JustMeInWI

I've learned that as a codependent that sometimes I need help too. And I need to learn to ask for it when I need it. And I'm asking right now.

My AH admitted about 4 1/2 months ago that he had a drinking problem. I then realized that I was a codepenedent (born and raised as one). We've both sought seperate counsel since his confession came about, and we started into some marriage counselling about 2 months ago. Things at home got worse and worse. We argued more and more. He was sober, but that didn't mean he was nicer/less abusive.

I was so hurt by everything I had been told to just accept. Now I realized I hadn't been crazy all along. I hadn't been making things up or losing my mind. My AH was an excellent manipulator, and his verbal abuse wasn't the shouting and swearing kind. It was the cunning "question everything you say and everything you think and every feeling you have" kind of abuse, slowly undermining my belief in and respect for myself.

Once I started to see this, I learned how much more I needed to protect that little girl inside me who'd been "hiding in the corner crying" for years. The more I stood up for her and stood my ground to take care of myself, the more he's accused me of changing and destroying our marriage. And you know what? Maybe I AM destroying our marriage - but isn't that ok if our marriage is based on my being abused and mistreated and hurt repeatedly? Isn't that the kind of marriage that should end?

I KNOW that this is what I need to do. I've filed for divorce two weeks ago. I'm meeting with AH tonight (IN A PUBLIC RESTAURANT) to discuss what I will take from the house to my OWN new apartment. This is TAKING CARE OF ME. This is making sure he cannot hurt me anymore.

So now, here's where I'm asking for help/support. My AH has been having long phone conversations (I saw the cell phone bill) with my parents. And because of their religious beliefs and their church, they've been doing everything in their power to try to talk me / guilt me out of divorce. This morning my own mother asked me if I "realized how selfish I was being by going through with this divorce"? Is taking care of myself and the little girl inside me really selfish? I thought it was healthy. I don't have any children. So I'm not bring children through a divorce. So instead she brings up my little sisters and says I'm not being a good role model for them and that they're going to be so hurt by this divorce because they all love my AH too...??

I don't know what to tell her or what to say, other than, I have to take care of the little girl inside me that doesn't want to be hurt anymore. Please let me know if I'm missing something here...

Latte

Do what is best for you. They are your parents but it sounds like they are misguided. You know that your AH can manipulate you, and obviously he is manipulating them. You can't do anything about what they think. They may never change but you have to protect you. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job.

Barbara52

It can be so difficult to have your parents telling you not to do what you KNOW is right for you. When I divorced my first husband, my father didn't speak to me for a good 6 months. His choice. He eventually came to understand that it was my life and I had to follow my own path.

Still Waters

"What others think of me is none of my business"

You have to do what you need to do for yourself, and I hope that eventually your parents will become educated about addictions and the destruction they do to the addict and all those around them.

laurie6781

It is difficult, parents, and mothers in particular have that way of trying to 'guilt' us into doing what they want.

The next time she starts, cut her off, and tell her that after she has lived with your AH for 6 months to come back and talk to you about this.

Calmly explain to her that this is something that you MUST do for your peace, serenity, and SANITY. That you WILL NOT continue to live with the lies, manipulations, etc of a PRACTICING ALCOHOLIC. However, she is free to do so at her own risk. She will get 'it' even if she won't 'acknowledge' that she does.

You have my support, especially since I know how long it takes to get a divorce in my ex-state of residence for many years, lol

Please, keep posting, and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugsk

FormerDoormat

How shameful is it when a person's own mother would rather have her daughter tolerate abuse in order to avoid straying from the teachings of HER church?

You're not the one who's thinking is flawed and unhealthy. And you are not being selfish.

Freedom1990

I have parents who can be very toxic to me. My father is the adult child of two alcholics, and my mother is an untreated codependent.

I honestly have had periods of time when I have had to cut off all contact from them in order to take care of myself.

Please keep posting here, and I will surely keep you in my prayers! :ghug :ghug

Bernadette

Do your parents belong to a church that has a priest or pastor or minister.
If you think the priest would be open to it, you could ask him/her to intervene on your behalf and tell your parents to back off. I know in my life the priests (Catholic) were often thought of as my enemies - yet twice when I have been in real crisis and I spoke to a priest I was blown away by their compassion and understanding and even their ability to put their humanity before their religion.

You are asking so many questions right now- that is good!! And I believe 100% in what you are doing to protect the little girl inside you!! Do what's best for you - it must be making you sick to feel like your parents are not on yur side right now- but that is a testament to how much you are growing that you are resisting and knowing in your heart that in spite of what they may think you ARE doing the correct thing.

They never walked in your shoes.

