This needs to stop one way or another
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
This needs to stop one way or another
I have been in serious denial. This relationship has not been giving me anything and the positive things are things that I used to take for granted with this guy (and should be able to take for granted). I am chasing after something that I used to have, but that's not there anymore: attention, affection, care, etc. I feel like I am going through life alone, without a partner, and to feel lonely in a relationship is horrible (been there before way too long with someone else). I mean, come on, I start to cry when I hear from friends how they travel together, have anniversary dinners, or even just hang out and talk or watch a movie. What a freaking joke.
I am also angry because he called the other day that he would stop by to get his computer. He came over with a friend, sat down at his computer, and checked email. I made conversation with his friend although I had loads of work to do. When I asked ABF what he was doing (heck, I have every right to ask when he is doing it under MY roof with MY internet connection), he got irritated. WTF? He was about to blow up (was already lifting the keyboard to throw it on the couch) and to tell me to shut up. I told him that I will ask him whatever the hell I please and that he won't tell me to shut up in my own home. All this in the presence of his friend (poor guy). When he was done (after an HOUR), they left. I was very short with him (I was LIVID - I just kept breathing and telling myself to stay calm). He then turned back and said we should have dinner Sunday night and was oh so sweet. I am not holding my breath.
He called today, but I was in no mood to talk to him. I am still angry. I feel so disrespected and used! He ONLY calls anymore when he needs something (and now he needs to do some smoothing over, ha!). He thinks it's ok to snap at me, which used to be a MORTAL SIN to him! I love the guy, but he can take that freaking addiction thing elsewhere. I don't even care about his issues - I have been Mother Teresa often enough in my life, but I will not hang around with someone who snaps at me because that might just be the beginning and toxic environments make me ill.
I will leave town in a week to go home for Christmas and I won't return to this in January. Either he goes into therapy and treatment and works on respecting me again, or I am done. I am not taking this lunacy into the new year. No wonder I can't sleep! I have been having the worst insomnia! There is just too much frustration and anger and CONSTANT disappointment. I should perhaps just print this out and put it on his freaking desk at work! There!
And I needed to write this down so I can read it again when little Miss Codie says a peep to shut her up!
I am also angry because he called the other day that he would stop by to get his computer. He came over with a friend, sat down at his computer, and checked email. I made conversation with his friend although I had loads of work to do. When I asked ABF what he was doing (heck, I have every right to ask when he is doing it under MY roof with MY internet connection), he got irritated. WTF? He was about to blow up (was already lifting the keyboard to throw it on the couch) and to tell me to shut up. I told him that I will ask him whatever the hell I please and that he won't tell me to shut up in my own home. All this in the presence of his friend (poor guy). When he was done (after an HOUR), they left. I was very short with him (I was LIVID - I just kept breathing and telling myself to stay calm). He then turned back and said we should have dinner Sunday night and was oh so sweet. I am not holding my breath.
He called today, but I was in no mood to talk to him. I am still angry. I feel so disrespected and used! He ONLY calls anymore when he needs something (and now he needs to do some smoothing over, ha!). He thinks it's ok to snap at me, which used to be a MORTAL SIN to him! I love the guy, but he can take that freaking addiction thing elsewhere. I don't even care about his issues - I have been Mother Teresa often enough in my life, but I will not hang around with someone who snaps at me because that might just be the beginning and toxic environments make me ill.
I will leave town in a week to go home for Christmas and I won't return to this in January. Either he goes into therapy and treatment and works on respecting me again, or I am done. I am not taking this lunacy into the new year. No wonder I can't sleep! I have been having the worst insomnia! There is just too much frustration and anger and CONSTANT disappointment. I should perhaps just print this out and put it on his freaking desk at work! There!
And I needed to write this down so I can read it again when little Miss Codie says a peep to shut her up!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Anger is a funny thing - often it can be destructive to relationships and self esteem but sometimes, when the person is emotionally healthy, anger can be a life saver. Healthy anger can give us the energy boost we need to get ourselves out of very unsafe and damaging situations.
I hear really healthy anger in your post - the kind that makes me want to stand up and say "you go girl"! The best thing you can do is fight for your right to respect, happiness and love. You deserve it!
I hear really healthy anger in your post - the kind that makes me want to stand up and say "you go girl"! The best thing you can do is fight for your right to respect, happiness and love. You deserve it!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Kimmieh 
I feel like I am going through life alone, without a partner, and to feel lonely in a relationship is horrible
Good luck to you as you continue your personal journey.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
K,
Girl...You have some clarity! I hear how terrible this feels and how angry and frustrated you are. But in the midst of all that, you see the reality of the situation very clearly. That is not an easy thing to do!
