When the pink cloud lifts. Then what?
When the pink cloud lifts. Then what?
So the thrill of sobriety has worn off and now it's daily life for rah. Now what? He knows he needs to find a job and if he gets insurance he has to see a counselor because I swear he's bipolar.
He's let me know his mind is all over the place. He's in a fog and wonders if he's doing the right thing by staying with us because he doesn't want things to be any harder then he's already made them in the past.
He's lacking his self confidence. Alcohol gave him that he said.
He feels shatty about himself......nothing I can do.
I told him to let go of the past because it's all done. We need to move on and find a better way for our future but I need his motivation (in himself). He needs to step up and get off the p*ss pot.
I've had my hands full and I could be a whiner and I gave up a boat load of my own life. Am I asking to much for him to start making a life for himself? He's been home three weeks. Sober a bit over a month.
Set me straight.
He's let me know his mind is all over the place. He's in a fog and wonders if he's doing the right thing by staying with us because he doesn't want things to be any harder then he's already made them in the past.
He's lacking his self confidence. Alcohol gave him that he said.
He feels shatty about himself......nothing I can do.
I told him to let go of the past because it's all done. We need to move on and find a better way for our future but I need his motivation (in himself). He needs to step up and get off the p*ss pot.
I've had my hands full and I could be a whiner and I gave up a boat load of my own life. Am I asking to much for him to start making a life for himself? He's been home three weeks. Sober a bit over a month.
Set me straight.
What is your boundary? Is it employment? Employment with insurance? Employment making over XX$ ? By when does he have to be gainfully employed again? And what will happen if he is not?
Or is it enough for you to see that he's trying? If he shows you at least three job leads he checked out each day, would that make you feel less angry?
Boundaries will keep you sane, stubborn.
He's having a hard time, sure, and if he's truly foggy then it's not likely he'll even get a job, at least not one that's terribly responsible. Are you willing to stick it out a bit longer? if so, how long? If he is trying and can't find a job yet, are there other things he can do to add value to your life, reduce your overhead expenses, make life less stressful for YOU, etc.? Sounds like that's what he was trying to do, but you told him not to bother.
Talking it all through with compassion -- for EACH OTHER -- might help. You both have needs that need to get met.
But sometimes that's a lot harder than just being angry and judgmental with each other.
Or is it enough for you to see that he's trying? If he shows you at least three job leads he checked out each day, would that make you feel less angry?
Boundaries will keep you sane, stubborn.
He's having a hard time, sure, and if he's truly foggy then it's not likely he'll even get a job, at least not one that's terribly responsible. Are you willing to stick it out a bit longer? if so, how long? If he is trying and can't find a job yet, are there other things he can do to add value to your life, reduce your overhead expenses, make life less stressful for YOU, etc.? Sounds like that's what he was trying to do, but you told him not to bother.
Talking it all through with compassion -- for EACH OTHER -- might help. You both have needs that need to get met.
But sometimes that's a lot harder than just being angry and judgmental with each other.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
How can you take care of yourself?
For me, when I had sponsees move in with me in their first thirty to ninety days of sobriety I made them absolutely "earn their keep" but I couldn't do that with someone I already had a history with.
It's possible...maybe get him in a "sober living environment" where they actually teach all that stuff from the ground up, here's when you make your bed, here are your chores etc.
Personally, from knowing your history, you, like me, in the same situation might not be able to have the necessary level of detachment.
Make him "pay rent"? or toss him out?
I don't know, but for me the answer had to become "How can I take care of me?"
I actually had to take a menial labor job in early sobriety and I was a fireman/paramedic and many of the people I put to work had degrees, but there they were out doing menial labor.
For me, when I had sponsees move in with me in their first thirty to ninety days of sobriety I made them absolutely "earn their keep" but I couldn't do that with someone I already had a history with.
It's possible...maybe get him in a "sober living environment" where they actually teach all that stuff from the ground up, here's when you make your bed, here are your chores etc.
Personally, from knowing your history, you, like me, in the same situation might not be able to have the necessary level of detachment.
Make him "pay rent"? or toss him out?
I don't know, but for me the answer had to become "How can I take care of me?"
I actually had to take a menial labor job in early sobriety and I was a fireman/paramedic and many of the people I put to work had degrees, but there they were out doing menial labor.
My boundary is get a job, any job. I haven't put a date on it because when this house gets foreclosed on he goes with it. I will find a way without him and that is his reprocussion.
I've seen him put in tons of applications only to be told "they don't have anything". I've suggested a living facility but I do not want that for us. I wouldn't want it done to me. He's already in the pits with himself and to throw him in with homelessness isn't nessasary. I'd like him to keep sober not push him back into drinking. Know what I mean?
It seems we've hit a brick wall, no money for gas, car is going to get repo'd, all bills not paid. That means no home phone, no computer, no tv.
It will be me and a non running mini van with three children. He knows all this.
I can most certainly give him a time frame but if no jobs are available the time frame is going to be worthless.
I don't want to be too much of a b-word because he really is trying and I understand it's mush up in his head.
