It Works If You Work It
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
It Works If You Work It
I'm finding, more and more, that my attitude, more than ANY other factor, drives the tone of my day.
Pre-Alanon, pre-SR, pre-recovery, I believed that the events that tended to throw me for a loop lay outside this "positive-thinking" circle of influence.
I understood the whole "lemonade out of lemons" thing, but my life wasn't about lemons. It was about big heaping piles of dog poo, and my lawn didn't need any more fertilizer, thank you very much.
Alcoholism seemed so dark. My husband's illness, his lies and irresponsibility seemed so insurmountably terrible. I was horrified and freaked out - it was hard not to panic when things didn't work out as I had planned.
This week AH made plans to have myself and my son spend the weekend at his house (we live in the same town - about 10 minutes away). We were going to go to the park, make pancakes, visit the comic book store, watch Bolt at the movies, and the boys were going to get haircuts. I was looking forward to it.
But, plans change. AH decided that he needed some time alone.
My first instinct was to flip out (cry, yell, shame him) because I'm almost certain that when he says he "needs a night to himself" what he means is "I know I'm going to be spending a lot of time surrounded by people next week at Thanksgiving, and I need to get really drunk now while I can", but I made myself wait. I asked for a few minutes to think about it.
And I thought about it.
What good would it do for me to get mad, sad, or self-righteous?
It might change his mind.
It might shame him into doing what I want him to.
But how much fun would that be?
And why would I want to hang out with someone who's had to be guilted and cajoled into participating?
And when I thought, "Ergh. He's such a creep. He loves the alcohol more than me, more than his son."s, I answered myself: He's an alcoholic! I know this! So he's acting like one - why should I be surprised? Who he loves more isn't really an issue.
I chose not to flip out.
I chose to smile, say "That's a shame. I understand," and get in the car.
The kiddo and I had pancakes this morning, and we went to see the movie, just the two of us. We bought special snacks for the football game tonight. We painted pictures (DS did an awesome octopus painting!), and we made plans to go to church, the barber shop, and the park tomorrow.
I had a lovely day, full of laughter and hugs.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
I am truly blessed to have found a path to peace, a shift in my attitude, an appreciation for the myriad good things in my life.
I pray for my alcoholic, who still suffers.
Thank God that I do not have to suffer with him any longer.
-TC
Pre-Alanon, pre-SR, pre-recovery, I believed that the events that tended to throw me for a loop lay outside this "positive-thinking" circle of influence.
I understood the whole "lemonade out of lemons" thing, but my life wasn't about lemons. It was about big heaping piles of dog poo, and my lawn didn't need any more fertilizer, thank you very much.
Alcoholism seemed so dark. My husband's illness, his lies and irresponsibility seemed so insurmountably terrible. I was horrified and freaked out - it was hard not to panic when things didn't work out as I had planned.
This week AH made plans to have myself and my son spend the weekend at his house (we live in the same town - about 10 minutes away). We were going to go to the park, make pancakes, visit the comic book store, watch Bolt at the movies, and the boys were going to get haircuts. I was looking forward to it.
But, plans change. AH decided that he needed some time alone.
My first instinct was to flip out (cry, yell, shame him) because I'm almost certain that when he says he "needs a night to himself" what he means is "I know I'm going to be spending a lot of time surrounded by people next week at Thanksgiving, and I need to get really drunk now while I can", but I made myself wait. I asked for a few minutes to think about it.
And I thought about it.
What good would it do for me to get mad, sad, or self-righteous?
It might change his mind.
It might shame him into doing what I want him to.
But how much fun would that be?
And why would I want to hang out with someone who's had to be guilted and cajoled into participating?
And when I thought, "Ergh. He's such a creep. He loves the alcohol more than me, more than his son."s, I answered myself: He's an alcoholic! I know this! So he's acting like one - why should I be surprised? Who he loves more isn't really an issue.
I chose not to flip out.
I chose to smile, say "That's a shame. I understand," and get in the car.
The kiddo and I had pancakes this morning, and we went to see the movie, just the two of us. We bought special snacks for the football game tonight. We painted pictures (DS did an awesome octopus painting!), and we made plans to go to church, the barber shop, and the park tomorrow.
