I went to my first alanon meeting
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 62
I went to my first alanon meeting
Well, after the night I had last night, I decided to try a meeting today.
Walking in that door was the scariest thing. As soon as this woman asked if it was my first time and my name, I started bawling. She asked if I was having a rough day, all I could do was nod. The hug she gave me let me know that I was in a good place. I declined to share my experience, mostly because I knew I couldn't talk without completely breaking down, but it helped me a lot just to listen. The little things that people would say, not their whole stories, but the little things mirrored my own experience. Now I know for real, for sure that I am not the only one.
I realize that my AH (soon to be XAH) has a disease. I knew he had a problem, but never thought about it as a disease. My problem with the word disease is that what if it were cancer or something like that? I couldn't very well move on then, right? What if his disease made him say mean things to me, and become aggressive with me? I guess I can answer my own question, this disease is self-inflicted.
I went today for my little girl. I carried a picture of her when I got out of the car and went inside. I will go back for me and for her. I know that we both deserve better.
Walking in that door was the scariest thing. As soon as this woman asked if it was my first time and my name, I started bawling. She asked if I was having a rough day, all I could do was nod. The hug she gave me let me know that I was in a good place. I declined to share my experience, mostly because I knew I couldn't talk without completely breaking down, but it helped me a lot just to listen. The little things that people would say, not their whole stories, but the little things mirrored my own experience. Now I know for real, for sure that I am not the only one.
I realize that my AH (soon to be XAH) has a disease. I knew he had a problem, but never thought about it as a disease. My problem with the word disease is that what if it were cancer or something like that? I couldn't very well move on then, right? What if his disease made him say mean things to me, and become aggressive with me? I guess I can answer my own question, this disease is self-inflicted.
I went today for my little girl. I carried a picture of her when I got out of the car and went inside. I will go back for me and for her. I know that we both deserve better.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Good job mom! My children are what got me on the road to recovery as well. Keep focused and don't go off of your path. Eventually during your healing process your tears will dry up.
You will go through all the stages of grieving as if someone were dead. Sometimes it's harder because they are still alive and they might even change for someone else. When you get to a point where you want nothing but happiness for him even if that's without you then you will be alright. Because you have a daughter it will forever be a process for you but it doesn't have to be a tough one.
Keep coming here. You are not alone.
You will go through all the stages of grieving as if someone were dead. Sometimes it's harder because they are still alive and they might even change for someone else. When you get to a point where you want nothing but happiness for him even if that's without you then you will be alright. Because you have a daughter it will forever be a process for you but it doesn't have to be a tough one.
Keep coming here. You are not alone.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Brava Jenny!
One day, one step at a time- things can get much much better for you and DD!
My problem with the word disease is that what if it were cancer or something like that?
Well it is a disease that is powerful cunning and baffling. It is addiction. And it has its unique qualities in that respect. It is unlike cancer, or MS. It is called a family disease because it can infect even the non-alcoholic family members with its poison- so that's why it's so important to get help for yourself.
The more I learned about alcoholism the more I realized it is unlike any other sickness I have encountered in that there is no way for me to participate in nursing someone back to health - unless they are actively and seriously pursuing the breaking of the addicitve cycle in their own brain.
Also no disease is an acceptable excuse for verbal or physical abuse. None.
Peace-
B.
One day, one step at a time- things can get much much better for you and DD!
My problem with the word disease is that what if it were cancer or something like that?
Well it is a disease that is powerful cunning and baffling. It is addiction. And it has its unique qualities in that respect. It is unlike cancer, or MS. It is called a family disease because it can infect even the non-alcoholic family members with its poison- so that's why it's so important to get help for yourself.
The more I learned about alcoholism the more I realized it is unlike any other sickness I have encountered in that there is no way for me to participate in nursing someone back to health - unless they are actively and seriously pursuing the breaking of the addicitve cycle in their own brain.
Also no disease is an acceptable excuse for verbal or physical abuse. None.
Peace-
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 62
The other thing that I heard today that struck a cord, is that it is a disease for life. FOR LIFE!!! My daughter will have an alcoholic father for the rest of her life! It's so so SO sad.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hugs to you, jennygirl, for your amazing courage to do this.
