What do I do?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3
What do I do?
I'm an elementary school teacher and I also serve as a board member and coach for one of the local youth sports leagues. Two years ago, one of my students started hanging out with me at the games and we ended up getting fairly close. His parents were divorced and he refused to have contact with his father. It turns out his father had a drug (cocaine) problem.
About a year ago, the boy's father passed away and I have become even closer to him and his younger brother since then. I would consider myself a close friend of the family. A few months ago, I learned that the mother was a recovering alcoholic. The oldest boy, now 13, told me about some of his experiences with her alcoholism and it sounds just horrific. She has been sober for about 4 years.
Last Sunday, the kids were all out at friends' houses and apparently the mom went out which she never does. She must have hooked up with some man and they have been meeting each morning and every night since then. I learned about this last night when I went over to visit and the kids were home alone.
When their mom came home, the younger boy could smell alcohol on her. I heard him slam a door and when I went downstairs to see what was wrong, he was crying and saying that he was very scared. He told the older boy who apparently remembers the earlier experiences a lot better and this kid just lost it. He stormed into his mother's room screaming and was met with something to the effect of "get out of my face". He then went in to his room and completely broke down like i had never seen... reduced to a sobbing, trembling mess.
I stayed up talking with him for a few hours. Today, he calls me at about 9 AM saying the his mom had gotten up and said that she had to go somewhere and they could talk about it when she returned. It turns out she was at that same guy's house and was there for about two hours. When they returned, they put a bunch of his stuff in her garage.
When mom finally did talk to her son, she told him that she had only had one glass of wine and that he shouldn't make a big deal out of it. According to him, she also said some stuff about kicking him out of the house, him ruining her life, etc.
What do I do here? I am concerned about the mom but more importantly, I don't want anything bad to happen to these kids.
About a year ago, the boy's father passed away and I have become even closer to him and his younger brother since then. I would consider myself a close friend of the family. A few months ago, I learned that the mother was a recovering alcoholic. The oldest boy, now 13, told me about some of his experiences with her alcoholism and it sounds just horrific. She has been sober for about 4 years.
Last Sunday, the kids were all out at friends' houses and apparently the mom went out which she never does. She must have hooked up with some man and they have been meeting each morning and every night since then. I learned about this last night when I went over to visit and the kids were home alone.
When their mom came home, the younger boy could smell alcohol on her. I heard him slam a door and when I went downstairs to see what was wrong, he was crying and saying that he was very scared. He told the older boy who apparently remembers the earlier experiences a lot better and this kid just lost it. He stormed into his mother's room screaming and was met with something to the effect of "get out of my face". He then went in to his room and completely broke down like i had never seen... reduced to a sobbing, trembling mess.
I stayed up talking with him for a few hours. Today, he calls me at about 9 AM saying the his mom had gotten up and said that she had to go somewhere and they could talk about it when she returned. It turns out she was at that same guy's house and was there for about two hours. When they returned, they put a bunch of his stuff in her garage.
When mom finally did talk to her son, she told him that she had only had one glass of wine and that he shouldn't make a big deal out of it. According to him, she also said some stuff about kicking him out of the house, him ruining her life, etc.
What do I do here? I am concerned about the mom but more importantly, I don't want anything bad to happen to these kids.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Some questions I have for you are: What is your role with the mom? What is your family situation, do you have your own kids? Sorry, but as I read your post you have left a lot out. Are the kids being abused, if so, in what capacity. Calling CPS sounds drastic. Getting involved in something of a family matter you need a lot more evidence than your post provides. Being a teacher you are famililear with adolescent behavior and attempts to dramatize and manipulate. You asked what you should do-tread softly. LOL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3
The kids no longer go to my school. My relationship with the mom is basically a friend but only because I'm trying to maintain a friendship with the kids. She's not the type of person I would associate myself with normally. The children are not abused though.
I'm well aware of a child's potential to dramatize and manipulate and I've dealt with these boys doing that before. The mom is definitely a recovering alcoholic and the older boy's reaction was for real... he is obviously traumatized from his earlier experiences.
I think CPS may be a little too drastic at this point as well.
I'm well aware of a child's potential to dramatize and manipulate and I've dealt with these boys doing that before. The mom is definitely a recovering alcoholic and the older boy's reaction was for real... he is obviously traumatized from his earlier experiences.
I think CPS may be a little too drastic at this point as well.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Thanks for clearing that up for me. It sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard spot.
I am very active in AA. A recovering alcoholic is in recovery, not drinking. If she is drinking she is an active alcoholic. What type of person is she? If the kids are not being physically abused the mental abuse given by a practicing alcoholic can be life long for a child. Where I live there are alanon support groups focused for kids, here they do not need a parent present, there is also COAP, Children of alcoholic parents. It sounds like these kids need some help in coping, even if the mom is recovering. They sound traumatized from her actions of the past. I hope they can find support. Please look into these possibilities for them. Best wishes and LOL
I am very active in AA. A recovering alcoholic is in recovery, not drinking. If she is drinking she is an active alcoholic. What type of person is she? If the kids are not being physically abused the mental abuse given by a practicing alcoholic can be life long for a child. Where I live there are alanon support groups focused for kids, here they do not need a parent present, there is also COAP, Children of alcoholic parents. It sounds like these kids need some help in coping, even if the mom is recovering. They sound traumatized from her actions of the past. I hope they can find support. Please look into these possibilities for them. Best wishes and LOL
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
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Excuse me....but abuse is not only physical. Having a father that has passed away and living with an alcoholic mother could be an abusive situation in the event that she get's in a car and drives with them. My belief is that you are either in or out. If you suspect that her alcoholism is putting them at risk you should tell talk to her about it. We owe it to the kids. If she drinks and drives these children call CPS.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I also believe you should call CPS and tell them what you know and what you have seen.
Doing nothing would be wrong in my humble opinion
After that then it is not in your hands, but you can still be friends with the kids.
Doing nothing would be wrong in my humble opinion
After that then it is not in your hands, but you can still be friends with the kids.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think all you can do is continue to be there for these boys. You are the listener they desperately need. The 13 year old most likely does remember the past and is acting out based on that past. With your guidance you can help him understand he can not control his mother or her drinking. Help him prepare himself to be stronger in the event her one glass of wine turns into two, three, etc. etc.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Ok, so apparently the drinking has continued and she is very drunk this evening. I feel like something has to be done. Do I say something to her and if so, when (meaning do I try to talk to her when she is drunk or wait until she is sober) and what? Do I need to get other people involved? I am a teacher and legally, I am required to notify somebody if something like this is going on.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
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Originally Posted by sarn0ld 
Ok, so apparently the drinking has continued and she is very drunk this evening. I feel like something has to be done. Do I say something to her and if so, when (meaning do I try to talk to her when she is drunk or wait until she is sober) and what? Do I need to get other people involved? I am a teacher and legally, I am required to notify somebody if something like this is going on.
freya
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