JerseyGirl

This is my first post here, just discovered the web site tonight.

I have been dating (off and on) a man since June of this year. When we met, he was 2 years sober. We stopped seeing each other for the later part of the summer (he got involved with someone else) and during those few weeks, he began drinking (she was staying with him several days at a time, she was drinking heavily - secretly at first and then openly - and shortly after he began drinking as well).

We reconciled in September - first as mostly friends....he was still drinking heavily, though he had *detoxed* twice at the ER - both times he fell back into drinking almost immediately. When we were back in touch, he was drinking over a quart of vodka a day, and was not functioning (not getting to work, not eating, etc). Pretty much a mess, but asking for help.

I did help him locate some resources, and his last drink was 6 weeks ago. We have fallen back into a relationship of sorts - I do see him just about every day, and he knows he can talk to me about stuff he can't talk to his family about (he lives with family). He does not seem to have close friends. I spent Thanksgiving with him and his family, and he has referred to me as his "girlfriend"

So - there is a lot of stuff going on, and I am sure in time I will post about specifics. I am also considering going to an alanon meeting - though I am generally not a "joiner", I thought it would be worth a look.

But, here is my pressing question.

He goes to his AA meetings several times a week. Three nights a week, he goes to the same ones - where he gets there early and stays late because he sets up & breaks down the room. He also often goes on Saturdays & Sundays as well. So, basically, there are two nights out to the week he is not going. He was pretty much going this often when I first met him as well (before his recent drinking binge).

I totally support his going - I think he NEEDS to be going - and have not (and will not) ever say anything other than that to him. But...it is hard sometimes....it is hard dating someone who runs out the door almost every evening to go to his meetings. It gets lonely. I feel like I spend more time alone than I ever have before. I do have girlfriends in the area, and do meet up with them on occasion, but always have to attend things alone, and many many nights, I find myself sitting alone in my apartment, because he stops by but has to leave by 6:30 or so to go set up meetings. Sometimes he will stop by after one (though often he goes straight home) - but even when he does he is tired and distracted and I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

So, does anyone else have trouble with sitting home alone night after night while their SO/spouse is out at meetings?

If you read this far...thanks for listening :ghug

baileyboop

I remember those days...but those days were brief in my relationship. Toward the end, I was begging for those days to return. What I have found is relationships with alcoholics can be quite lonely period. I can't answer what it is like after long term sobriety cause my X and I never got past 6 months. But I actually prefered the frequent evening meetings over the binge absences for several reasons. Primarily, when he was actively drinking and during the times he was actually abstaining from drinking but not attending meetings, he was hell to live with. His attitude stunk, he had this I can do whatever I please attitude, followed by bouts of emotional unavailability. When he was attending regular meetings and serious, he was pleasant to be around when he was home. That was my experience.

prodigal

Most of us have, or do, sit alone evenings while the A in our lives is out with his drinking buddies, running around with other women, or passed out drunk somewhere in the house, car, or garage.

My AH is passed out right now. He is generally passed out from Friday evening until Monday morning. If he is "awake" he is pretty incoherent. He staggers in and out of the kitchen from his side of the house (I live on the other side) to get a refill of booze.

I've been sitting alone with a drunk for four years. What did I do about it? Got on this board. Got into Al-Anon (no, I am NOT a joiner either!). Got into counseling with a specialist in addictions and codependency. Kept going to college online and in the classroom.

I will graduate in May with a double bachelor's degree. I go to the movies alone, out to dinner alone, and cultivate friendships alone.

Lonely? Initially, yes. But I started working hard on me. Me, ME, ME. The loneliest times in my life have been when I tried to drag the A in my life along in an attempt to have a "normal" life.

No thanks. No more. Do I get lonely doing things by myself? Not very often. I have Al-Anon friends. I have SR friends. And I enjoy meeting people, so I get to hear a lot of folks tell me their life stories. Ask someone like a store manager a few questions and just watch them open up. I was in Toys-R-Us today and spent an hour talking to the manager who is a single mom who has raised three kids. She was thankful to have an adult to speak to! And I enjoyed hearing her story.

It may be difficult for you right now, but I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I'd much rather be alone knowing the A in my life was fighting for his sobriety regardless of the cost rather than passed out on a sofa from drinking.

Jadmack25

"I'd much rather be alone knowing the A in my life was fighting for his sobriety regardless of the cost rather than passed out on a sofa from drinking."

Oh YES, Prodigal is so right. It is a different "loneliness", sometimes tinged with envy that they are out, busy doing something and we are on our own - yet again.

I have had the passed out man, the aggro, abusive and uncontrollable moron, the " I am the party" man, and "the stud, over and over again. Also been with mr Sober but dry drunk and he was nearly as bad as the damned drunk. This time much better, but I would sell my soul for him to even try AA a couple more times, let alone really work at it.

Ago

The only experience I have with this particular situation is as "The Alcoholic" although I have dated a woman with long term sobriety, we both had long term sobriety and each had our own "meeting nights".

I ended up moving away to help my family, but we are great friends and she still holds me up as "the Gold Standard" of a loving, kind, man with integrity, so a relationship with a recovering alcoholic is possible to be healthy and happy. It's the practicing alcoholic or the 'dry drunk" that can be so harmful.

Some questions you may want to ask yourself, if he is "just" a boyfriend, would you rather have a "full-time" 24/7 boyfriend that is a complete mess, or a 3-4 day a week boyfriend who has the ability to commit, and if he has a decent sponsor, will kick his @ss to be a "good man" which includes being a good and dutiful boyfriend.

If he stays sober, and works his program, and you begin attending alanon meetings or some sort of therapy, you guys actually have a chance to have a healthy, loving relationship. if not, you don't, period, no if's ands or buts. (my opinion backed by years of experience)

The whole "walking on eggshells" thing, ....never worked for me, I only have a chance at a healthy relationship if I "state my truth" and stand my ground around that, and for my significant others, the same is true, there are tools that can be learned about "fighting fair" which is a way to communicate, and learning to set and hold healthy boundaries.

I, as a "recovering alcoholic" need communication from my "best girl" for so many reasons it's not funny, One, I'm a male, we are oblivious at best, and at worst nothing nice, two, I am an alcoholic, which means quite literally an extreme example of self centeredness although I usually don't think so, so help needed there, but when I am in a relationship with someone who knows how to say "I feel", and has a "black belt" either in alanon or AA (some 12 step program or other equivalent therapy) I absolutely flourish, toss in an ability to communicate, call me on my BS in a loving way, not lie, and also "own her own part" in situations and I have the ability to be wonderful in a relationship.

"It takes two to Tango" not only means fighting with each other, it also means having a successful relationship, see to it your own house is in order and if he doesn't keep it together toss his arse out, because the tools you will have learned will make you attractive to healthy men.

It's a win-win situation.

Learn those tools, set those boundaries, and have fun.

My personal experience with a practicing alcoholic was dreadful, and started after I had been sober for many years, I got to find out first hand all the abuse, lies, manipulations, distorted reality, excuses, blaming, finger pointing, crazy making behavior, double standards, etc ad nauseum that go along with practicing alcoholics, that's one aspect of my alcoholism I never understood even after being around the program for 16 years was how harmful the practicing alcoholic is to others, now the compassion I have to those I harmed all those years ago, and my empathy for the spouses of my sponsees is on a much deeper level.

Alcoholics can be really harmful. I literally never understood how harmful until I was on the other side of the coin.

Sorry to have so much of this in a "you" format, like I say my experience is his, and if you ever have any questions about some BS he tries to run on you about AA or just about the program in general feel free to PM me. Some men are just kinda like German cars, they need to be abused a bit to get the best performance out of them (totally joking but cmon, that's funny)