Complicated Situation

Old 12-02-2008, 04:43 PM
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Thanks LaTeeDa

Totally agree that the kids are innocent bystanders and I want to do whatever will affect them the least. I just need to figure out what that is. I also agree with all the poster saying to consult with a lawyer and I have made an appt. to do that this week. I also think that I should get a breathalyzer.
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Old 12-02-2008, 04:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Franticwife View Post
she has known from the start that you didn't love her, and I just wonder if that is the reason she started drinking.
I've spent a lot of time cultivating the belief that no one causes another person's alcoholism.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

I have compassion for a woman whose husband does not love her.
I also have compassion for a man whose wife is drinking alcoholically, thereby rendering her unable to parent their children.

This is a sad situation. For everyone.
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Old 12-02-2008, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by houston28 View Post
I also think that I should get a breathalyzer.
Maybe I'm just naive but isn't a breathalyzer kind of mute? I'm trying to picture the scenario... your girls need a ride, your wife says "I'll run them up there", then you say... OK honey, just blow in this first... OK?

I could tell in a heart beat when M was drunk... just by the look in her eyes. I didn't need a breathalyzer and it wouldn't have stopped her from driving because I couldn't be there all the time. And when things were at their worst here I have told my boys (from a previous marriage) don't get in the car with M. I understand your girls are much younger but I'm just wondering if that would really produce the desired result.

You mentioned earlier something about five car accidents... was she drinking?Was she ever charged with a DUI? Also, is this her first rehab? Was it a 30 day in house with a solid follow up program? Has she attended AA meetings regularly?
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Old 12-02-2008, 06:25 PM
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jazzman

I also know when my wife has been drinking and I cannot control if she is driving around with my kids after drinking. I wanted to get the breathalyzer for those times when I know she is drunk and she lies to me and says she has not been.

She has never gotten a DUI. One accident was close to home and she said it was a hit and run and was unable to get the plate number of the car that supposedly hit her. I have paid for a new suspension and the mechanics said that what happened could have only happened if the car jumped a curb. Wife said she doesn't remember going up on a curb. I guess she has gotten very lucky.

She was in rehab for just ten days and came out very positive about her sobriety. She is attending AA meetings almost every night. At least that what she tells me, but I can't go out and follow her around when I need to be home with my girls.
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Old 12-02-2008, 06:33 PM
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I didn't need a breathalyzer to know my boyfriend was lying. He was an alcoholic. He drank. Every day. And he lied about it every time I asked him if he'd been drinking.

From what you've shared here, your wife lies about her drinking, she lies about where she's been, who she's been talking to, who's she's been sleeping with, who was responsible for her multiple car accidents. She lies.

She's a drinker, a cheater, and a liar. That's a given. So why waste your time, money, or energy on a breathalyzer? Wouldn't it be a better use of time to focus on how to protect your children from her?
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Old 12-02-2008, 09:12 PM
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My E, S, and H for you is to continue to be honest and upfront about your feelings, whatever they may be. Honesty is something I expect in a relationship and is directly tied to my ability to trust. In my opinion, it is almost hypocritical to expect honesty and not give it in return. Someone mentioned in an earlier post that it was bad timing when you expressed yourself. I have to ask if there really is a great time to tell someone, " hey..I don't know if I have ever loved you and I might wanna leave?" I'm a personal believer in the cliche that the truth shall set you free...
So, hugs to you...cause I can say that for me, it was hard, hard, hard living with an active A and making clear healthy decisions. Take a deep breath Houston. Take care.
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Old 12-02-2008, 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
Maybe I'm just naive but isn't a breathalyzer kind of mute? I'm trying to picture the scenario... your girls need a ride, your wife says "I'll run them up there", then you say... OK honey, just blow in this first... OK?

I could tell in a heart beat when M was drunk... just by the look in her eyes. I didn't need a breathalyzer and it wouldn't have stopped her from driving because I couldn't be there all the time.

Umm... actually, that is EXACTLY the scenario that sent me to rehab and down my recovery path as of 10 months ago. I was saying I wasn't drinking but was hiding wine bottles everywhere. When my husband asked if I'd been drinking, I lied and thought I was effective. He knew I wasn't telling the truth but it was hard for him to believe I would be so blatant and stupid about it. When you are looking at the mother of your children, you don't want to believe.

I gave him the breathylyzer to prove I had nothing to hide. (I get stupider and stupider in this story.)

One night, after I'd been drinking for hours, I was going to put 2 of my 4 kids in the car and drive them 20 minutes on the freeway to their dad's house. (Kids from a prior marriage.) I didn't feel like there was anything wrong with me. I felt normal. My normal was drunk off my a$$. I didn't even know it. I'd been drinking for 25 years.

I said goodbye to my husband and told the kids to get in the car. My husband said, casually, "You, know, just to make me feel better, I want you to blow in that breath test you got me. I'll just feel better." I followed him up the stairs with my heart beating a million miles a minute. I knew I was going to be exposed. I'd had 2 bottles of wine in probably 2-3 hours.

I had all kinds of scenarios run through my brain as I went up the stairs. Grab my purse and run scenarios. Escape out the back scenarios. And then we were in my bedroom and he was unwrapping the breath test and reading the instructions. My legs wouldn't hold me up I was so scared. I sat on the bed and took the test. He looked at it and dropped in on the bed and walked out saying, I guess the kids are staying here tonight.

And finally, for the first time ever in my life, I fell down on my knees and I begged for help with my alcoholism. I admitted to God that I was an alcoholic then and there for the first time ever. And I begged him to help me.

I don't know why it took a simple un-masking of my deceit in order for me to get help and find recovery. But that's exactly what it took. Prior to that, I'd been drinking for 9 months and hiding it - saying what I thought others wanted to hear, but never really "getting it" inside myself. Prior to that, I'd been openly drinking for 24 years without ever accepting in any way that I had a problem.

Don't assume a breathylyzer is mute.

Just because you can tell your wife has been drinking, doesn't mean a breath test couldn't be a powerful tool. And obviously, Jazzman, it's not intended for times when you aren't there to administer it. It's intended precisely for when you are there and she is lying to you.
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Old 12-02-2008, 10:00 PM
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Where the breathaliser may be useful for satisfying your knowledge that your wife isn't drinking at that particular moment, it won't alter the fact that if she wants to she can get a negative reading and then go for the whole box and bottle once you are out of range. Whilst she is out for example. I think it also keeps your focus on your AW, feeds your obsession with her drinking. To me it is just another version of counting empties. (Oh how I know this futile act of counting bottles). It serves no purpose whatsoever, except to wreck your day, and perhaps give your AW the amunition to accuse you of trying to control her behaviour, which of course, you are. We all have and do, but we are learning not to one day at a time.

Houston I don't have any idea how you are going to stop your AW driving when ever she wants to with or without the children in the car. But I suspect that in the US, as in Aust there are child protection laws within family law that can at the very least become court orders. Enforcing those laws is another matter entirely. Even if you separate there is every chance that your AW will have joint custody. If her disease remains untreated she will continue to drive under the influence of alcohol with and without the children in the car.

You are going to see a Lawyer so that is the first step in using the law to protect your children. But IMHO a step toward the doors of Al-anon may give you the support needed to deal with all of this yourself, and that will ultimately be of major benefit to your girls.
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Old 12-02-2008, 10:11 PM
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Originally Posted by baileyboop View Post
My E, S, and H for you is to continue to be honest and upfront about your feelings, whatever they may be. Honesty is something I expect in a relationship and is directly tied to my ability to trust. In my opinion, it is almost hypocritical to expect honesty and not give it in return. Someone mentioned in an earlier post that it was bad timing when you expressed yourself. I have to ask if there really is a great time to tell someone, " hey..I don't know if I have ever loved you and I might wanna leave?" I'm a personal believer in the cliche that the truth shall set you free...
So, hugs to you...cause I can say that for me, it was hard, hard, hard living with an active A and making clear healthy decisions. Take a deep breath Houston. Take care.
This is a very insightful post. It got me thinking that it was really a chicken or egg question with me. Did I stop loving him because of the drinking, or was the love all in my imagination to begin with and the drinking just made me realize it? I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that question. It doesn't really matter now, but I know I was in denial for a really long time.

L
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Old 12-02-2008, 10:29 PM
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I, too, believe "the truth shall set you free." What my experience has been is that doesn't mean it always feel good. There can be serious repercussions to stating your truth and as I long as I realize I can't control other people's reactions to it, I'm fine.
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Old 12-02-2008, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by mle-sober View Post
Just because you can tell your wife has been drinking, doesn't mean a breath test couldn't be a powerful tool. And obviously, Jazzman, it's not intended for times when you aren't there to administer it. It's intended precisely for when you are there and she is lying to you.
I'm glad this worked for you. And for the sake of your children. However, I can only speak from the experience I've had with my AH, and the fact that I've lived with him long enough to know him pretty well. If I even suggested my AH try a breathalyzer, he'd tell me where I could stick it.
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Old 12-02-2008, 11:38 PM
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Breathalyzer + Active Alcoholic = Bad News

We used them as party favors to see who could blow the highest. If someones Wife bought one, we'd steal it...just a bad idea if the alcoholic was anything like me.

