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Hello everyone,
I have been reading throught the threads and find that they are very helpful to me. I often find myself saying "I know what that is like".

I have been in a relationship with an A for just over 3 years. He always says he wants to sober and is usually working on this (somewhat). He goes for a month and falls, then it may be a few days, a week, month.

I always go back to the place that he says he hates drinking and wants to stop. But truthfully, I am either a rescuer or persecuter to him. When I say no, you can not stay if you are drinking. He says, he can't be threatened when he falls and makes me feel like the bad guy. But I really am starting to see how he turns it on me. When I have boundaries, he just does not accept them. And I don't stand firm and give in. Oh, okay try again. He lies on the couch and detoxes for a few days. He always has 10,000 reasons why he drinks again, I always tired, my past, just thought I could have one, etc..

But I feel it is enough now. His words sound good but that is all they are. He is not in AA, seeing a counsellor, nothing. He always says he will do it his way with meditation,etc. Which always sounds good, but looking at reality he doesn't have a hobby, he has an addiction. He needs help.

I have come to the point where I feel he needs long term help or I know he will never change. He still feels he can control it and I should not get upset if he falls. But he has fell over 50-60 times, and even if I don't say anything about his drinking, it always escalates and he is gone for days and usually starts using drugs.

He also tells me how he feels he will die if he continues to drink. Which I think is true, but I feel he tells me this to make sure I always rescue him.

My issue, I don't follow through, I always feel it will change. When I stick to my guns, he says "okay, I understand I will leave". Easy as that apparently. Which upsets more as I am so disposable. But he will usually phone or come by later when I do not contact him and say no he needs help and wants to quit.

I AM STUCK, BUT WANT TO MOVE OFF THIS ROLLER COASTER!

Please help

Bravery is not the absence of fear; it is doing what we need to do in spite of our fear. I can't get you off that roller coaster, your friends can't get you off that roller coaster, your family can't get you off that roller coaster.

Nobody is going to scoop you up and rescue you. You'll remain stuck until you, and YOU ALONE, make the decision to get un-stuck.

He's an addict. He remains living in the world of magical thinking: "I can drink like regular folks. I can have a few when I feel like it. I don't have the compulsion to pick up."

Sorry, wrong. And he's proving to you that he can't do it over and over and over. When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will stand back and assess the situation, consider your options, and take action. Until then, you're gonna be stuck on the ride.

As far as his "controlling" his drinking; it's just another form of denial that he has a problem. His problem. His choices. His consequences. Just remember, "one drink is too many and a thousand drinks are never enough."

Hi toltecgirl! I'm glad you found this site! Are there any Al-anon meetings available in your area? I cannot stress enough how helpful these can be to you.

You talk about having boundaries, and through Al-anon maybe you can feel stronger about enforcing them and doing what is best for you.

I came to the point where I felt I needed long term help or I would never change.

I got the help, I changed, and my life has never been better.

Welcome to SR, toltecgirl, glad you're here!

Hugs to you, toltec. This isn't easy, that's for sure. So glad you found us!

If you go back through the threads, you'll notice an interesting thing. Lots and lots and lots of us, our first post is: I want this awful situation to change but I'm just not strong enough to do it.

Slowly, with lots of help (Al-Anon meetings, maybe counseling, this place, educating ourselves on codependency, etc.) we start to take baby steps - sometimes giant steps! - toward that thing we were absolutely sure we couldn't do.

Stick around, read the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum, especially the ones in "Classic Reading." Learn as much as you can. Maybe try an Al-Anon meeting -- they're not the meetings for the alcoholics, but rather the meetings for loved ones of alcoholics.

Think about what you want for YOURSELF, not for him. You can't change his behavior, and you can't change his choices. All the threats in the world can't make him want to go into recovery FOR HIMSELF, which is what has to happen if it is going to last more than a month. What you can do is take care of yourself and decide what kind of life you want to have -- whether you want to live with the chaos of alcoholism or not, what your boundaries are.

Welcome to this community - please keep posting. There's lots of good support and help here, no matter what you decide to do.

Hugs,
GL

Brilliant, Prodie. When I'm feeling fearful, I ask myself:

What would I do if I wasn't afraid?

And then I do it.

It is so painful to really learn that it is so easy for an alcoholic spouse to walk away.

He is having a love affair with the bottle. Until he gets treatment -- that will never change. Question is -- is that really the relationship that you want?

Yes, it does appear that it's easy for them to walk away. However, in many cases, they are already glomming onto a new partner/enabler before the front door has closed behind them.

A's appear to be very detached from their feelings and the people who should mean the most to them. I read somewhere once that the interesting thing about detached people is that they need someone to be detached from.

(p.s. - I'm not referring to healthy detachment that we practice when working our program, when I say "detached" as it refers to an active A.)

Thank you all for your posts.
I have tried to find al-anon meetings in my area, the two numbers that are listed in the phone book never answer but I will keep trying.
I really like what would you said about what would you do if you were not afraid? Do it.

If I was not afraid, I would say okay, move out- get sober for a year and let's see.
He said last night, he wants to stay but can not promise he will not fall. I need to accept that he is doing his best or he would rather leave. His son has just moved to our city and is looking for a place, which would provide him with a place to live.
Which it would probably the best situation logically.
I always say okay make a decision, either is fine. Then I think the kids are expecting you here for christmas (my children,), it is nice being together when he sober. Maybe, I am afraid to be alone, which seems funny because I was on my own for 3 years, have a great job and support myself, good family, wonderful friends.

Or maybe it is the tought of failing twice. I think in the back of my mind. Oh, God if he can't love me, who could?

Toltec,

Boy, do I get that. Those fears kept me in some pretty bad places -- my biggest one was the same as your last one: "If he can't love me, who can?"

Which, if you think about it, makes no sense at all. A few years ago, I would've come to you and said, "My ABF is an alcoholic, unfaithful, irresponsible, abusive.....if HE can't love me, who can?"

What would you have said to me? This man wasn't god. He was deeply flawed, and judging my loveability by HIS actions was pretty ridiculous, but yet I did it. For seven years.

Your BF's choices, his behavior, his weaknesses........have nothing at all to do with your loveability. They're just...him. You are you, the same loving person you have always been, just as lovable to someone else as you are/were to him.

His alcoholism is not a failure on your part. Not that you should or shouldn't separate temporarily, but really, your decision about whether you want to live with active alcoholism would be simple self-preservation...you would be choosing to save your own life.

In my book, that kind of courage makes a person MORE loveable, not less.
:ghug3
Keep writing....we're listening...and sometimes it can be so helpful to just get those thoughts down on paper (or computer)