Mr B

My AXGF went into a 5-week rehab a week or so ago, financed by a well-meaning, if a touch naive, mutual friend. I've just received a letter from her which is fairly well packed with self-pitying whining about how horrible it is there etc :chatter but also asking that the children and I come along to a "family afternoon" at the rehab center next week. The afternoon will include some time with the counsellors there talking about addiction as well as time for the kids to have dinner there with AXGF.

My initial gut reaction was "No". Even if this does mark her bottom (which, personally, I doubt), this early in recovery I think she'll be just way too self-centered for the children to get anything out of it other than "there's mummy, and she's still only talking about herself." But then the old codie doubts start creeping in, the "what if...?" and "but maybe..."

Hence this post. This represents a reminder to myself that I will not be taking my children to see their mother in rehab. They know where she is, they know she's safe and being looked after, and they know that I'm here to make sure that they are safe and being looked after. She is in no fit state to give them what they need right now.

Mr B.

Freedom1990

May I say you made my day with your post? :ghug :ghug

Good for you for putting your children first, and ignoring that codie thinking!

Barbara52

Sounds like a wise choice for the children.

GiveLove

If you can find one good thing in this for your children, then by all means, go.

I personally don't see one, and I applaud you Mr. B.

TTOSBT

Wonderful Mr B!
The only thing that matters in that scenario is whether it is what is best for the kids.
I do not see how it would be good for them at all.
So, yay! They will see Mommy when she is back and sober.

coyote21

What she said.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

denny57

I'm with you, Mr. B. She's their mother today and she'll be their mother still at the end of the 5 weeks.

Following my instincts, my blinks, has served me well the last 3 years of recovery.

((( )))

equinessa

What do the kids want to do?

Barbara52

When I was taken to see my mother in the hospital after she was recovering from what was called nervous breakdown (Lord knows what the real diagnosis was) it scared the bejesus out of me as a child. I had problems over the issues that visit raised for a long time afterward. It can indeed do harm.

Rehab may be a tad different. I don't know having never been in a rehab facility. But, if their father thinks it's in the best interests of the children, I will trust his judgement.

equinessa

Are you going to tell them that you are not allowing them to see their mother? (if that is what you decide). Because if you don't tell them, you had better be prepared for the fact that sooner or later someone will. And though your motives may be well intentioned, guess who will get the blame?

Barbara52

Yup, that's what we share in here, our experiences.


Yup, that's what I said.

It may be harmful to the mother. I have no idea. That is not my focus. I do know children can indeed be harmed by contact with a parent who is not capable (in the judgement of their father) of giving the children what they need. I would put the needs of the children first over the parent in rehab. It is an unfortunate consequence of her choices in the past. Its not punishment. Its a natural consequence. And as Denny said, 5 weeks isn't that long. She will still be their mother then and can work at rebuilding her relationship with the children then.

denny57

I have no idea if she is trying to be a better person. What I do know is the father of the children is posting here about his concerns. I don't see anything punitive in the OP. I fail to see where waiting 4 more weeks if/until the end of rehab can be harmful to children who may, at this point, have been exposed to quite a confusing and chaotic atmosphere.

I don't personally know any of these people. Mr. B, I applaud you making tough choices with your children's best interests in mind. I imagine it cannot be easy.

Barbara52

Disagreement does NOT equal bitcy an stupid. I understand you have a different point of view. I congratulate you on doing well with your children.

But my perspective is different and I tend to look at things from the perspective of one affected by the alcoholism of other (my parents and my xAH) and support MrB's desire to act in the way he thins is best for his children since he is the one with the personal experience here.

equinessa

Do the children want to see their mummy?

Are you going to tell the children that their mummy has requested they visit etc?

I'm asking because I wonder if secrecy about the invitation to visit is worse than your perceived view of the effect of a visit.

I don't know your situation but "a week or so" seems a long time for children not to have contact with their mother.

Mr B

Wow, thanks to everyone for your thoughts. I must admit I wasn't expecting this kind of response...

I did write a long message justifying why I'm making this decision but I have decided not to post it. I see comments from people who have lived the kind of life I have, and others from people who have not. I think Denny57's point of "she'll still be their mother after five weeks" hits the nail on the head for me. They've barely seen her since August anyway.

To respond to Equinessa's question: Yes, the children do want to see their mother, but not when she's going through withdrawal as it scares them. They want to see her well. I will let them know about the invitation but I will also tell them that we will not be going, and give them my reasons why.

One final thing: Brainfried, you say that my AXGF is you. She's not. She has never done what you have done for your children.

Thanks again,
Mr B.

Bernadette

Hi Mr B.
Wow what a tough decision--
I know I have made some very, VERY bad decisions in the past when I jump to do what I imagine is right for the alcoholic, what I imagine will make them feel better, what I imagine they want or need - never giving enough weight or consideration to what I need or what is best for ME! It's a hallmark of this "family" disease that it always becomes all about THEM!

Good job thinking it through since you have to consider both yourself and your children. If she's serious about getting sober she will see that all is well and in good time she can perhaps mend some of her relationship with her kids.

We can never expect understanding from the alcoholic when we have started to take steps to protect ourselves and our children - they usually cannot fathom what they have put us through!!
(((hugs)))
good luck-
peace-
B.

Freedom1990

Mr. B, I still support your decision wholeheartedly, and the fact that they clearly state she scares them when going through withdrawals would seal the deal for me too.

I would also like to address brainfried's post in regards to children and parents in active addiction. I am delighted that you have done well with your children, even in active addiction.

My oldest daughter was eight years old when I got into recovery.

That daughter is now 30 years old, and an active addict in spite of several stays in jail, a divorce, losing custody of her children, and overdosing.

I think it does a great injustice to make a blanket statement that no child should ever be kept from a parent even in active addiction because every circumstance is different.

There was a tremendous amount of damage done to my oldest daughter when I was in my active addictions, damage that I can never undo. The best amends I can make in those circumstances is to continue in my recovery and make myself a little better person each day.

Yes, I realize she is now an adult, and it is up to her to deal with those issues, but to deny that I had no part in damaging her is nothing short of insanity. Her father WAS the sane, non-using parent, did try to sue for custody, but I had the better attorney thanks to my parents.

denny57

Thank you for sharing, Freedom.

Mr B

Bernadette, that is something that has taken me a surprisingly long time to really "get". For the best part of a decade, half of my adult life, I was making decisions primarily. often solely, based on what her opinion of that decision would be. We split up over two years ago. It's only been over the last few months that I've even realised just how insidious and pervasive that thinking is with me. My kids have been living full-time with me for the last 18 months yet even now, if I'm not paying attention, whenever I make even a minor decision about the kids I'll start wondering, and often fretting, about what AXGF will think about it. In the past I've made some (in hindsight) unbelievably dumb choices by taking too much account of her feelings and opinions.

I'm now taking active steps to make decisions without considering what effect those decisions will have on AXGF or what her opinion might be. Decisions about my life are now based on what effect those decisions will have on me and my children. I don't try to make decisions to placate AXGF, to punish her, to support her, or to try to elicit any particular response from her. I try to do what I think is right for me and my kids. If that suits AXGF or works to her advantage then great - everybody wins. If it doesn't, then that's just too bad.

I suspect only another codie would understand just how deeply wrong that kind of thinking feels for me and yet, at the same time, strangely liberating. I think it comes back to the idea of letting other people take responsibility for their own feelings but arrived at in a roundabout, applied way. I think it's the right thing to do but, boy, does it feel uncomfortable at times...

Thanks,
Mr B.

Barbara52

Sounds to me as if you are doing great, both for yourself and those kids. {hugs}