How do you get over fooling yourself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
How do you get over fooling yourself?
Hey all,
I have a question regarding your own behavior. The question I have is how a sort of mentally healthy person gets over comforting themselves. In my situation there have been changes, but I dont thnk they are enough. But when I see someone changeing their behavior it gives me hope. I know its a false hope.
Basically, I said I wouldn't take abuse, and moved out to prove it. Now I get very little anger from her. I also said I wouldn't stand her being emotionally unfaithful, and as far as I know, thats quit too. The problem is she drinks to unconsciousness everynight. This is not acceptable, but she has made some changes.
The feelings I have are that I would be abandoning someone who is desperately trying to change. This is a feeling not a fact. What do you all think of it? I especially would like input from ex A's and men who have AW's.
Redd
I have a question regarding your own behavior. The question I have is how a sort of mentally healthy person gets over comforting themselves. In my situation there have been changes, but I dont thnk they are enough. But when I see someone changeing their behavior it gives me hope. I know its a false hope.
Basically, I said I wouldn't take abuse, and moved out to prove it. Now I get very little anger from her. I also said I wouldn't stand her being emotionally unfaithful, and as far as I know, thats quit too. The problem is she drinks to unconsciousness everynight. This is not acceptable, but she has made some changes.
The feelings I have are that I would be abandoning someone who is desperately trying to change. This is a feeling not a fact. What do you all think of it? I especially would like input from ex A's and men who have AW's.
Redd
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
hey Redd , first were not ex A's once a alki always an alki .. that never changes . were just in recovery is all . But from all your past posts IMO , shes just doing what it is just to try and gain you back , and again returns to her old ways , stand your ground and work on Redd . As long as the drink comes first sorry there isnt anything you can do , no matter how bizzar , It hurts yes and it will for a long time , but the best thing you can do for yourself is work on yourself , her past Behavior show for her future , yes were capable of change for the better , but from what Ive read in your posts I dont see it happening anytime soon , Shes gotta hit the bottom , no matter how hard it is , but thats what it takes in order to get the help that is out there , enabling her to do all the things she does isnt helping her or you ! just makin matters worse and allowing her to do the things she does , Stand tall and keep workin on yourself hun , It will get better , just have to give yourself time .. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
In AA there is a section of the book where it asks if you think you are an alcoholic, if you have any questions it suggests you go try some controlled drinking, it suggests you try it more then once to get a good knowledge of your condition.
How many times are you going to go back to "drinking"?
Has it been different yet?
Do you find you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results?
I'd maybe suggest you go back and reread all your own posts to us Redd, and keep an open mind.....
because in my opinion only a crazy person would go back to that.
Step two (in Alanon) says something about being "restored to sanity", well first you have to admit you'd be crazy to go back, then you'd have to think going back is a good idea.
You may, in fact qualify for step two with flying colors.
lest you think I am talking "down" to you, and "I don't understand" here's something I wrote a few days ago:
you may want to read this thread and ask yourself some tough questions:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2003992
take your time, read it very carefully
ask yourself, "What am I getting out of this relationship and why do I keep going back?"
I have some experience with "hot stoves" and I know "it takes what it takes" and I suspect you already have made a decision, but do so with eyes open this time Redd, and let us know how your "controlled drinking" experiment works out and what you expect to get from it.
Anyway, my "answer" to your question is like any "addict" I kept going back "until the wheels fell off", then I went back some more and when I finally did walk away I had no more questions.
It was a fairly tedious process.
You can spare yourself that or not, up to you.
oh...and no it's not going to be "different this time and here's how" just to kind of cut that one off at the pass.
How many times are you going to go back to "drinking"?
Has it been different yet?
Do you find you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results?
I'd maybe suggest you go back and reread all your own posts to us Redd, and keep an open mind.....
because in my opinion only a crazy person would go back to that.
Step two (in Alanon) says something about being "restored to sanity", well first you have to admit you'd be crazy to go back, then you'd have to think going back is a good idea.
You may, in fact qualify for step two with flying colors.
lest you think I am talking "down" to you, and "I don't understand" here's something I wrote a few days ago:
Originally Posted by Ago 
Oh my,
I just had this conversation yesterday
I finally wound up I was "addicted" to the "wall of seduction" that came after every break up, and the interesting thing was "the wall of seduction" was strictly an emotional one, promising me everything I had ever wanted in a relationship....my eyes would glaze over and I would slowly walk back into the "fire" heedless of all my friends saying, "no no no don't go Andrew, think it through"
I literally couldn't.
talk about powerless.
