sodetermined

And I am so upset with myself. I was doing so well. I thought I was anyway.

Well Chris called me Monday, I posted about it here.

He called me back, Monday night, crying, begging, pleading. I was so special to him, he loved me so much, thought about me every morning and night, etc. Loved hearing my voice, wanted to call me so many times, could just not be with the OW, he thought of me when he looked at her. Said he had went to her house and got all his stuff. We talked for maybe 45 minutes....and my codie relapse starts here. I asked why he did that, why is he just now calling, trying to explain to him until he quits drinking his life will always be a mess, etc. I told him I missed him and loved him, and thought of him, too. He begged me to come over. I let him! What in the world was I thinking? I feel like when I talk to him, I lose all senses....it's like I become a totally different person, can't think right. So I told him just as friends, no affection, nothing in front of Ryan.

So he gets there, says all the things my codependent self needed/wanted to hear, and have wanted to hear since he left. How good I looked, how pretty my face was, just kept staring at my face, hugged me and told me it felt so great to see me, he was so happy, blah blah blah. I asked him to be honest, I said you and T had a fight, didn't you? Nope, just missed you, she knew where my heart was at, blah blah blah. Ryan goes to bed, he starts hugging, kissing...then I sleep with him! Big mistake #2!!!!!!!!! We lay there and hold each other. I go off to bed, he sleeps on the couch. He left Tuesday morning, calls all day at work, I only answered once, because I knew I needed to step back a minute, knew it was a mistake, and was not a good idea to get all wrapped up again. I made plans with him for Saturday (Ryan is spending the night with a friend). Told him I needed time, he needed to give me time. Well I didn't answer at all in the afternoon when he called. He told me to call him after I got settled in Tuesday night for bed.

So I do. He's not at his mom's. I tell her he was with me last night, trying to get her to tell me where he was. She said she didn't know. I call my friend Kim, who knows T's sister. She called her sister, who then called T to let her know Chris was at my house the night before, spent the night. Yeah, no big surprise there, he was with her, so she confronted him. He says "I can't believe you are going to let that f-in bitc's lies break us up". She told him she can't stand a liar, that he needed to get the fu-- out of her house and never come back. So of course, what does he do? Goes to his mom's to call me. Initially, I hung up. Then he kept calling over and over...so then...big mistake #3, I pick up and let him have it.

He got scared I wouldn't take him back (he admitted this), and went back to smooth things over with her. (the truth of the matter is, she found out he called me Monday night, she packed his clothes, she kicked him out. Monday morning when he called me, they had just had a fight, that's the reason for him calling to begin with). Then he starts in...I'm sorry, I ***-k-ed up, I'll do anything, what can I do, church, counseling, talk to the pastor, what? I said nothing. You can do nothing. I said I can't blame you, because I allowed you to come over, I told him it was a big mistake.

The OW called me last night. We talked for 2 hours. She was in a bad relationship for 5 years (alcohol and abuse), so she said she went into this relationship with her eyes open. Said Chris can't do anything without alcohol (nope he sure can't). Chris was starting to show his true colors and she had been annoyed with him the last couple of weeks, but this took the cake for her, she is done with him. She said she felt like he needed her to be his mom (yep!), and he was whinny, like a kid. Yep, he is. She wants nothing to do with him (which makes me way too happy of course). So now he is alone. He hasn't contacted me since that night yet....thank God. I know he will....and I need to be strong. I can't believe I'm actually even considering that I need to be strong, there shouldn't even be a question in my mind, right? But there is, I don't know if I can be strong. I mean he slept with both of us in a 24 hour period. And I'm still worried I can't answer (if he calls) because I might cave? WTF?

I'm ashamed, scared, emotional, and now I'm back to missing him and longing for him. Still wanting to hold onto hope. I can't believe I let myself do this!

When I met Chris, he did the same thing to me with his ex-wife. Back and forth for 8 long months...only she didn't budge. He would call her, try and get her back, etc. I didn't believe it at the time, didn't believe his ex. Every time we would have problems, he would call and try and get her back.

Yeah, ok...let me have it!

Pajarito

Nope. Not going to let you have it. He needs to do whatever he can to maintain his addiction, and you just got run over in the process. You are human. You had what I would call an emotional relapse. It's normal. It's hard to accept what is happening- for me it has been a slooooow process. I've had emotional relapses that are excruciating, but each time I was "reminded" by him- his behavior is still intolerable- yep- no mistaking it, I was reminded by my counselor, my friends, my family- gently. Be compassionate with yourself. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out of the road. . .

LaTeeDa

This is the part where you have to get brutally honest with yourself. It's not easy.

Why do you think you need affection so badly? Why do you think you are willing to settle for someone so insincere and shallow?

Why do you think you need this validation from him, even if it's at a high cost to your piece of mind?

L

Barbara52

Accept you are human, made a mistake and forgive yourself.

Then comes the hard work. Try to figure out why you made these mistakes and what you need to change to not make these mistakes in the future.

GiveLove

It's a relapse. It happens.

Counseling really helped me to find out why I was willing to lick the boots of a man who lied to me, lied to everyone, fooled around on me (yes, the same day too), had sex with other women in my bed, disrespected me, used me, and manipulated me. Seriously, he did all this and more, and still I craved his approval.

