mydadsadrunk

Hi All,

I hope you can offer me some suggestions or understanding..

I'm a 23 year old female and the daughter of a drunk.

My dad has been a drunk for as long as I can remember and is also father to 3fantastic children and has a wonderful wife who he married at the age of 19. My dad is now in his 50's and after a lifetime of drugs/alcohol abuse and years of rehab is still a drunk.

This is the first post for me, and also the first time that I have told my secret as I was made to feel ashamed and embarrassed as a child about my father.

Dad has had years and years of support and love from his family and was sober for a period of 6 years after my baby brother was born (now 15 years old). My dad is also has depression and dipolar.

My childhood is filled with no happy memories of my father, only those of being in a dressing gown on a cold winters night when we would drive around for hours looking for my dad only to find him in a pub, police station, or hospital beaten up.

Dad has been suicidal all his life and have lost count of the amount of times his wanted to kill himself even though he has a loving family.

I left home when I was 15 years old to escape the sad depressing lifestyle that I had at home, an older sister who was also suicidal (inherited bipolar from my dad) and mother who was mean, abusive and took her anger out on myself as a teenager.

Long story short, I'm now 23, my dad lives at home with my Mum/sister/brother in another state and I'm in Queensland with my future husband.

Dad goes through periods where he is sober for 6 months then disappears on a bender for a week at a time taking drugs, speed, etc gets beaten up then arrives back home a few weeks later.. his in a depressive state for weeks following then improves and does the same thing all over again.

His been given everything to try and make him 'happy', cars (his passion) a baby son, etc but nothing helps.

How long will this go on for? My dads in his 50's now and still acting like an 18 year old.. he was drinking in a car park all by himself last night until the early hours of the morning.. he doesn’t understand alcohol makes his depression worse, he hears voices and gets himself in trouble when ever his drunk.

Its painful to see my little brother live through what I did, seeing you dad come home with a broken nose/black eyes from more pub fights and worrying about him being suicidal constantly. Then you’re mum constantly crying because she cant cope.

I love my dad. When his sober (and takes his medication) his fantastic, kind, gentle, caring, generous, funny, just a fantastic guy.. but when my dads a drunk it causes so much pain.. I don’t know how much more my mum can take.. she tries to kick him out or send him to rehab (for the 20th time) but then he says he will kill himself.

What can I do? I know nothing can change until he helps himself, but what do I do, sit back and watch him drink until his death?

We have tried holidays, medication, rehab, talking to him, letters... nothing works for more than a few months... I feel so disappointed all over again...



Any my poor brother.. growing up living with all of this..

K.

chickenlady

I understand! I grew up with a drunk dad. I grew up thinking it was normal as I knew no other. I remember him being physical to my mom and my sisters. Never me, I was the baby, spoiled at that too. I remember the phone being ripped from the wall and furniture being smashed. Boy I hated that. Those memories of my dad are etched in stone with me forever. He ended up taking his own life at the age of 53 years old. Again, we were left to pick up the broken pieces. Keep your chin up. Maybe take your brother to hang out with you for a weekend or so. Let him see what a normal life should look like. I'll be thinking of you.

Chickee!

GiveLove

K --

Glad you found us, though of course I wish it were under different circumstances...but we're glad you're here. Read through a page or two of the posts on this forum and you will see a lot of alcoholic chaos just like you describe. So, sad as it is, you're in good company here.

There's a statement we have here: We didn't cause this, we can't control it, we can't cure it. As horrific as his behavior is, you can't control your dad's alcoholism or mental problems. You also can't control your mom's choice to stay with him - she appears to have done so for a long time and is a willing participant in this drama.

You ask this:
In my own experience, I chose not to "watch" any more. I couldn't control what was going on. I couldn't make them stop. But I could choose not to take part in the madness any more - I stopped taking calls from the alcoholics in my life when they were drunk, I stopped talking about them incessantly with my siblings and other loved ones, and I tore myself away from the chaos and focused on my own life. I had help -- Al-Anon meetings, this place, personal counseling all helped me recover from the damage that had been done to me when I was younger (I left home at 16 for much the same reasons you did) and helped me to see my proper role in this.

