antreeta

Hello all,
Thanks for being here. I am unable to get in contact with Al Anon people and I need to talk.
I know these programs work.
I have been detaching from my husband more and more. He will have 2 years sobriety at the end of next month. I have learned to leave him alone, I used to follow him room to room. It was pathetic. Now I am busy working on me regarding him, that he is coming to seek me out. Just to sit with me, wow.
I am learning how to set boundaries with his gambling addiction. It is just like when he was drinking and wants his fix, beg me for money when he is out of money, follows me room to room, "please, baby." He is learning not to ask for money.
It is all slowly coming about.

My daughter, (she is 20) I had made a firm resolution 2 weeks ago, that I was not going to help her anymore. She parties occassionally, I actually not really sure, that is what I am told. BUT, she is at a party usually 4 nights a week, with drinking and drugging. (I have been there myself, when I was really sick, hang around all that stuff but not partake). But last week, she got really sick she is without wheels, so I take her to the doctor, and is a misdiagnoses after another. I felt so helpless and she was in so much pain, running a fever and I was imagining she was going to go into septic shock. Well, it all comes down to she has herpes. Well, to me that was a relief. I don't know why, this is so ugly of me, but I felft like it will slow her down and give her a wake up call.
She has to move out of her apartment in 2 days and she missed all last week of work because of her illness. Now, I offered for her to move in, but her roommates and she are still trying to get a place, of course, with no money also. She was evicted 2 months ago, when she was with a prior roomate.
Now, also, over the weekend she gets a letter from the postmaster general, she is being charged with mail fraud, someone at her old place used her name and social security number without her permission.
My gut says that she is not so innocent as she sounds about
1. How much she uses. 2. How she really spends her money
3. Her real role in the mail fraud.
Then I get to thinking about all the mistakes I made and how much help I needed until I got it together.
It is so hard just to be a parent but when you are a codependent, it is even that much worse. I try to put her in God's hands, but I keep pulling her out. Why can't I leave her troubles with her? They are not mine, she is a legal adult. Why can't I get the 5 year old girl out of my head, that I see her to be?
Why can't she act right? (I know the answers, but I need to say them)
Now my oldest boy, just now asked to borrow $50. for the first time after he moved out 3 years ago. They are so different. but my sick self, started feeling like a hero, "I am rescuing my son."
I need help.
You guys keep telling your stories, because it makes all stronger to when we are all here together. Thanks for listening.

Ann

antreeta

I am so happy that this program is working for you. It can be a struggle sometimes, but is worth every ounce of effort just to get our life back.

I am sorry about your daughter. As a mom of an addict I know the pain. My suggestion would be to step cautiously if you let her move home. My honest suggestion would be to not allow it because it almost always ends in disaster leaving us crumpled in a heap. But if you choose to try it, please make sure your boundaries are clear and in place.

I'm sending hugs and prayers that your strength and courage will just keep holding you up for sunshine in your life every day.

Hugs
Ann

antreeta

Thank you, thank you for your reply. That is what my gut says.....not to let her back in. Those friends would come seek her out. But it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I think it would be easier to cut off my arm.
It is such a blessing to have people who are in similar situations.

Remember when they were little and we had to punish them for something they did wrong, and we said it hurts me more than it hurts you.......Those sure are prophetic words.

liddy

Hi ((Antreeta))
sending thoughts your way and relating to the feelings with your daughter. Mine came out of about the 5th detox in one year.
and after seeing her this weekend I dont think the sobriety will last .. they wanted her to go back to another 90 day in house program because of her history, she thinks the councelor doesnt know her enough to reach that conclusion, that this time she realy wants it. I think she always wants it she just can't do it !
She went to alanon with me on Fri (her idea) but her and her husband spent the weekend and she didnt go to any other meetings, stayed sort of cranky (but sober)
Remember, detaching still means we love and care we just can't do !
Keep the hope
hugs
liddy

antreeta

Thank you all for your replies. Well, I don't know really how much of what my daughter uses. But I just know her behavior is out of control. Hopefully, she won't have to go through what your children are going through before she realizes she is self destructing.
She is staying here for a week. She and her roommates supposedly have a place in 5 business days. But I set some boundaries, the things she wanted was just ridiculous. She wanted to bring her cats and one of her roommates. My husband is allergic to cats. That was easy. But saying no to her roommate was harder. You know, sometimes, you see potential in these kids and it is so hard to make them to do it on there own.
I will keep you all in my prayers and thanks so much for your support.

Ann

antreeta

I'm walking on eggshells as I say this...so please know that I am just sharing my experience and say it with love AND compassion....HIDE YOUR VALUABLES!. Pheww there I said it.

Sorry, just a precaution. You truly have all my love, respect and prayers for the week she will be there (and even after). Just know that I care and we're here for you if you need a venting booth.

But don't forget to hide your valuables!!!

Huge hugs from one mom to another
Ann

antreeta

Thanks Ann. That is what my husband said. "Lock up the stuff."
"Be sure to get the keys back." Yup. I am taking precautions.
She is exhausted right now and still went to work. Thanks for being here. I am cautious. Hopefully, won't let my guard down.