I had a lovely day, full of laughter and hugs.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
I am truly blessed to have found a path to peace, a shift in my attitude, an appreciation for the myriad good things in my life.
I pray for my alcoholic, who still suffers.
Thank God that I do not have to suffer with him any longer.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by ToughChoices 
I'm finding, more and more, that my attitude, more than ANY other factor, drives the tone of my day.
I had a lovely day, full of laughter and hugs.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
I am truly blessed to have found a path to peace, a shift in my attitude, an appreciation for the myriad good things in my life.
I pray for my alcoholic, who still suffers.
Thank God that I do not have to suffer with him any longer.
-TC
I had a lovely day, full of laughter and hugs.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
I am truly blessed to have found a path to peace, a shift in my attitude, an appreciation for the myriad good things in my life.
I pray for my alcoholic, who still suffers.
Thank God that I do not have to suffer with him any longer.
-TC
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
I had a lovely day, full of laughter and hugs.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
I love kid art, since I don't have any of my own...Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Amen, TC. Like I said in a previous thread today, I am powerless over how other people choose to behave but I am NOT powerless. Today, I no longer tolerate irresponsible behavior and I do not invite people who choose to behave irresponsibly into my life.
As long as I refused to see that the common denominator in the problems I was experiencing was me, I continued to blame my issues on outside factors like the economy, or Richard's drinking, or his inability to pull his weight financially.
As long as I refused to see that the common denominator in the problems I was experiencing was me, I continued to blame my issues on outside factors like the economy, or Richard's drinking, or his inability to pull his weight financially.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Tough Choices,
You are so smart. How good of you to make the most of your day. Live and let live, right? I think I am using that phrase in the correct way.
We must be on the same wavelength today. This afternoon I made a presentation for school that I was very nervous about. I was less technically detailed than others talking, but connected better with the audiance than anyone else. I got positive laughs and responses. I also received an apology letter from my neighbor who was noisy last night. Very responsible of him to do. Small thing, but I felt acknowledged as I have tried to be a considerate neighbor. In the letter he even mentioned that he has never heard a peep from me (I know I shouldn't want outside validation).
Just received a call from my godmother and she informs me that she ran into a childhood friend who smiled when she brought up my name. Little things. She also told me that she received a message from my EXABF who is with his new fiance at our hotel in Colorado. He called her from this trip to leave the message that he wanted to know how I am doing and if I am happy. She said the message sounded drunk. She will not call him back, but wanted me to know. Funny thing is I have been so hurt by knowing that he would be taking her there. Good or bad, in this moment, I am not hurting from that loss. He isn't having the wholesome yet grand old time we used to have there because I am not there. He is drinking and obviously thinking of me. I would never want to have a fiance who takes me to his ex-girlfriend's special places and then calls her family to ask about her.
This month has been hard on me. Although these things might seem small, they make a HUGE impact on me. I feel a little better today. I feel at peace right now. AHH.
You are so smart. How good of you to make the most of your day. Live and let live, right? I think I am using that phrase in the correct way.
We must be on the same wavelength today. This afternoon I made a presentation for school that I was very nervous about. I was less technically detailed than others talking, but connected better with the audiance than anyone else. I got positive laughs and responses. I also received an apology letter from my neighbor who was noisy last night. Very responsible of him to do. Small thing, but I felt acknowledged as I have tried to be a considerate neighbor. In the letter he even mentioned that he has never heard a peep from me (I know I shouldn't want outside validation).
Just received a call from my godmother and she informs me that she ran into a childhood friend who smiled when she brought up my name. Little things. She also told me that she received a message from my EXABF who is with his new fiance at our hotel in Colorado. He called her from this trip to leave the message that he wanted to know how I am doing and if I am happy. She said the message sounded drunk. She will not call him back, but wanted me to know. Funny thing is I have been so hurt by knowing that he would be taking her there. Good or bad, in this moment, I am not hurting from that loss. He isn't having the wholesome yet grand old time we used to have there because I am not there. He is drinking and obviously thinking of me. I would never want to have a fiance who takes me to his ex-girlfriend's special places and then calls her family to ask about her.
This month has been hard on me. Although these things might seem small, they make a HUGE impact on me. I feel a little better today. I feel at peace right now. AHH.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
I wish I was technologically savvy enough (and had the right equipment) to show you the kiddo's painting!
