Hi, I am new here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 7
Hi, I am new here
Wow....here I am. Lost, alone and confused. Okay, I know that I am not alone. In fact, when I was a teen, I was involved in Alateen because my grandmother (with whom we lived) was an alcoholic. I know somewhere I have a book that I bought many years ago - kind of a daily devotional book (Al-Anon) but cant find it at the moment.
I have been strugling with my H's drinking for some time now. When he got his last DUI almost 2 years ago, I thought there would be change. Yes, there has been some, like I drive more now.
Thanksgiving is about being thankful, right? I spent most of the weekend "alone" because he was too hung over, tired, or whatever. Since Saturday there has been so much tension in the house and my stomach is in a knot. We went to his step moms on Saturday and things were okay. He was in one of his sarcastic moods which can be funny unless you are the one being "attaked" for lack of a better word. Anyway, we left his moms, and he pulls into a liquor store and asks if I mind driving. I do, but I slid over anyway. His 16 yr old daughter then called be an enabler. I know she is right (and she has had her own experiences due to her sister heroine addiction). But what else was I to do? It would have been even longer ride if I hadnt driven because if we wouldnt have poured his beer, he would have been even grumpier. Talk about a rock and a hard place. So then he gets on my driving. I dont like driving at night, especially on the beltway on a holiday weekend in his beast of a truck. Which is a company truck (yea, he is a sucessful business owner). Things get worse when my son (15) asks about going hunting today (first day of rifle - no school) and he says something about not being able to spend over a $100 on his licesne with Christmas coming. First, a resident (basic) liscense is only $20 and even though his DL is out of state, we have plenty of proof of his residency. Then later he says he has to work today. All he talked about all weekend was having 5 days off. ????? So yesterday I took my son for his licesne (a whopping $6 - sure broke the bank on that one). He is hunting with friends today so it worked out for him. BUt I am now caught in the middle once again. H & I didnt speak yesterday - well, I asked him a couple of questions and I did get one word answers back.
He did get up and leave this morning - I assume to go to work. Who knows. He does most of his drinking at home. Most of the time when we are at social functions, he can control the amounts he drinks. But he gets mad at me when I ask him not to drink while driving home. He then apologizes for getting mad at me.
I dont drink often, rarely get drunk and could give up alcohol all together. I know from my research, that once an A gives it up, they can no longer even be a social drinker. I know he researches on quitting or cutting back, but I see no evidence of that.
Has anyone experienced where the A doesnt want you (the spouse) not to work? I work from home, but business is slow. I have often thought about going back to work but he discourages it. Of course, its hard to find a job where you need one day a week off (I take his mom to all her chemo treatments and doctors visits).
I just feel so lost. I found an open meeting during the day - but not until Thursday.
I have been rambling - sorry about that. I just needed to "talk" and have no one to call.
I have been strugling with my H's drinking for some time now. When he got his last DUI almost 2 years ago, I thought there would be change. Yes, there has been some, like I drive more now.
Thanksgiving is about being thankful, right? I spent most of the weekend "alone" because he was too hung over, tired, or whatever. Since Saturday there has been so much tension in the house and my stomach is in a knot. We went to his step moms on Saturday and things were okay. He was in one of his sarcastic moods which can be funny unless you are the one being "attaked" for lack of a better word. Anyway, we left his moms, and he pulls into a liquor store and asks if I mind driving. I do, but I slid over anyway. His 16 yr old daughter then called be an enabler. I know she is right (and she has had her own experiences due to her sister heroine addiction). But what else was I to do? It would have been even longer ride if I hadnt driven because if we wouldnt have poured his beer, he would have been even grumpier. Talk about a rock and a hard place. So then he gets on my driving. I dont like driving at night, especially on the beltway on a holiday weekend in his beast of a truck. Which is a company truck (yea, he is a sucessful business owner). Things get worse when my son (15) asks about going hunting today (first day of rifle - no school) and he says something about not being able to spend over a $100 on his licesne with Christmas coming. First, a resident (basic) liscense is only $20 and even though his DL is out of state, we have plenty of proof of his residency. Then later he says he has to work today. All he talked about all weekend was having 5 days off. ????? So yesterday I took my son for his licesne (a whopping $6 - sure broke the bank on that one). He is hunting with friends today so it worked out for him. BUt I am now caught in the middle once again. H & I didnt speak yesterday - well, I asked him a couple of questions and I did get one word answers back.