I just had this conversation yesterday
I finally wound up I was "addicted" to the "wall of seduction" that came after every break up, and the interesting thing was "the wall of seduction" was strictly an emotional one, promising me everything I had ever wanted in a relationship....my eyes would glaze over and I would slowly walk back into the "fire" heedless of all my friends saying, "no no no don't go Andrew, think it through"
I literally couldn't.
talk about powerless.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2003992
take your time, read it very carefully
ask yourself, "What am I getting out of this relationship and why do I keep going back?"
I have some experience with "hot stoves" and I know "it takes what it takes" and I suspect you already have made a decision, but do so with eyes open this time Redd, and let us know how your "controlled drinking" experiment works out and what you expect to get from it.
Anyway, my "answer" to your question is like any "addict" I kept going back "until the wheels fell off", then I went back some more and when I finally did walk away I had no more questions.
It was a fairly tedious process.
You can spare yourself that or not, up to you.
oh...and no it's not going to be "different this time and here's how" just to kind of cut that one off at the pass.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The problem is she drinks to unconsciousness everynight. This is not acceptable, but she has made some changes.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
In my active drinking, I tossed out just enough crumbs (changes, if you will) to keep my enablers active in my life.
Your wife is an active alcoholic, Redd. She is still drinking, Redd. She can blow her nose, promise you the sky, not call the ex, wear the right color socks, and she's still an active alcoholic.
There is obviously still a huge payoff for you in this marriage because as I said before, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
You may eventually get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You may also end up stuck in this rut for years and years because right now it seems to be working for you.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Reddmax
The feelings I have are that I would be abandoning someone who is desperately trying to change. This is a feeling not a fact.
In your case I'm not sure how much KISAS I would do for someone who still drinks but doesn't call the ex or yell at me....yet. We each have our our tolerance level for KISAS.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Redd, do you feel you need permission to continue in a relationship with your alcoholic wife? It doesn't matter what I think. Why not make a decision on your own--whatever that decision is--then stick with it for a while and see how it goes?
The beauty of making a decision is that if you later decide that your decision was wrong, you can always make a new one.
The beauty of making a decision is that if you later decide that your decision was wrong, you can always make a new one.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Remember what Yoda said "There is no try, there is only do". I'm most definitely trying instead of doing.
Just like the alkie who says "I'm trying". She's not even trying Redd, she's just throwing you crumbs to keep the 'status quo.'
I have to ask, is this acceptable to you to live this way? Is this how you want your life to be?
Instead of 'focusing' on her and her 'actions' or 'lack of actions' and how she treats you, FOCUS on YOU. What do you want out of life? Do you want this chaos, drama and roller coaster ride? Or do you want peace, and serenity?
Only you know the answers to that.
Btw, have you gone to Alanon yet?
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Hey Redd,
You remind me of me! I asked the same question 45 different ways but kept getting the same answer. Your head is in a confused place right now and you are living on crumbs. Like freedom said they do throw crumbs and I don't know about you but I gladly gobbled them up all the while feeling like I sold my soul.
You remind me of me! I asked the same question 45 different ways but kept getting the same answer. Your head is in a confused place right now and you are living on crumbs. Like freedom said they do throw crumbs and I don't know about you but I gladly gobbled them up all the while feeling like I sold my soul.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
Redd,
My AstbXH drank to unconsciousness every night. That single aspect of my life left me totally alone day after day. Looking back, this was one of the most destructive parts of his drinking. I didn't realize that until I'd been away from it for a time.
I told myself over and over, "but he's a good provider, he has made this effort and that effort. He has made progress here and progress there." However, there was simply no way to have a healthy relationship with him because his investment in alcohol was still enormous.
What I appreciate in your post is your ability to set limits and stick by them. What are your limits about this? Maybe they've changed? Maybe there are limits you are just discovering?
You are surely asking good questions!
TH
My AstbXH drank to unconsciousness every night. That single aspect of my life left me totally alone day after day. Looking back, this was one of the most destructive parts of his drinking. I didn't realize that until I'd been away from it for a time.