My experiences with them were about verbatim as this tasteless story...literally

TuckerMax.com | The Famous "Sushi Pants" Story

There has to be a better way...sorry...just my alky hat thinking.
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Old 12-03-2008, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
From what you've shared here, your wife lies about her drinking, she lies about where she's been, who she's been talking to, who's she's been sleeping with, who was responsible for her multiple car accidents.
I've gone back and re-read every post by Houston and I'm seeing she lied about her drinking prior to rehab (to be expected) and Houston suspects she relapsed and lied about that after her rehab. Maybe I'm missing something or maybe we're talking about two different posters...

Originally Posted by houston28 View Post
I wanted to get the breathalyzer for those times when I know she is drunk and she lies to me and says she has not been......

She was in rehab for just ten days and came out very positive about her sobriety. She is attending AA meetings almost every night. At least that what she tells me
The reason I was asking is because a two week rehab is kinda like rehab lite. Most programs worth their weight are 30 days in house, have a follow up program and encourage 90 AA meetings in 90 days after completing the in house program. Did she not complete the program or was it really just a two week program? It's a good thing she's going to AA meetings, if indeed she is.

I was also trying to get an idea if she had a court record of multiple DUIs. I see your point about the breathalyzer so thanks for clearing that up. It sounds like you want to ensure she is indeed taking her sobriety seriously.
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Old 12-03-2008, 07:43 AM
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I am out of my depth with this, but I have been reading your posts. Wouldn't using the breathalyzer just humiliate her and provoke her. If she is going to lie, then she will lie test or no test.

I completely understand about not wanting her to drive with the kids if she has been drinking. If that is even an option right now, then maybe driving with the kids should be off the table.

Don't want to add to your confusion, but these two things really stand out to me.
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:19 AM
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What will you do after April when your seasonal work starts up again and you are hardly there?
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I am out of my depth with this, but I have been reading your posts. Wouldn't using the breathalyzer just humiliate her and provoke her. If she is going to lie, then she will lie test or no test.
I was thnking the same thing. ALso isn't using a breathalyzer along the same lines of counting beers or whatever? Is it a good idea to play alcohol police? {shrug}

Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I completely understand about not wanting her to drive with the kids if she has been drinking. If that is even an option right now, then maybe driving with the kids should be off the table.
That sounds more like I would want to do.
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:33 AM
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Jazzman

Yeah it has to be a different poster as I do suspect my wife of cheating with other men. She did a rehab program that was basically covered by our insurance that they said would last anywhere from 1-2 weeks and she ended up doing like 11 days. She has been trying to do the 90 meetings in 90 days and since she has been home she supposedly is going and I have suspected her of drinking two times since she has been out of rehab but she definitely doesn't drink every day.

Denny

I have no idea about what happens in April. I mean how long does one have to be sober until they can be trusted with child care again. I mean I have faith that she will get better because I want my girls to have their mother. If we divorce I would like to have joint custody split 50/50. Obviously, if she is still drinking I will push for sole custody. The girls won't understand at all they adore their mother and in their eyes she can do no wrong.
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by houston28 View Post
I mean I have faith that she will get better because I want my girls to have their mother.
Thanks for responding. That is, I think, a really important statement to take a look at. I had faith xAH would get better for a lot of selfish reasons. I don't mean selfish in a judgmental way, either. I was blinded by how I wanted things to be in my ideal world and today I believe I hurt more than helped xAH in the process.

Check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. Many of my friends come from alcoholic homes and the stories are not pretty; the damage runs deep.

((( )))
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by houston28 View Post
I have faith that she will get better because I want my girls to have their mother.
On what do you base this "faith" that she will get serious about her recovery? I mean you are in here right now because she isn't staying sober.

As for the girls, yes, they love their mother. They are also learning from her what it means to be an adult woman and mother and wife. Are they learning what you would want them to learn? Lord knows I loved my alcoholic mother (still do) but I sure learned a whole lot of things from her and alcoholic dad that I wish I had never learned.
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:53 AM
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If/when you do talk to a lawyer I would suggest you approach it as a fact finding mission rather than going in with both guns blazing. Getting aggressive lawyers involved can be similar to staring a big snow ball effect where the momentum can get out of control. Getting educated as to the domestic laws of my state and my rights as a father helped me immensely when I went through my divorce. Much of it I could read up on the state judicial web site. I also learned just how hard it can be to prove a mother unfit, even in circumstances worse than your own.
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