Daisy30

Okay it is not really a plan...but I am working it out maybe I am just thinking it all out....

I need to leave AH. He is just getting worse and becoming emotionally abusive and saying horrible things to me and ODD.

He is currently trying to Detox at home by himself..no AA...no counseling...no reading (this has about a 10% chance if that)
But you can imagine how much fun it is living w/someone doing this.

It's not that I don't want to be supportive....I just can't. Emotionally I have to protect myself and i CAN'T JUMP ON THE BAND WAGON (AGAIN). If he wants to get sober he'll do it w/ or w/o my support.

So,

I need to get and apartment (currently looking) I don't work, but I have a savings that could get us by for a few months

probably should try to find something furnished

can I get an apptment w/o a job? I hope so! I could prepay...so maybe?

Should I just leave? Maybe I should let him know? Does it really matter?


what else?

I don't want a divorse I just need to be away from the insanity...Do I need to call a lawyer?

Is it dumb of me to think that maybe he will get sober and we can be together?

It makes me so so sad. I don't want to leave my house...my Christmas decorations the kids toys....but those are just things.

I keep daydreaming of what it will be like...is that nuts? It will be harder and yet easier....


Okay rambling done...any thoughts?

Live

Taking yourself out of the picture will help you gain some clarity, as you are now in the heat of things and putting out fires.

Yes, I think you should tell him, after you have everything lined up, that you are leaving for your own health reasons.

brundle

I wouldn't tell him until your ready to leave. I find I usually talk to my AH when I want him to talk me out of something.

Just my two cents...If it was easy to leave I would be long gone!

GiveLove

A plan is always a great thing even if you never use it.

Here are some thoughts that you might consider too:

Although you are not a battered woman, battered women's organizations sometimes are tapped in to great resources - you might talk to them about what an unemployed woman with some savings might do in terms of a rental.

Talking to a lawyer doesn't have to cost anything - there is often Legal-Aid, and many/most offer a free consultation before taking you on. You can explore the waters there.

Do you have a post office box? A bank account he can't reach, with statements going somewhere he can't see them? That was essential for me.

You'll get a wide variety of opinions here on whether to tell him or not. The one that resonates most with me (for what it's worth) is Barbara's -- she was very clear that she was leaving, but did not give a specific date. As I understand it, that kept him from being able to make a crisis out of her moving day (B52?)

A good plan is your friend -- you're a wise woman to start sketching one out!!!

resentful wife

Is there anyway you can make him leave? After all you have the childern, it would be your life and thiers that would be disrupted not his. Your leaving just makes it easier on him not you. Maybe speak to a lawyer? Know your rights, you do have them.
Linda

ToughChoices

Hi, daisy30! I'm so glad that you're here!

I recently moved out of the home I shared with my husband and into my own (teeny-tiny) rental house.

I started thinking about the move about 2 months before I decided to take action. I did not share my "place of my own" fantasy with my husband - there wasn't any point. I wasn't dreaming about leaving in order to spur him to action (read: quit drinking) - I'd tried the whole "clean up your act or I'm outta here" routine before with little success.

The "thinking about it" phase didn't really involve much in the way of physical action on my part. It was more about preparing mentally for the split. When the time came for me to go - I knew - and I went.

I drove around the neighborhoods that I loved - big trees, restored homes, wide sidewalks, great parks - and looked for rental signs. I live in a college town, and there are TONS of cottages for rent behind the gorgeous older homes around campus. I saw a sign, called the number, and got the ball rolling.

I am a full-time student in professional school, and I'm not working right now. With my savings and student loans, my landlords were willing to work with me. I told them about the situation with AH, and they actually took $50/ month off the rent!

Talk about a blessing!

I think finding landlords who were accustomed to renting to students was helpful in this regard - I looked at a professionally managed apartment that was much less flexible about my income. My father agreed to co-sign on the lease, and I went from living at home to living on my own in 2 weeks.

You need your own checking account, savings account, and opening a line of credit in your name (and only your name!) will be helpful, as well.

If you need your AH's help with finances, (child-support during separation, etc...) I'd definitely recommend seeing an attorney to talk about legal separation. The initial consultation is usually free - make up a list of questions before you go in.

If you can find a furnished apartment it would make life easier, but I didn't see too many in my area. I took the bed from our guestroom, an old TV from the garage, and a bunch of donations from friends and family. You'd be shocked how many people have old furniture hanging around, ready to be put to good use in your new home. Just ask!

While my husband didn't like the idea of me moving out, he got over it.
He actually helped me move.

I put it all in terms of my needs when I talked to him about it.
"I need to feel safe. I need a place of my own where I can learn to free myself of my obsession with other people's problems. I need to address my issues with codependency. I need to take care of myself."

I think that by being able to approach the separation as something to help me, not something to punish him (and meaning it!) - we've been able to stay on friendly terms.

Sorry to go on so long....I just wanted you to know that I've walked this path successfully. It can be done!

Best of luck and keep us posted!
-TC

Daisy30

That was how I used to think. That he should leave...but really our lives are disrupted either way. Yes, it would make things easier...but really it won't happen

I got him to leave once. He stayed away for a few days and then came back he tried to stay sober....but didn't

TC thanks for that....It was nice to read ....I too live in a college town so maybe I can find someone to work with me

I've been scanning the ads in the paper

thanks for all the other great ideas...I will look into them. It gives me a great place to start.


