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Old 12-09-2008, 08:24 AM
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he's still here

I know i've probably posted more in the last two days than in the last year- I am really having a hard time today- AH is not speaking (good) last thing he said to me (night before last) is that he is tired of me and is going to do something about it- I said "go ahead"- I really think my marriage is over- why am I upset about that? A week ago he was proclaiming his love for me and a few days later this? Some weird and crazy part of me almost believes the crap he says about me- I know it's not my fault- but there is still that little peice of me that depressed,low self esteem suffering peice of me that says it is. AH really thinks he is better than me- I really believe he thinks if he had stayed on track with his life- he would be with someone "better" than me.(His family has alot of $- mine has none) He was a star college student and had a very bright career path- until alcohol entered the picture. In one of my last posts,I told you guys he had said that I needed to "be in a trailer park that it was more my speed"- He says things like that to me- he grew up in a three story home, I grew up in a trailer- slurs to make me feel bad- why is it working today?
I miss the sober times- I guess we all do when we are with the active drinker- I want that man who took me out,told me he loves me- I'm not sure he is
ever coming back- I want a real marriage.
Sorry for the ranting
maryann
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:38 AM
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(((Ellie)))

Know what? The one who determines how much you are worth is YOU! Now that's power! You just gotta use it.

I'm really sorry you are having a bad bit of time now. The hard times can be really ... hard.

I'm looking forward to posts down the road when things are looking so much better for you. It will happen, if you keep taking the next right step, hard as they are, now.

CLMI
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:38 AM
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(((maryann)))

I stayed too long listening to this crap myself. Today, there isn't a nasty thing xAH could say to me that would make an impression or hurt my feelings. He no longer has the power.

Al Anon, therapy and reaching out to sane people helped me enormously.

Keep posting!
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
Al Anon, therapy and reaching out to sane people helped me enormously.

Keep posting!
Amen to that! Alanon has helped me tremendously in all aspects of my life!
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:56 AM
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(((maryann )))

HUGS! TO YOU!!!
sorry you are feeling so down.
Sometimes these days seem to get at us! Try to just put a smile on your face, hold your head up and fake it til you make it! You ARE better than what his is lying to you about! Dont let him know that his words get to you! I know how hard it can be! I have been putting this fake it til you make it and it has been helping, if nothing else I have a pretty smile and people tell me!!! :o)
Keep posting and try to get to Al-anon as they can really help in the sanity department!
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:58 AM
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I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I know it hurts, but they are only words (as if saying that changes how you feel).

In my opinion, he is lashing out at you becasue he feels badly about himself. He had many advanatages in life and he has squandered them. In an attempt to make himself feel or at least seem like the "big man" he wants to be, he is trying to lower you. You don't deserve to be treated like that. So what where you grew up as long as you grew up...he didn't grow up.

My exabf and I both grew up in comfortable settings. We both went to private schools, college and grad school (I am still in it). His parents died, left him a lot of money and he quit working, he was a lawyer (I actually think the firm asked him to quit, but he has never admitted that). He has done nothing for the last 3 1/2 years except get drunk, go through the motions of treament (he has since quit) and make promises he doesn't keep. Recently, as we are now spilt and he has moved on to a new woman, he tells people that I was after his money. This is completely untrue. Although, it is very hurtful to me I realize that he wants to put me down and make me look bad to take the focus off of the REAL issue...HIS alcoholism and out of control behavior.

Your husband sounds like he is doing the same thing. Trying to blame you and take the focus off of himself and HIS behavior.

I know that it hurts. All I can say is that I struggle with that mean projection too. If you can maybe see that he is full of it and his goal is to bring you down because he is sick and down, then maybe you can find detachment or mental distance from the ugly words.

You deserve a real relationship with someone who builds you up.
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:59 AM
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HUGS!!!

Keep on working on your recovery. All that stuff he's saying is just his way of putting the blame on you for the fact that he ruined HIS life. The truth is that once the addiction gets to a certain point the addict usually messes up their career or just doesn't have the drive they once had. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Addiction also loves keeping "loved ones" off balance. What better way then loving one minute and talking of leaving the next. We end up confused and trapped. That's why we need recovery too.

I know it's hard, but don't listen to him. His words are addictions poison darts shot to confuse your mind. I try reading as much as I can on addiction and co-dependency. I think it really helps.

I'll be praying for you!

PS. I've come from lots of money; had little money; now have lots of money. It doesn't mean anyone is better then anyone. In fact when I had very little money was the only time I had no addicts in my and my children's lives and everyone remembers it as our most happy time! I'll take that trailer park any day!
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Old 12-09-2008, 09:27 AM
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One thing that helped me was to accept that I could not expect rational thought or action from my xAH since he was (is) an active alcoholic. It doesn't pay to try to understand the irrational.

Changing my focus from him, his thought process, his reasons, on to me and my needs, behaviors and thought processes helped me to begin to heal and to begin figuring out what I needed to do to give myself the life I wanted and deserve.
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:38 AM
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He is QUACKING. He is pointing the finger so he doesn't have to look at himself.

I also have to say that just because someone gets sober doesn't mean the QUACKING stops. I even QUACKED in my journal writing, rofl. I look back now and read those early journals, and see just how 'full of IT' I was. And if I was writing that bs in my journal, HP only knows what I was saying to others.

It hurts, yes, but you do not have to give his words power. I personally feel he doesn't feel real good about himself right now and he points the finger at you to blame you. What he hasn't figured out yet is that when he points the finger at you, he has 3 pointing back at himself.

Money, property, and prestige do not buy happiness or happiness make. Those were my parents 'Gods' for years and years and I saw what it did to them.

It's not where you come from, it's what YOU as an individual do that counts. That includes how one treats others.

So...............................................n o your are definitely not 'beneath' him.

You will have to decide for you, what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not.

In the meantime, rant away! Keep posting, let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:51 AM
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thanks to all- I know I am not beneath him- and God help me- I am trying to get past my low self esteem and not let it bug me-His mother (who I care deeply for) is trying to get him to leave me. Yes- that should make me alot madder than it does- but I know in her own (very controlling) way, she is trying to protect her granddaughter. What bothers me is that when all this is going on - his mom is always afaid he might be "mad" at her- they have been through h*ll with him for longer than me- yet they still control,enable- I know they do it out of love- but gee!!
Thanks for all the input- it is wonderful to have this place to come and (quack) talk!!!
maryann
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Old 12-09-2008, 12:28 PM
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I read a book that helped me greatly in dealing with verbal/emotional abuse called, "Why Does he Do That?...Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
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Old 12-09-2008, 12:38 PM
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I learned in Cognitive Behavior Therapy that "all or nothing" thinking made me either depressed or angry - like either it is all my fault or someone else is to blame etc. I learned to strive for rational thinking - rational assessments of my situation.

I accept 50% of the "fault" for the end of my marriage. But only 50%. No more- no less. When I got out of the marriage I focused on ways I could change, because I really didn't like who I had let myself become. Accepting my fair share (but only my fair share) was a huge relief- I didn't have to beat myself up anymore - I just had to decide what changes do I want to see - in ME?

Good luck- I'm glad you're posting lots - you're bringing up timeless issues and interesting stuff!
peace-
B.
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Old 12-09-2008, 04:49 PM
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Smile

I really can take blame in all this too- (I don't think I'll take quite 50%
But seriously I know he's not the only one with a problem- at this point who is sicker- me or him- who knows.
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