One day at time: no contact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
One day at time: no contact.
the responses to my last post were so helpful. i really like the idea of putting a picture of the younger, okay inner child in a locket. and loving them.
i havent been doing that because ive been so upset and sad and angry at my adult self for... not loving myself or being able to take care of myself.
Well, yesterday i saw him. i did okay avoiding looking at him, because i just think hes so sweet and hes so beautiful and hes great the way he is right now in the moment (probably the things i should be thinking of myself instead-hahaha). so i just dont look mostly. even though i want to know if hes looking at me, if he thinks i look good or not , if he can tell ive lost weight(i know, pathetic...) if hes really even looking at me at all or still even cares since its been 6 months.
Anyway, were both walking out the door to go outside inbetween bands. it could be my ego, but i think he was waiting to maybe try and talk to me to test the boundaries.
he says, "hey whats up as were stepping outside", i said "hey, how are you?" he says "im ookaaaay...." i quickly say "good". i half smile and i leave. (and dont come back).
today i just wanted to write him and tell him how things are hard for me to not talk and how i didnt mean to make it seem like i dont care. i really asked as a natural reaction when people say hi, i ask how they are doing it is a social reflex from being in the service industry too long, but i genuinely care.
i wanted to tell him i miss him. i want to be strong enough to detach while still being in his life or vice versa. but im not strong enough and id like to wait maybe a good solid 6 months of being NOT depressed before i try. maybe by that point i wont want to risk my hapiness or sobriety.
But its hard. i dont want no contact. at the same time, its not like hes REALLY trying THAT hard to talk to me. ofcourse i did set up boundaries. so its abit confusing to me to think of whether i should exert effort into showing him i still care or not.
at some point i would like to apologize but i dont know.
i need a new sponsor to work through some of this with. i havent fond anyone i connect with. my current sponsor is my best friends husbands mom, so i feel good but her mom just passed and i need more attention than she can give right now.
thanks for listening.
i havent been doing that because ive been so upset and sad and angry at my adult self for... not loving myself or being able to take care of myself.
Well, yesterday i saw him. i did okay avoiding looking at him, because i just think hes so sweet and hes so beautiful and hes great the way he is right now in the moment (probably the things i should be thinking of myself instead-hahaha). so i just dont look mostly. even though i want to know if hes looking at me, if he thinks i look good or not , if he can tell ive lost weight(i know, pathetic...) if hes really even looking at me at all or still even cares since its been 6 months.
Anyway, were both walking out the door to go outside inbetween bands. it could be my ego, but i think he was waiting to maybe try and talk to me to test the boundaries.
he says, "hey whats up as were stepping outside", i said "hey, how are you?" he says "im ookaaaay...." i quickly say "good". i half smile and i leave. (and dont come back).
today i just wanted to write him and tell him how things are hard for me to not talk and how i didnt mean to make it seem like i dont care. i really asked as a natural reaction when people say hi, i ask how they are doing it is a social reflex from being in the service industry too long, but i genuinely care.
i wanted to tell him i miss him. i want to be strong enough to detach while still being in his life or vice versa. but im not strong enough and id like to wait maybe a good solid 6 months of being NOT depressed before i try. maybe by that point i wont want to risk my hapiness or sobriety.
But its hard. i dont want no contact. at the same time, its not like hes REALLY trying THAT hard to talk to me. ofcourse i did set up boundaries. so its abit confusing to me to think of whether i should exert effort into showing him i still care or not.
at some point i would like to apologize but i dont know.
i need a new sponsor to work through some of this with. i havent fond anyone i connect with. my current sponsor is my best friends husbands mom, so i feel good but her mom just passed and i need more attention than she can give right now.
thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
So hard, Genrs!! Sounds like you handled things very well. I totally agree with giving yourself more space to heal before contacting him. It's great that you are reaching out for support!!!
Hang in there....
TH
Hang in there....
TH
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
i know its hard, just keep it up and fight the temptation, i know it sucks when they still look good lol, luckily mine isnt quite so good looking anymore, hes bloated looking and very very unhealthy, i always loved his hair it was so shiny and now its dull and lifeless, if i look closely i can see the man he used to be but hes no where close to it now
i think the no contact is the hardest thing ever, i struggle with it everyday and i hate when i give in cause i have to start all over again, but i do know from past expericance that the no contact is actually easier for me, with his past runnin off i didnt hear from him much if at all and i handled things better, the only reason its dragging on so long for me this time is he keeps calling on and off and that keeps the wound open instead of letting it heal on its on
hang in there your not alone!
i think the no contact is the hardest thing ever, i struggle with it everyday and i hate when i give in cause i have to start all over again, but i do know from past expericance that the no contact is actually easier for me, with his past runnin off i didnt hear from him much if at all and i handled things better, the only reason its dragging on so long for me this time is he keeps calling on and off and that keeps the wound open instead of letting it heal on its on
hang in there your not alone!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My daughter and I put people on a "white-out" list.....like the old days when typing, and you just white them out. Gone.
I'm even worse I put people on my dead list....the relationship is dead and so they are as dead to me. And the dead do not rise. You really have to try to get on this list, but once on it, I am DONE.
When I first came here I counted my days of no contact like sobriety...post day 1, day 2
someone would greet me and that put some starch in me to not mess up my count.
It got very much easier around 30 days.
The people I cared about knew I cared from my actions, I didn't need to reiterate it.
But I do have certain boundaries that are not ever to be crossed.
I'm even worse I put people on my dead list....the relationship is dead and so they are as dead to me. And the dead do not rise. You really have to try to get on this list, but once on it, I am DONE.
When I first came here I counted my days of no contact like sobriety...post day 1, day 2
someone would greet me and that put some starch in me to not mess up my count.
It got very much easier around 30 days.
The people I cared about knew I cared from my actions, I didn't need to reiterate it.
But I do have certain boundaries that are not ever to be crossed.
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