I am realizing I've made progress in my recovery...
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I am realizing I've made progress in my recovery...
And things that people have been saying are "clicking", finally.
I have realized that breaking the "cycle" not only means letting go of the alcoholic....but continues on into so many other life changes, personal changes.
Such as feeling good enough about myself to know that it's ok to set very high standards for a potential partner, that being alone doesn't mean being lonely....and that it's important to continue to figure out what I want, what makes me happy.
I set up a Personals profile about a week ago. I will admit it's an ego boost to have other men interested in me. But low and behold, the first man that I agree to talk to on the phone...has a DUI, and has admitted he is a "problem drinker", not an alcholic. I don't really understand the difference, but either way, I don't think it really matters.
So initially after hearing this, I found myself thinking "wow, he's admitted to his issues, he's even gone to a counselor on his own, Chris would never consider going to a counselor on his own". Then, after a day or two, I stopped myself...and I realized THIS is the part where I keep myself stuck in codependency.
I latch on to the next guy that I consider attractive, that shows interest in me, regardless of what red flags I see. I minimize the things that I know are serious potential problems, and focus on his good qualilties (like he's good looking, has a nice home, is smart), and he seems to "need" me. Not only am I selling myself (AND my son) short, but I am sending the message to this guy that even though he admits he is a problem drinker, I will still consider going on a date with him. It gives him the "green light". And I do this because I think internally, I think I can't do any better, or that I don't deserve better.
I realized that I need to set higher standards, and to do this, I need to do more searching, more recovery work on ME, to find out what I really want, what is healthy for me and my son.
I realized that in order to attract healthy men, I have to have self-love, self-respect, and a high level of self esteem. People have been telling me this, for about 2 years, when I first realized I was codependent. However, I think it JUST NOW "clicked" with me. And for me to realize these things, I must love myself a little bit more than I did...and that is PROGRESS!
Oh yeah, and this guy might be a great guy, or he might not be, but the next man I consider going on a date with will have a driver's license!!!!!
I have realized that breaking the "cycle" not only means letting go of the alcoholic....but continues on into so many other life changes, personal changes.
Such as feeling good enough about myself to know that it's ok to set very high standards for a potential partner, that being alone doesn't mean being lonely....and that it's important to continue to figure out what I want, what makes me happy.
I set up a Personals profile about a week ago. I will admit it's an ego boost to have other men interested in me. But low and behold, the first man that I agree to talk to on the phone...has a DUI, and has admitted he is a "problem drinker", not an alcholic. I don't really understand the difference, but either way, I don't think it really matters.
So initially after hearing this, I found myself thinking "wow, he's admitted to his issues, he's even gone to a counselor on his own, Chris would never consider going to a counselor on his own". Then, after a day or two, I stopped myself...and I realized THIS is the part where I keep myself stuck in codependency.
I latch on to the next guy that I consider attractive, that shows interest in me, regardless of what red flags I see. I minimize the things that I know are serious potential problems, and focus on his good qualilties (like he's good looking, has a nice home, is smart), and he seems to "need" me. Not only am I selling myself (AND my son) short, but I am sending the message to this guy that even though he admits he is a problem drinker, I will still consider going on a date with him. It gives him the "green light". And I do this because I think internally, I think I can't do any better, or that I don't deserve better.
I realized that I need to set higher standards, and to do this, I need to do more searching, more recovery work on ME, to find out what I really want, what is healthy for me and my son.
I realized that in order to attract healthy men, I have to have self-love, self-respect, and a high level of self esteem. People have been telling me this, for about 2 years, when I first realized I was codependent. However, I think it JUST NOW "clicked" with me. And for me to realize these things, I must love myself a little bit more than I did...and that is PROGRESS!
Oh yeah, and this guy might be a great guy, or he might not be, but the next man I consider going on a date with will have a driver's license!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Guess where the relationship started that finally brought me to my knees in my codependency issues almost 10 years ago? Online.
It was then, and only then that I realized I had to make a serious commitment to myself to begin to heal myself, to make myself whole, and that included throwing out the window those nice little 'perks' of getting my fix of getting strokes from men regardless of the method.
I had a pattern, a very clear pattern, of seriously engaging in, and losing myself in an unhealthy relationships when I was at my most vulnerable, during difficult times.
You've got an opportunity now to really seriously begin to discover who you are, my dear. That takes time, hard work, and at times, it is painful.
Do you really want to chance putting your toes in the water at this point?
You know that men are a drug for us when we are not whole physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Can you afford to be playing at this point, harmless though it may seem?
You know I say this out of love, and out of the experience of 12 very long and painful years of repeating the insanity over and over and over with different men. :ghug
It was then, and only then that I realized I had to make a serious commitment to myself to begin to heal myself, to make myself whole, and that included throwing out the window those nice little 'perks' of getting my fix of getting strokes from men regardless of the method.
I had a pattern, a very clear pattern, of seriously engaging in, and losing myself in an unhealthy relationships when I was at my most vulnerable, during difficult times.
