bearfeet

I have been in a 5 year relationship with a man whom I believe to be an alcoholic, I will give you a little insight and hope that you can confirm this. When we met I had just left a 10 year relationship with my University Boyfriend and had lost my Mother after spending some years caring for her with Cancer. I fell instantly in love with him and was happy to indulge in his lifestyle of social drinking at that time. His family are quite dysfunctional, his Mother has always been Bi-Polar, His father a very heavy drinker and his sister has suffered with depression since a breakdown some years past and they all lived together. Over the first few years there were a number of drunken arguments between us but when he was sober he was so kind, conscientious and loving. I then bought a house and became pregnant. Since living in 'our' house and particularly through pregnancy and the subsequent birth of our daughter he went out more and more without me and commonly went on 2 and 3 days drinking binges. I recognise from what I have read that I was enabling this by either - locking the door don't come home or getting him a new job when he got sacked, either or. I also understand again from what i have read that I became very co-dependant (my family were entirely normal with no dependancies/ mental illness etc but my Mother though caring would never even use the word 'love' but I know she loved us dearly) recently after a binge he returned home to find I had put his things outside and came in and set fire to the kitchen whilst I was upstairs (there has been a number of such incidents) He was arrested and now faces the penalty this may bring, although I have said I did not wish to go to court. After a short while I asked him to come home again, desperate to have this normal family life and we did albeit short. It didn't take too long for him to disapear again as his Father has recently come into several thousand pounds all of which he will spend on drink and happily encourage my partner to join him. I 'snapped' overdosed on sleeping tablets and am now being treated for depression. He simply walked away, he left his things, his car, his job, us everything and made no effort to contact me or even enquire through friends about my well being. Since then I have been contacting him sporadically to try to arrange meetings to see our daughter (but in reality I want him to see me) also on the occasion I do drink I will get very upsaet and try to contact him then. I know to his family and friends he blames my arguing and trying to control his drinking on all the trouble that has been caused, I sometimes wonder if it was my fault, had I held the hurt and anger in when he went missing etc, he wouldn't have become angry and it would have settled down again? He has told me that he no longer loves me, we are over and he will need to 'straighten his head out' before he sees our baby. I can't accept this, He has been drinking solidly every single day now for the last 6 weeks- helped by his dad. Does he mean this? I can't believe he does because during the periods where he was sober or not drinking terribly heavily we were so close and happy. I hope you can answer this honestly becasue I need to hear it even if it is that there is no longer any 'us'. I know the relationship was awful and I would tell a friend to run away fast and not look back. I am 10 years younger than him, have a great family and friends and a good job and it does get a little easier some days but others are horrific it feels like he's dead and I can'[t accept it, I'm just pretending to those around me. So that's really the question, do you think he means it, when the money has gone will he come back to me? On dark days I would gladly have him back, problems as well. I know that sounds pathetic but I am being honest. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated, I'm so consumed by the upset I can't function.

freeflower

Do you want him to come back after the money is gone????????? Just because the money is gone!!!! And he hasn't even seen his baby yet?????????? and his family basically are all nuts and yours is great???????????? I think you should BELIEVE him when he says he doesn't love you and is over you. I think you should run away fast and not look back. You will thank your self later down the road. Think of you and your child only.

LucyA

He set fire to the kitchen while you were upstairs? Was your baby with you?
He could have killed you, but you still want him back?

I'd believe him when he says it's over, whether he means it or not.

splendra

Hey there and welcome. Unfortunately it seems like you need to be here. I wish we could have a little sit down and clear all this up and send you on your way. It is a process to get thru it. Maybe ask yourself if you want to live with him exactly as he is right now. Do you accept that drinking is something he does and that things may not get back to the way they once were?

It sounds like you have a lot going for you. Be gentle with yourself be with your friends and family. When one door closes another will open. Time will tell all.

bearfeet

Thank you all. I know that wanting him back is totally and completely irrational and I want so much to move on but all I can do is pretend I am for now. I miss him and the happy times so much it hurts and I can't, really truly can't believe it's over for good. I have read lots about co-dependance etc and it does accurately describe me and my behaviour with him but I can't find directions on how to heal myself. I hate myself for it and I adore my daughter (she wasn't in the house at the time of the fire and he was totally out of it) but without him I see no purpose in living, it's like im obsessed and the less he seems to care the more I crave it. I want to be stronger and move on to happier times but I can't and don't know why I can't.

catlovermi

Unfortunately, for many of us loved ones of alcoholics, the process of healing involves an element of getting out of OUR denial. Often our denial is that the person we THOUGHT we loved was really only a powerful fantasy fed by little pieces of behavior from them every once in a while, that we convinced ourselves was the "real" them. It's never that simple. The "good" version isn't the pure them, either, but rather a version they have learned to project to help offset the nasty version of them - often the good version is nearly too good to be true, so good, in fact, that it does what is intended which is to keep the enabler hooked on them despite the growth of the hideous alcoholic/addict spiral. We get hooked on those bits of sparkling perfection amidst the chaos and pain, thinking they are the real person and "if only..."

