AXGF in rehab, wants to see our children

Old 12-09-2008, 04:38 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Ph.D in insanity!!
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When it came down to my children and my addict husband I woudl not allow them visits as long as he was an active A. If he is sober I let him know what I expect as far as behavioor towards my children go. They did see him but on my terms. I knew he wasn't going to harm them mentally. I also know they don't forget things and if I don't allow visitations at times then I might have to deal with them resenting me later in their life.
Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lay. I do everything for my children. Depending oon their age I think they deserve a choice.
What if the show were on the other foot? Hard to imagine.
Would you be willing to go see her and maybe allow them to write letters to her where she can write them back? Just an idea.
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Old 12-09-2008, 04:50 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I would just like to say that sometimes it makes sense to read a person's history before repsonding. Especially if you have a strong opinion on the subject.

Mr. B has been dealing with this situation for years. There have been many attempts to unite the children with their mother. Those attempts have not been successful for the children. His children have been through a lot and I believe he is the only one who knows what's best for them at this point in time.

I can see no reason to rush into contact after 1 week in rehab. Time will tell if she is stable enough to have contact with the children.

Keep listening to your gut Mr. B.

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Old 12-09-2008, 05:06 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Mr B View Post
I suspect only another codie would understand just how deeply wrong that kind of thinking feels for me and yet, at the same time, strangely liberating. I think it comes back to the idea of letting other people take responsibility for their own feelings but arrived at in a roundabout, applied way. I think it's the right thing to do but, boy, does it feel uncomfortable at times...
I completely understand that, and the avoidance of that discomfort kept me in people-pleasing mode, and spinning my wheels as far as making any progress in addressing my codependency issues!
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Old 12-09-2008, 05:23 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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boy, does it feel uncomfortable at times...
No kidding- excruciatingly uncomfortable at times.. and like Freedom said avoidance of that discomfort kept me stuck and not behaving in my interests for a long time too.

I have found that each time I stay in it - just walk through the discomfort - I emerge a wee bit stronger and clearer-headed...for me it takes a lot of discipline - I actually had to spend a year practically just saying "No." to every request until I was comfortable with that word!

I hope the weeks ahead are peaceful for you and your children Mr. B.
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