He did get up and leave this morning - I assume to go to work. Who knows. He does most of his drinking at home. Most of the time when we are at social functions, he can control the amounts he drinks. But he gets mad at me when I ask him not to drink while driving home. He then apologizes for getting mad at me.
I dont drink often, rarely get drunk and could give up alcohol all together. I know from my research, that once an A gives it up, they can no longer even be a social drinker. I know he researches on quitting or cutting back, but I see no evidence of that.
Has anyone experienced where the A doesnt want you (the spouse) not to work? I work from home, but business is slow. I have often thought about going back to work but he discourages it. Of course, its hard to find a job where you need one day a week off (I take his mom to all her chemo treatments and doctors visits).
I just feel so lost. I found an open meeting during the day - but not until Thursday.
I have been rambling - sorry about that. I just needed to "talk" and have no one to call.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I used to be a stay at home mom, then went to work a couple of days a week. Now I go to school full-time, work part-time to full-time and take care of the kids/house/pets.
My AH tried to talk me into quitting school, and work to become a babysitter. Almost worked until I realized he was just trying to isolate me more.
Everyone needs someone to talk to, I didn't realize it though until there was no one left hardly. Everyone I ever talked to quit talking to me because they got tired of seeing him be drunk or drinking.
T
My AH tried to talk me into quitting school, and work to become a babysitter. Almost worked until I realized he was just trying to isolate me more.
Everyone needs someone to talk to, I didn't realize it though until there was no one left hardly. Everyone I ever talked to quit talking to me because they got tired of seeing him be drunk or drinking.
T
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Lost! You have come to the right place 
there is a lot of support here-Glad that you are seeking out a meeting!
Growing up in house filled with A's myself It was not until I was an adult and after many failed relationships and feeling so alone in my life...that I found recovery for ME! We cannot change them as you know but, we can change ourselves. I went to Al-Anon for the A's in my life but I stayed for me!
As for the job situation I believe IMHO it is their way to control or think that they can control. They have to have all the ducks in a row and if one moves out of place! The quacking begins-If you want to get a job IMHO I would tell him that is what you want to do and you are going to do it for yourself!
Please check out the stickies at the top of the forum as there are a lot of great book listings there too! A wealth of information for you-
The Al-Anon book that I keep close to me is "Courage to change" I'am sure you can purchase that at your meeting on Thursday! The best to you!
Keep posting and know that you are not alone!
there is a lot of support here-Glad that you are seeking out a meeting!Growing up in house filled with A's myself It was not until I was an adult and after many failed relationships and feeling so alone in my life...that I found recovery for ME! We cannot change them as you know but, we can change ourselves. I went to Al-Anon for the A's in my life but I stayed for me!
As for the job situation I believe IMHO it is their way to control or think that they can control. They have to have all the ducks in a row and if one moves out of place! The quacking begins-If you want to get a job IMHO I would tell him that is what you want to do and you are going to do it for yourself!
Please check out the stickies at the top of the forum as there are a lot of great book listings there too! A wealth of information for you-
The Al-Anon book that I keep close to me is "Courage to change" I'am sure you can purchase that at your meeting on Thursday! The best to you!
Keep posting and know that you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 16
Funny you should ask about the AH not wanting the wife to work. I've been considering going back to work, and mine keeps discouraging me too. It doesn't make a lot of sense, since he'll go straight from complaining about our lack of money to assuring me that we don't need any more. :wtf2 But now that his behavior has deteriorated further, I feel helpless because I don't have my own income. I think that my own recovery will have to include my own job, so that I feel I have the option of leaving if I need to. Perhaps, in the back of his mind, he knows this?
