sodetermined

I know that I should be angry, and I know that I shouldn't focus on Chris. I know what I should do, but I can't seem to DO it.

I talked with the other woman last night (she called me again). I think we are both wanting reassurance from each other that he will be left out in the cold, and that neither one will take him back. She has given me that assurance, but I can't give the same to her.

He had contacted neither one of us yesterday. She called me this morning. She called me to let me know he called her this morning. He was using his little sister's phone before she went to school (cuz the home phone at his mom's is shut off). So he called her to admit he stayed at my house (still denies sleeping with me), but she is strong, and she told him she is done, and will not take him back. She is one tough girl! He told her he was done calling me. She called to warn me that he might call. But he didn't. He is so good at manipulation, he is playing the victim "oh poor me, I messed up and I'm admitting it to you, now I'm all alone". She told him he needs professional help and to quit drinking. He said if I don't drink can I come over tonight? She said "He-- no."

I am sure that in his mind this is my fault. He probably thinks I let him come over just to cause trouble for him (which is NOT the case). Sadly enough, had he left her alone, I probably would have taken him back. Not right back, but eventually, I would have let him come back.

And I am so sick. I am sad that he called her and not me. I feel like crying right now. I am so sick of this, feeling like this.

Her and I are supposed to be going out tomorrow night, weird, huh?

queenteree

(((soconfused))) I am so sorry you're hurting. I have no words of wisdom or esh to share with you, just wanted to let you know I know the feeling and I hope it passes soon. (((HUGS)))

ToughChoices

When did you feel better?

I think drugs and alcohol call to certain people, "Drink/smoke/snort me! You'll feel awesome!"
So they do. And they feel awesome.
For a little while.

Then the drug wears off and they feel like poop. They say, "I am NEVER doing that again - I feel like poop!"
They start to feel better, eat better, sleep better. They start getting healthy.

But eventually they hear the call. And they remember how GREAT it can feel to use. And they forget the whole poop side of things.

And the cycle repeats.

If that man is not a drug for you, I don't know what he is!!!

He brings out your sickness, Wendy.
From what you write, being around him is temporary relief from a pain that worsens with each exposure to him. It sounds like you get deeper and deeper in the hole of self-doubt each time you engage in this chaos.

I hate to hear you in pain.
I know that you can overcome.

Hugs and prayers for you today.
-TC

Pajarito

One thing that sticks out for me in this thread is that you are continuing to involve yourself in Chris's drama. I know now that for me there is no way I would have contact with STBXAH if I didn't have to- and because I do- I keep it to the bare minimum. I also would never put myself in a situation where I was talking to the other woman- ever. No matter how nice she is, she is involving herself with a very sick man. If I wanted to get healthy, I would surround myself with healthy people. I would remove myself from his drama as much as I could- and because you are not married and have no children with Chris, you could remove yourself from him completely- if you chose to. Every time you make any sort of connection with him- be it directly or indirectly, you start to spin. Is that really how you want to live your life?

In your recent posts you have mentioned how low your self esteem is, how it seems to be a result of a bad experince growing up with an emotionally unavailable father- my experience is the same. I believe I chose my STBXAH based on some unfinished business I had with my father- both men are emotionally unavailable, immature and irrational/angry/impatient, etc. All of those traits are ones I no longer want to have in my life. I know I can't change either of them- I can only change myself. And lately I am Pissed off that I allowed myself to let the insanity of the two most important men in my life dictate how I feel about myself. To that I now say H*** NO! I know I am deserving of a healthy, peaceful life. I know I deserve more than what I allowed myself to have, but it has taken me some really hard work. I've had to take a cold, hard look at why I put myself into situations that were unhealthy for me time and time again.

I am so sick of this, feeling like this.

