MayaandMe

Hi,
I have recently asked my ABF to leave my house. He was sober for about 3 months and then he relapsed and has been drinking and going to meetings for about a month. Long story short, he crashed my car when he was drunk and has no money to pay for it.
Now that I have asked him to leave, I notice that I still want to check up on him. I have these desires to call his Mom's house and see how he is doing and at times, I think of trying to "move on" and get over all that has happened between us.
My question is, what things do people do to help themselves detach from someone else? I understand the idea of no contact, but we have a child and I would like for her to see him at least weekly. Can anyone share their experiences detaching and maybe where they made mistakes or any advice about what has worked.
Thanks for being here.
Susan

CatsPajamas

It was so incredibly hard for me at first to not want to know where he was or what he was doing or who he was doing it with. I wanted him GONE, no doubt about it, but I had been entangled in our toxic relationship for so long that I honestly didnt' know how to spend my time.

I talked to a few of my friends in recovery, and they agreed that I could call THEM when I wanted to call HIM. They would help me get back on track and to focus on the things in my world that needed my attention: my children, my house, my job etc. They also had me write down some of the things that had happened so I could review when I started to miss him.

It took time for me to heal. It took time for me to replace unhealthy behaviors and thoughts with healthier ones. It helped me to remember that I had not gotten to that unhealthy place over night, so it wasn't likely that I would instantly get better, either.

HUGS. I know how hard this is.

Bornwet

YMMV - but for me...

Total non-contact - every time she would find a way to contact me I plugged it.

I sat with my pain, I paid attention to it, felt it, looked at it. A lot of what I felt was fear. I just let go of my fear - besides what is the worst that could happen?

I did not want to race to feel better - I let time (still do) take it's course - I did not want to fast forward thru my life.

I learned to live in only this moment - I found if I did this I was at peace. I clear my mind of anything that keeps me from this moment - because this moment is all I have.

I have also learned to count the wonderful things I have learned about myself during the time I have spent with my XAGF. Try it you are much stronger than you think you are.

I also envisioned her being with someone else - I know this sounds strange but for me I got used to the idea and now I could care less.

Every time I felt like I was going to break down and contact her I did something nice for someone else. I felt good and the person receiving felt good - win/win.

For me I knew that in order to attract the life I really wanted I had to let go of the life (and her) I didn't. I had to make room for something else. If you're standing there in front of a desert table full of wonderful goodies and both of your hands are full of rotting food the only way you're going to be able to eat the goodies is to let go of the rotting food in your hands...

I opened myself up to the possibilities...

This is what worked for me

freeflower

IF you live with it long enough, you'll detach without even trying. Thats what happened to me. And bornwet, I love your line about rotton food, I'm going to jot that down.

genrs123

these were all really helpful.

here are some things that have helped me:

maybe you could write down your list of positive habits vs not so positive, to atleast be conscious.

you could also make a list of things to do instead of checking

try to keep busy. as a mom, you probably are.

staying mentally stimulated has really helped. and i have learned so much from listening to NPR!

write it down instead of contact ( believe NC too although that is obviously harder in your case).

wait before you respond or obsess. try to distract yourself for atleast 24 hours. if you feel differently tomorrow, than maybe consider

going to meetings REALLY helped.

i also am supposed to write down when i check his ... internet social networking site. ofcourse this hasnt curbed me from stalking him so far =(

and you know what else helps? reading about detachment!!!!!!!!!!!! it reminds us of the beauty in detachment and why we do it. it really reinforces this is the best decision (for me) right now.

MayaandMe

Thanks for your replies.
He came over last night under the guise of seeing our daughter, but he really wanted to use the internet.
When I talk to him I feel like my brain becomes scrambled eggs, I no longer understand what I thought I did before, and I have a hard time sticking to my point.
Thanks again!

CatsPajamas

MM, I used sticky notes. I put them near the places that I would be when I spoke to him. I put them near the front door, and near the phones, and near the computer. Oh, and on the mirror in the bathroom. I wrote positive affirmations to myself, and also reminders that he could twist me around and turn my brain to mush.

The one that helped me the most was "Kaaa". Remember the snake in the Jungle Book movie? The one that hynotized Mowgli? I was watching that movie with a friend's little boy and it jumped out at me. My ex was like Kaaa and I was like Mowgli. He was trying to hynotize me, and the outcome wasn't going to be a good one!

One of the last times he was in my apartment he asked me about the sticky note- why are there notes all over in here that say "Kaaa" and I just said they were a reminder for me.. And believe me, they helped.