I couldn't save them - and I decided not to watch any longer.

You can probably be of a lot of help to your younger brother, though. He is still stuck there (for now) and could probably use some education about alcoholism and some support. You may want to learn all you can about this disorder (the Sticky posts at the top of the forum's first page can be really helpful, and the posts about book recommendations etc.). Arm yourself and your brother with knowledge.

The two of you can't save your dad's life, but you can save your own.

Sometimes, as sad as it seems, people have to take the journey they're on. If your dad chooses recovery some day, you can celebrate. Until then, you can live your life to the fullest and pray (in whatever way you pray) that he finds his way.

Know that you have a support system here. There are loads of wise, experienced, helpful people here who will listen and offer support. Please keep posting and participating.....it helped me a lot.

Strength,
GL

p.s. There is no need for this to be a secret any more. You didn't do this and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You've survived the worst of it and are building a new life for yourself -- you may find keeping it a secret is unhealthy and unnecessary, and might be holding you back from your own healing -- again, I can say this because it's also what I did. Nowadays, no secrets -- and I can breathe deeply again.

cmc

In Al-Anon I learn to detach from the drama and pain. It might mean detaching in physical ways, but more importantly I have been helped by learning to detach emotionally and mentally. The only way I know to do that is to take advantage of the help that is available _for me_ and that includes:counseling, meetings, reading literature about addiction and recovery for myself, plus coming here to SR.

You can offer some excellent help for your younger brother by introducing him to your local Al-Ateen organization. Maybe he would take you up on an offer to go with him to a meeting.

Daisy30

you can Go to Alanon and start taking care of you

It may never end for him.....until he hits his bottom or he dies.....nothing changes if nothing changes

(((hugs))) keep posting you find many here who share your story

mydadsadrunk

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for your words of support..

Its painful to watch and see someone you love struggle with this constantly, to feel so low that your only option is to drink your sorrows away.. and to not care if you live or die.. have seen first hand how this effects children (my older sister in particular) and would hate to see my brother go down the same path.. his an angry young man because he doesnt understand it.

Thanks again and will look at some past posts, I'm sure it will help me understand.

love K

GiveLove

:ghug3

Thanks2HP

When I was growing up we had to walk on eggshells around my dad unless he was drinking. When he was drunk he was a nice guy. When he was sober he was restless, irritable, discontent and seemed to be very uncomfortable in his own skin. I inherited some of that but not to the extreme of which he suffered.

So, while I haven't experienced what you have I wanted to wish you well in finding a way to cope with your situation. There are some good suggestions, Al-Anon being one of them.

A book that helped me let go of resentments towards my parents long before I got into recovery was "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. It helped me realize and accept that there was nothing I could do to change what my childhood had been like... It helped me to realize and accept that there was nothing I could do to "fix" my parents.


Best of luck, I wish you well. - R

ICant

I would strongly recommend going to Al-Anon. Even if you decide never to see your father again, it will help you understand your childhood and why you are the way you are. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive although not an alcoholic. I have married an alcoholic who is of course emotionally and verbally abusive. Before we got married there were times where he was abusive but I didn't 'hear it' because I was so used to that kind of abuse. I thought it was normal for a man to get rid of his anger by yelling and mocking. I'm only speaking from my own perspective and I don't mean to offend you and your future husband but I think you need to debrief from your childhood and make sure you are whole within yourself before you marry.

Daisy30

you should try to get your brother into Al anon too...
it will help him understand it better...and release some of the anger.

I find anger comes when we refuse to except the truth

Chrysalis123

Thank you fro posting and welcome. You have found a great group of supportive people many that have walked the path you are on.

I thought that I wasn't affected by the alcoholic insanity that was around me as a kid. I was wrong about that until one year ago when I hit my bottom, woke up and realized I had created a mess of my life. What happened to me and around me as a kid influenced everything...I'm not exaggerating. The worst of is was I didn't know! I thought I was fine.

The things that helped me were Alanon, Alanon books, the book Codependent No More, individual counseling, and finding this site.

You have received some great words of wisdom in regards to your brother.

Keep posting!