How can I detach without abandoning him?
 

Two days ago, after my brother drank again, I and his friend took him to the doctor. I then told my bro I had to take a step back from his situation, because I couldn't help him and it was driving me crazy trying.

Yesterday, my brother's friend called my mom with an update to let her know he had a psych appointment and was doing okay. This morning I had an email from my brother letting me know he's sober and planning to see the psych again (though the next appointment isn't until Jan. 4); he is hopeful this will help.

While I am greatly relieved that my brother is sober - for now - and taking steps to stay that way, I don't feel ready to resume contact with him. It's fine when he emails to say he's doing okay ... but then if I DON'T hear from him, I'm swept up in anxiety again. I responded to his email that I was glad he is doing okay, hoped he was staying in contact with his sponsor, and that I love him very much.

I know I am not in a good place emotionally to be able to be in touch with him; I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown. But I also don't want to a) make him feel I've abandoned him when he's trying to get better; and/or b) make him feel guilty or even more depressed because of my emotional state.

Advice?

Sounds like keeping contact to a minimum is what you need right now. And it's not abandonment! He is not your responsibility therefore you can't abandon him.

He has the resource he needs. He has someone helping him. Anything more is up to him. Pay him the compliment of letting him eb the adult he is and be responsible for whatever he does.

You might want to try some therapy to help you figure out what you can do to let go of responsibility is that is not yours to own.

It took me a long while to get to the place I was at when my son was active in his addiction. I went to lots and lots of Al-Anon meetings, plus open AA and NA meetings I never once walked out the doors of those meetings without feeling restored, renewed and full of hope.

I saw people there with worse problems than I had, and some with lesser burdens- but I learned from them all. For me, sometimes just sitting in a room full of understanding faces gives me the strength and help I need.

Thanks. I have a doctor's appointment this morning, and plan to ask for a referral to a counselor. I've also been attending Al-Anon. Last Friday I went to a very helpful session; yesterday's meeting was less helpful (two older ladies who just wished their husbands would die, one who has a restraining order out against her ex, and a gal who just got dumped by her alcoholic boyfriend). Kind of an angry crowd.

Osakis, I hope your healing efforts will help you to see that the above is exactly what you can and should be doing. You are not abandoning him; this is the epitome of loving detachment. It is enough. :hug: