ICant

I have been to Al-Anon and I know what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to detach from what my alcoholic husband is doing and focus on my recovery.

Now to completely ignore that advice...
Once I told him I was leaving he said he would give up alcohol and go to counselling. So I stayed. Then later he said that he would still have drinks at social BBQ's and parties. Then later he said that he would now and then go to the pub for a couple of drinks and then drive home (he won't be drunk because he has to drive). Then later he asked me if he could buy some alcohol to have at home. It has been a month - if that - since the day I wanted to leave.

For the record we have started counselling together with an addiction specialist. Other positives are that he has been less angry and has treated me with more respect. I told him that I wouldn't try and control his drinking so I have no problem with any of the above. My boundary is that I never want to see him drunk in front of me or the kids or I will leave. That boundary is still intact because he has been on his best behaviour but how long will it last?

I'm actually quite angry at myself because it is the same old. How is this different from any other time? I suspect he will slide into old habits. I can't leave now because besides the fact that he hasn't given up, nothing bad is happening. But I know how this ends. It will eventually get ugly. It has happened two times before. The first time he tried to minimise his drinking without support. The second time (this time), he is trying to control it with telephone support plus some counselling as a couple. So if it happens again it will be the third time. Then what will he have up his sleeve? "No, this time I'll do AA".

I still want to leave.

freeflower

I used to tell my stbxah that someday, I could possibly not care anymore, that my love would be gone and thats what happened. It took 28.5 years to really happen, actually about 26.5, I lived with no real romantic feelings for this man for the last 2 years before I finally left. It was so sad and still is. I quit trying because nothing I did or said ever worked and I tryed everthing. I detached before I ever really heard about it and I couldn't live that way so I left.
I know how this sucks. Keep posting
A big hug for you

kingston

"I can't leave now because besides the fact that he hasn't given up, nothing bad is happening. "

I used to think that way to when I was involved with my AH until I finally left (after 24 years of broken promises) and realized just what I was allowing to happen to MY peace of mind.

Play the tape all the way to the end, you say you know what will happen. So are you content with that? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Keep reading and posting here on SR, it's a treasure house of information and support - K.

freeflower

Kingston, when I found SR a while before I left, I remember that quote," nothing changes if nothing changes". It really struck a nerve with me and when I left, I told ah that. I said get ready for a BIG change because nothing changes if nothing changes and I"M CHANGING IT!

Barbara52

Then do so. There is nothing holding you back but yourself. There is nothing wrong with acting on your own behalf, taking action to make your life better. Remember leaving does not have to be permanent. You can leave now and go back later is that is what seems right to you. Some have left and returned after the A in their life truly began recovery and maintained sobriety for X period of time. Some leave and decide never to go back.

GiveLove

I reserve the right to leave any relationship -- any situation -- in which I'm not happy. You can too.

There will always be excuses to stay. He's not beating me. It's Christmas. His birthday's coming up. I don't make enough money to maintain my current lifestyle. He went to one meeting last week.

I'm not sure how long you think you have on this planet, ICant, but I know I could walk out my door and get hit by a bus and killed or paralyzed today, right now. I'm no longer willing to say, "Well, I want to xxx but I can't," because I don't know how much time I have left here, and I don't want to waste it.

I didn't always have that attitude. It took counseling to help me figure out that for the first thirty years of my life I thought I didn't deserve a good life, so it was no big deal to stay in one that stunk. I too would've called myself "ICant" because, in reality, "IWouldnt".

Anyway --- you're not chained there. You are your own woman and can live whatever life you wish. Can you picture a happy one, where you love waking up in the morning? It's very, very possible.

Hugs,
GL

Pajarito

So nothing bad has happened? What does that mean? What would it take for you to really decide to act on your feelings? You want to leave- why don't you? You are obviously not happy- but you stay? I lived that way for a very long time. I was slowly detaching without even realizing it. That is no way to live. Bad things happened, I dealt with them; I was miserable, scared, frustrated. . . I no longer want to live that way. I want to wake up every day grateful. I couldn't do that with STBXAH- but I can now. It's not easy, but it can be done. . . if I make that choice for myself.

Freedom1990

I am so grateful today that I am taking responsibility for my own happiness, and my life is not based on what someone else is/isn't doing.

GrowingPains

We also tried counseling and even though I felt uncomfortable with his refusal to quit drinking, I agreed to compromise on the issue. My only two requirements were 1. Moderate drinking only, as in no getting drunk ever again and 2. No drinking at all prior to social events he will accompany me to.

I figured if he could honestly control his drinking the way he said he could, these simple requests wouldn't be a problem.

Long story short -- he couldn't / wouldn't comply with either request. (I know you're all shocked) The positive side is trying the counseling and "compromise" attempt made me feel like I'd left no stone unturned in my attempt to save my marriage, so it was easier to separate.

ICant

Growing Pains. That is exactly what I intend to do. Bite my tongue, keep going with it. I can leave knowing that I met him halfway. He believes he is a social drinker. If he truly is then he will be able to moderate his drinking and I won't have any problems. If not, I'll leave. Right now, I am sceptical but I guess I need this final proof so there are no doubts in my mind.

freya

Wow, Icant, I find the user-name you have chosen to be very, very intriguing in the context of the content of your posts.

I'm thinking in particular about this famous cinematic exchange:

Luke to Yoda: "I can't."

Yoda to Luke: "That is why you fail."

I'd be very interested in hearing about how and why you chose that user-name and what, exactly, it means to you.

freya

denny57

Unless you're under lock and key, you can leave. If you choose not to that's another story. When I was using the phrase "I can't" it kept me in victim mode and I didn't have to be responsible for my choices.

Bernadette

I still want to leave.

You are free in this moment to make your own choices.

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. There is nowhere a decree that says you can ONLY leave if he keeps drinking. You are an adult with free will. If time and tide have made this an unworkable relationship then let it be.

Peace and (((hugs)))
B.

Daisy30

....I could have wrote this same thing almost word for word...and probably a dozen more here too


I think you already have the proof....

but we are already when we are ready. Take some time to work on you. Get a savings together that he can't touch. So when you are ready you have the freedom to go ((()))

ICant

I can't is in reference to I can't cope with the drinking and the abuse. I know I can leave and I will be ok, as will the kids. In fact when it comes to the children, the younger the better it is to get them out of the toxicity.

Ladies, you are tough people! Thank you all for the replies. You are right in that I can leave now but I choose not to for the reason that I gave - namely to confirm to myself that he is not a 'social drinker'. THE last chance and trust me it is. For the people that have been there, done that, you might think I'm crazy but I guess I need to go down that path too for myself. The post is titled Same old but with each drinking drama, there is something different about me.

LorraeOz

Hi ICant,

I had just been thinking about posting today on SR and getting the advice of the 'wise women' here, but I read the posts first and discovered you had beat me to it. You are living my life in parallel!!

I too am giving my AH his last chance. I told him I wanted to separate about 4 weeks ago, he broke down crying pleading with me to give him one last chance to prove to me that he could do it. He's already tried AA, Addictions Counselling and he "wasn't like those people". He claims he can be a social drinker too, and he has succeeded - until tonight. He is currently passed out on the bed fully clothed. I too had to give him this last chance to show me that he couldn't do it - that I was right. Of course, it's all my fault, if I could only show him more affection he wouldn't have to drink!!!!

So, why am I still with him??? I've thought about this constantly for the past few weeks and I am running out of excuses. The hope that he could be a social drinker was my last try. I'm already thinking that it's too close to Christmas to do anything now - who am I kidding.

I guess I'm not much help, but just to let you know you are not on your own. Wishing you the best.

Lorrae (also in Aus)

:ghug3

Pajarito

I don't know about tough- I feel strong and assertive- like I'm really starting to stand up for myself. Maybe there really is no difference.

I wanted to respond to your giving him one last chance. I have to say in my own experience that I did EVERYTHING I felt I had to to make sure what I was doing was right for me. First I stepped back and let STBXAH be who he was. For the first time in my life I just completely let go. What I saw was not pretty. He did zero to make anything better between us- and I expected/hoped he would quit drinking, see the light, come home, apologize, talk to me in a meaningful way- but no. What I got was blaming, anger, immature behavior. . . it was appalling. All I could think of was that when left to his own devices- when he didn't have me putting my foot up his a** he really let it all hang out.

In the meantime I continued to work on myself. I went to counseling, I read, I talked to friends and family- I even spoke to priest who is active in al-anon, and I continued to patiently wait to see what would come to me. I decided I could not work with STBXAH- one person can only do so much in a marriage, and I had been carrying the load for years. I was tired and I wanted more. It took me time- and I gave myself that. I do not take divorce lightly- and I still do not want to be divorced- but I also know I cannot live with STBXAH. He is not who I thought he was- and every day I need to remind myself of that fact.

If it takes you time to come to your decisions, I say- all the better. I preferred to be patient- after all, I had spent 18 years with the man, why run to get a divorce? I had to be sure- and in the time it took me to work on myself I became stronger and more confident- more sure of what would be right for me. The focus- for the first time in a long time- was, and now is on me. Everyone gets where they need to go in their own time. (((Take care!)))

denny57

Finding out I was right was a hollow victory. That was followed by a long period of sadness and depression. I had to get down to the hard work of my own recovery.

equinessa

Lol Anvilhead. Do you mind if I quote you on the cauliflower example?

"when is it OK for YOUR life to be about more than how much and how often somebody else drinks"...........that is going to be my reminder for today. Thanks Anvilhead.

While we're on the topic of names - why anvilhead? Please don't tell me it's about the farrier's anvil withstanding the belting of a hammer.

Your posts present a head that is anything but a lump of metal.

equinessa

Has to be better than air head