Volleygirl

I'm 29, my alcohol abusing husband is 34. I left to live w/my parents 10 weeks ago. He doesn't hit me, he isn't violent, he goes to work every day, no bill goes unpaid. He drinks every day or almost every day and it's usually at least 6. The reason I left is simply that I felt it was TOO much. I would like him to remember conversations we'd had the night before. I feel it's affecting his health. I love him so very much and it's killing me. We had dinner last weekend (our first meeting since the split) and he told me he's cut the amount in half. Therefore I thought that since he's giving a little I should give a little (as far as spending time with him, in order for him to prove his willingness to improve) I think that I'm unsure whether or not he's able to be a social drinker to to drink with moderation or acceptable limits. I guess I'm just unsure about what I should be doing. I wish there was a book of "rules" to follow with all of this! Should I be giving him my time? Should I appreciate his small improvements? Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you so much for your time.

nowinsituation

Hi Volley and welcome. Wouldn't it be nice if there were rules? Though you are much younger, my husband and I were in a similar situation. He would drink every day -- at least six beers. He did not do it openly; hid the drinking and lied to me about it. I did not understand alcoholism. He would tell me there was nothing wrong with how he drank; and how I had no right to judge him because I drank too. Listen to your gut and what it is telling you. Read the stickies and learn about alcoholism. My experience and the overwhelming experience from the stories on this forum is that "cutting back" does not work. It is a common tactic used by alcholics in denial. They so sincerely want to believe that they can drink normally. When they discover they can't they go to great lengths to make it APPEAR that they have cut back and are drinking normally. This is where the hiding, lying and deceit come in. Then trust disappears. For me, when the trust was gone there was nothing left.

Volleygirl

It's frightening as hell to think that if I were to say "not one more drop" he wouldn't be able to do it.

Jazzman

Welcome to SR. It sounds like he's trying to convince you, and possibly himself as well, that he can drink in moderation. Many recovering alcoholics/addicts would roll their eyes at that comment. Here's a great post from the stickies, I hope it helps you as much as it did me.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hlight=10+ways

blessed4x

Welcome to SR! You will get lots of great support here. A couple things struck me about your post. First, you were strong enough to remove yourself from the situation BEFORE it became abusive, GOOD JOB! Second, your husband's alcohol use is a problem FOR YOU....therefore it IS a problem.

I would suggest you not return to a situation that hasn't changed much (I don't consider cutting back changing, and from my own experience my AH has lied many times about doing that very thing) until you learn as much as you can about yourself and how YOU want to live. You could try Alanon, counseling with someone that works with addictions, read all you can, and come here often. Then you will be armed with knowledge about what you are getting (back) into and can make the decision that is best for YOU.

Volleygirl

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. It feels good to have outside support.

Volleygirl

Thank you so much for your advice. It means a lot.

Barbara52

My now xAH claimed he had cut down on his drinking and complained that I hadn't noticed. He was right. I didn't notice. He was still falling down drunk on a daily basis.

We each have to find out what we find acceptable to us and make our decisions based on that boundary line.

If you AH is an alcoholic, nope, he cannot be a social drinker, how ever that is defined. If he is claiming he can control his drinking, he is fooling himself. Whether you want to have contact with him or not is something you probably need to think through. What do you want going forward? A little drinking? No drinking? Your AH getting into recovery and sincerely seeking sobriety? Base your actions on what you wnat and need, not on what you think he wants or needs.

GiveLove

Welcome to SR, volleygirl. I'm so glad you found us.

Have you read very many of the posts/threads on this board? There's a common thread that runs through many of them: addicts & alcoholics wanting to have the best of both worlds (their comfortable love relationship AND their alcoholic habits) will often make very lofty promises about what they will do, what they have done.

I know I should probably speak contemptuously of such promises, but I can't -- I really do think many of them WANT desperately to be able to do the things they're promising. (some don't, but that's another matter) Not that I would base my life's decisions on them.

I wish there were a book too. It would've saved me many years of heartache.

Maybe a good next step would be to take some time to think about what you want from your life. Is everything, everything great about your marriage except for the effects of his drinking? If you were to make a list (lots of us do this) with "Reasons to go back" on one column and "Reasons to stay separate" on the other, how would it read?

Is "cut in half" good enough for you? I know that, with my history, any partner I choose has to be able to say "Not one more drop, if that's required to heal our relationship." And mean it. And prove it to me. I doubt I would ever force that on someone, but he absolutely has to have the ability. I can no longer be with someone who is unable to say no to alcohol. Life is far too short.

Your own wishes and desires will tell you the kind of life & marriage you want & need, and whether this one is capable of being that.

Please stay with us and keep posting. There's an enormous amount of support and creativity here, no matter what you decide.

:ghug3
GL

Volleygirl

Wow, thank you.

Ago

Oh, but there is, you just haven't written it yet!

As previously mentioned, there are a ton of resources here, there is also alanon and therapy, in the stickies there are threads about setting boundaries, what acceptable boundaries are, and by reading about the disease and effects on others life, and by bringing your own experience to bear you can start asking yourself questions, the answers are your rulebook.

Questions such as do you want to be in a relationship with someone who has chosen alcohol over you.

If so, what can you do to take care of yourself?

What constitutes acceptable behavior from a mate?

I have found also by initially focusing on myself, going to therapy, and working the steps I got a much clearer understanding of where I ended and (s)he began, and by having a clearer understanding of myself, what was my part in all of this helped me make healthier decisions and to "write" my rulebook.

I am an Alcoholic, and by nature self centered in the extreme, it's a common trait shared by all alcoholics although it can be hard to spot if you don't know what to look for, and that's without alcohol in my life, with alcohol, I have a complete and utter inability to be in a relationship for so many reasons, first and foremost is I place alcohol over anyone and anything and I create and "artificial reality" others refer to as "denial" or just "lying" and the web of deceit that accompanies addiction is "non negotiable" whether it's someone else addicted to a substance or myself addicted to the "Addict/Alcoholic" the only way that relationship can "survive" is by me either lying to myself or by compromising my integrity.

We find ourselves in this situation unknowingly at first, but once our eyes are opened, there is no turning back and the journey begins.

Don't be discouraged by setbacks, and having to "edit" the "rules" we are all "works in progress" but by seriously focusing on myself I was able to set some rules down that are now "Written in Stone".

It's also my experience when I commenced to grow, new and greater opportunities for growth begin appearing in my life, sometimes the same lessons in different guises, sometimes new lessons, but by having a support group (and for me a sponsor and a twelve step program) I literally get to grow by leaps and bounds until I finally got the part of the "map" labeled "Here there be Lyons" which in times past meant "The unexplored country" to cartographers, and for me that was having a healthy relationship with myself, those around me, and an actual healthy "romantic" relationship.

From there the growth explodes in such a way as to be the most exciting journey I have ever undertaken, it has had setbacks where I threw the "rulebook" away in order to learn new lessons, but for me, once I commenced the journey there was no turning back.

Now anytime I find myself "back on the map" I realize I am visiting "unhealthy" and am relearning a lesson I had forgotten, or needed to learn in a different guise, we refer to those as "red flags" and they get easier and easier to spot, until we can avoid "danger areas" and "dangerous people" before they can bring harm to our lives.

Here there be Lyons....a healthy relationship.....it's worth some self examination....good luck on your journey and we are here for you at SR, keep us posted.

GiveLove

Ooh, I like that.

Volleygirl

I started therapy soon after I left, simply because the anxiety and saddness were taking over! I'm not sure if it helps or not but I still go. Obviously with time, the anxiety and saddness are less, but the emotional roller coaster is still in working order! Has anyone here read, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic, A Womans Guide" by Dr. Neill Neill? It's so hard for me because Dr. Neill states that very few "alcohol abusers" actually become full blown physically dependent alcoholics. I'm just stuck because I don't want to give up on my husband. But I also do not want to live the way I was.

Jadmack25

RULES FOR ALCOHOLISM?

Only 1 Rule, really.

There are NO Rules. Anything can happen, and generally does.

God bless