Sounds like perfect timing for your trip!
TH
Girl...You have some clarity! I hear how terrible this feels and how angry and frustrated you are. But in the midst of all that, you see the reality of the situation very clearly. That is not an easy thing to do!
Sounds like perfect timing for your trip!
TH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you all for your replies! Yes, this is the sort of anger that feels empowering. And I am still angry today, which is a good sign because of course normally I forgive and forget in an instant. This is also why I didn't answer the phone yesterday: I did not WANT to be sweet-talked back into feeling that I am a nag and he needs more space. If he wants more space, he needs to be freaking SINGLE. A relationship for me is togetherness and feeling comfortable around each other and right now, there is none of that.
I am sick of "I have so much stuff to take care of." Oh yeah? Whatever happened to trusting each other with problems and talking about them in a relationship? It's just an effing excuse to not put up with me objecting to his drinking and smoking, nothing the hell more. Honestly, the power of denial blows me away. I should award myself a Pulitzer Prize for all the stories I made up in my head to rationalize and to explain to others.
And YES, I was a nag and a b*tch and all the rest of it, but at this point, it's the default to him, so even when I try hard not to be that, I will be it as soon as I threaten his addict lifestyle. I cannot win. And I realized this when I decided to talk to him. A real heart to heart, civil and polite like a NORMAL couple, about his addiction and what it does to us. But we have passed the point where we could have had that conversation because he will fight tooth and nails to hang on to the booze and the pot. I don't stand a chance to even get this talk started, let alone make it productive. And that, along with finally opening my eyes to his increased irritability, I guess forced me to realize that there is not much left of what there was. He is in HUGE denial and who am I to burst the bubble, I guess. I am happy when he calls me and gives me a hug??????? And I mean elated!!! :wtf2 I am literally begging for things that are the very basis of a relationship. And all because there is no room for any threat to his addiction.
This trip is totally perfect timing, Tarheel! He can take that time to think about what he wants. I know he loves me, but it is now up to him to do the digging and get that love out of the addiction heap it's buried under. I 'm tired of begging for attention. And if he doesn't want to get his freaking act together, fine! Whatever.
You should picture me like this angry bouncing ball that hops around the room mumbling insults "bloody beer stupid weed freaking bar bloody people meh bleh..." That's how I feel right now, quite literally. It's actually pretty funny in a hysterical (as in hysteria) way. And no, I am not drunk.
But now I am going to celebrate!
GO GATORS!!
I am sick of "I have so much stuff to take care of." Oh yeah? Whatever happened to trusting each other with problems and talking about them in a relationship? It's just an effing excuse to not put up with me objecting to his drinking and smoking, nothing the hell more. Honestly, the power of denial blows me away. I should award myself a Pulitzer Prize for all the stories I made up in my head to rationalize and to explain to others.
And YES, I was a nag and a b*tch and all the rest of it, but at this point, it's the default to him, so even when I try hard not to be that, I will be it as soon as I threaten his addict lifestyle. I cannot win. And I realized this when I decided to talk to him. A real heart to heart, civil and polite like a NORMAL couple, about his addiction and what it does to us. But we have passed the point where we could have had that conversation because he will fight tooth and nails to hang on to the booze and the pot. I don't stand a chance to even get this talk started, let alone make it productive. And that, along with finally opening my eyes to his increased irritability, I guess forced me to realize that there is not much left of what there was. He is in HUGE denial and who am I to burst the bubble, I guess. I am happy when he calls me and gives me a hug??????? And I mean elated!!! :wtf2 I am literally begging for things that are the very basis of a relationship. And all because there is no room for any threat to his addiction.
This trip is totally perfect timing, Tarheel! He can take that time to think about what he wants. I know he loves me, but it is now up to him to do the digging and get that love out of the addiction heap it's buried under. I 'm tired of begging for attention. And if he doesn't want to get his freaking act together, fine! Whatever.
You should picture me like this angry bouncing ball that hops around the room mumbling insults "bloody beer stupid weed freaking bar bloody people meh bleh..." That's how I feel right now, quite literally. It's actually pretty funny in a hysterical (as in hysteria) way. And no, I am not drunk.
But now I am going to celebrate!
GO GATORS!!
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