You were so afraid -- but you did it.
(I'm a little teary right now thinking about it, actually)
You are saving your daughter's life by confronting this.
You were so afraid -- but you did it.
(I'm a little teary right now thinking about it, actually)
You are saving your daughter's life by confronting this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: michigan
Posts: 30
I had a hard time with alcoholism as a disease compared to cancer. I used to think the same exact thing, "I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer"
The difference is this: With alcoholics living with this disease, AA meetings are like the medicine to help him heal. Just like the alanon meetings help US heal. If he had cancer, he would most likely get chemo or radiation. He would choose these things to help him. He has a choice to go to AA meetings to help him.
If he didn't choose chemo he would most likely not beat cancer. Same thing with AA meetings, he most likely won't beat the disease.
With my husband, he doesn't even think he is an alcoholic. Denial BIG time. I've learned he is not capable of healing until HE admits he has a problem with alcohol. I finally admitted that I am powerless over it, now I can focus on ME and start my healing process.
I hope this helps.
Susan
The difference is this: With alcoholics living with this disease, AA meetings are like the medicine to help him heal. Just like the alanon meetings help US heal. If he had cancer, he would most likely get chemo or radiation. He would choose these things to help him. He has a choice to go to AA meetings to help him.
If he didn't choose chemo he would most likely not beat cancer. Same thing with AA meetings, he most likely won't beat the disease.
With my husband, he doesn't even think he is an alcoholic. Denial BIG time. I've learned he is not capable of healing until HE admits he has a problem with alcohol. I finally admitted that I am powerless over it, now I can focus on ME and start my healing process.
I hope this helps.
Susan
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Hugs to you, jennygirl, for your amazing courage to do this.
You were so afraid -- but you did it.
(I'm a little teary right now thinking about it, actually)
You are saving your daughter's life by confronting this.
You were so afraid -- but you did it.
(I'm a little teary right now thinking about it, actually)
You are saving your daughter's life by confronting this.
There is this annoying little voice that hopes he will "wake up" when I make arrangements to leave and not want us to go. I would still go, don't get me wrong. You can't erase the way he has treated me or the things he has said. Unfortunately, I know that he is angry and that he really and truly believes that I have cheated on him, and he is too proud to show me that this hurts him. Is it too mean to say that I want to see him in pain? I want to see him hurt the way that I am feeling hurt.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I was very happy to read that thread title! Good for you and I'm glad for you and your daughter that you will be going back.
Yes, alcoholism is a lifelong disease, but it can be arrested if the person chooses sobriety. I have many sober friends who liken it to diabetes - they do what they have to do to keep it in check - in their cases, of course, not drinking and working some kind of program.
Yay for you!!!!!
Yes, alcoholism is a lifelong disease, but it can be arrested if the person chooses sobriety. I have many sober friends who liken it to diabetes - they do what they have to do to keep it in check - in their cases, of course, not drinking and working some kind of program.
Yay for you!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 62
Thanks Denny57, it was hard and it was scary. But I am so very glad that I went.
It was also hard and scary to come home tonight. My AH is here and is acting so strangely. My little girl and I met some friends for dinner. I initiated the gathering (kind of a first!), and as I was on the phone, my mind kept sliding to thoughts of checking with AH first. I actually had to say out loud "I do not have to check in with him! It doesn't matter if he approves or not!" I really was trying to delay coming home in hopes that he would get tired of waiting and go out and get drunk and leave me alone. I did text him after I made my plans, but only as a courtesy since I had our daughter with me. He then called like 8 times, and texted back "are you avoiding me?" (duh!) but I didn't reply or answer his calls. Since we have gotten home, he has followed me everywhere asking why I won't talk to him, until I made a beeline for the bathroom.
We have to go to a parade that my daughter is in tomorrow. I am so not looking forward to it. I can't wait for this to be over so that I can move on and not be afraid to come home.