The process of healing is the process of coming out of OUR denial, that we were nursing a fantasy about this person, and then going through the anger and grieving at OURSELVES for having been so off base in our reality.

We all look, and look, for a happier answer, but in the end, this is what we find.

CLMI

freeflower

Great insight catlovermi. So true...our denial....I think that denial leads us down the wrong paths in life even past relationships with addicts, just life in general. Denial is like carrying a heavy bowling ball around and if we can ever find the key to freeing ourselves of this, just think of how wonderful that would feel!

tamcor123

How about Al-anon

joyfulnoiz

hi bearfeet-
welcome and i'm glad you have found this place with so many caring and wise people!

an important part of recovery for me has been to "accept the things i cannot change"

which to me means to accept the reality of the situation and the reality that they are alcoholics.
and to accept that i cannot change their behaviour. catlovermi seems to hit it on the head saying the "bits of sparkling perfection amid the chaos and the pain"....
99% of the awfulness is eclipsed for us by the 1% of seemingly caring.

i am now mourning the loss of what i hoped to have with the alcoholic,accepting that it will never happen and changing what i do have control over so that i can be open to the happiness life has to offer us.

big hugs to you as you move through the days and weeks ahead with your precious daughter.
peace to you.

Barbara52

Welcome! I suggest that it's a fine time to examine your life and what you want from it. Educate yourself on copedency and alcoholism and how you are affected by all that has happened. Find out what you can do to improve your life whether he is in it or not. Then you can figure better what you want to do for yourself and your child.

Still Waters

This, please go to some meetings as soon as possible. You will find support and help there (and here).

splendra

What I would like to point out is that you have lived without him before and now you are living without him.

You matter with or without him. You are whole in your own right. I know it hurts that he has left you. He is the one who is loosing out not you.

The fact that he is gone does not mean he doesn't love you what it means is he is out in his world. I understand your concern still you have to work with what is. You are still where you are you still have family and friends and a job. That's a lot right there.

You have given this man a lot of space in your life just take back little bits at the time for yourself.

FormerDoormat

Sounds like counseling and treatment for depression would be your best bet. Alanon and posting on SR will be helpful, too.

SocialHour

I spent more than 10 years in the insanity of an alcoholic relationship. I can never get those years back. It took at least that long to understand that the alcoholic is already in a love affair, and I would ALWAYS be the other woman. It's a futile effort to compete with alcohol.

AlAnon, counseling, exercise, being kind and gentle to yourself (not to someone else!); these will all help. In my life, I found that I was obsessed with the alcoholic to the same extent he was obsessed with alcohol. The round of obsessions completely obliterated the normal relational measures, such as personality type, character, temperament, compatibility, etc.

Take care of yourself and take care of your baby. Hugs.

beaglebaby

Repeat these words over and over.

My AXH is now married to the bottle. As long as he remains an active alcoholic, this relationship of his will only get stronger.

As long as you remain with an active A -- his behavior will only get worse. Alcoholism ALWAYS escalates.

Get out NOW, it will only get MORE painful. You cannot change or impact this love affair with the bottle, not today, not tomorrow, not ever.:praying

TakingCharge999

Hi bearfeet

It is SO great to have you here.

It is shocking to remove the pink glasses I know, it is very difficult to leave the fantasy and the good times and start looking at the real person.. the addiction, the selfishness.. the ACTIONS, rather than the words. There is a lot of deceit, betrayal of trust, hurt feelings.. not a very nice moment

This powerful fantasy embraces us, of course the sober person LOOKS JUST PERFECT!! and that makes it all hearbreaking but you HAVE to make an effort to zoom out!! For me it has hurt a lot but otherwise I will be a codependent or be another alcoholic in this world.. and those are not options for me anymore.

I know obsession, many of us have been obsessed about someone else... and when it is an alcoholic it is even worse as these are reckless and dangerous as one moment they are this handsome loving man and the other second they are drunkards insulting you.. but well what I want to say is that you are in time to start exploring your feelings and what you want for yourself... I know it sucks at first, I'd always like to shift attention from me to my dad.. or my mom.. or my boyfriend as the causes of my sadness but I am starting to know myself more and be more in control of my feelings. People come and go all the time and if you do not heal this with this person, another guy will come along and you will get obsessed again..

Please start some form of psychotherapy.. you say you cant leave, but you CAN... you are the owner of your life.. you are FREE and you can CHANGE!! you are no one else's slave and your will and peace are the only things that matter.. and of course your child

Be more selfish and it will be a rocky road but it will be worth it !!!!! And your daughter will be proud of having such a courageous strong woman as an example for her own life... life is short to live it with people that hurt us.

bearfeet

thank you all so much for your very very wise words. It gave me a lot to think about over the weekend and today and I spent the weekend with my wonderful family and friends. I can see 'over this' a bit more now and it helps so much to hear from people who are already there. I think any relationship break up must be hard but I know from reading everybody else experiences that these circumstances are unique and not normal. Thank you all again so, so much! x