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm new to this myself. Stick around, and you are sure to get some good advice.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm new to this myself. Stick around, and you are sure to get some good advice.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I think that my own recovery will have to include my own job, so that I feel I have the option of leaving if I need to. Perhaps, in the back of his mind, he knows this?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Personally, I hate the idea of being dependent on anyone for income, let alone an A. For me having my own income is part of being responsible for mayself. And it sure did make it easier when I decided to leave ny now xAH.
lost, it sounds like you are living in a situation you find intolerable. Now maybe the time to figure out what you can do to make it tolerable.
lost, it sounds like you are living in a situation you find intolerable. Now maybe the time to figure out what you can do to make it tolerable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 7
I knew coming here was right. Just as I know going to my first meeting in many many years will be right. I just hope I have the courage to go.
For now, one day at a time. I do love him, he says he knows he has a problem, but yet cant seem to take the steps to fix the problem. Overall, he is a good person. He doesnt get physically abusive (yes I know emotional abuse is just as bad). Can one find peace and happiness with the A????? That is my question.
For now, one day at a time. I do love him, he says he knows he has a problem, but yet cant seem to take the steps to fix the problem. Overall, he is a good person. He doesnt get physically abusive (yes I know emotional abuse is just as bad). Can one find peace and happiness with the A????? That is my question.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Oh yes, the old "no, but yes, but no". You know, you cannot make sense of insanity, it's just not possible.
The longer I'm away from my AH, the more I realize how he was manipulating and isolating me. He never mentioned me getting a job once he was healthy enough to work, then he'd send me nasty emails about how much I "cost" him, then he'd go out and spend $300 at the store. Control.
He didn't put my name on the title to the vehicle I'm driving. Control.
He took the insurance information out of the vehicle. Control.
He never gave me full access to our bank accounts. Control.
The list goes on and on. And now I find myself living with no money, a car that doesn't belong to me, and no job. Pathetic that I had to go get food stamps today :/ But, at least we won't be hungry. A huge thank you to the taxpayers of Texas.
Lost - many spouses can find happiness with an active alcoholic, many can't. Only you can decide that for yourself. A good read is here.
I'm glad you're here Lost
The longer I'm away from my AH, the more I realize how he was manipulating and isolating me. He never mentioned me getting a job once he was healthy enough to work, then he'd send me nasty emails about how much I "cost" him, then he'd go out and spend $300 at the store. Control.
He didn't put my name on the title to the vehicle I'm driving. Control.
He took the insurance information out of the vehicle. Control.
He never gave me full access to our bank accounts. Control.
The list goes on and on. And now I find myself living with no money, a car that doesn't belong to me, and no job. Pathetic that I had to go get food stamps today :/ But, at least we won't be hungry. A huge thank you to the taxpayers of Texas.
Lost - many spouses can find happiness with an active alcoholic, many can't. Only you can decide that for yourself. A good read is here.
I'm glad you're here Lost
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I have to say no, you will never find real peace. Real peace with someone you're married to lasts, you may get upset at times, but in the end of it all you still find comfort and solice in them.
You never wish for them to get a 6-pack out so they'll leave you alone.
You never wonder if they're going to their buddies house tonight.
You never wonder if they're going to the bar tonight when you get home from work.
You never worry about them drinking while you're kids are at home while you're at work.
You never have to worry about a DUI.
You never have to cover up their drinking.
You never worry about the hate that spews from their mouths.
You don't have to have the "beer cooler" to go somewhere.
Real solice with someone, I don't have it but I think I know what it is...
You never wish for them to get a 6-pack out so they'll leave you alone.
You never wonder if they're going to their buddies house tonight.
You never wonder if they're going to the bar tonight when you get home from work.
You never worry about them drinking while you're kids are at home while you're at work.
You never have to worry about a DUI.
You never have to cover up their drinking.
You never worry about the hate that spews from their mouths.
You don't have to have the "beer cooler" to go somewhere.
Real solice with someone, I don't have it but I think I know what it is...
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by lost411 
Can one find peace and happiness with the A?????
Today I have peace, happiness, and love for my alcoholic husband.
I also have my own (separate) home, my own bed, my own bills, my own life.
Everyone's situation is different. I tried to find peace while living with my A - but I kept finding crazy, instead.
I'm figuring out that my peace does not depend on another person making decisions that I agree with - it depends on me making decisions that improve my life, regardless of other people's decisions.
Keep coming back.
-TC
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