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Old 12-09-2008, 02:32 PM
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Ph.D in insanity!!
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Thumbs up Journaling

I reread a journal I have been keeping for years. It was so sad and depressing. The one thing that popped out at me was how I did nothing to change my situation and it stayed the same but yet I complained for years. Granted I raised my children and wasn't in a big rush to go anywhere but I sure did waste a lot of my time worrying.
Now I'm wondering if I spent so many years complaining if I can ever be happy. It's like I've programmed myself to be miserable. Talk about a self examination.
My rah is back now and it's soooooooo hard to accept things the way they are because I've been so used to complaining about him. I need the little angel on my shoulder to remind me to accept the good........accept the good.
Has anyone else journaled through any of this? Have you noticed a pattern?
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Old 12-09-2008, 04:52 PM
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Yes Stubborn, I do journal and still have my diaries from 1994. I threw out the ones from before that on Christmas Eve, because I believed my relationship was so improved that I would turf the S**T and make a new beginning.

Now I only have 5 diaries full of misery and hell to look at for if this period of sobriety ends, because if he starts again, I am finished. I figure that if I miss him I just have to read thru them and will soon be cured of any need to have him back in my life. I deliberately don't read thru even the one I have now, just keep it up to date and so far so good, so am staying with that thought and hope things get even better.

Thru Alanon online, and here at SR, I am learning to take it day by day, be grateful for all the good times, and pass over the small bits that in the past would push my buttons. I also write those good times down as I need them to balance some nasty memories.

I look at it as what happened in the past as in the past, and concentrate on the now.

I know how hard it can be, and keep you in my prayers.

God bless


:praying
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Old 12-09-2008, 04:58 PM
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I f I had kept a journal in the 6 years I have been in this situation- It would probably depress me aswell- I hate to talk to even my closest friends about my issues with AH because- to be honest- I'm even tired of hearing about it and it's my life!!
I know people that know my situation say "Why doesn't she just get out" and probably other things I don't want to know about. I too found it hard (impossible) nearly to be happy even during sober,good times, because I was used to things being a certain way I guess- I was the martyr, he was the villain- I hate to admit that but for a long time- that was what I was and wanted to be in some sick way. I wish I had kept a journal- mabye I could have learnedfrom it now.
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Old 12-09-2008, 05:11 PM
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I don't keep a journal but I do write down things that really move me on SR. You guys say some amazing stuff sometimes and it needs to be writen down and remembered! Thanks.
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Old 12-09-2008, 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Stubborn1 View Post
Now I'm wondering if I spent so many years complaining if I can ever be happy. It's like I've programmed myself to be miserable.
This sounds like a valuable insight.

It used to really get under my skin when people in AlAnon or here on SR would insinuate that I was "getting something" out of my husband's alcoholism.
In my case, I enjoyed being his opposite.

I was the super responsible, uber-caring, tough, always-sacrificing mother.
He was the drunken, irresponsible, weak, selfish, poor-excuse-for-a-father.

His failures made me feel successful. I depended on them a great deal.

When I started to get better, to forgive and let go of my husband's alcoholism, I found myself faced with a great emptiness.

It felt pretty miserable at first.

Keep up the journal, keep up the meetings.
You'll find your way through to happiness.
There's always hope - for our alcoholics and for us.

-TC
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Old 12-09-2008, 06:18 PM
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Ph.D in insanity!!
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Thanks guys and girls. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. It felt foolish at first like "why would I want to remember" but it is a part of who I have become. Without reading them I don't think I would have realized that I am putting myself through more misery just because that is what I am used to at this point. I need to start letting go again but in a different way. Before was letting go with love and detaching. Now it's letting go of his past and detaching from it all over again so that I might open my heart and try to love him. I think one has to move over so the other can come in. Move out the misery and move in love. I hope that makes sense.
Always learning...........always learning.
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Old 12-09-2008, 06:30 PM
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When I first left xAH, I wrote down all my reasons why, the details of the incidents that really spelled out the end for me. I didn't want to forget, to allow myself to fall back into the "it wasn't that bad" mode of thinking.