It was also hard and scary to come home tonight. My AH is here and is acting so strangely. My little girl and I met some friends for dinner. I initiated the gathering (kind of a first!), and as I was on the phone, my mind kept sliding to thoughts of checking with AH first. I actually had to say out loud "I do not have to check in with him! It doesn't matter if he approves or not!" I really was trying to delay coming home in hopes that he would get tired of waiting and go out and get drunk and leave me alone. I did text him after I made my plans, but only as a courtesy since I had our daughter with me. He then called like 8 times, and texted back "are you avoiding me?" (duh!) but I didn't reply or answer his calls. Since we have gotten home, he has followed me everywhere asking why I won't talk to him, until I made a beeline for the bathroom.
We have to go to a parade that my daughter is in tomorrow. I am so not looking forward to it. I can't wait for this to be over so that I can move on and not be afraid to come home.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Susan67
With my husband, he doesn't even think he is an alcoholic. Denial BIG time. I've learned he is not capable of healing until HE admits he has a problem with alcohol. I finally admitted that I am powerless over it, now I can focus on ME and start my healing process.
I hope this helps.
Susan
I hope this helps.
Susan
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
Yardihoo hoo to you jennygirl73!
I may be over-identifying here but I am so happy for you.
Keep posting and telling others your story. You may not know it but it helps us all to hear that we are not alone. And I have heard the more experienced participants say that they like hearing the stories of newcomers because it helps remind them how different life has become since they started living their own life, free from the obsession of someone else's alcohol consumption patterns.
I read in a psyche journal article that obsession is a response to fear. Well that pretty much sums me up. But the thing is it didn't help to know that. Knowledge hasn't helped me in my recovery one jot. Sadly, I have had to accept that I couldn't "work it out". I just had to accept it. Another thing I found hard to get used to was the "god" concepts sprinkled throughout the steps. But again, the wisdom and patience of these al-anon members gave me hope that I would find some higher power that I could trust and that was rational, after so much insane thinking and chaos in my head.
But good for you. I have mentioned it before and will again that when I cam home from my first al-anon meeting, I stayed up all night reading all the pamphlets, in particular the one called "alcoholism - A merry-go-round called denial" It literally stopped me in my tracks. I kept reading it over and over again to the point where I could practically recite the whole thing. Such was my liberation from the concept that I was responsible for his drinking. I am only scratching the surface and am reminded of that when I read my long posts.....(a little like those who "got religion" in the 70's........) compared to the brief posts of those who have been practising these steps for yonks.
Bravo for you jennygirl
I may be over-identifying here but I am so happy for you.
Keep posting and telling others your story. You may not know it but it helps us all to hear that we are not alone. And I have heard the more experienced participants say that they like hearing the stories of newcomers because it helps remind them how different life has become since they started living their own life, free from the obsession of someone else's alcohol consumption patterns.
I read in a psyche journal article that obsession is a response to fear. Well that pretty much sums me up. But the thing is it didn't help to know that. Knowledge hasn't helped me in my recovery one jot. Sadly, I have had to accept that I couldn't "work it out". I just had to accept it. Another thing I found hard to get used to was the "god" concepts sprinkled throughout the steps. But again, the wisdom and patience of these al-anon members gave me hope that I would find some higher power that I could trust and that was rational, after so much insane thinking and chaos in my head.
But good for you. I have mentioned it before and will again that when I cam home from my first al-anon meeting, I stayed up all night reading all the pamphlets, in particular the one called "alcoholism - A merry-go-round called denial" It literally stopped me in my tracks. I kept reading it over and over again to the point where I could practically recite the whole thing. Such was my liberation from the concept that I was responsible for his drinking. I am only scratching the surface and am reminded of that when I read my long posts.....(a little like those who "got religion" in the 70's........) compared to the brief posts of those who have been practising these steps for yonks.
Bravo for you jennygirl
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 62
Equinessa,
Thanks so much for checking in with me. I am such a range of emotions. I too read some of the pamphlets today, some made me angry, some I really feel like I learned from. I need some clarification on HOW to follow some of the do's and dont's. And I am stubborn, so I think I will need alot of practice. I hope I can get away from work tomorrow to go to another meeting.