Lots of good reminders too...I think I may have cancelled all my cc that were only in my name since I just use the joint one....I'll definately have to check into it.

ToughChoices

My original plan was for my husband to move out, leaving myself and my son in the only home that my four year-old had ever known.
AH didn't share that plan.

So, I went to Plan B.

And, it's been a good one. My space is entirely my own - no bad memories and I get to decorate however I like!

My son loves his new room, and we're right across the street from the park.

Even when the A doesn't follow your script, life can still be beautiful.

Stubborn1

Ok Let me ask you this. Why not divorce him? What are you hoping will happen? He should be the one to leave. This should be difficult on him, not easy.
To me this sounds like an idle threat. Like you are trying to teach him a lesson. More like you are going to spend money for no reason. I see no lessons to be learned here.
Especially with a child involved.
If he is in fact ODD and abusive verbally then why stay married? This is not something to teter with. Yes you may have a history but is it really worth your future? Is it?
Is it dumb to think he will become sober? Considering the conditions you have made for him.........yes, it's not in your favor.
I've also lived this.

Honestly, What makes you think he will stop being abusive? Just because he is no longer drinking? The alcholic behavior is embedded in his head. Burned into his brain. He has mental issues as well on top of alcoholism mentality.
A lawyer will only tell you what you probably already know.
You move out of the house then the house becomes his because you abandoned it. Not a good move.
Regardless if he is a drinker they will push for shared custody. Since you left the house and can show you can afford it on your own there goes your chances of spousal support or alimony.
Think about all of this before you act.
I would personally stay in the house, file for child support, file for seperation and have him moved out. NOT you.
Just what I know from living it.
Good luck whatever you do. I just know what doesn't work. Your plan just benefits him.

jennygirl73

Stubborn1,
Thank you for your advice. After the argument tonight I know I need to move, get out whatever. Now I know that I need a plan and some solid legal advice. This is going to be messy, and he is really mean now. I don't want our daughter to get hurt or punished by my rash behavior and desire to flee.

Stubborn1

The best parent you can be is the parent that speaks for the child, protects the child no matter at what cost. By doing the things to keep her safe now you are showing her what her future will be like. Do you allow her to grow up and be with an abuser because that's all she knows? Or does she grow up to be a strong independant woman because that's what her mother is?
I believe once I had children my life was no longer mine. It was all about them and their future. Anything less then protecting them from harm was abuse in my eyes. *not you* but the way I saw myself if I allowed anything wrong to happen in front of them. It was then my fault and something I could have controlled. It was no longer my life but theirs I made all my moves for.

jennygirl73

I would do anything for my daughter, except live with an alcoholic that doesn't love or respect me. I deserve better than that. The only way that I know how to show her that she also deserves better is to pick up, move on and start over.

Daisy30

I don't think I am ready for a divorce. I guess my hope is that he will get sober someday.

My thought is that while he SHOULD leave it is just not realistic. I also don't think that makes it easy on him. yeah he'll have the house....but not his kids or wife.

he is not ODD (I meant ODD meaning= older dd) The verbal abuse has just recently popped up. It has happened a few times. I know it will get worse (which is why I need to leave)


I suspect once sober he would not be verbally abusive. It is very out of character for him. When he starts...I usually ask him to go to bed. With in a few minutes he's passed out.
I agree there would need to be deep therepy for him....but right now i am thinking about me
what is best for me at this momment? And that is to be away. I have to work through this in a way that is good for me and my recovery. I have no problem leaving and wasting money....it is the price I will pay for sanity. And it may be wrong but the all mighty $$ doesn't rule me. I am educated and can work. I don't need his money. If he wants to contribute he can, if not that is his choice.

AH is a good man he is also a sick man. I am really not out to punish him or to rescue him. I am just trying to figure out what is good for me and the kids right now KWIM?

prodigal

Although I don't think you have to get a divorce right away, please seriously consider getting legal advice. Jobs are tight in this economy. Credit is limited. I don't know, although I could be wrong, if you could easily rent an apartment if you're not employed.

You don't have to make every decision today. I know how if feels when an A is wrecking havoc in everyone's lives and you're going on adrenaline and raw emotions. But sometimes we'll go into reaction mode rather than taking-action mode.

Keep your money in a separate account. Don't let him know in which bank you've deposited your funds. How about temp work for the time being? Getting established financially in some way gives you a bit more independence.

And a lawyer may have ideas on how to get your AH out of the house so you can live there in peace. Start keeping a record of his verbal tirades, any sort of abuse - be it emotional, verbal, or (I hope not!) physical. How much does he drink? Do you have any idea how much he's spending on his addiction - any receipts laying around that you could keep as record?

Believe me, I KNOW how it feels to want to get out of the insanity with an A. I spent the last two years of my marriage to exAH planning. And I mean PLANNING. When I walked, I had a secure job, a broken-down car, my cat, and my clothing and files. The rest of my stuff I got out of the house, courtesy of the county police and a court order.

I thought it would be messier than it was. But I didn't try to bite off more than I could chew all at once. Sometimes we can over-stress ourselves just running our plans over and over in our heads and trying to figure out every last detail.

Separate your money. Start looking for a job - ANY job. Start generating an income. Detach from his quacking. Avoid him when he gets belligerent. Don't engage in worthless arguments.

Nothing ever goes perfectly according to our plans. But I survived it and I got out. I did it once, so I'm not stressing that I can do it again.

Stay safe and see a good family law attorney.