Only you can change this. Asking Chris to change it is like going to the hardware store and expecting to find bread. It's not going to happen- no matter what you do. You can only feel better when you decide to- and it's not easy- believe me, but if you put the effort in, it will begin to get easier. ((()))

blissfullysober

Just wanted to say well said Tough, good words!

sodetermined

I agree whole heartedly with his. I am addicted to him. I was raised in the typical alcoholic household, and instead of getting addicted to drugs or drinking, I get addicted to people/drama.

The thing is, I wasn't in THAT much pain. I was doing better. Then I hear his voice, I hear him say he missed me, and it's like I lose all senses. I feel like I am at square one again, missing him, longing for him, feeling rejected by a reject. It's so sad. I honestly thought I was to the point of accepting that he was with her, ya know? And now that they aren't together, I should be able to get to the point again no problem, right?

Thanks for being there, it really helps.

Aesakitty

The first step to feeling better is admitting that you are in an unhealthy abusive relationship. This may be the hardest, but most important thing you will ever do. You may love him and want to wait for things to be better. Maybe hoping they will be the way they used to be. From my experience in multiple abusive relationships this is the way most abused women/men think, and the reason they (and I) stay(ed). Once you can admit what is going on I suggest you find help. I found my help in the abusive relationship section of my library. I found a book there that talked about the signs of abuse and an escape plan if you decided to stay. It talked about writing my feelings down. It also talked about finding myself without him. This may not be the way for everybody, but I know it is how I saved my life. Not from physical violence, but from the continual mental anguish the person I loved put me through. You never have to be hit to be abused.

ToughChoices

That's exactly what I mean!
You were doing better! You were feeling good! You were making healthy choices and setting a good example for Ryan! You were proud and strong and reaching for help - with your Celebrate Recovery meetings and your posts here!

You are getting better.
It's just that involving yourself with him, in any way, throws a gigantic wrench in that self-improvement plan!

You end up feeling like you're back at square one.
And that sucks.

Cause Pajarito is right. You don't have to talk to him.

What would you like to see Chris do to treat his alcoholism?
Try to control his drinking?
Or abstain from alcohol, see a counselor, participate in AA, and get healthy?

What are you trying to do to treat your addiction to Chris?
It is easy to see what others can do to improve their lives - it is difficult to take those same steps for myself.

-TC

sodetermined

Well I know, no contact is best for a good reason. I mean I guess I need to make one big fat journal entry tonight, about how I'm feeling this week, the pain, sadness/confusion and other feelings that I am feeling. And the next time he calls my damn phone, I need to pull it out and read it and learn from this and not do it again.

Now I'm wondering if talking with her is beneficial or not. On one hand, I feel it is helping me a little, to be reassured and know she is not taking him back, and she is a tough person and talking to her makes me feel angry. On the other hand, if I stop talking with her, I will wonder if they are back together. And I do really enjoy talking with her.

I mean talking with her puts the focus on him. Unless we could really be friends, true friends and be there for each other without focusing on him so much.

Pajarito

Good plan!

Why do you feel you need this?

Exactamundo. IMHO- the less said/thought of him, the better. TC is right- it's like an addiction for us. It's so much easier to focus on what we want from others instead of what we want from ourselves. It's painful to go deep and address why we are where we are, but that's the kind of work it takes to get out of the cycle of addiction and into sanity.

Barbara52

Only you can decide when you are ready to fight your own addiction. Apparently you are still getting something out of it. Until you want this addiciton to him to end, it's not going to happen.

beaglebaby

Pajarito is right -- stay away from the new GF. To me, being in contact with her would be extremely damaging. What terrible self-punishment! What do you hope to get out of being in contact with her? Details? Ways to one-up her? Seriously, think about your goals, is there anything positive that would come out of that relationship?

It sounds like I'm being brutal. I promise I'm not -- I just know how fragile and shattered my self-esteem has become, and I know I've got to surround myself with people who love me and have my best interests at heart. PLEASE take care of yourself and get off of that crazy train you're on!!!!