All I can do is work what I do and try to keep the lights and water on at this point. Everything else I have to let go. Not paying car insurance means my license will be revoked.......It's like I'm running in circles.
What am I doing wrong? There has to be a way out of this. How do poor people find housing? Pay bills? If there are no jobs what the heck can we do? Govt assistance messed up our paperwork so for at least thirty days we have NO food.....nothing. No insurance. I feel so vulnerable with the kids. Like a failure. Even if you take him out of the equation........I think it's just all too late.
I've seen him put in tons of applications only to be told "they don't have anything". I've suggested a living facility but I do not want that for us. I wouldn't want it done to me. He's already in the pits with himself and to throw him in with homelessness isn't nessasary. I'd like him to keep sober not push him back into drinking. Know what I mean?
It seems we've hit a brick wall, no money for gas, car is going to get repo'd, all bills not paid. That means no home phone, no computer, no tv.
It will be me and a non running mini van with three children. He knows all this.
I can most certainly give him a time frame but if no jobs are available the time frame is going to be worthless.
I don't want to be too much of a b-word because he really is trying and I understand it's mush up in his head.
All I can do is work what I do and try to keep the lights and water on at this point. Everything else I have to let go. Not paying car insurance means my license will be revoked.......It's like I'm running in circles.
What am I doing wrong? There has to be a way out of this. How do poor people find housing? Pay bills? If there are no jobs what the heck can we do? Govt assistance messed up our paperwork so for at least thirty days we have NO food.....nothing. No insurance. I feel so vulnerable with the kids. Like a failure. Even if you take him out of the equation........I think it's just all too late.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
He needs to find a job.
He needs to get insurance.
He needs to see a counselor.
He needs to let go of the past.
He needs to be motivated.
He needs to step up.
He needs to make a life for himself.
See a pattern here?
In my mind, Richard needed to do a lot of things, too, to make my life better. He never did them. But my life did get better once I stopped focusing on what Richard needed to do and began to focus on what I needed to do.
He needs to get insurance.
He needs to see a counselor.
He needs to let go of the past.
He needs to be motivated.
He needs to step up.
He needs to make a life for himself.
See a pattern here?
In my mind, Richard needed to do a lot of things, too, to make my life better. He never did them. But my life did get better once I stopped focusing on what Richard needed to do and began to focus on what I needed to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
my xah recovery belonged to him, and him alone. he was intolerable. i couldn't help him with it all.
so i started my own life within our little circle of life together. i focused on myself.
it was like he was waking up outta coma. and he was really twisted about everything.
lost.
turns out, i couldn't live like that, so i left. that's just me.
so i started my own life within our little circle of life together. i focused on myself.
it was like he was waking up outta coma. and he was really twisted about everything.
lost.
turns out, i couldn't live like that, so i left. that's just me.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
(((Stubborn))) Times are tough right now, they really are. I have 2 unemployed adult sons living at home w/me right now (older son was in mortgage business for 10 years, got laid off a few months ago, younger is a landscaper so it's seasonal). AH is also living at home and unemployed. I am the sole provider. It is tough, really tough. I don't fault my sons, they have put in tons of applications all over the place (even told me 7/11 had a huge file of them). I do fault my AH however, he lost his job due to his drunkeness several months ago, and he's still a drunk who doesn't even care to find a job. I know this is easier said than done, but I try to place it in the hands of my HP and know that it will all be taken care of in one way or another. And I know that I'm strong and am going thru this as part of my journey. I plan on moving out in a few months (yes, I've even managed to start saving a bit!). I've lowered the cable, raised my dependents (on my W-2), lowered my 401 (k), turn off the lights and TV's and the we eat lots of Ramen noodles (my sons joke that I'm gonna write a cookbook of 500 ways to cook Ramen noodles LOL). You can add tuna to them, velveeta cheese, wide noodles w/cream of mushroom soup and tuna, etc. I'm surprised that I've learned how to feed a family of 4 on like $6.00. You'll make it, you've been strong all this time. Just have faith. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Stubborn, check out food banks and let them help you out with food items. Also, many churches, ministries, and also the salvation army sometimes offer help with utilities and bills. With three children and these crazy times, you are more then entitled to this kind of help!
Hang in there - you are not a failure!
Hang in there - you are not a failure!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
afterthought....one time my xah was sober for 18 months. he couldn't have found his hind-end with both hands during that time. he had been drunk for so long with others handling his affairs that he didn't have a clue how to go about doing much.
he was like a teenager. when he went to the store, he would ask me what he should say to the meat cutter. when he went to turn lights on in his own name, he had no clue where to go (we live in a town of 3800).
grocery shopping was traumatic for him....sticker shock. he had no idea where to take the car for oil changes, where to order tires, how to put in change of address.
unreal. but true.
he was like a teenager. when he went to the store, he would ask me what he should say to the meat cutter. when he went to turn lights on in his own name, he had no clue where to go (we live in a town of 3800).
grocery shopping was traumatic for him....sticker shock. he had no idea where to take the car for oil changes, where to order tires, how to put in change of address.
unreal. but true.
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