I also journalled to work thru my feelings and explore the roots of my own issues. It has helped a great deal.
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Old 12-10-2008, 02:25 AM
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I often re read my entries not only in my journal but here on SR. They help me put things in perspective and show me how far I have become. The same way that reading posts here on SR help me stay on track. I remember all the chaos, pain and drama I participated in while living with my AH.

Like they say: those who don’t learn from the mistakes of the past are destined to repeat them.

For me I never want to go there again. K.
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Old 12-10-2008, 05:03 AM
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I have always loved to write in journals since I was about 10 or so. I hated re-reading them and criticized every thought I had and decision I made, turning it around on myself like some repeating masochistic ritual.

I recently decided to do some inner child work with my therapist and brought in a huge bag full of journals. Tearfully I told her how happy I was to have these awful things down on paper - that I could see how external things I could not control as a child made me repeat and reherse negative and incorrect thoughts of myself...until I started to believe them.

When I first started to re-read these about a year ago my breath was taken away and I started to think, how on earth can anyone so set up for failure be a useful and healthy human? Today I feel and believe that it can happen as long as I keep moving forward and away from where I've been.

It's hard, but I'm learning to understand, embrace and give comforting love to the sick co-dependent me whose words I was reading, instead of hating and judging her.

Great thread Stubborn!
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Old 12-10-2008, 06:09 AM
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I have that same experience all the time, cagefree. I look at this girl who went through so much shyte, was so in love with drama and chaos, so into the whole romantic-tragedy bs, so critical of everyone else AND of herself, and all her suffering........and then I can look at me, no Wonder Woman for sure but, a pretty darned good person. It's like reading a novel whose ending I'm still working on. Every day is,"What do I want in THIS chapter today? Will today be the day our heroine finally decides she will no longer 'take it' ?"
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Old 12-11-2008, 04:51 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
It's like reading a novel whose ending I'm still working on. Every day is,"What do I want in THIS chapter today? Will today be the day our heroine finally decides she will no longer 'take it' ?"
When I read this shivers went down my spine. That's exactly how I see it

What you wrote reminded me of a song written by Sting called "Book of my life" .

Let me watch by the fire and remember my days
And it may be a trick of the firelight
But the flickering pages that trouble my sight
Is a book I'm afraid to write

It's the book of my days, it's the book of my life
And it's cut like a fruit on the blade of a knife
And it's all there to see as the section reveals
There's some sorrow in every life

If it reads like a puzzle, a wandering maze
Then I won't understand 'til the end of my days
I'm still forced to remember,
Remember the words of my life

There are promises broken and promises kept
Angry words that were spoken, when I should have wept
There's a chapter of secrets, and words to confess
If I lose everything that I possess
There's a chapter on loss and a ghost who won't die
There's a chapter on love where the ink's never dry
There are sentences served in a prison I built out of lies.

Though the pages are numbered
I can't see where they lead
For the end is a mystery no-one can read
In the book of my life

There's a chapter on fathers a chapter on sons
There are pages of conflicts that nobody won
And the battles you lost and your bitter defeat,
There's a page where we fail to meet

There are tales of good fortune that couldn't be planned
There's a chapter on god that I don't understand
There's a promise of Heaven and Hell but I'm damned if I see

Though the pages are numbered
I can't see where they lead
For the end is a mystery no-one can read
In the book of my life

Now the daylight's returning
And if one sentence is true
All these pages are burning
And all that's left is you

Though the pages are numbered
I can't see where they lead
For the end is a mystery no-one can read
In the book of my life
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Old 12-11-2008, 05:06 AM
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hi stubborn,

great thread. one thing that stuck out for me was that you said you were complaining, and that you had a pattern- that nothing changed and you complained (is what i think i got from that i could be wrong). what are some things you can or are going to do differently????

i look back and although im sure its there, i only see the bad things or the chaos or negativity i brought to my XABF and not vice versa. i made a list of positive things im going to do for my next boyfriend (so i dont feel guilty) even though im working on me and me alone. but atleast im conscious.

i make a list of new and positive behaviors or habbits. and old, negative habbits that havent helped me at all. i cant say i dont do them, or have made tremendous project but it starts with acceptance and consciousness, right? now when im strong, i hope to look at the list and say, what positive healthy habbits or patterns can i do today, just a few of.
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