Good luck.
Peace-
B.

denny57

I would suggest a compromise with your mom. Ask if she'll let your husband live with her and your sisters for 6 months and then you'll reconsider it.

I'm half joking. I've learned when someone else is trying to tell me how to live my life it is because they are disappointed in their own.

Keep posting!

JustMeInWI

Thank you ALL soo much for your support. It IS REALLY hard having my own parents side with my SAH (sober alcoholic husband - not sure the acronym for that)... It's ripping my heart out. He is a master manipulator, and he's been talking to them as much as his own family and a lot of our friends.

I'm just keeping my head down and pushing against the fierce winds trying to blow me over. And I just keep reminding myself of that cute little pale faced blondie that no one's been there for - until now. And every time I think of her, deep inside me, I get stronger, and I can stand up and say, "No. That's NOT true. And I'm not going to take these lies and manipulation anymore. I'm going to be free. I'm going to have peace and serenity rule my life. I'm going to take care of her (me)." And then I can take another step. Survive another day until I get through all this.

Freedom1990

I think one of the hardest things for me was to come to the place of acceptance that I have had to learn to 'parent' myself, that is, to nourish and care for that little girl inside of me who didn't get a lot of the things that little girls should have, you know?

I do understand so very much what you are going through!

That little girl in me is a very vulnerable side of me, and I've come to cherish and love her!

:ghug :ghug

Pajarito

I would do what is best for me- and to H with anyone else who decides it's their business to tell me I shouldn't. I've learned a few things on this path I'm on-

1. My parents are not healthy- but they are my parents, and it's hard not to feel compelled to listen to them- HOWEVER- they are very supportive of what I am doing.

You say you were born and bred a co-dependent- is it any wonder your parents are giving you a hard time? I would take it with a grain of salt and proceed as your gut tells you.

2. I NEED to listen to my gut. One of the traits of us codies is not listening to our guts- or not trusting ourselves- and is it any wonder? If we didn't learn it in our family of origin, we learn it pretty easily with all of the insanity that goes with living with an alcoholic.

3. DON'T JUDGE ME UNLESS YOU HAVE LIVED MY LIFE. That goes for my MIL- who has done her best to try to guilt me and blame me for the issues I've had with her son. Who needs it?

And BTW- I believe you are a good role model for your sisters. I stayed in my marriage for way too long thinking I had to be there for our dd. Our marriage was so unhealthy- what kind of model is that for her? I believe I am now trying to model a healthy, strong woman for dd. I won't stand for any more abuse, and I am daily working on doing the next right thing- for me. If someone has a problem with that it is their problem- not mine.

(((Stay strong and true to yourself!)))

TakingCharge999

Hello,

I am slowly learning that no one else knows what happens between two people - other than the involvede ones. So if you decide it is time to go, and it obviously is, please go ahead!! I am very glad you stopped the cycle of abuse! you are my inspiration

nowinsituation

Just Me - You are so strong to stand up to all of this! I encourge you to continue. I am afraid if anyone, especially my parents, had disapproved of my divorcing my husband I would have backed down. I was so afraid of their disapproval, and so sure that "divorce" was always wrong (and I am not even Catholic!). Your parents may or may not come around, but your are correct that you need to do what is right for you. I hope they will come to understand that you would not make such a major decision on a whim and know that things really ARE that bad.

I have been gone for a year, and through the help of my sponsor and therapy I am JUST NOW realizing that my X was emotionally abusing me. You are so far along in realizing exactly what is wrong and exactly how to take care of yourself. Stay strong, you know what is right!

baileyboop

I am going to go about this from a different perspective, being that I am a Christian myself. I am divorced now, and this was an area that I personally struggled with. Once finally past my hurdle, I do not regret my decision at all. I was fortunate that I had my parents and my church to support me through this decision. I can't answer whether each individual in the church supported me, but collectively as a whole, which I am grateful for. There were some that were opposed initially, but the ones that were important to me have come around. Those that have not were not that important to begin with.

Here is what I believe to be the bottom line. You need to do what you need to do in order to thrive and be productive in your life. If your current situation is hindering you from doing so, then you are NOT in a good situation. There are actually some people in life who can maintain a peaceful, happy life living with A's and not be adversely affected in the long run. There are some who just cannot. I was the latter. I was not helping anything by staying in my marriage-quite the opposite. I was hurting myself, the A in my life, my children, extended family, ect. I was extremely adversely affected, and as a result, I adversely affected those around me. I withdrew, became depressed, internally maintained a pity party for myself, began to exhibit some anger issues, got lazy...oh man..I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Take this from a fellow Christian...if you cannot, do not want to continue with that lifestyle, please do what you need to do for yourself and get out. You will be a better person for it, and those around you will see the chnage in you. Believe in yourself. Hugs and prayers to you.....