ivyqween

I have been married for ten years my husbands drinking has gradually gotten worse . He and I had an arguement 3 weeks ago
where he physically faught with me. He said we should go to counseling because he didnt want to fight like that again. It happened again two days ago. He was drinking both times. He didnt drink when we got married but does now all of the time it is like coca cola to him. He can drink at least 6 to 8 before you even know he has drank anything.
We have only seen the counselor twice and are scheduled to see him tommorrow. He has only faught like this with me these two times in ten years . He is really stressed because he is working alot. WE have three daughters together they have seen both fights. What should I do. I dont want to give up on him or us?

lolobug3

Number one - marriage counseling is not going to help if he is an active alcoholic. If he is an alcoholic he needs to find his own way to recovery with counseling for hisself. And you should attend al-anon meetings to learn how to deal with all of this. Post on the al-anon board here too. I am sure you will have some wonderful responses. Lolobug

Peter

Ivyqween,welcome to the forums.

As my alcoholism continued to progress I found myself acting in ways I swore I would never act.It was during this stage that I began to suspect just how powerless I was over alcohol and how much alcohol had me in it's grips.

Talking with doctors,ministers of religion,counsellors and psychiatrists did very little to help me because I was not addressing the immediate problem.DRINKING.

Before I could start mending all the damaged and broken areas of my life I first had to start going to AA meetings to get some help for my problem.

Without sobriety I would have nothing.

I come from an alcoholic family and I would see my parents fight a lot.Very often I was left alone unable to understand what was happening to mom and dad and I used to think I was responsible for it.Noone ever explained anything to me so very often I had to guess at my own answers.

I am not a counsellor and I am not in a position to give advice but I will suggest that you try going to Alanon meetings.They can offer tremendous support and help you to understand what is happening......

Talk to your children and find out what is going on with them....

Music

Hi,
First, we don't just assume your hubby is an alcoholic. He may be but....
Keep up with the counseling. It won't hurt and you may get some answers about whether or not there's alcoholism involved here. He may just be drinking over stress. It's not our job to put a label on him. We know you two fight but it does take two. The important thing here is that a couple times when he's been drinking he's gotten mean. That's worth looking into. Whether he's alcoholic or not, you can still go to Al-Anon and get some stress relief.

Chy

Welcome!

Well I too am in no position to advise you on this but can give you my perspective from the little that I do know. As Peter mentioned alcoholism is a very progressive illness and can make you do some terrible things you'd never normally do sober. As Music mentioned it's hard to determine wether or not he is an alocholic. There are some real good threads here you can look at and read and you and hubby will have to make the decision for yourselves. It's obviously a point of concern and suggest it be further examined.

Has he discussed his drinking as being a problem? Can he just quit and not worry about it? Does he drink to get drunk everytime? These are some of the questions you may want to consider.

Also I think right know you need to find some kind of help for yourself and the kids be it alanon, family counseling, something is better then nothing. I tend to favor the alanon group and the forums here are great. I only see his behavior escalating if he continues his drinking, but only he can quit for himself, that's the hard thing to deal with! Those are just my thoughts on the matter. Please know we are all here for you and you may want to check out the Womens forum as well, great bunch of ladies over there, many in your situation.

Hope to see you back.

MootPoint

First thing you have to do is think about your safety. You say his drinking has gotten worse, resulting in "where he physically faught with me. "

I would think that if his drinking has been escalating, that it would continue to do so unless checked.

Bottom line....... how much worse are the physical fights going to have to get before you take action for your own safety? Is there a relative you can stay with while he makes his decisions? Would he be willing to go into a rehab, or at least AA?

Are your daughters in physical danger? Just seeing this happen between their parents is bad enough, but if he takes it out on the kids.......... you know where I'm going.

ivyqween

I should refraze that . He faught at me ( threw things,broke things, knocked holes in walls) smacked me so hard I have a black eye. I guarantee the problem is stress related.I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage.But my kids do come first. I care what happens to him and his emotional wellbeing. I will do what ever it takes. No he doesnt always drink to get drunk almost never is that the case. He is agreeing to do something and take his three weeks vacation in a dry up if neccessary go to aa if neccessary. I said that I am not laying all of the blame on him for what got him to this stress point but I will not take the blame for his blowning up and hurting me or our stuff. He is very ill and is getting mad real easy these past few days he has had around ten beers total in 3 days. That is good for someone who has at least 12 a day and a case or two or three on the weekends
I understand that these are some withdrawl things.

Ann

Ivyqueen

I moved this for you from the Alcohol forum and want to welcome you to Al-Anon.

My first concern is for the safety of you and your children. My suggestion would be to get yourself somewhere safe, and then decide how you want to proceed. You don't have to be a victim, you have options and do not have to make any final decision whether to go back with him or leave, until you are ready.

If you can get to an Al-Anon meeting, you would find a room full of live people just like you who can offer support and share their experience, strength and hope with you.

Take a read around, read the powerposts at the top of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and just make yourself comfortable here.

And know that we care and are here for you always.

hugs
Ann

MootPoint

Ann, thankyou for moving this post!

Ivy... think about this....... what happens when/if he DOES really lose it and REALLY hurts you or your kids???

Please read the posts in this forum and do some thinking. I am not telling you to separate from him, I'm just asking you to do some reading and thinking.

whiplash

Ivy, giving your wife a black eye is not a normal reaction to stress. It's just not. He may well be stressed out, but that is no excuse. Take care of yourself

Gabe

I don't care how much stress he is under, that is no excuse for striking out at you physically. His drinking is obviously out of control and you now have to decide what you are going to do about how this is affecting your life. I strongly recommend that you seek help in Alanon and from a counselor for yourself. You do not deserve this kind of physical abuse and your kids don't need to witness it. You can't do anything about your husband's drinking problem. You CAN do something about how it does or doesn't affect your life and the lives of your children.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Peace,
Gabe

Chy

Ivy,

I know you love your husband..... but what the others say is correct. There is no excuse for receiving a black eye because HE is stressed. Has this situation of his drinking not stressed you? Haven't you been hurt (emotionaly and physically) long enough? Have you reacted with physical violence towards him? Are you ready to take control of YOUR life, be it with or without him. Maybe he needs to see the ramifications of his actions, by you getting out and hitting some alanon meetings, talking to a counselor etc. Girl this simply can't go on, and I think you know this. How much are you willing to endure because of his stress. It's time to stop making acceptable excuses for his behavior.

I'm praying for you and hoping hubby will some day see that he needs help! You deserve better!