You've got an opportunity now to really seriously begin to discover who you are, my dear. That takes time, hard work, and at times, it is painful.
Do you really want to chance putting your toes in the water at this point?
You know that men are a drug for us when we are not whole physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Can you afford to be playing at this point, harmless though it may seem?
You know I say this out of love, and out of the experience of 12 very long and painful years of repeating the insanity over and over and over with different men. :ghug
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Do you really want to chance putting your toes in the water at this point?
You know that men are a drug for us when we are not whole physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Can you afford to be playing at this point, harmless though it may seem?
Part of my realization incudes knowing, I still have A LOT of work to do. At this point, I would still get lost in the next man, whether he be good, bad, or Prince Charming. I would lose myself totally again. I have just begun the process of finding myself. And my ego strokes have got to come from somewhere else.....I have to find what makes me feel whole, without a man.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm really proud of you, gal. :ghug
Keep your chin up and believe me, setting that bar of standards high is one of the best things you will ever do for yourself.
You are such a neat lady, and Ryan is very lucky to have you for a mom!
Keep your chin up and believe me, setting that bar of standards high is one of the best things you will ever do for yourself.
You are such a neat lady, and Ryan is very lucky to have you for a mom!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Guess where the relationship started that finally brought me to my knees in my codependency issues almost 10 years ago? Online.
It was then, and only then that I realized I had to make a serious commitment to myself to begin to heal myself, to make myself whole, and that included throwing out the window those nice little 'perks' of getting my fix of getting strokes from men regardless of the method.
I had a pattern, a very clear pattern, of seriously engaging in, and losing myself in an unhealthy relationships when I was at my most vulnerable, during difficult times.
You've got an opportunity now to really seriously begin to discover who you are, my dear. That takes time, hard work, and at times, it is painful.
Do you really want to chance putting your toes in the water at this point?
You know that men are a drug for us when we are not whole physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Can you afford to be playing at this point, harmless though it may seem?
You know I say this out of love, and out of the experience of 12 very long and painful years of repeating the insanity over and over and over with different men. :ghug
It was then, and only then that I realized I had to make a serious commitment to myself to begin to heal myself, to make myself whole, and that included throwing out the window those nice little 'perks' of getting my fix of getting strokes from men regardless of the method.
I had a pattern, a very clear pattern, of seriously engaging in, and losing myself in an unhealthy relationships when I was at my most vulnerable, during difficult times.
You've got an opportunity now to really seriously begin to discover who you are, my dear. That takes time, hard work, and at times, it is painful.
Do you really want to chance putting your toes in the water at this point?
You know that men are a drug for us when we are not whole physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Can you afford to be playing at this point, harmless though it may seem?
You know I say this out of love, and out of the experience of 12 very long and painful years of repeating the insanity over and over and over with different men. :ghug
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Yeah for you!!!!
When times got really difficult with my husband, when he was drinking and staying out and yelling and emotionally distant, I had a tendency to fantasize about my high school first love.
I would imagine seeing him again at a coffee shop or restaurant, and I'd fantasize that we'd pick up right where we left off....
he'd always loved me
he knew that I was the greatest thing ever
he couldn't believe that I was being treated so callously by my husband
he wanted to kiss me, make love to me, take care of me.
When I spoke to my counselor about the daydream he was able to help me see just how externally located my sense of self-worth was. I needed/wanted a man to tell me that I was worth something - if my husband wouldn't do it, then, by jove, I'd find another man who would.
My fantasy never crossed over into reality, but it was a real wake up call to see just how close I came. I honestly believe that, had the opportunity for an indiscretion (similar to the above scenario) presented itself, I would have taken it.
YIKES!
I probably would have ended up in another lop-sided relationship, with all my old problems firmly in place.
Good on you, SoConfused, for recognizing the thought patterns that got you into this mess! It's tough work, but the payoff's incredible!
-TC
When times got really difficult with my husband, when he was drinking and staying out and yelling and emotionally distant, I had a tendency to fantasize about my high school first love.
I would imagine seeing him again at a coffee shop or restaurant, and I'd fantasize that we'd pick up right where we left off....
he'd always loved me
he knew that I was the greatest thing ever
he couldn't believe that I was being treated so callously by my husband
he wanted to kiss me, make love to me, take care of me.
When I spoke to my counselor about the daydream he was able to help me see just how externally located my sense of self-worth was. I needed/wanted a man to tell me that I was worth something - if my husband wouldn't do it, then, by jove, I'd find another man who would.
My fantasy never crossed over into reality, but it was a real wake up call to see just how close I came. I honestly believe that, had the opportunity for an indiscretion (similar to the above scenario) presented itself, I would have taken it.
YIKES!
I probably would have ended up in another lop-sided relationship, with all my old problems firmly in place.
Good on you, SoConfused, for recognizing the thought patterns that got you into this mess! It's tough work, but the payoff's incredible!
-TC
Keep up the good work!
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