Redheadsusie

Well- My Ah did not work all week. He says his back hurts. This is after being out over 2 months with hip replacement. He has excuse for it all! I am slaving working hard and still being cursed at, mouth spitting at and yelled at, told I am horrible yada yada yada-- Oh yea Nag of the Year! I forgot to add that. I came home last night to hear how our chiropractor/neighbor's office manager missed his call and did not return his call. A normal person would call back but Ah cussed me about it- said he will just suffer and the office sucks yada yada yada. I called them - they apologize- say tell him to come now- he refuses and says forget it. NiCE! I went to his folks nearby to talk to his Mom and to tell her he is out of his mind- he is throwing things, cussing, I found a lighter in his pocket so I know he is smoking- I have 2 feet out the door- she needs to talk to him and calm him down as my teen age sons were freaked out and i have had enough.

She comes down- she is terribly sweet- but does not want to mention the drugs or alcohol near Thanksgiving..but talks to him in our room - he goes to bed by 7 when he isn't wasted. By the time he is done with her she comes out and on the way home tells me ...........I am mean to him...you have to give a man credit for the smallest things even if you know it is not deserved.....he told her I missed 1 credit card payment and because of that Discover has jacked my rate to 18.99%. She scolds me for that. Mind you - he has not worked and not been paid a bill since September 1. I have paid the house, the cars, the boat, the college bills- all utilities , medicals, insurance IT ALL! She defended him. No wonder he is an idiot and can't do for himself. I told her I am done paying his way- he can move in with her if he wants and she can deal with him. I am done. She of course does not want that ---- He could not pay 1/5 of the bills here alone. He has said he won't leave and wants me to leave with 2 kids and 2 dogs. I read that post about when the pain stops and I am thinking it is stopping for me because I can barely deal with my terminally ill parents and my business and my bills as it is. I told him I will not spend Thanksgiving with him - He only brings me down and I am sick of his drunken pot smoking ways. He lost his first family - he has pretty much lost us...he doesn't care...Oh well!

denny57

Why?

Freedom1990

What do you want for your life?

As the current situation is, he has no reason to change because you are shouldering the burden of everything.

You can't change what his parents do.

You can't change what he does/doesn't do.

All you can change is what you do, and what you are willing to put up with. :ghug

Hotmess

Why are you angry with his parents when you yourself enable him? Not only are you not able to control them, but you are looking for validation from a source that is bound to let you down. That has to hurt alot (((susie))). When you realize that the only way to stop the heartbreak is for YOU to stop the heartbreak, that only way to stop the disappointment is for YOU to make different choices, you will do what is right for you. Until then, (((susie))).

Redheadsusie

I am not sure why I went to them. I guess I am still hopeful someone can get through to him- I know I can't. You are all correct- I need to just stop ! :codiepolice

Thanks!

Freedom1990

Susie? Where's that greyhound of yours? Ever watch how laid back they are?

I learn a lot from my big guy.

He doesn't sweat the small stuff, you know. If stuff really irritates him, he moves! (like our latest addition, a very energetic 2 year old boxer/JRT mix).

You can make changes in your life gal. It's just we get so immersed in it over the years that we can't see a way out. :ghug

kaye

Susie:

I can relate. MY AH moved out a couple of weeks ago when I stated that I was going to Alanon. He is 46 years old and currently living in his mothers basement. She is doing his laundry and cooking all his meals while he drinks the night away. And blames me for everything. While I'm at home taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, got a second part time job, etc......

At first I was really angry that she was enabeling him but I realized that even that anger can effect my peace and serenity. So I've learned to let it go. If I let it fester and grow I'm only hurting myself.

******{Hugs}}}} to you Susie.

blessed4x

Susie.....something I read (Melody Beattie maybe?) is "the only way out is through it". Incredible things are in store for you when this chapter in your life closes. That's what is keeping me going.....even though I know I have to take it one day at a time.

prairiegirl

I am sorry you are going through so much. I understand why you called his parents because I also hoped someone else could get through to my XAH but unfortunately it doesn't work. The other family members didn't 'get' addiction and would just say things like he just needs to drink beer instead of rum or drink less. So it was futile.

However, we do try every which way; I'm sure I tried everything at least 5 times. I spent a few years trying to figure out how to leave, when most of everything was mine and we had 2 pets and places weren't easy to find, especially with pets. He kept saying I should leave and we kept using the pets and belongings we owned together as the excuse for why it was so hard to split up. But you know what? I wished now that I'd just bitten the bullet and left.

As a result of waiting, he left after I complained enough (nagged) and he left me holding everything anyway. He left with 2 small suitcases and I was the responsible one also. I looked after everything - the bills, working 2 jobs, carrying all the weight during the periods he'd decide to take mini-vacations away from work, paying all the bills, making sure we had food in the house, managing his money because he couldn't open a bank account because of his poor credit, you name it. He left and never looked back and doesn't seem to give a damn about his pets, me, my family, our friends or anything else for that matter.

He went to stay with his brother who offered to take over where I left off and pay for everything. Good luck to him!

It's probably better to make a plan and be the initiator. Things probably won't get better. You have my support!

Barbara52

My former MIL is my xAH's enabler. She started paying his way right after I left him a year and a half ago and he has now moved in with her since he we sold the house and is still unemployed. From my point of view, he is leeching off his 87 yo mother. From hers, I'd bet she thinks she is supporting him thru a difficult time. Her choice. They are both in denial about his alcoholism. They are both viewing him as a victim (of me and the world in general). I let go a long time ago. It saddens me but it's their choice to live as they do.

denny57

My "why" was for the call to the chiropractor.

Redheadsusie

I appreciate all of your smart words! Knowing I am not alone helps me. I wish this on no one. And- he calles the chiro because he says his back hurt- he always feels bad- always- we have done all MRI's - major surgery. It is his way to stay the victim and he has to drink and smoke because of the pain. I have a bad back but I work- I take care of 2 kids and 2 dogs and keep house. SUPERWOMAN!!!! We talked briefly on the phone before I got home and he is so angry - says I am ditching everything and it is all my fault. I told him I would deal with my responsibility in it and wish him well. The verbal lashing began and I sais - I am done- do you hear me. I don't care if I lose it all because at the end of the say I have 2 great kids - 2 special dogs and my health and family. I am blessed. I know it will suck and be hard but you know what I did it with AH #1 and he was actually nice and the father of my kids. I am not fit to be in a realtionship EVER ! I make bad choices! I am going to the new Christmas movie with Vince Vaughn with my sons- they adore me as I do them and are the best dates anyone could have. I am blessed! Happy Thanksgiving and you are all wonderful! I am grateful!

denny57

I understand he had a mess up when he called them; why did you, Redhead, call them?

I often thought xAH would be better off if his parents and brothers stopped enabling him (though I didn't know it was called that). What I didn't see clearly was my own enabling.

So there was a time I would have named my thread the same as you, but really I should have put in "I enable AH."

I hope you have that peaceful Thanksgiving - you deserve it!

Redheadsusie

I guess I called the chiropractor to make up for his screw ups...to fix what he messed up....very enlightening........I get it now. Thanks for helping me see.