If this is the man you miss too, soconfused, and if you don't want to be this kind of woman any more, you might check out some counseling as well. It didn't take much time or money, but my life got about a thousand percent better, and I respect myself now.

Good luck with everything - keep trying to be a person you admire.

sodetermined

I mean I know I want the validation because I don't love myself, I'm insecure and have a low self esteem, which of course came from my dad not loving me the way I needed to be loved when I was a child.

I guess it all comes back to me trying to fall in love with myself! And I guess I have yet to do that, I thought I was liking myself more, but apparently not.

veryrestless722

dont be so hard on yourself, its so easy to fall back into old patterns, ive done the same in the past, it was a hard lesson to learn that he calls only when things dont work out with his other women

you really got to stop and think, do you really want to take him back and deal with all those issues

dont be so hard on yourself, its so hard to completely break away from them, especially when they lay it on so thick

LaTeeDa

I couldn't figure myself out on my own. It took several months with a good therapist. It's okay to seek help. I'm not saying I couldn't have figured it out on my own--eventually. But why do it the hard way?

L

sodetermined

Adrenaline rush...oh yeah. And when he called, he got the other end of it. I know I am addicted to the excitement/drama/chaos.

Pajarito

Yikes- I have been in therapy for YEARS! However- just in the past year I have been delving into why I am who I am- and why I spent years with STBXAH- most of it goes back to family of origin issues. I guess I am just wanting to comment that for me it's been years of work, and I expect to spend many more years with my therapist- if she will continue with me. I agree that it is much "easier" to see things I have missed with her help- and if I had to do it alone it would probably not be happening this "quickly." I might still be with STBXAH. Thank God I'm not.

Whatever it takes. LTD does have a good point- as have many of the others on this thread. For me at least- my issues come from self-esteem- lack of it.

LaTeeDa

Oh, I didn't mean to imply that I am "all fixed now." LOL My therapist pointed me in some directions that I might not have gone on my own. But, now I go there willingly. I think I've read probably 50 or so books that have helped me as well. And, I reserve the right to go back to therapy any time I feel the need. But, it was those first six months or so that really got me unstuck.

L

prodigal

I'm afraid I'm going to come across as a hard-a$$ here too, but I lived with this as well. My father found me an amusing novelty when I was little, with my curly blonde hair and the way I'd "perform" on his command. "Be cute, be sassy, dance on top of the table." Sick, sick, sick.

Then I turned into a real ugly teenager, complete with zits, braces, overweight, and frizzy hair. My entertainment value was gone, and my father either ignored me, or pointed out how fat and stupid I was.

Either way, I recovered. How? I quit trying to fix the past. I quit glomming onto men who would keep me in the zero self-esteem loop. You're an adult. Playing the wounded child hand keeps you stuck in victim-land. You are no longer a victim. You cannot fix your past, relive your past, or change the people who hurt you in your past.

As long as I remained a victim and kept the chaos/drama/insanity wheel spinning, I did not have to get honest and face myself. I played a role in the mess I was in. The mess I'm in now is the residual junk that still had me trying to get somebody to validate me. That was seven years ago. It's taken me three years of hard work and lots of therapy to take an honest look at myself.

The victim role no longer fits. It serves no purpose. And you ARE a worthwhile human being. You need to affirm yourself. This guy is bad news. Period. Please get some good therapy and, whatever it takes, get this man out of your life for good.

equinessa

"Nope. Not going to let you have it. He needs to do whatever he can to maintain his addiction, and you just got run over in the process."

I agree absolutely. You are powerless over his behaviour. He is powerless over the disease of alcoholism.

Unfortunately quacking can include comments, promises and actions that are agreeable to us........ It is still the insanity of the untreated alcoholic. Or am I stretching/misinterpreting the meaning of the word quacking?

Can you find that detachment again? You don't have to get involved in the consequences of his drinking behaviour, but you can if that's how you want to spend your precious time. Until he finds his sobriety he will continue to spin out of control, but you know that already.

Jadmack25

You don't need any more hits right now, sure had enough from sleazy Chris already.
Stop beating yourself up over this, no good for you and changes nothing.
Stay firm, no contact and let him stew in his lousy juice, he deserves all he gets.

Prayer and hugs to you.

beaglebaby

Soconfused -- if this were easy, none of us would be here! I think we all have our stories about when we gave in, even though we knew nothing had changed. I made my most recent misstep -- two days ago!

I keep telling my therapist that I must be darn good at co-dependency, since I need to have the same lessons smack me in the face over and over again!

Be kind to yourself. Accept that you just must have needed to see him and confirm that nothing had changed. Now if the pattern repeats -- you'll have another example in your arsenal to be able to hold out if that's what you want to do. Eventually you/we will ALL get there!

ToughChoices

As I cultivate love for myself, I try to make decisions that are in my best interest.
When I'm successful at this, I respect myself for making those decisions.
That respect leads to more self-love.
The next time around, I find it easier to make the self-loving, best-interest decisions.

Tough choices get easier, love grows, peace abounds.

It's a cycle - a good one.
Such a refreshing change from the cycle of chaos and despair that I used to engage in!

Sometimes I veer a bit, take a detour off the healthy cycle and fall back into that negative one. That's human.

Get back on the good ride, SoConfused. You'll be fine.

Hugs to you!
-TC