I don't know about the type people your ex is hanging around with, but I know mine is hanging out with serial drinkers, chronic enablers, druggies, you name it. So I keep thinking, what kind of addicted, enabling, girlfriend does he have? My AXH doesn't have any money, he's drinking it away. He has no depth to his personality or interests -- so what does the GF see in him? Maybe that's not the case with your ex, but with mine, I definately question the mental health of the OW.

Above all -- love, protect, and be kind to yourself. You need it and you deserve it!!

denny57

As long as I base my happiness on what other people are or are not doing, I am doomed. Happiness comes from the healthy choices I make for my life, not from whether someone stays away from one of his many girlfriends.

No contact worked for me.

LaTeeDa

As a child, I never learned how to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Sadness, loneliness, anger, disappointment, anxiety, etc. were things to be avoided. I learned to avoid my own uncomfortable feelings by distracting myself. I got involved with others who had problems, issues, drama. That way, I never had to feel the discomfort of my own emotions. When I let go of other's lives, trying to control them, focusing on what they were doing, not doing, I was left with myself and a huge pile of emotions that were anything but comfortable. I'm still working my way through them as they come up.

Here is my favorite quote about the subject:

L

denny57

Absolutely, LTD. Yesterday's reading in courage to change was about this. Doing anything, anything, to avoid feeling the feelings. If I were an alcoholic, I imagine I'd drink, but I get sick after 2 drinks. So I substituted other things to stuff those feelings down.

veryrestless722

i would cut contact with both of them, i tried that once, talking to the other woman and all it did was p*ss me off and hurt me even more, by staying in contact with her you are just prolonging your pain

my xah did something similar in a way to what chris did to you, i fell for it and then realized that he was still messing with a new woman this time since she can enable him in ways i wont or cant, it was a hard lesson and very embarassing for me to go through and i was finally done with him after that, i know in the back of my mind i wish he could get sober and magically become the man i married but it just aint gonna happen and im moving on, it hurts i have bad days, but mostly im happy, i enjoy my son (except when he wont sleep like now lol) i just keep myself busy and try not to focus on him and having absolutely no contact has been the best thing in the world for me, i pretty much think its the only way to get through it, cause hearing my xah's voice seems to draw me back in

i think its hurting so bad right now because your keeping yourself in the middle of it, it was that way for me, i had to walk away from it to keep myself sane, once i was a way from it i was fine and still am, things are starting to get better for me only because my xah isnt in my life

do you like the band lifehouse? their song broken sounds like its written about me and how i feel, maybe listen to it, it helps me, course im big on music, im sure not everyone handles things with music the way i do, just an idea

:codiepolice

prodigal

No, not weird; unhealthy. You're going to start hanging out with a woman with whom the only thing you have in common is you both slept with the same man. I don't think that's a healthy commonality of interest on which to base a relationship with this woman. JMO, but I would venture to guess that one of the main topics of conversation will be Chris.

Getting rid of an addictive agent or an obsession means getting the people, places, and things related to the agent or obsession out of one's life.

This woman is your "tie" to Chris. And it's a way to keep him in your life, even if it's through a third party.

loner1968

I really think that you talking to her is a bad idea. I can tell you only because I was in a similar situation. The OW made me feel like I could listen to her and I was in such a state I just wanted to be able to trust someone, anyone!!! Well..She was lying too. And BOY did I feel stupid! I couldn't believe I let myself listen to her. I should have known better but I was a mess and she knew it.
I'm just saying...she may say she is not going to take him back but If it was me I would not believe her.
Sorry. I just don't want you to get hurt more.

loner1968

feeling rejected by a reject.

Oh man! I was there for a long time! I don't believe it too much anymore except when I'm having a really bad day but it sure made me think about how I thought I was such loser. A drunk, drug addict, cheating, lying, loser didn't want me....who ever would? I think that's part of the whole dynamic. We are SUPPOSED to feel like we are no good. Then when they say I love you I miss you Blah blah we just fall right back into the drama.