Of late, octopi have been his obsession - before that it was crabs! He's terrified of both in this kind of giddy, little kid way, and he always wants me to tell him "stories about the sea."
When I do, he shrieks, hides under a blanket, then screams, "Tell it again!"
It used to make me angry that AH misses out on parts of DS's childhood.
Now I see that DS is generally happy when I'm happy, so the anger was actually making the situation worse.
I was angry that AH's behavior might upset DS, so I'd get mad at AH, feel totally justified in doing so, and sometimes really upset DS in the process.
What a mess.
Of late, octopi have been his obsession - before that it was crabs! He's terrified of both in this kind of giddy, little kid way, and he always wants me to tell him "stories about the sea."
When I do, he shrieks, hides under a blanket, then screams, "Tell it again!"
It used to make me angry that AH misses out on parts of DS's childhood.
Now I see that DS is generally happy when I'm happy, so the anger was actually making the situation worse.
I was angry that AH's behavior might upset DS, so I'd get mad at AH, feel totally justified in doing so, and sometimes really upset DS in the process.
What a mess.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
I'm finding, more and more, that my attitude, more than ANY other factor, drives the tone of my day.
I chose not to flip out.
I chose to smile, say "That's a shame. I understand," and get in the car.
The kiddo and I had pancakes this morning, and we went to see the movie, just the two of us. We bought special snacks for the football game tonight. We painted pictures (DS did an awesome octopus painting!), and we made plans to go to church, the barber shop, and the park tomorrow.
I had a lovely day, full of laughter and hugs.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
I am truly blessed to have found a path to peace, a shift in my attitude, an appreciation for the myriad good things in my life.
I pray for my alcoholic, who still suffers.
Thank God that I do not have to suffer with him any longer.
I chose not to flip out.
I chose to smile, say "That's a shame. I understand," and get in the car.
The kiddo and I had pancakes this morning, and we went to see the movie, just the two of us. We bought special snacks for the football game tonight. We painted pictures (DS did an awesome octopus painting!), and we made plans to go to church, the barber shop, and the park tomorrow.
I had a lovely day, full of laughter and hugs.
Meanwhile, my husband is probably drinking alone in an empty house.
I am truly blessed to have found a path to peace, a shift in my attitude, an appreciation for the myriad good things in my life.
I pray for my alcoholic, who still suffers.
Thank God that I do not have to suffer with him any longer.
I remarked to an Alanon friend one day after a meeting that I often felt like the most blessed man I know, I went on to say that in retrospect I'd always been blessed, but just never realized it till recovery. She replied, now you're blessed and you know it, you're doubly blessed!
TC I believe you're doubly blessed as well! :bounce
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by coyote21
I believe you're doubly blessed as well!
TC and MissFixit.....you guys are inspiring me to keep doing the next right thing for me (and, of course, the kids).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 15
TC: I am so grateful to read your post this morning. I'm facing a tough day myself and once again I have come to this place and seen the courage that is possible if I just work this program.Thank you. Please know that by posting your experience you helped me find that place of peace within myself. I plan on having a fantastic day despite the decisions my AH makes!
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
I just wanted to add that I have never, not even once, regretted my decision to live separately from my husband.
As much as I love him and enjoy his sober company, a separate residence was what I needed.
It is so much easier for me to choose my response and attitude when I know that I have a safe, alcohol-free place to retreat and belong. Going about my own business was almost impossible for me when I was having to step around (and, sometimes, over) by husband's drunk, snoring self.
It was hard to remember that my life wasn't all about his problem when the home in which I lived smelled of liquor, and my son and I had to avoid entering certain rooms in case AH was inside, in a "compromised" state.
Now DS and I can go out, have fun, and come home to ......peace.
-TC
As much as I love him and enjoy his sober company, a separate residence was what I needed.
It is so much easier for me to choose my response and attitude when I know that I have a safe, alcohol-free place to retreat and belong. Going about my own business was almost impossible for me when I was having to step around (and, sometimes, over) by husband's drunk, snoring self.
It was hard to remember that my life wasn't all about his problem when the home in which I lived smelled of liquor, and my son and I had to avoid entering certain rooms in case AH was inside, in a "compromised" state.
Now DS and I can go out, have fun, and come home to ......peace.
-TC
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