Thanks so much for checking in with me. I am such a range of emotions. I too read some of the pamphlets today, some made me angry, some I really feel like I learned from. I need some clarification on HOW to follow some of the do's and dont's. And I am stubborn, so I think I will need alot of practice. I hope I can get away from work tomorrow to go to another meeting.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Thank yo so much for sharing your experience - I have been debating with the idea of meetings as well, but have been stalling. I am really not a "joiner" and honestly feel a little awkward about going....I am enjoying reading about your experiences.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
First of all, yea to you for getting to a meeting. I felt like a load was lifted off me on the first day.
On the disease concept, I want to present a perspective. I totally feel like alcoholism is a disease, now. Prior to Al-Anon, I felt it was 100% a choice. Now, I think I am more in the middle. While I agree that alcoholism is a disease where there is no control once the person is drunk and compulsion to drink exists, I personally feel like that first drink is a choice. Those in AA have such a wonderful support network with numbers galore that they can call when the compulsion hits. Yet, I have observed that when that first drink is near, some actually choose NOT to call, because they want to drink at that moment. Of course, that is their choice, but at that point, I consider it a disease that they CHOOSE to give into. JMO. Bottom line, everyone has choices to make. One thing for sure is we can't control what choices others make. We can only control our own.
On the disease concept, I want to present a perspective. I totally feel like alcoholism is a disease, now. Prior to Al-Anon, I felt it was 100% a choice. Now, I think I am more in the middle. While I agree that alcoholism is a disease where there is no control once the person is drunk and compulsion to drink exists, I personally feel like that first drink is a choice. Those in AA have such a wonderful support network with numbers galore that they can call when the compulsion hits. Yet, I have observed that when that first drink is near, some actually choose NOT to call, because they want to drink at that moment. Of course, that is their choice, but at that point, I consider it a disease that they CHOOSE to give into. JMO. Bottom line, everyone has choices to make. One thing for sure is we can't control what choices others make. We can only control our own.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by jennygirl73
Well, after the night I had last night, I decided to try a meeting today.
Walking in that door was the scariest thing. As soon as this woman asked if it was my first time and my name, I started bawling. She asked if I was having a rough day, all I could do was nod. The hug she gave me let me know that I was in a good place. I declined to share my experience, mostly because I knew I couldn't talk without completely breaking down, but it helped me a lot just to listen. The little things that people would say, not their whole stories, but the little things mirrored my own experience. Now I know for real, for sure that I am not the only one.
I realize that my AH (soon to be XAH) has a disease. I knew he had a problem, but never thought about it as a disease. My problem with the word disease is that what if it were cancer or something like that? I couldn't very well move on then, right? What if his disease made him say mean things to me, and become aggressive with me? I guess I can answer my own question, this disease is self-inflicted.
I went today for my little girl. I carried a picture of her when I got out of the car and went inside. I will go back for me and for her. I know that we both deserve better.
Walking in that door was the scariest thing. As soon as this woman asked if it was my first time and my name, I started bawling. She asked if I was having a rough day, all I could do was nod. The hug she gave me let me know that I was in a good place. I declined to share my experience, mostly because I knew I couldn't talk without completely breaking down, but it helped me a lot just to listen. The little things that people would say, not their whole stories, but the little things mirrored my own experience. Now I know for real, for sure that I am not the only one.
I realize that my AH (soon to be XAH) has a disease. I knew he had a problem, but never thought about it as a disease. My problem with the word disease is that what if it were cancer or something like that? I couldn't very well move on then, right? What if his disease made him say mean things to me, and become aggressive with me? I guess I can answer my own question, this disease is self-inflicted.
I went today for my little girl. I carried a picture of her when I got out of the car and went inside. I will go back for me and for her. I know that we both deserve better.
I'm a RA myself with 17 years, my wife had 12 and hid it from me for the past few months after picking it back up and very recently getting sober. I'm looking for some 'good' alanon meetings myself. IN NEED for sure. If you know of some please post the locations. I have checked out the listings on line but recommendations are usually spot on.
After 17 years I know me but understanding this disease from another view point I feel total stupid and powerless.
Thanks
Dave
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