msexy2

:prayingI have a very dear friend who has every "sign" of alcoholism but has trouble admitting it.
When we were young it was always funny because "Bob" always showed up at the parties at 4 am ready to keep the party going.
As he went away to college he continued to drink more and more.
Now that we are mid 20's his drinking AND drinking while intoxicated has gotten out of control. He will drive home and pass out in his truck in the driveway...lucky to have gotten home at all, but not remembering how he got there.
Often times when he would spend the night at my husband and my house, he would wake up and open a beer at 8am.
Recently I met his on again off again long distance grilfriend, and it killed me to know that he had been hooking up with other girls every time he got drunk.
Today she found out that he had been cheating on him, so as one of his close "girlfriends" she had been talking to me.
When I talked to him today he is completly devistated about her breaking it off with him. He admits that he has a problem with getting drunk and hooking up with girls.
He admits that drinking directly causes him to cheat on his girl friend, and keeps saying "I know I have a problem" and says "I know I could stop" but he wont admit that is ready to. He says he isn't ready to grow up, but sooner or later he is going to kill someone, and I drive the same streets he does; and he gets really upset if I mention him killing someone like ME!!
But I dont know if he is ready, how do I help him if he admits he has a problem, but wont admit "what kind of problem"?
Thanks

prodigal

There's a saying that goes around the rooms in A.A. about the A having a plan to make a plan to stop drinking.

This brings to mind the day my husband came into my office in our home, and slurring his words said, "I know I have a drinking problem."

Okay. Sure. So what? I know I have blonde hair.

The next time your friend gets behind the wheel and you are fully aware he is driving under the influence, call the police ASAP with his whereabouts, license number, and make of vehicle. If you're lucky, he'll get pulled over and perhaps spend an evening in the county jail.

As far as him being ready to sober up, he's not. He won't admit to the reality of his problem. He is not ready to grow up. There's your answer.

Other than trying to keep him off the streets while intoxicated, you might want to give him some space. It sounds as if you are very involved in his life as far as his drinking and using women goes. Sorry to sound blunt, but he's USING women. If he isn't using protection, you might consider suggesting he get checked for STD's.

I've lived with addicts my entire life. And it took me almost my entire life to figure out that if they're set on destroying themselves, they will. Nobody and nothing can stop them. Free choice. Free will. Freedom to exercise one's rights. It's tragic, it's sad, and it's true.

GiveLove

I wish there were some easy 1-2-3 answer to your question.

Unfortunately, there isn't. Or really, there is -- it's prodigal's answer.

He is a grown man and in order for him to find recovery from alcoholism he needs to not just admit it but also seek help, of his own free will, FOR himself. No one can force this on him, or coerce him into it. He's got to reach his own bottom.

I have printed out listings of AA meetings for people, told them I cared about them, and let it go. (I too would turn someone in rather than live with the guilt I'd feel if they killed someone while driving drunk) I don't know what you had in mind -- that perhaps there was some magical combination of words that might help -- but honestly, there's little you can do. You can pray, if you pray, that he finds the right road.

Until then, I hope that you can step away from the chaos, the drama, and the "front row seat" you seem to have on his life. It can't be doing YOUR mental health any good, can it? Sure, he's a friend, but he's a friend whose actions are his own, and who has to find his own way.

Good luck to both of you.

Bernadette

I have printed out listings of AA meetings for people, told them I cared about them, and let it go

This is also my tactic - it didn't used to be though - I thought if I could just get someone to admit they had a problem or if I could just say the right thing then *ding* they would quickly get sober & get help.

Little less talk, little more action! Does not matter what I say - or what they say. Actions tell us ALL we need to know. Just turn the sound off and watch what people do, that'll show you where they are at.

Now I just would just hand them the local AA tel # and let go and let Goddess!!

It isn't easy to accept I have no power over their decisions and suffering. But I don't. And I am a healthier and stronger person for realizing it and accepting it. But it is sad, to see a person you love and once respected throw their life away on alcohol. So sad.
Take care of yourself--
Peace-
B.