I told myself over and over, "but he's a good provider, he has made this effort and that effort. He has made progress here and progress there." However, there was simply no way to have a healthy relationship with him because his investment in alcohol was still enormous.
What I appreciate in your post is your ability to set limits and stick by them. What are your limits about this? Maybe they've changed? Maybe there are limits you are just discovering?
You are surely asking good questions!
TH
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I spoke with a woman this weekend who was married 23 years to a binge-drinker about a similar subject. I'm separated and have been since September, but had stalled on beginning the process of divorce. A part of me still held out some hope that he'd 'figure things out.' She said to wait until I knew for sure and assured me that it would be similar to when I hit bottom and demanded the separation.
Oddly enough, it happened the next day. It hit me really hard just how much effort I'd been putting into the relationship for random scraps of affection. I was just 'done.' I love the guy, but remaining married seems futile.
Everyone's 'bottom' is different. Ease up on yourself and focus on doing what you need to make your life better and eventually your moment of clarity will come.
Oddly enough, it happened the next day. It hit me really hard just how much effort I'd been putting into the relationship for random scraps of affection. I was just 'done.' I love the guy, but remaining married seems futile.
Everyone's 'bottom' is different. Ease up on yourself and focus on doing what you need to make your life better and eventually your moment of clarity will come.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
There is fear in your post, Redd. What are you afraid of?
What is holding you here? I found that when I was asked this question, and I would respond immediately to that...my answers focused on the same restraints you list. However, when I internalized the question and thought about it, then answers lie with me.
For me, I found out this: I don't want to look at myself. I can't really stand myself. I like the chaos, the abuse, the drama. Leaving would admit failure on my behalf because yet again, I am not enough...who wants me anyway? Most likely, this is the only chance I would have to receive a scrap of affection that I am not worthy of having. I am a fraud and people are bound to find this out... I AM BOUND TO FIND THIS OUT...and I am afraid of it.
This is just the tip of the iceburg, and my self esteem issues run extremely deep. Most people would say this a terrible thing to say about myself, and it is...yet, I must come clean with myself. Otherwise, no healing is going to take place for me. I am going to fall into another poisonous relationship trying to get away from myself. Awareness, Acceptance, Action....I am my own qualifier.
Hugs!
What is holding you here? I found that when I was asked this question, and I would respond immediately to that...my answers focused on the same restraints you list. However, when I internalized the question and thought about it, then answers lie with me.
For me, I found out this: I don't want to look at myself. I can't really stand myself. I like the chaos, the abuse, the drama. Leaving would admit failure on my behalf because yet again, I am not enough...who wants me anyway? Most likely, this is the only chance I would have to receive a scrap of affection that I am not worthy of having. I am a fraud and people are bound to find this out... I AM BOUND TO FIND THIS OUT...and I am afraid of it.
This is just the tip of the iceburg, and my self esteem issues run extremely deep. Most people would say this a terrible thing to say about myself, and it is...yet, I must come clean with myself. Otherwise, no healing is going to take place for me. I am going to fall into another poisonous relationship trying to get away from myself. Awareness, Acceptance, Action....I am my own qualifier.
Hugs!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by Reddmax
The feelings I have are that I would be abandoning someone who is desperately trying to change. This is a feeling not a fact. What do you all think of it? I especially would like input from ex A's and men who have AW's.
Redd
Redd
I know what it's like to always want to believe in someone. But, their actions speak loudest of all.
If she were in a program, she would be helping herself to change. Until that happens, nothing is changing. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
from loner1968:I'm putting on my tin foil hat so silverberry can't read my thoughts anymore!!!
LOL
Redd - just want to send you a shot of courage - keep asking - keep accepting - keep moving through the difficult stuff...
Peace-
B.
LOL
Redd - just want to send you a shot of courage - keep asking - keep accepting - keep moving through the difficult stuff...
Peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Simple. I got over fooling myself by detaching from my emotions, assessing the situation, and seeing it for what it is. I kept my feelings out of the equation. Feelings change. Feelings aren't always accurate.
I saw a drunk who did not wish to get sober. I saw my life spinning out of control. I decided to embark on the journey of making the necessary changes to save my own life.
I certainly couldn't save the A's life.
I saw a drunk who did not wish to get sober. I saw my life spinning out of control. I decided to embark on the journey of making the necessary changes to save my own life.
I certainly couldn't save the A's life.
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