hollygoheavy

Thank-you all for your responses, I must say that there was quite a diverse collection of opinions!
After a day apart to "think about" the situation he came home to admit that the "utimatum" was very unfair to me, much to my relief... He attended a meeting before arriving home and spoke a few members who advised him that this was not the "answer" to this issue. He also strongly suggested that i not change my "lifestyle" as this was his problem and was going to own it. In turn I decided that I would curtail my enjoyment of wine as I have discovered that depending on his "spiritual fitness" (THANK-YOU MARK) I feel like I am walking on egg shells...
Now, after all this conversation he got up at 3:30 a.m. and proceeded to inform me that he had alot things on his mind, mostly work, and could not sleep. He informed me that he was going to the gym and then to the office to catch up on some work that needed immediate attention. I was very uncomfortable with this... I suppose this is a reaction of fear stemming from my last relationship (a liar and a cheater) however this "new" behaviour made me nervous... perhaps I do not understand the mind of an alcoholic and the need for him to awaken in the middle of the night with "stuff on his mind"... I did let him know that I was uncomfortable with this and we talked until 6 a.m. and fell asleep untill 8. I feel somewaht confused today, perhaps from a lack of sleep...

ToughChoices

I can understand feeling weird about someone getting up and leaving in the middle of the night - especially if you've got some negative history in that area.

Having said that, I brought a lot of trouble on myself by assuming that all of my husband's problems had something to do with me - either in their origin or their solution.

I've thought:
"He can't sleep so he must be mad at me."
"I bet he's thinking about our fight."
"He probably doesn't even want to be in the same room with me."

Who knows what he's thinking?
I sure did keep myself awake trying to guess.
I found some peace when I decided to just roll over and go back to sleep.
I own my business, and my husband owns his.

If what he's telling you (lots of work, stuff on his mind) doesn't turn out to be the truth - well, how were you supposed to know?
I'm not a mind-reader and (I'm willing to bet) neither are you.

Hugs to you today, holly.
-TC

hollygoheavy

Thank-you!! you are absolutely right!! I am not going to even bother dusting off my crystal ball.....

Mark75

Thank you Holly!! I agree with the advice he got from AA. I know in my heart that it is the right way to think. But it's nice you are meeting him halfway... Just for today, right .

This issue is turning out to be pretty tough for my wife and I. Last nite she came home from being away over the weekend. I wasn't feeling spiritually fit enough to be around any alcohol (home alone all weekend...) and she had just come home from a 5 hour drive. I was looking forward to seeing her, she was looking forward to telling me about the weekend. She poured herself a white wine. I told her I'd wait for her in bed and we'd talk then.

Well, we fought then. She feels like it is my problem to own, and I agree, but some nights I'm just still not spiritually fit enough to do that. She felt like I should have just "sucked it up" so we could talk and I could hear about her weekend with our daughter at college.

It was sad.

You know what - about 2:00 am, I couldn't sleep, *I* almost went out, to the office, wherever. I was just so confused and agitated. Instead I put on my headphones and iPod and listened to my favorite meditation music. I got to sleep eventually and felt better. Has your SO tried the meditation music thing ? - it really helps at times like those.

My wife and I are still not talking, but after so many years together, I know her and she me... we'll get through this...

Thanx again!!

GiveLove

I know that lack of sleep can make me feel like I have a heavy, wet, wool blanket over my brain.

I also have insomnia often, and if I had a gym/office that was easy to get to, I probably would do so. But I'd fully expect people to think me a real weirdo!

See how you feel after a couple of nights' rest, holly?

P.S. pleased to see his thought processes here....