. I promise you there are other people out there to "click" with. I am living proof. One day you will be, too.

genrs123

Well i know this doesnt change anything, and Denny, thati s really great and really inspiring and i REALLY hope i can get to be where you are. i have really enjoyed your other posts and i need to re read them again for more inspiration

i know you probably feel the same about these other things to, but i want to add that haivng similar interests and comfort wasnt what i loved so much . it was that, i mean aside from the fact that we did get along and he did make me laugh, i trusted this person. although he couldnt call me at the time he said he was going to (although he did call... eventually)- i knew one thing and that was that he did care and love me. considering how bad of an addict or alcoholic he was, in retrospect, its amazing that he was as functioning as he wasi n our relationship. he listened, he was patient, verrryyy patient. he was gentle and he was he tried to make me happy (being codependent and unhappy, i know not healthy but he did try to work with this). i could tell he was interested in what i had to say and saw me for the value, he showed me how to have fun and he was supportive of whatever i wanted to do, even moving away from him when i was younger to go to school he thought i should do (i did but moved back after a semester)... he knew how to make me feel at peace or just happy about things by being around him showing supprot and love. but the number one thing that i miss is our chemistry. like a moth to a flame is really accurate now. since i was burned!!! haha.

it sounds so great, even on paper. what i remind myself is that the things i felt untolerable (which i ofcourse still second guess if they were-that-bad) would get worse, and that we werent going anywhere, and that i would just obsess with his addiction and even if or when i learn how to be happy and get through depression on my own... that if i were to be the girlfriend he wanted id be enabling him i guess. which i dont want to do.

anyway thanks for letting me know it gets better.

i know i need to keep workign on myself. fake it til i make it. but i dont know how to pretend my heart isnt broken or that i love myself. or that im happy. i wasnt a creative kid growing up, either i guess. no imagination! ha.

genrs123

oops when i said this doesnt change anything, i was refering to paragraph two, the other things that i left out... i ws saying it doesnt change anything because others could probably relate to as well or also could find true. others who then had to and did move on. brave souls i tell you.

denny57

I hear you, genrs. I went back and read your first post. I'd gently suggest you do the same. Off and on for 8 years; coke addict; alcoholic; lack of sex, etc.

It was overwhelming to me to make a change; that is why I admire so much anyone who does - including an addict. Change is HARD. It was easier to romanticize the relationship and tell myself I'd never have chemistry like that with someone else. Doing that allows me to say, see, he was the only one. It allows me to not do the hard work on me.

You will know when you are ready, and I believe you will do it.

((( )))

TakingCharge999

Geeeeeeeenrs!! I love you girl !! You are THE GIRL!! If I were a man I would fly to Atlanta right away and ask you to marry me... you are very smart and you need to make an extra effort to do better at school!!

OK that said... I was thinking about all the people around me and what they tell me: "MOVE ON ALREADY!! damn!! its already been two months!!". OK so two months ago I was dreaming a life with this guy and today I have to accept he is not only gone but with another girl, another drunkard.

Well excuse me people but this is what I need to hear !!

"Dreamer999, it is very natural and understandable to miss this guy. You lived wonderful things together and there were a lot of expectations. He helped setup those expectations, so its natural to feel bad about the deceit. Little time has passed and you are DOING GREAT for such experiences to happen. You came to a new city, new job, no friends or family and you were brave enough to leave the only "security" you had with a guy and friend who turned to have nothing else other than pain for you. You were wise enough to leave a place that had no love for you. You are closer to happiness even if it is tough now. You are doing GREAT and no,no one will understand the guts you have for leaving an alcoholic and facing your pain alone, no other guys, friends, distractions, alcohol or drugs. You are the best!! And the best will come to you. You are GREAT and an extremely brave woman. You faced your fears and you will prevail!! You've got to kick ass now!! Make a double effort and take the illusion of losing as a chance to go beyond what you thought of yourself... kick ass!! lose weight!! gain recognition at work! take care of yourself!! stay healthy, travel and come out from your ashes!! everyone is watching!! it's important to keep the attitude... YOU are the most important thing and YOU RULE"

I suggest you write your own letter to yourself and read it anytime you need. I was crying missing him too but now I feel better. Thanks for being out there and sharing.

Laden101

Thanks to all of you for sharing in this thread! It has helped me see the light in this area, and I intend to come back to these posts if I find myself falling backwards.

TakingCharge999

hi genrs!!

so today I had this training session and of course HE had to be in it... 6 hours having him infront of me with this jock attitude.

but you know, it was not that bad!! and today i felt better because i did not make a great deal of seeing him almost sleeping as of course i had to know he was with the new girlfriend and of course did not sleep.

i mean imagine being in that position and not feeling that bad!! :>

because i have mourned the guy I loved as if he was dead. in fact he is. he will NEVER come back. this is a strong therapy idea but it helped me a great deal to imagine him dead, all friends and family in black, i imagine myself crying over his dead body and saying the euolgy i wrote in tears. talking about EVERY SINGLE NICE DETAIL lived with him and honoring that. talking to the guy you loved: dear ex, i will always miss you... and so on and so on.

for me it has worked wonders. so when you see or think about the current ex, you no longer see the guy that was or could be again "if only". you see the present guy. a different one , like the evil clone, who has no business with you.

hard to let go and say goodbye. in fact it would be easier if they died, not if they are well and alive and being "happy"

after that i rest more in peace. when i see him around i see in his eyes he is becoming more and more a Mr Hyde than Dr Jekyll. And that this new girl will stay with him, of course, not because there is any love capabilities in this man. But because she is a die hard alcoholic as well, and the monster, alcoholism has trapped both of them in a downward spiral of destruction!! Thanks to alcohol of course and moreover his LACK OF WILL.

In fact today i saw him all hang overed, white, troubled, arriving late, and I could see him UGLY!!!

so if i can more or less do it of course you can too

hugs!

Tarheel

G,

Don't sell yourself short!! You cooked something that sounds wonderful and cleaned your kitchen. That's a lot - especially when you are just putting one foot in front of another. I'm proud of you!


TH