savingmein2017

Mediation with SBXAH today...... no progress at all... ... SBXAH refuses to pay court ordered spousal support...SBXAH is currently in contempt of court : hearing on Mar 3........... I'm receiving text messages advising he is out with his new bar chick girlfriend..... yet I'm left with all the marital debt ( why) because everything is in my name (he has no credit) and never has
my tears are flowing and i cant stop them

Nata1980

Hang in there. Cry if you want to. I can relate. It gets better.

Sorry to hear you are hurt. At least you a rid of him - something to celebrate.

And whoever sends you these text messages - block 'em. I had to advise all XAHs relatives not to speak to me about him.

maia1234

S,
Hon, I'm so sorry. It hurts a ton. It just plain stinks.

Don't keep thinking his drunken life is so wonderful. Remember, it's hard now, but look at the big picture. He will soon be out of your life. You can and will rebuild.

Deep breaths and say the serenity prayer over and over.

savingmein2017

its funny though ..SBXAH(who's almost 50 by the way) could never put the booze and partying to the side to save our marriage but now he can take bar chick to comedy shows / wine and dine.... etc.

honeypig

Exactly. You are setting out for a new life that WILL be happy, joyous and free, even if it seems really hard to see that right now.

He, on the other hand, will be going further and further down the rathole of alcoholism, and I don't think you'll find anyone who will tell you that it will end up anyplace good, anyplace you'd want to be.

Cry as much as you need to, then dry your eyes and take that next step forward. The sun always comes up, and you're going to be OK.

savingmein2017

I thought I was done with shedding..... He comes to mediation ( pro se) attacking my attorney and the mediator. All they were trying to do is tell him you don't just get to walk away and bar hop with your chick and leave your wife burden with all the marital debt. He says " she has managed to pay the bills for a year by herself. Whats the problem"
During the marriage he drank and left the rest of our affairs to me.....But Friday morning SBXAHenter comes to mediation ( pro se) with a file stacked high ready to attack me and goes out on the town the same night..... i just don't know if I can make it through this.

savingmein2017

*shedding tears

honeypig

LexieCat

I can't wait till he trots out that argument in front of the judge at his contempt hearing. Imagine how it plays in criminal court. "Hey, what's the problem with robbing the bank? They still have money to give their customers, right?"

I'm sorry you are in such pain, but doesn't this confirm that you did the right thing by asking him to leave?

FeelingGreat

You have a good cry for all his disgusting behaviour then in the morning, hold your head high and carry on. Life does and will get better.

He's in contempt of court and his attitude to the mediator will have been noted. V dangerous path he's treading.

savingmein2017

LexieCat
"doesn't this confirm that you did the right thing by asking him to leave? "

I really don't know.... I'm all alone and he is out on the town. I'm struggling to pay the marital debts , attny and finish school> and he doesn't care.
And bar chick approached a mutual friend and said " he has told her the whole story about me" huh?? Me ? who loved this man for almost 12 years ..I put my credit one the line for him( nice brand new truck) he won't even make the payment on.. dealt with the drunken every Friday / Saturday 3am nights out . I could go on for days. etc

savingmein2017

All I can see is I traded one mentally torching situation for another

honeypig

But here is the difference: If you stayed with him, it would never get any better; in fact, it would get worse. You would have turned over control of your life to someone whose only concern is drinking, and you would be nothing but a means to that end or a barrier in his path. Neither of those makes for a fulfilling, happy life situation.

By striking out on your own, you now have the ability to control your OWN life, to make it what you want to be. If you'd stayed w/him, this would not be an option.

Read some of the threads below. Go back and read your own old posts. Then see if you feel better and stronger afterwards. The long view is what is important now, not just how bad things feel in this moment.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

savingmein2017

Thank you honeypig
I'm in bad shape if I can't see life past a mental abuser. The martial debts are so high and he rather be in contempt than pay his share. He rather take bar chick out on the town than help his wife? his support? I'm so hurt and I can't breathe
sometimes.

FeelingGreat

You're focusing on the fact that he's seeing someone, but the reason he's found a 'bar chick' is that he can't handle reality and the consequences of his actions. I doubt there's anything more to it than him hiding his head in the sand and drinking because recent events have challenged his maturity and ability to cope.

You have tried to hold him up to decent adult standards, and he is completely incapable of acting like one without you propping him up all the way. He's losing far more than you.

Don't assume that anyone judges you because of him telling his version of a story. I'm sure they have a pretty accurate picture of him.

I hope you have possession of the truck.

honeypig

Yep. That is exactly what his preference is. Like they say around here, he's showing you who he is, and you'd be smart to believe him, b/c that is the truth. This is who he is, regardless of who you thought he was when you met or when you married or whenever. This is who he is now.

Here's something a wise SR member posted some time ago, and I saved it b/c I needed to remember it too:

I saw a posting on Facebook about my X and his"wonderful new life" and "wonderful new GF." I try to think of it this way- If I threw a moldy sandwich in a Dumpster, would I really be jealous of the person who was so starved for crumbs that they would dive in the Dumpster to pick it up?

Don't you think you deserve more than crumbs? Hold your head up.

LexieCat

I'd also tell "mutual friend" (and any other friends) that you do not care to hear reports on what he's doing, or what anyone is saying. It does you no good and is only making you feel bad right now. He will do what he does--you don't need to have a front-row seat. With some time and distance you won't care any longer how exactly he is living his life--you will be grateful he's out of yours.

The court will deal with the debt and his failure to pay. Courts do not take kindly to deadbeats--especially those with lame excuses. They expect their orders to be obeyed.

Let your lawyer deal with the court stuff. Try to work on your own healing.

And honeypig's right. This situation would NOT have improved--it would have gotten worse. Your current situation is temporary. I know it doesn't feel possible now, but you WILL be happy again. Some day--I promise--you will look back and be thankful you ended this when you did.

savingmein2017

FeelingGreat
"I hope you have possession of the truck. "

Yes , i have possession of everything. Everything is in my name ( house , credit cards , 4 vehicles etc) He never had credit(smh) And I was trying to be the good wife and now the joke is on me ( i guess)
I'm just exhausted and tired of all the lies he tells. ( in mediation he says I put him out) huh ... so I pull out my phone and say please explain this text I received from you at 2am on the day you left ( with the words I'm leaving at daybreak)

savingmein2017

i know this man is a coward. I know he does not Love me( how can you and do the things he has done)
Why can't I be angry? why I'm I so broken after a year of this. I haven't seen him in months and after mediation ; my emotions are back to when he first walked out.

savingmein2017

I'm not suicidal at all ... but I'm tired of felling like this .. I'm so tired of being dragged through the mud. He says he prepared to fight me ( pro se) by the way. I ask why prepare for a battle..You are the one who walked out. He ignores the question and continues to argue with my attorney. He even had the nerve to file a motion requesting to see my contract with my attorney. I say to him just stop it please. The only one who wins is the attorney. He says "exactly and that's why He doesn't have an attny so how can I afford one. AH says this supports his argument that I don't need spousal support"